the love shines through his eyes,
but tears fall from them too,
for he knows she is blind.
blind to all the love he wants to give.
he's tired of trying.
tired of trying to open her eyes.
she's far gone,
and won't see him again.
won't ever accept his love,
that pours from his heart,
like an angry waterfall.

stuck between
what i want,
what was,
and what is,
i'm in a constant state of hopeless wondering.
this wondering makes my dreams go  crazy.
reality and the pictures that linger in my mind at night,
intertwine like a schoolgirl's braids.
i twirl my locks around my finger,
until i fall into a black pit of darkness,
that lets the thinking stop.
for hours,
i don't have to worry,
i don't have to cry,
i don't even have to think,
i can just be.
and, i lay there being,
for hours at night,
until daylight puts up "wanted" signs,
and drags me out of my happiness,
plopping me into reality,
with a thud.

i live in the sea.
full of hundreds of monsters.
there is one that hides in the reef.
he smiles sometimes,
but the sharks and the octopi
threaten to ****.
he hides, scared of the world.
so scared that he won't come out.
even when i tell him it's alright.
then he left for good.
i barely see that fish anymore,
he doesn't swim about like he used to.
found a spot deep in that reef to bury his soul.
so deep that nobody can find him,
so deep nobody can hears his silent calls for help.
he's drowning in life,
and soon he'll disappear from this deep blue sea.

nothing but a fairly tale.
i live through half my life in denial,
and the other half hopelessly dreaming.
half my life is this crystal clear reality,
hits me like a freight train,
every morning that i wake.
and the other floats above me,
like something that could be,
or should've been.
you were a fairytale,
you ran from my arms.
but it's alright darling,
i hear you laugh once in a while,
i see you smile.
i see you're doing well,
and that's all i want.
you're doing well,
without me.

i miss my golden retriever,
and my great grandfather.
i miss cinnamon biscuits,
and my old house.
i miss mattress sliding,
and learning to ride my bike.
but i don't miss you anymore.
i don't miss what we had,
or our conversations.
i don't miss who you used to be,
or your shaggy hair.
i don't miss how miserable you make me felt,
or how you saw me as someone i am not.
i just don't miss you anymore.

i'm always waiting for something,
waiting for the next thing,
or the next big moment.
and the space in between,
all of these "glorious" moments,
is waiting.
i don't cherish waking up in the morning,
or hugging my brother.
i don't pay attention to late night walks,
or kissing my old black lab.
my head is just thinking ahead,
waiting for something incredible to happen,
except one day,
i'll look back,
at the times that don't feel so important now,
and want a regular moment back,
more than anything.
i won't wish to go back to my 9th birthday,
or my first concert.
i'll wish to wake up young,
and hug my brother again.
all this space in-between the best moments,
is full of waiting,
when it should be full of more moments.
maybe not glorious,
and incredible.
but moments nonetheless.

life should be like making peanut butter pie.

fairly easy,
a five ingredient sorta thing,
where you have most of it in your cupboards already.

a little messy,
like when you turn the mixer on high,
instead of medium,
and peanut butter dances across you chin.

super sweet,
a cup of powdered sugar,
could make the whole day a little easier.

rewarding,
like when mom smiles at the creation you've made,
and dad laughs at the peanut butter on your chin.

and it won't last too long,
and you might feel like it disappears too quick,
and be bummed when the last piece is gone,
but remember, that pie was good.