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348 · Feb 2016
Speed-o-meter
it's ok Feb 2016
I couldn't slow down if I wanted to.
I have two jobs, school, and a social life
It's 2 AM and my thoughts don't stop.
Sometimes I wish it all could
Stop.
Most people can't keep up,
But if you relax for a second
You fall apart and
i run off energy drinks and melatonin
But I still can't sleep and my eyes are burning

I don't have time to think sometimes.
I learned how to live off a total of 6 hours of sleep
For an entire two weeks.

I couldn't live any faster than this.
347 · Jun 2016
Depth.
it's ok Jun 2016
Sorry I didn't text you back.
I was busy,
I know, it's no excuse,
But I was trying to catch my breath,
I was running through the streets
Jumping in creeks
At dead end roads

Sorry I didn't return your phone calls
I was preoccupied dancing with him
In the shadows of a sunset
With no music playing
We were just waiting for the stars
To shine brighter than our eyes

I never received your emails
There's no wifi at the edge of a cliff.
It just doesn't come with the thrill of an ocean breeze
In the middle of waters
We were busy jumping waves
And trying to live instead of just survive
346 · Oct 2017
there's chaos in me
it's ok Oct 2017
the fog looked like smoked this morning
and i thought the city would burn down.
no one was rushing to save the burning buildings
because it's only fog that encased this town.

the air smelled like fire, falling debris
and i knew i wanted to escape this town to feel free
everyone had a dead look in their eyes,
but i drove towards the exit to escape everything
it's ok Oct 2015
theres a boy that just tried to show me everythings gonna be okay
i showed him to pick at my wounds
theres a boy that just tried to love me,
and i showed him how to love anyone that isn't me
it's all in fear, and it's all in good days
when i call a friend up, because i have to think
when i got high with him and tried to stay close
but he came down, and wasn't in the best place
i passed out in the grocery store parking lot
but ****, is this how i want to live?
it's ok Feb 2014
you created your own problems
and its time to stop
making up excuses.

self-centered.

but I hope you're doing okay
and I hope no one ever has to suffer
While the world is collapsing
we save ourselves
from fires and floods

When no one really matters,
I hope you're not crying in a bathroom stall,
I hope you fit in unless you hate attention
but that's your decision

but don't ask me to notice
how you are putting problems on yourself
343 · Dec 2015
Delinquents
it's ok Dec 2015
I rode in a car with a kid accused of ******
He was the driver, and he wanted to safely
Get me home.
I used to call him one of my best friends,
So maybe I was blind sided to think he never murdered that man.

I once stayed around a "drug dealer" for 3 days straight
He got arrested because he got caught
Cops considered him dangerous.
I always thought he was one of the nicest people I knew
Now he's bailed out and new and improved.
He talks all the time about how
Drugs will never affect him again

This girl I knew overdosed on pills.
She never saw the police,
But I heard her lips turned blue,
Her eyes turned dark,
And her skin lost color.

Ever since then she's been in therapy.
I think it's okay to not trust her
I think it's okay to not trust someone
That would blame you for their problems
338 · Feb 2016
Okay, 123
it's ok Feb 2016
im trying to breathe slow while living fast
I'm taking it all in,
And I'm not angry anymore
335 · Feb 2015
I'm Not vs. I am
it's ok Feb 2015
I'm not sorry for being unapologetically me
I don't feel bad for my anger or my happiness
I'm not sorry for losing a few friends
I am regretting that I did not love deeper
334 · Nov 2018
Untitled
it's ok Nov 2018
i really want to be free
i wonder what i'm really working towards
would it be easier to get on medication?
to feel so out of touch with myself?

i really don't want to be me
330 · Jul 2017
Untitled
it's ok Jul 2017
some people hear songs
and they feel like they've already heard it
He said they all had the same melody,
The beat is a recurrence in all the songs

Every single one of them feel the same.
He said he's searching,
But he said he's done.
You see, he's stopped,
And he's settled for
a song that's at a faster pace
But still the same.
330 · Jun 2014
careful
it's ok Jun 2014
Speak to me like you're plotting everything,
Because to you, a few drinks might shed some skin
And if you stick some words to my skin,
you think charm will addict me to you,

please realize who is in control here,
because never ever will I have someone
deceive me as horribly as you're doing
330 · Apr 2022
against me
it's ok Apr 2022
this was never really mine to keep
I’m greedy and ungrateful
I like the simple things like when he speaks
his words are flavorful
And I swallow them like cough syrup
He gets me so so high
that I feel like I might throw up.
329 · Nov 2016
Insomnia
it's ok Nov 2016
She brought me speckles of light in her hair
And she made highlighted the best aspects of my mind
Her name is Night and she keeps me awake and aware.
I just can't get enough of her, she's so quiet and kind.

I thought of her as pretty selfish to play with my head like this.
She blames it on my brain hoping I'll dismiss
The awful things she puts me through.
But I fall for it each time we lay.

She so gentle, but sometimes her touch is cold.
She makes her way under my clothes,
Distorted hours, her face is stone
But I welcome it

Her name is Night and she keeps her visits
But she'll leave me breathless when
Day scratches
327 · Mar 2016
Untitled
it's ok Mar 2016
I can't really focus on
What everyone is interested in.
It's black and blue in a chronological way.
It's okay not to understand me,
I Am
sugar and salt mixed together.
You don't need to learn the map of brain
The compass is faced the wrong way
The roads are all dead ends
And you can't even read the directions anyway

I am not someone that you should understand
326 · Jan 2019
BPD
it's ok Jan 2019
BPD
what if everyone leaves you?
no one loves you,
wait why do you care?
you're you're own person.
but what if you end up all alone,
again.
you love these people,
and they make the emptiness go away.
your life is a series of different addictions.
to people. to foods. that one song.
drugs. edge off the pain. the ******* stress,
you're not controlling anything,
everyone thinks you're a **** up,
be louder. no that's annoying.
calm down, now you're too aloof,
how do i make him notice me?
he's all i think about now
but it's onto the next one
and now im kinda empty
it's ok Apr 2014
True beauty does not have to communicated by human lips,
but shines through the eyes of a loved animal
that trusts you enough to curl up in your lap
and doesn't flinch at the hand that comforts them
the animal that will make sure you're okay
and will be there for you when it feels like
every thing is falling apart,
things are best when something so full of love
wants you to feel better again
It's a short stupid poem, but I really love my animals. They mean the world to me. I have four of my own.
Simba(cat), Sydney(Dog), Ghost(rabbit), Shadow(rabbit) and they're all really sweet and I just have an overwhelming love for them. :)
323 · Apr 2014
1,264 miles
it's ok Apr 2014
I need to evoke imagination
I need a little bit of inspiration
Do you run out of things to say?
Keep your thoughts louder
keep 'em louder than your mouth
Are you apart of who we we?
We chew up your patterns,
we spit 'em back out
Are you listening?
Do you need some time to rest?
every minute is spent
Watching hills crawl
and I stopped caring years ago
Even if it's forced, all I needed was to think
321 · May 2014
it's just venting
it's ok May 2014
only escaping problems
I'm sick of all my friends trying to convince me
they are the lifers with a rebellious touch
They're confidence mixes far too much with arrogance
sometimes
I wanted to be a little wild, so I changed my fashion
I wanted to discover, so I travel without my mom's permission
but I don't feel a thrill that people talk about
I feel absolutely nothing when I'm using foul language
and my emotions are surely blank when wind is going through
my hair in an 90 mph car,
I feel nothing but the arrogance beaming off of the driver
"trying to beat the speed limit"
and I guess I'm not good at much?
321 · Mar 2019
metaphor
it's ok Mar 2019
There’s a golden glow that seeps into my house as the sun is setting, but it reveals all the grime that was muddled in on the floor. I try to clean, sweep and mop, to make the hardwood floors reflect the beaming light better, but now the rooms too bright and my eyes are having a hard time adjusting. I push myself into a shadow so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort of adjusting right away, but by the time the light is tolerable, the sky is already dark.
321 · Jul 2015
member
it's ok Jul 2015
please don't fade from the things we said
i don't need you, but you're necessary
to keep me breathing steady,
but sometimes i'd rather be dead

sometimes i think to blame this all on you
and sometimes late at night,
i think about how if i just didn't text you,
or if i just got rid of that ticket,
then i could cut this feeling away

but maybe i love the pain that comes with it
it only makes sense that this would pass me
320 · Dec 2016
seasonal depression
it's ok Dec 2016
the girl next to me is talking.
she says her happiness goes down with the temperature
everyone else repeats these words like a forged signature.
but hot air never stopped my shivering.
for me, it comes without a warning sign.
318 · Dec 2013
Why were we so sad?
it's ok Dec 2013
Too young to be so sad
A little upset because our mothers didn't think we could tap into that emotion so much
Angry at the world for not making us feel better
Why were we so sad?
Because now the faded scars don't make sense,
Except for when the light is out and I'm all alone
Left to figure things out
with nothing to distract me from myself
I think about the past
and I realize why were so sad.
{Prephaps I used the word 'sad' too much}
318 · Jun 2015
natural selection
it's ok Jun 2015
i find it terrifying how i see myself losing my mind
each night mare i see a drastic change
i find it ironic how i used to be afraid of those who lost their minds
but now i'm only afraid of myself
have i lost my mind?
315 · Jan 2016
Manipulation
it's ok Jan 2016
give me a second of your time, and I'll burn the fire
It'll be so bright.
Hot enough so everyone takes a step back
Including the ones you love
So what if they call you brainwashed and insane?

Here we go, hold my hand
Let's get a little closer to the heat,
It's true. No one else will understand.
Our feet are on fire now,
Can you feel the slow burn?

Well, it's not over yet.
if our faces get a little redder,
I'll give you everything you've ever wanted
And the world tells you it's a bad idea,
But you're happy,
Aren't you?

We go down in ashes together.
You don't have the right person if everything feels wrong.
Rebuild.
315 · Mar 2017
Forgive and not forget
it's ok Mar 2017
I can't erase the summer I spent,
Where I knew I'd be left behind.
My mind was up for rent,
memories stuck. played on rewind.

sometimes I'm reminded of how You did.
you apologized, anD you cried.
It doesn't compensate for the nights I laid
Face down in a pillow for days, no one on my side.

maybe I get it.
But I don't. All that it was I was ignored
And I think about when we sat in the parkinglot.
And I felt angry at you for crying.

You knew you were ******.
You didn't know I was on the verge.

Someday you'll understand
315 · May 2016
Wisdom teeth.
it's ok May 2016
I lost my complexity the day my wisdom teeth broke through.
Or that's what it felt like,
Because people stopped telling me things like
"Something about you is mysterious."
There's so much I still never told anyone.

I lost how interesting I was the day I said I'll leave
I blended in and became just like the rest of this town
I forgot how I was different when I wore expensive shoes.
Because I didn't stop and appreciate the uniqueness I could contain
314 · Jan 2019
fuck this
it's ok Jan 2019
my feeling of control,
feeling like i was moving towards my goals
only lasted a year.
i think this is the reason i can't believe
i have a grasp
314 · Mar 2016
High lows
it's ok Mar 2016
Are you here?
You seem too far
covered in the sun shower.
You're lightning and
you're a flame that burns my days down,
and you brought me down when you could talk so smooth.
He said baby. I can't. Love. Another
I can't stop choosing crazy and numb. Sometimes it's like I'll only love him.
But he made it sound like a joke no
I'm not obsessed. It's mutual, and it know it is.
I forgot to mention I don't have this type of love
I was never falling apart but
I somehow still went through hell and back to stay together like
I was always on the verge of snapping
And it took all my strength
Some nights I'm weaker than others
I used to love my time alone
But now when I'm alone I think
What could I have done better?
Should I have talked it out?
I never shattered but
I guess I did, only when I was alone
But I was never lonely
I just couldn't stop thinking of the piled up mistakes
How much I missed you, but
I couldn't fall in love with all of it
Only you.
And to thank you for the hell you payed me
314 · Feb 2015
It's All Talk
it's ok Feb 2015
You shaped yourself,
I fell in love with that until I fell apart.
Can't handle the passing moments, it all moves too fast
These nights end too soon.
You don't do too well losing your friends,
I've lost enough people to make a crowd

I could probably blame you, say I was okay when numb
Yell at you, tell you to stay away.
Instead, I think I'll just fall apart.
314 · Apr 2018
my hometown is haunted.
it's ok Apr 2018
my hometown is haunted
there’s memories down every back road,
and some spirits are stuck on who they were
they roam the old dirt roads,
Thinking things have never changed.
There’s confederate soldiers still roaming my neighborhood,
The ghosts of slaves still singing their songs
Which are carried into the ears of their descendants,
it’s a reminder of rights that haven’t been granted.

There’s still hills from the crops that have been planted years and years ago.
There’s still people that hold the same belief as their white grandparents did.
There’s still hills and mountains to climb before everyone realized we’re all the same height.

My hometown is plagued with hatred,
But you have to listen closely,
It’s in the voices of rich southern belles,
Down to the soul of the tobacco spitting **** heads.
It’s cooked into green bean casseroles and fed to their children
Through backhanded compliments plastered in a facade.

Late at night, listen to the sounds in my hometown and
You’ll hear history.
Listen to the abandoned train,
And the slaves that worked through the heavy rain
if you close your eyes, you’ll see the sweat and tears,
Where you can’t tell which is which.
Listen to the broken souls,
And how far it carried into their own.
And you’ll realize this war was never over
For anyone begging for a difference
312 · May 2014
Dizzy Reflection
it's ok May 2014
Where did you start and who are you now?
Looking in the mirror with a heavy heart.
You  believe you believe your importance never
never ran through someone's mind
but your vocal chords ring with the way you talk
and your throat rumbles with power when you speak
I want you to know me
and I want you to listen.
There's a place to start and there's a place to end,
it's not simple and the days seem like years sometimes
but it's always worth it in the end
311 · Apr 2014
drunk and sad
it's ok Apr 2014
I got drunk alone with whiskey,
the back porch held me with tears I shed
I didn't want help, but after the clean skin
I had for 3 whole years, it's amazing how
a little piece of metal, with pounds of self pity
can lure you back to opening wounds
311 · Jan 2014
Depression
it's ok Jan 2014
I was all alone, and gasping for air
Reaching for something I knew was not there
Dark and quiet, all is well.
Nothing is wrong, shouldn't I feel okay?
Because I can cry, but it's so stupid,
So why waste my energy when I'm so tired,
my feet can't move forward
I know what I'm gonna have to face
It's the same every single day.
and I wish this on no one
I know. ..  I try my best to post happy stuff, but I sink too.
311 · Nov 2015
in my head
it's ok Nov 2015
It began to happen during days
Beginners mistake, only adding to the delay
I closed my eyes and the world disappeared
everything I once feared
the dolls eyes are opened wide,
Waiting for a tear to drop from your eye
Perfect perfect
Days are showing their faces
The perfect days are measured by if
You have a foot massage at work

Fast food. No business. Your own hands.
The perfect days are measured by if I can watch a show and have dinner with my coworker.
Close the door. Open the lights.

The nights began to happen during the day.
I felt like I came to life again.    
    Something broke me. Out of the mold

It wasn't you with you cheese splattered canvas
You're a rookie who still doesn't know how to live
My blood came back all at once,
And I'm back full force

It began to happen during the day.
I'd close my eyes and let the waves drown me
Take the happiness and take the sadness
And all at once I let myself feel again.

I'm getting better. I'm gonna be better

I'm breathing again.
311 · Jul 2017
not a poem
it's ok Jul 2017
sometimes in my omnipotent self, i will break and bruise the sky. colors start to pour out and i am happy, but this isn't me. i am out of control. i play in the sky without fear of consequence and steal the sun of its light. in these moments, i am flying and my insides are burning. i make a wish for this to never end. i am flying until i crash and become human again. humans are messy and i feel nothing but lost amongst the crowd. i search for myself in clouds of smoke and burning liquid and the reflection of his eyes. his troubled past and bad intentions makes me feel like maybe he can understand who i am and who i thought i was and the blurred line between the two, but we're leveling on different emotional states, and all i can be is an added number. time goes on and i become apart of the ****** up people that's been in his life. i forgot again. i forgot when I'm like this I only amount to a storm. and they keep telling me how violent my presence can be. so i close my eyes in prayer that i will open them to the sun i dread to see. sometimes i do, and we start all over again.
310 · Apr 2018
BoH
it's ok Apr 2018
BoH
my soul belongs to the flames that rise up from the grill,
My heart is flipping in white wine in a skillet,
And my arms are full of burn marks,
I show them off to tell the world
“I chose a career that switched me from my dysfunctional family to another one”

By the time I’m home I smell like sweat and food,
Sometimes too tired to wash the day away,
I fall in my bed, too awake to fall asleep.
I’m in love with what I do,
And After 20 years, I’m finally home.
309 · May 2016
Continuation
it's ok May 2016
No one will notice the warning signs.
Tell them right to their face, it'll be ignored.
Is it really worth being lonely,
Even when so many people love you?
Is it really worth the breaking feeling in your stomach
And the led in your heels
With glass in your toe?
Is it honestly worth laying in bed and
Falling apart instead of falling asleep every night?
If you're like me
You see your safety differently.
You forget to eat or wear your seatbelt.
Some days it's best you don't drive at all.

No one will see the street signs that tell you
What's about to happen,
But in the end they'll be in tears when it's all lost.
it's ok Jun 2015
It's terrifying to suffer from years and years of
low self esteem, no confidence, and not caring if you stopped living
i'm only now healing and it's terrifying to think
someone could break me any moment
or if I think about what happened... that night..
the things that were screamed at me when I was barely awake
and the ways I started my days, breathing in as many chemical I could
or how I felt... when the chemicals didn't want to trick my brain
when I let myself fall.
all I have to do listen to a song that reminds me of how I felt.

take take take take me back, and remind me of when  I tried to feel nothing
I remember being given pills to take,
"You enjoy feeling nothing, and I don't"
I kept them in the car, in a gum bottle
and never chewed the gum
and so I felt nothing

and I tried not to feel you.
I sat at home alone
and now i'm trying not to remind myself

that's okay
I've accepted that if i break again,
then I will break.

but I'm healing. I am trying.
I even read books about it,
and listen to songs about it
306 · Mar 2015
Let Down Alarms
it's ok Mar 2015
I went to watch the sun rise
but it was cloudy, so made my own clouds with smoke and lungs
And I watched the sky grow brighter and dull all at once
and hid the can, and rolled towards the source
hoping for the clouds to give up,
while I was waiting to stop feeling like paper fill with your thoughts.
304 · Jun 2016
Back to Square 1.
it's ok Jun 2016
Here we go again with the days I don't eat at all
I'm starting to repeat my words over and over
except not in my sleep, 'cause I can't seem to shut my eyes
only when the stars and melatonin are in agreement,
but it doesn't matter because I'm having nightmares again
except my eyes are open and I'm not dreaming
my skin is actually red and bleeding
my hands are actually shaking
this is reality and it's terrifying

I think I'm repeating how I was a few years ago,
This time, I have people closer to me,
I have people at my work to find comfort in
I could probably let my mother know,
but I'd rather talk about my financial condition than my mental state

I never figured out what it meant to do
"soul searching"
I always found it just fine at 3 in the morning
because that's the only time everything poisons my mind
that's the only time i can feel anything
I just can't seem to feel truly alive anymore
302 · Oct 2020
home is where the heart is
it's ok Oct 2020
I’ve never really felt like i was “home”
At night I’ve laid down a sleepy head
Full of wishes that I get through the night safe and sound
But every dream reminds me I’ve never been love in a way that didn’t bring me pain

I wake up these days to open arms and a shoulder to cry on
but the rhythm of his heart beat only is a reminder
Even though he lives in my heart rent free
I’ll never be able to make a home in his

Every time we’re tangle in the sheets I use my imagination.
Through his gasps escaping his lips,
I can make up that he says everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from him.
For a moment I can push away all the restlessness my soul endures

But the reminder crashes over me in waves when it’s over  
It swirls around my head and into words that spew out on to pages
Keeping me awake well past 3am
And I write about how I’ve never really been home.

I’ve only visited places I didn’t belong
Sat in crowded spots and and felt all alone
I’ve never found home
Not in a city, not in a person
And not in my very own vessel.
301 · Mar 2016
"Not a joke."
it's ok Mar 2016
I don't remember when it first started,
All I know it is was a pressing weight that
Fell through my lungs
Puncture some veins and killed some nerves
I heard the questions I hope we all hear
(I don't want to be the only one and all alone),
They never stopped throughout all the years.

I only figured them out enough
To make them be quiet.
And I got so violent when they were louder than me.
So I was quiet.
I'll explain this to you,
I've made peace with these nagging questions.
The professionals call this a serious case,
But I'm fine, honest.
I'll find the answers.
299 · Mar 2016
home is where you pay rent.
it's ok Mar 2016
Nights like tonight remind me why I hate sleeping at "home"
I have a toxic relationship with my bed
Melatonin can't block out the noises of my childhood
I spent it watching my parents stumble and burn us
We were in sight but out of mind,
Nights like tonight make me wonder why
Do I rest my head on my pillow?
Making minimum wage is like being in an abusive relationship
"You can't leave
You'll never find anyone better
Are you happy with what you have?"
And home is never going to be where the heart is.
Can you understand me?
298 · Dec 2015
1 Month
it's ok Dec 2015
I could make you smile today.
Who do you truly have besides me and her, anyway?
But if you need to say goodbye, I'll be pulling your weight
297 · Jan 2015
And The Summer Sings
it's ok Jan 2015
We spun in circles in the heavy air,
Intoxicated and praying for better days
We spun our circles, and left all we loved behind
297 · Nov 2016
cut chain
it's ok Nov 2016
I'm here and I'm very much alive,
and so I'll strive,
but you know what else?
i'm gonna just live.
296 · Jan 2014
Forever
it's ok Jan 2014
Forever is only seven months,
and I am alone
*(10w)
295 · May 2015
old moments
it's ok May 2015
i think of passed days, and
i smell smoke and vanilla
perfume, bought second handed
i think of last summer, and
i smell what loneliness would smell like
if i try hard enough i know the smell of
over used air conditioners
and it hits me in the stomach, and i know
what the feeling of staying up all night feels like
sober and innocent in the spring time
but that was so long ago,
and i don't want to live
not here any more
i like to think of the days because the hurricanes.
294 · Sep 2016
I know,
it's ok Sep 2016
That the universe will snap in two
The explosion of the sun is going to set us on fire
And the sky will take a different hue
Our atmosphere destroy the innocent and the liar
But for now all that I want and all that I need,
Is your breath against my neck
and your arms around me
294 · Jul 2016
healings
it's ok Jul 2016
it's supposed to be that way
everything needs to feel hopeless
you have to break a few times
and absolutely need to feel terrible,
worse than you've ever felt,
before you can be strong.

it's a game called life
and it's supposed to be cold
and you have to search
before you can find your warmth
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