The past was brutal
Failed relationships countless times
Failed attempts at ending my life
Mother who abandoned me
I mean who the hell does that ****
She wasn't meant to be a mother

The present is just as worst
Distant relationships with the closest of family
Resentment for everybody who ever told me ******* cliches
Maturing too fast that it's unpleasant and unbearable
No one can understand me anymore
The sad part is that a future is almost unlikely

The future still unclear
I don't think I can salvage one
But I made the plans to go far
And I will take each step with a delicate caution
Till that one step that sends me to oblivion
Everything is just a blur

The past, the present, the future
What each and any holds for me
Is still quite unknown
And there is nobody to guide me anymore
Its all my fault because I pushed them all away
So whatever may happens I deserve it
Even if that may be more misery or death

The scars from decades
Of battling depression
Wars with myself
For the littlest things
But this New Year
I still haven't found
Anything to believe in
There is no hope for me
For there are no more
Words left to say
This book of life
I have been writing
Finally ends
2013
Almost 17 years
And it finally ends
Did I make myself
Suffer this long
Or was it
The constant knowledge
Of a mother
Who abandoned me so young
The constant reminder
From a father
Only home for the weekends
The constant memory
Of a love
That would of never worked
The constant flashbacks
Of times that never happened
Im sick of the constant "what if's"
Im ready to let go
But not the way
So many people want
2013
And its finally over
This story has an ending
Sure it might not be happy
But its an ending
Good enough for me

My mother gave birth to a carcass
A corpse who
Ages and grows
But does not breathe
Because the dead can't breathe

I am rotting from the inside out
First my heart will go
It will blacken and crust over
Become the stone that sits in my belly
And pulls me under
Then my tongue and teeth
They will fall out
And fill bathtubs
Blood will come trickling after
Then finally
My lungs will collapse
Like a crystal chandelier
In an abandoned opera house

I will cradle the broken pieces of myself
And I will cry
Because only my eyes seem to work
I will open my mouth
And try to breathe
And only dust will escape me

You abandoned me at 13 months old
You didn't seek enough help
You didn't even try hard enough
To even be considered my mother
Through the hatred
Through the anger
Through the pain
Through it all I still say thank you
For making me a better poet
For making me the man I am today
And I love one girl
Her name is Sakota
Sure I can't date her or anything
But my heart lies with her
And you have made me something
No one else could ever hope to make me
And that is a God
Because people know who the hell I am
And I have touched several lives
Made a few know they aren't alone
So through it all I still say thank you

There once lived a girl
all alone in the world,
with no one to call a family
she has no place to call a home
like I said, she's all alone
and this story of her's is a tragedy.

Wandering the streets
with nothing to eat
to the side walk is where she retreats.
Yet food is a must
this life is a bust
but this girl will not face defeat.

She's been searching for her mother for years
the only person she truly holds dear.
She can't face the fact that her mother abandoned her
for mother is god in a child's eyes
but her mother didn't care if she lived or died.

So she continues walking
down these dark and dangerous streets
looking around she see's nothing but creeps
they offer her a place to stay
but she's not stupid, she runs away.

This girl is older now
and has changed her life.
She went to school
and fought a good fight.

She has a home now and a family of her own
letting go of her past...letting EVERYTHING go.
Her family is all she need's to know!

Dedicated in a cryptic way to my amazing and kind hearted  mother of whom I love very much!

Why am I left alone?
I am feeling abandoned
On my very own
I was in her womb
From her I was born

Where shall I go?
What did I do wrong?
Doesn’t she love me anymore?
Where has she gone?
I don’t want to be alone!

What is going on?
I want to be home
Please don’t be cold
I really need your warmth
Don’t put me on hold

You are the mother
That doesn’t bother
For any other than your lover
Leaving me without cover
On my own to hover
Until you recover
From being a wine lover

I need my mother
I love my mother
I beg you Holy Father
Please give me back my mother