You're a disobedient dog.
You never listen and do whatever you want
despite the consequence
because frankly, you don't care

You're a ticking time bomb
one day
you'll explode
and erupt in a field of ashes
tiny embers being the last remains of yourself

You're a daisy
so eloquent and innocence  
but of course, everyone picks a daisy,
taking it away from it's home.

You're me.
and i am you
and we both hate
each other.

you're as deleterious as ******
oh so addictive
you're driving me
                                over
                                           the
                                                    edge

i'm changing because of you
i can feel myself changing everyday
becoming less and less of myself
and more and more of what you would like

this is all
                    because
                                         of
                                                      you

i'm going to enter rehab
because enough is enough
i want to rid myself
                                    of
                                            you

i'm not here.
                              i'm not alive
i'm not awake
                            this is not real.

your thoughts are a rain shower
your mind is a tornado
your actions are like a hurricane

you're implacable
and i'm an inexperienced conductor

When did you become a daily part of my life?

I wish I could erase you.
Lock you in a box and disregard the key, toss it in the trash.
Avoid you on the street, like an ex partner or an old pal.
I wish I could throw away your body, lock it in a car and drive it off a ledge.

I wish you wouldn't be a daily occurrence anymore.
It's not fair to me.
Or anyone else that has to deal with you.

If only they made erasers big enough for you.

you said you loved me




                                                   but you really meant you loved my attention

you're not as dependent as you assume
                                                          ­        once you leave the room


give your self some time alone
                                                      put down the phone

Come sit down with me, dear.
Would you like a glass of tea, or are you more of a coffee person?

Come sit down with me, dear.
Allow me to wrap a warm blanket around you so you can be warm and cozy, in my arms.

Come sit down with me, dear.
Tell me about those things that keep you awake at night.
Those things that haunt your dreams
those things that remains you everyday you're less and less who you want to be.

Come sit down with me, dear.
Shall we share a bite?
Maybe your favorite food.
Or something new
Shall that tickle your fancy?

Come sit down with me, dear.
In that big chair.
There in the corner
with the red velvet arm rests
in the dimly lit room
that is so opulent.

Come sit down with me, dear.
So I can let you know
that everything
and I mean everything
will be *alright

I heard you talking

You said
you were over all the noise and she kept calling and texting
Those messages going unanswered

He laughed
Saying he understood and the same happened to him

I stayed put
Listening
And waiting
And waiting
For the perfect time to exit


Just like I am still
Waiting for an answer to my messages

here's a poem
for that 2 am feeling

that leaves you in bed
with all your covers on
along with those hot flashes
that cut deep
and sting hard
leaving you without an aspiration in the world

I love you,


but not enough to ask you first

inject me with sunshine
blast me off in a rocket with a destination of the sun
paint me a bright tint of yellow
cover me in sparkles and call me a sparkly star

i'd do anything not to be dull

******* for making me fall for you.

        ******* for making me notice the corruption in today's world

                ******* for making me notice you

                        ******* for being flawless

                                ******* for having ocean blue eyes

                                       ******* for having the gosh **** cutest laugh
                                                  
                                                  *******
                                      
                                      
******* for making me fall for you and not doing a **** thing about it

hands made of stone
heart made of rubber

eyes full of tears
shoes full of dirt

kicked to the curve, covered in rocks
eyes becomes a waterfall, heart bent out of place

I oh so desperately wish to be noticed
i'm tried of being a shadow
lurking behind you

I wish to be shiny, like sliver in the sun
i wish to shine bright
like a bullet in a gun

I wish to be loud and heard
like an scream in a tunnel
I wish my voice could ring in the ears of many

I wish to be someone
anyone that isn't me

I no longer wish to be dim shadow lurking behind everyone silently
I wish to be a loud spontaneous light
exploding in front of everyone
like a firework
who's embers never fall back down

Sheets disheveled
clothes tossed on the floor
faces coated in sweat
hearts pounding
hot breaths mixing in the hot air
giggling erupts

honestly, it's a lot better imagining this all with *you

I'm an onlooker
an observer
of your every move

I'm a storage unit
storing all the little things you say
so i can paint a picture of you in my mind
so that i don't have to talk to you

I'm a tree, rooting myself all around you
trying to pull you in
so you can become a part of me
because i'm no good with words
and i'm far from a trophy
or even a medal

I know you'll never be mine
so maybe you should go through the cell cycle
and create a daughter you
and be mine

Maybe I'll get some sleep then.

here's a letter so i can ensure this is not your fault
and never will
don't you dare think that
you're one of a kind

don't be alarmed
when i'm gone
it's not your fault
you tried your best
i tried too little

you were good to me
i was bad to you
i was bad to everyone
i deserve my fate

i'm sorry i broke my promise
please don't hate me
don't shed a tear for me either
i'm not worth your golden output

remember that i love you
and i love the memories we shared
and the jokes we made
the worlds we created
and the worlds that never got to be visited

please still live on the memories i destroyed
they're meant to be shared
not just for us, but for the world we would have changed
the world that is in your hands
and is left for you to take on

you're strong and are able to do this
without me
without any burdens
because you're strong, brave, and powerful
everything i am not
and can never be

i love you
regardless of where my body lays

another seat empty

another missed assignment

another letter grade down on attendance

another excuse email

                             Dear __,
Sorry i'm not in class, i'm not feeling well can you tell me  what I missed? thank you have a great day!
                                            Thanks,     ___
another day i'm a waste

                                            
                                               but professor let me be honest,
                                                         sorry i can't come to class
                                                               i really can't handle anything
                                                        ­              anymore

do you tell yourself the lies you tell me?

do you fill your head with lies,

just like you did to me?

Incomplete
Unfinished
Unacceptable
Banished
Abrogated
Repudiated

and the young child

found out

the world wasn't desired

late at night is when the cycle begins.

waking up for a great dream, sweating begins.
sitting up, trying to deny whats happening always leads to a short run to the toilet.
after the adrenaline, my body can no longer take it.
which leads to bending down in a rush, flinging open the toilet.

puke. flush. puke. flush
repeat.

then after the self hatred slowly crawls in, the shaking begins.
the shaking gets worse, it's all such a blur.

and once that ends, i curl back into bed.
waiting for the cycle to start again.