i don't think i have ever said sorry,
or looked at him since then.
it remains a secret to the world,
i forget sometimes too.
until his face appears,
or hers.
and something in my heart hurts,
so much that i swallow my words
and look away.
nobody can understand what it was.
dumb love, people say
among teenagers.
but dumb love doesn't last years,
but can be counted in days.
my heart still hurts

as i turn the corner,
i draw in a deep breath.
it smells like something good will happen.
the way the light hits the floor,
and the emptiness of the quiet hall.
something good is coming.

i always try to think of someone.
one without a flaw,
one without a secret,
one without pain.
but no matter how far you look,
there will always be flaws and secrets and pain.

i want to know everyone's story.
i want to know why their parents got divorced,
why they wear that necklace around their neck,
or how their husband died.

flaws, secrets and pain, are things that like to hide,
behind our bold, confident selves,
because the pressure of society is too scary.

people need to love their flaws,
and tell their secrets,
and show their pain.

because flaws and secrets and pain should not be hidden.
these things make us human.
we are becoming less and less human as we wear masks to hide who we are.

don't dye your hair,
it's okay that you made a mistake,
and cry when you need to,
for those are the things,
that remind us we are only human.

and when everyone's door is shut
and i'm too afraid to knock,
i turn to the words to soothe.

his apparent laugh makes me shiver
and the sorry does not sound real.
i know he loves, i know he cares
but this is not a game i'm playing.

it scares me so much to feel like this
so telling you was my only choice.
i cannot formulate a sentence,
stumbling over the embarrassment.

if you are not happy,
leave for i will not rush to make you happy.
i feel sick to my stomach at the thought,
and need to knock on someone's door.

i miss her like a friend would,
her oblivion helpful to me.
she wouldn't dare to tell anyone for she ate up secrets like a child on Halloween.

he wouldn't get it,  he would scold, she would laugh it off.

someone to listen, and tell white lies to get me through would be a help.
but there are gates towering above my door, that nobody wishes to climb.

i was unhappy in ways that i could not explain,
not to you,
not to her,
not to anyone.

so i did what i have done once before,
and it hurt.
regret sinks in quick once you do something bad,
and it lingers like onion on your breath.

i've never loved like that.
the dreams come every night,
the good ones
where i'm wrapped in your arms when it's cold outside
and you shiver and whisper in my ear
you tell me you love me with the biggest smile i've ever seen
and i can't help smiling myself
but when i wake up,
it's a nightmare,
the good dreams are nothing but the past,
and i live in a life
where a lump grows in my throat
when we make eye contact
and i have to look away so i don't cry
a life where i have to watch her hands on your back,
and you roll your head back laughing,
a life where i'm not right next to you holding your hand,
and laughing at your terrible jokes

but this is my nightmare,
one i've created for myself,
one that i can't get rid of,
by sleeping in my mother's bed,
one that i can't even wake up from all

today as i watched you,
the way you looked,
the way you laughed,
the way you stared,
the way you danced,
i couldn't help but miss you
miss you so much that when she said your name i had to look away
miss you so much  that i wanted time to turn back a week or so
missed you so much that i wanted to let you know
missed you so much that i wanted to hold you and never let you go

i've read about it in books,
but would not like to tell about it in my life story.
it's something you cringe at,
but when you're staring at a TV screen.
this is real life,
how can i pretend?
smile my sweetest smile,
and talk my sweetest talk.
but when is it okay to stop?
to yell, to cry, to pound your fists.
bite your cheek, they always say.
but i can taste the blood,
and i need to get it out.