You can see bruises
Ripening on my apple skin

I don't want you to recognize them
If you placed your palms against them
Would they fit like key-in-lock

We all have our own unique fingerprints
Mine are frost bitten

I don't know what love is anymore
But I do know it hurts

Stick to poems they never bite you in the back
Stick to the light and never look back

Brooms in the closet
***** on the floor
Dreams in my head
Lies on our lips
Sleeping under tables
Dancing with strangers

Tomorrow is here
And I thought it would never come
But what's happened is finished
Though I don't think I won

Being your light was hard
I fed my disappointments to pyromaniacs
Itching to strike matches against your spine
Breathing, into your hair
Begging, light me up
When my light finally does fade
Remember me
As the dirt under your nails
Sprinkle it on my grave
Along with your tears
This is goodbye

Though it has been merely moments
Since the sound of you voice
Flooded through my ears

I am drowning in the suspense
And waves of sweet misery
Crash over my tempered soul

And though you say much
That you would reach a hand
To pull me out save me

I could not know these words
Nor do I dare believe
That you would care so much

To watch one drown
Be a terrible fate in its own
Yet to save a soul from water

And lift it to your own shores
Is to link your heart to that other
A memory as strong as steel

To keep together, always connected
For a life that was not to live
But to be saved and continued

A moments hesitation could cost
So much more that you could pay
And you never stood a chance

But that didn't get in your way
For moments are smaller hours
And eyes are darker souls

Intertwined in water
And bound in the waves
You bore be from a watery grave

This shore no more stable
That our trembling fingers
And yet though I long for touch

I could not dare to linger
For promises from my fingers
Are not bound by my heart

For they are unsustainable
Yet honest in a way
And I would not lie to you

In such a harmful way
For you could never seek
To ruin a phantom kiss

But I know you should run
Before the storm comes
To close to ****

I cannot push you away
At the same time I need you
And I want you to stay

But my heart is a fire
And those who touch are burned
So many have tried

And many have yet to learn
I want a last
I don't need a list

I want to love
And to be kissed
But danger lies

Between all these lips
And truth is buried
But never missed

Some flames so large
As to consume
But mine a candle

Ever steady, always bright
But you would never miss it
Among those of the same light

To face a sky that never rains
But the sky looks down
On a face of rain

Tears to slip into shadow
If you never knew they were cried
Then they would not know how to hide

To pool in eyes of warmth
And rain down cheeks of pain
To die on charcoaled lips

And never be the same
A trail of memories
To ever be traced

To always be moving
Just to find a place
To never be the same

And live within each day
To know each hour
As you never did before

Because every moment
Must be accounted for

The lines are all to thin
Between life and death
I need you to stop questioning
I have already passed the test

When one footprint
Is on the wrong side of the line
When the distance
Is way to fine

It doesn't really make sense
To keep right and wrong
That closed together
This is not where I belong

you can listen to the radio
and hear all the songs
but it won't drown out the noise
of what is screaming inside

I don't believe in fate
The omens do not control my life
The lines in my hands are merely lines
The marks on my body tell the real story

My hair is long the perfect mask
I have pictures of things that could never last
Time is a monster it devours me whole
I cling to precious seconds before they are gone

When a smile is all that I have left to wear
The empty compliments are so easy to accept
But what is the point when all I feel is contempt
How is self pity ever acceptable

Books are my friends I am torn between pages
When I can live a life I know will end happily ever after
But when I am forced to return to the world I dwell in
How can I not break from the stress

I am real you cant press me between pages
I am something that wont last I will fade
Like flowers trampled under foot in a glade
Just more earth turned over with a *****

When I regret the words I continue to say
Waiting and hoping for the end of the day
How do I grow with no sun love or water
I am a piece of clay left to dry without potter

When the fairytale ends and I am faced with reality
When people are forced to accept the real me
When bold words come from foolish hearts
When I end where I wanted to start

Then I am truly only and at peace
Then I am forced to face the beast

The fear melts down my spine in rivers
Collecting in pools of anxiety
That tendril to my limbs
I try to hide in the shadow of bravery
But I am not worthy of its cloak
So I quake in the eyes
Of all my enemies, watching me
As I fall inside myself
Drowning in pity
A damaged cavern that crumbled
To bring me down into
A dank hell
We all wish for light in the end
I only want to see less dark
To see the sun is to much
I merely need to make mark

The weight of the world
Sits different on my shoulders
When my head
Is resting on your chest
My ribs beg to split open
To scream, my soft prayers
My devotion, into your ears
Somehow, when I whisper
I love you
I hope you hear me

"Do you ever dream in Spanish?"

"Only on Friday."

I feast on your attention

You are an open flower
I cannot help but wonder
Is this pure consciousness
Have you closed your soul
So soon
Unburden yourself of the past
She is not today's weight

I need these stars

I am not lost
Even though you have left me
It is only much to quiet now
You were my lifesong
I am strong still
Now it is much to silent

What words could I give to the whisps of your memory
I grasp for you with bleeding fingers
There is no spine to this fragment of my stained glass thoughts
I slam my head against the open door of the temple
These hinges, creaking in the presence of angels
Lucifers hands grasped around the pulpit, knuckles splitting open
While the corners of his mouth parted, like the legs of a ******, for honey fangs that drip the sweetest lies
The convenience of the cross beneath the vaulted ceilings
Will the devout fill this room with prayers
Their words are just smoke
They will not wash away the pentagram burned into the virgins flesh
Her skin stings, this pain it does not fade
This pain, it covers her dutifully
It is a garment to her carcass
No man will lay with her as faithfully as her grave
The earth is her most devoted lover
Gaia so patient in her lust
She has born a sun and now she lays barren
Let the earth split
Hell swallow her up!
These are the runes on the temple walls
If only your fingers read as well as your eyes write
These riddles are for sinners
Wrap your head around naught
These black droplets are for you
Let them coax you into the leviathan depths
Fools hate the wise
Fools hate fools
Excluding only their own foolishness
This is the commandment in the book
Lay down during the night
That your fortune be good
That the blood moon pass you bye
Let another fill the lust of Luna's stomach
This is the dark side of the moon
The devil is impatient tonight
He will have the blood on my hands for a necklace around his throat
Who will look into his eyes and dare him to steal petals from heavens doorstep,
for his own grave

Your sheets hold your secrets
Between cotton and silk they thrive
Trapped in a small expanse
But part of a larger infinity
They know names and bodies
And every curve of your back
The hold you down
And hide you away
Between each gentle layer
You cannot wash them out
Or cover them up to hide
They lay exposed in an unsafe place

If I wrote a poem about love
Could you find it among the others
Would my emotions be any better or worse
Redundant yet unique in your melody
Like another drop of water
In an over flowing stream
Would you drink me into your life
Or let me rush away in the current
Pull me out, or let me be pulled along
Is either right, or either wrong
I'm just another love poem
About your smile and your hands
Just another strong emotion
That guides my selfless choices
Just another one
Yet still unique in the song I sing

The way your essence fills my lungs
Can only be compared
To the way a breeze goes through my hair
For it is gentle
Yet still
You feel it tremble and stare

Feeling out my way through this world
Not much better than blindness
How will I know
When you're bluffing
Still, I fold
Into the night

My all wasn't enough?

It's just not fair.

I have the worst luck.

You will always be more!

Than I will ever need.

You are my solid oaken door.

Keeping me safe...

Keeping bad things out.

Locked inside a place.

Called home!

Oh to be there

Always loved, never alone.

July 28, 2021
For so long I have felt like I am falling asleep.

October 5, 2021, 10:54
Have I been such a stranger to peace my whole life that when she comes to settle, I do not know her face?

I used to be cooler
Now I'm crueler
Older heart with harder lines
Reciting memories, to pass time

All your dreams gather like shadows
For they love the dark, and all she holds
Her wings are fire, so bright she burns
Like hot coals she kisses, and she yearns
Closer still, to the tempting burn
Some are smart, some never learn
She calls to you a nightly ordeal
By emotions, oh fool that you feel
Safer still, so far from her reach
But Night, she falls within reach
Only to take, never to teach
Sleep oh dreamer, while you may
I lay awake, I watch, and I pray

we blow away like leaves
and are forgotten even though
we fell from imaginable heights
withstood the strongest storm
held onto a weak limb
braced against the elements
yet be blew away in the fall
as we fell to the barren ground
covering it in a blanket of colors
leftovers from the summers crisp wonders

The magic in the trees is aging
Though differently than I

...i must be still now...

      ...to allow the celestials and heavens to change me

...you to are different now my friend...

   ...and the sky falls out of my eyes...
...I cannot contain...

...such/such is this/such am I/such a time as this... ... s uch..
                

                  please don't let me go...

...I will not move/help/I wait...

                                     ...please don't let me go

My friend,

Does your heart feel
Like it's coming apart at the seams

Does it feel
Like the pain seeps in in-between

Have you noticed the thread
Clutched in my hand

I am trying to sew you
But it's not working like I planned

Until the darkest hour
I stitch and I sew

Even if I can't seal it
I'll never let you go

Your heart isn't a pillow
Its a comforter

To keep us safe
You are my comforter

The warmth you hide
Is okay to show

And if you trust me
I'll let you know

When your blood drips
Down your arms

I'll remind you my friend
That only hate harms

I can try so hard
To hold your heart

I will always love you
Even when you fall apart

You tears are mine
Like the oceans current

And we each know
The other is heaven sent

You look for me in the dark
And in the dark you find

All of the little pieces
That you left behind

I keep all my love
Inside my heart

So your memory
Will never be far apart

Your eyes see
Into my very soul

And you know
That I am not whole

We bide our time
And make many scars

We hurt ourselves
And bend many bars

Alone in our minds
We seek a way

To know this earth
And try to stay

Promises that say
Together we are alive

We still try to look
For a way to thrive

Hands clasped in hope
Never to let another go

For when we are one
Then we start to grow

I have lived a whole lifetime today
and I think that is why it took kissing you drunk too learn how to love you sober

My head is an abandoned house
With graffiti on the walls
The red door is closed
And all the window panes are broken

You just wanted to write love on my arms
And circle me in flowers
I just didn't know how to let you in
So I mutter into the cold air
"Bitter are the leaves, oh the dying leaves, of an unwatered tree."

Oh that the grey heavens would split open
Like a cavernous monster
And pour onto the earth
All her sorrows and pain

My greatest struggle of humanity is this;
That we must wage our minds against what they are unwilling to relinquish. Where we go, the mind leads and all the unredeemed will follow.

Because who wants a suicidal girlfriend?

I saw myself in a old photo today
I don’t have that outfit anymore
I remember the piece of tissue
Stuck to my shoe from the toilet water
The last thing I remember tasting
Was black, and mild, and sober
I smoked it on the cold ground
In the alley behind the bar
That seemed the safest place
I took my clothes off when I got home
Bagged them twice
Placed them in the garage bin
I sat under the scalding shower water
Praying it would burn you out of me
Feeling the storm inside
Wanting lightning to come down
Strike you from me
Wishing I had the strength
To scrub you off me
Knowing naked would never be the same
A layer of comfort peeled away

I saw myself in a photo today
The day you made me sick
Remembering laying lifeless
In my bed
Unable to move, sweating
The fever did not cleanse me
You readied me
For trials
I did not know I would endure
You weakened me
For burdens
I was not meant to bear

It was a week before he came
Separate from you
Soon to be the same
In my fevered thoughts
I thought my shining knight
Was here to comfort me
He drew his sword
Stabbing the wound you opened
His armor
Protected only him
Who will pull the sword
From the stone
I am too weak

Picture me now
Wearing this scar
I waited for it to fade
To heal

We must push through

It is all I have ever known
I place my palms against the drywall
Again
And again, and again
It is not finished
The powder fills the cracks in my skin
Nestles under my nails
My brow sweats
Still, I push
There is always resistance
After this wall
There will be another
As if my will power
Is trying to climb parallel
Through every floor
Of a skyscraper

Keep pushing

Our shower talks
Remind me of confession
Someone behind the curtain, listening
The other speaking
Vulnerable
Trying to get clean
Feeling the heat
The pressure
Letting it wash away

If I could chose to fall in love
I would not choose to fall in love you
Because falling hurts
I would simply love you
With all that I am
Because without you
I am dessert
Dry empty and barren
Wreaking havoc when the winds blow
Because I cannot chose in my right mind
To ever let someone like you go