it's supposed to be that way
everything needs to feel hopeless
you have to break a few times
and absolutely need to feel terrible,
worse than you've ever felt,
before you can be strong.

it's a game called life
and it's supposed to be cold
and you have to search
before you can find your warmth

Sometimes a good thing has to be let go,
I'm afraid if I do, I'll fall below
It's hard to believe better things are gonna show
After living through hell & way down low

Heavy eyes, white knuckles
Passing scents, leaving behind vanilla and honey suckle
I'm not where I'm supposed to end up
So if I fall while I'll climbing, maybe it's all in good luck

Better things to come, better me
Now I have to try to leave.

I’d be better on my own
It breaks my heart to say,
But I don’t think your arms are my home
They’re never open for me anyway

I know you probably tried your best,
We’re just not each other’s person.
So, when I move out west
I won’t be around to be a burden.

I need to feel loved
I need to feel defended
For you I pushed and shoved
But after everything, you couldn’t give me what I needed

I am a radar, tasting the bitter words that slipped off your tongue
I want to explore every inch of you
We all have regrets, but baby, you play the instrument best.
I am arm, to be extended, and I will be entwined with you.
Really I wouldn't mind if you walked away
As long as I get a chance to see all of
Inside and out

how many times can i fall in love with the idea
of a person
how many times will someone fall in love with
the idea of
me

Feels like my heart beating out of my chest
Thoughts of I’m going insane and dying.
Fears from reality
And not being able to breathe correctly

My head is full and racing and blank all at once
I really don’t know how to combat this.
I don’t know where to go to feel safe.
I don’t know what to do but wrap myself in a blanket
And be terrified that something is wrong
There’s something really wrong this time
There’s something really really wrong.
I can’t breathe and my chest hurts
My stomachs in knots and it feels like I’m going to pass out
Or die.
Where can I go? I don’t feel safe.
am I losing my mind? Am I losing the fabrics of reality?
Somethings really really wrong.
And I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if I love you or not,
Not even sure if I actually really like you.
What kind of difference have you brought?
The first time I saw you,
I was hatless and you had a hat.
But I skipped right over that moment
And never thought twice about you,
It took months, in fact, for me to completely notice you.
But now I’m here,

I don’t know if I like you or not,
But I’m almost sure I love you,
But as a friend.
Sometimes I think more than a friend,
But I just wanna kick it with you for a little while.
In not a friend way.

I don’t know if you like me or not,
But I just wanna hang out
For a very long time,
If that’s okay?

she keeps her head between my legs
And I scratch my nails across her back
she tells me I'm made of candy when we're like this
But all the time I'm a bitter drink that can't be stomached.
She says she'll **** me because I'm emotionally capable
its my treat for being an absolute head case.
Because when I walk through I am quiet
So quiet you almost don't notice your heart on the ground.

my teeth grind together and i gasp for air,
this air is not the one i'm used to,
it knocks on my skull and no one thinks to ask
am i down?
i taste the air and it doesn't remind me of home
but really i have no clue where i belong

i was a child of a broken home,
but my parents were never broken up.
i am a child of untreated mental illness and severe alcoholism,
mom & dad riddled with the fear of growing up,
still blaming their parents for how they turned out.
& i saw the cycle repeated when my siblings grew unsuccessful
"it's not me, it's how my roots were planted twisted,
the death of a sister at a young age really makes a family fall apart.
it's not me, it's how my father didn't care. i just wanted
to be approved of.
i just wanted to be cared for,
but i am the way i am because my mother taught me to
be intoxicated instead of face my problems."

my siblings live in fear of becoming like my parents,
but they never take charge to alter the cycle

I grew with abuse to my mind and body,
and all i can do now is
heal myself and run far away

i am no longer my past,
the place i come from will have nothing to do
with who i become.

my glass puzzle is coming together
I can't help but want to get it over
But this isn't something that can rushed
My hands are already bleeding from all this being forced

The pieces of the pieces have pieces
Oh no, I've still got a long way to go
we have to know the lesson life has to teach us
For now, I'm at a steady pace, and I'm trying not to let go

I woke up and reality stays by my side,
My new friend and I are determined
To break out of these obstacles
"Keep it real" they say.
Reality is the only friend I can trust anymore.

I don't want you to be like the rest
And I'm so scared.
i keep telling myself you, if I fall, you'll fall too
I keep telling myself that you won't be the one loving me when I feel nothing in return.
I keep saying it's gonna be alright
You're not using me while you're fiancée is too far away
Please don't act like you care.
I tell myself you won't cut me off and not speak to me ever again
Please don't be like the rest.

In 1809,
I was having a divine time
Until suddenly a tragedy
Brought on my worst travesty.

every year on this day,
children come to my home to play
they giggle but run away pale faced
as if they had just seen-

I’m excited for the entertainment
Why brood in disappointment?
And after so many October 31sts,
I’ve gathered a crowd of children who were cursed

We stay here now forever
And all scare the new ones together
If you come to play
You may die and stay

He deserved to go down,
But
I didn't know how.
In history books or on me?
Because
I swear I knew what I wanted
Him around me, next to me, above me, under me, in
I wanted his good days and his bad ones and the days he didn't feel a thing
But me
I wanted to hear his past and accept it
I  didn't care if we were smoking my least favorite smokes
Maybe he's the only one I needed those night I couldn't sleep
Because with him, those nights feel weightless
If he's all that I have, then he's all I'll ever need

I drop people like the bottles I used to throw in roads
The red lights last hours, and the green lights last seconds
Each day adds another number.
Feels like I'm wasting my days away driving through the streets
And they talk to me but I can't tell you about that.
I cant seem to stop thinking
There's homeless people out there with a job,
And what's wrong with the economy?
Minimum wage workers that finished college.

I told you, your super heroes don't always have to be involved with the dramatics of life and death
Sometimes
It's the small things.
Did you ever figure that out?
I hope you found the beauty where you used to see none.

claim to be open to things
claim to be accepting of difference
claim to be radiating of love and hope
and then show hate at this first chance you get

the type of people my father told me took up space and air
Is the exact people I grew to hang around.
They race in their cars and get in wrecks,
And to put it nicely, I've seen too many eyes  go          .                                  blank.
The things they said circles where they were going,
And that's a Friday night party because that's they life they live.
But now there's helicopters waiting at the church doors
Its midnight and everyone on the highway is awake.
Now there's ambulances
Now there's kids that'll probably never walk again, probably never breathe again.
All for what? An adrenaline rush?

I hope you never have to have tears roll down your face
While the walls close in
And there's a pain equal to a thousand tons your chest
And you don't even know why
Everything should be okay,
Because you're about to go on vacation, you finished high school, and you have money that you're about to move out with
Any normal person would feel like a million suns

But I don't

I am so so so **** lucky,
But I still can't sleep at night,
I have no energy and daytime haunts me.

I should be happy by now.

I'll be waiting years from now for that explanation
But I won't wait around in a standstill for it.
You'll depict me as crazy for trying to reach out,
Probably define me as toxic if anyone asks.

I am awful, I won't lie.
I've been so tired of the way people treat me lately.
I've been so tired of only getting by.

this is such a scatter.
And the way your mind works is to think
Everything's about you.
But you never reached out.
You never questioned
Or asked for an explanation.


Can't say that I'll lose sleep over this

i said it over and over again.
You're too innocent and you don't understand
I'm trying to be patient,
But everything is torn in half
You need to know how people work
When someone returns your things nicely,
Please don't throw their little bit of belongings in the middle of the road
You have friends struggling to find food,
But yet you keep eating all of theirs

You find places to complain in small spaces
Put put faux respect in empty minds.
You're doing it all wrong when someone can see right through.

my skin is the fabric the world unwinds
I have late night drives
I have early mornings just trying to survive
everyone now deserves to be diagnosed.
mothers cringe at therapist, at doctors, at the money
the jail time for stolen needles
to stitch the rips.

if you tell someone that they have no right to complain
eventually you won't hear it anymore
they lock it away and become scared to speak
in fear of their own selfishness devouring them
resulting in another hidden face.

people stop crying in front of others
people stop feeling in front of others

people stop feeling anything at all.

to all the fathers that loved their daughters
and hugged their sons close
to all the mothers that did their best
and provided the life they never had

there is a type of love that the world needs,
stitched in in the skins of your children.
maybe the world can just learn to
feel again.

My fingertips traced over hip bones
Around in circles right back to my own
I couldn't figure out why I kept coming back to me
each day spent in attempt to break yesterday's pattern left

The nights were spent running down brick roads
Climbing buildings with barbwire on ladders
And by 3 AM I was half naked in the kitchen, completely breathless.

For the past four years you've been on my mind everyday
"Can you believe how beautiful the stars look tonight?" He's so warm, his hands shake.
but this love is misplaced
I never needed you to fall in love,
I only needed myself

Mop head brown hair at a coffee shop,
He talks about his crazy girlfriend
But she has a reason for her trust issues.
He tells me I'll be the one that got away
He's here one moment and the next hes there

Barely made it back to earth.
I'm just here for the lies that leave his lips.
heavy cigarette smoke and holes in his forearm.
Im hoping this is all where it ends.

I believe the two types of people in this world are simple:
The people that despise the things I love.
The people that appreciate the way I do.
Oh my god I remember when I was in about 2nd grade.
It was a little funny, I guess.
That boy was a little ****, and I was around the crowd.
Got stuck on another boy for four years,
and never fell in love
a miracle for me

surrounded myself with people that still don't understand
And these days, I'll always have way more fun than them.

And I remember that year where I dated him
And he told my best friend to **** herself
So I spent hours trying to console her
How could I forget about the coffee house boy? already have
Singing songs while everyone prayed that we perform the softest sin
Wasn't supposed to happen. My breath reeked anyway,
I could taste it.

But before that, I felt deeply for a boy that paid too much attention to me
Wasn't his fault. I wanted to help him.
But I know where our place will always be, because the world is cruel.

and now I'm falling again, and I know I'm gonna hit rock bottom
soon.

I’ve got real friends that are willing to make me numb
Wonder if they would care if I was suddenly not here
Everything has been a trigger lately

condensation on my window
Talks to me. On a 12 hour drive.
It tells me to just. Let. Go.
I forget how I used to survive

happiness is buried beneath the dirt
but please stop. I'm already tired
From digging 20 yards into the earth.
Know I'm a mess, and know I tried.

You see. Each time I wash my hands,
each time I try to start new.
It's a revenge, gifted from the lands.
i began with my intentions true.

some nights i lose meaning to my heart beat.
like the days they remember I'm too insane
and over my effort they pave layers of concrete
i reset my goals. And I let go. And obtain.

I build a mountain.
And I reach up high.
I feel the spark inside my brain.
And happiness can't lie?

Can it?
I feel eyes again. As I fall.
Here we are again. I reset.

Aren't you tired of being this way?

my best friends
subtweet me
it's time to find
New best friends

****, if my mental illness isn't torture enough
then life keeps swinging her punches
i feel weak all the time.

how do i go anywhere
when i'm stuck
in the tide of the current
struggling in the deep end?
how do i go anywhere
when i'm addicted to
the pain the scratches at me
and drags me back in?

I can only finish
If I think about you
all the videos I used to watch,
Don’t make me feel the same way.
I’d rather think about going to your house
And feeling your fingers dance on my thighs
Until you’re practically tearing my clothes off  
Because now when I’m in bed with someone else
I close my eyes real tight and I can see the smug look on your face,
I see you grinning while I’m moaning, and you’re hitting every spot just right

It was short lived and that’s okay.
Maybe things are better off left that way.

I happen to jump at shadows,
My mind is filled with a guilty conscience
But I'm not sure why.
.I've been searching for answers late at night.
My eyes are closed and the lights are out
But there's thunder outside and the trees are falling down
I can't help but think that I'm the wind and lightning that caused this mess
.if you'll be my debris, I'll be your everything.
I lock the door and turn the lights off just so I can't see my own shadow.
i don't want to remember where I've been sometimes
I don't want to think about who i used to be.

I think it’s happened again
you see, there’s a guy
Who has feelings i’d normally condemn.
whenever I see him he’s always broken and high

He’s a guy who refuses to rise above  
But he’s manipulated me into believing he’s found his twin flame
And he pulls the trigger with precise aim,
but he’s already in love.

Don't let the moonlight sweep you off your feet
They'll claim it's a game, they'll say follow follow me
You're lost in your own intoxicated mind
and you're promising you're gonna be someone
                                      someday

maybe I shouldn't think like that.
I keep remembering that time
we sat in the grocery store parking lot reading fortune cards
I was just there to cheer you up,

And sometimes I regret not taking the chance we could've had
But it's like I need crazy, and I have to be with insane
And when you visited me at work for that last time
I never heard from you again
I don't know if I regret it or not.

I stayed attached to a boy who would
Watch the stars with me and would grip my thighs
And in the morning he'd hide me when the church van came

Maybe I shouldn't think like this.
Maybe I shouldn't be remembering how different things could have been.

force yourself to fall in love with me
and we could pretend that we are in love tonight.
just for tonight,
because when the sun hits the window sill,
and when you have to be gone again...
I'll be on my way.
I'll return the parts of you that completed me,
the dancing, the neck kissing, the days before....
and if we're lucky,
we'll never see each other again.

I'm sorry I'll never fall in love with you
But I can pretend so I make my mother happy
And I found a boy who's too innocent
He just wants to cuddle and he's never showered with someone else

I'm sorry I'm still searching for someone to test my limits
The floor can be a bed and that's what I need
But he hesitates and I can't take it

I don't want to fall in love
I can't fall in love
It's been over a year since I've actually cried

im searching for my sunshine on a planet where it only rains
Now, I need you to fall in love with me
It's nothing personal.
I need your sugar filled comments

Maybe you'll remind me to love myself
but I don't know what I'm doing
And I hope you'll forgive me
I can tear you apart, and I won't mean it
And you can pray to the god you don't believe in
That one day I'll be okay.

When it's quiet in a room full of people
The room can bring on complete silence
I feel as if minds are synchronized
Only for that second,
and then the path leads to the winding streets
of their imagination
and my eyes wander as I wonder
what could they be thinking of
that's so important so silence fills the room?
Maybe they're sad about a loss
because losing a special part happens so much
or filled with joy from the joke that was told
and then reminded of something great,
in which their sniffle of laughter broke the silence
Probably a whole world made up in their head
where there are no limitations and it's pure magic
Hopefully happiness
Sided with the reasons why it's good to be alive
Maybe even wondering what everyone else is thinking about
In such a silent room

If I don't take my sleeping pills
I stay up all night and you infest my thoughts
It feels like an obsession,
It's not even every night.
when I close my eyes I see your colors
Taking up my eyelids and I fall asleep
And in my dreams you're so much close,
And in your dreams you told me
We were closer than ever
I still want to know all the details

It feels like an obsession.
It feels like when I move,
I do it for you
And you'll move into me

Slow down,
I have to slow down

To answer your question,
I believe it would've worked
And I never got over it
I think you would be happier than you are now

Please keep me from thinking anymore.

such a quiet voice
with such significant words to say

he could be everything I need
but one of us is just too ******* weird
and it’s not him.
and when we speak,
i m too prone to acting like myself.
he loves it but I don’t.

strawberry. we're red, we're orange.
a mixture of a flame, but its nothing important
she breaks me open,
it's not anything for love
now she has all the fire.
And I am colorless

Simultaneously, it seems, everyone becomes more aware
I love it this way, but at the same time, I wish I could have
Kept to myself.

you make me feel like you're all that I need when you text me drunk at 4 AM
and during the day you play with my head,
Sober and able, and
Why did you start drinking so much?
Did you finally realize that you can't talk about my body without the liquor shots?
And you have excuses if your girlfriend asks you
And you can never make a decision

I want to feel your skin pressed against mine
in the worse way, drizzled in vain
Soaked in revenge,
Oh, baby, let me tear you apart
I'm crazy, crazy
unhealthy mindset.
let me teach you love in physical pain is all night,
let me abandon you when you love it
and I'll let your life be ruined
soaked in pain and regret.

She scatters in the mirrors that surround her. lights shine technicolor prisms on her skin that every single person tears a part differently. her candy apple colored lips wrap her teeth in joy, but he bares the vision of a monster with blood dripping from her mouth preying on her next victim. her voice is wrapped in cashmere as she sings only love to the ones she loves. he hears the voice of a siren, only leading everyone around her to the unassuming fate of a shipwreck. And her hands are filled with carnations of white, reds, and pinks. But he believes to see her true colors, behind the petals where he thinks he sees yellow and purple hues wrapped in her claws.

im a violent downpour
And the sound of my voice is a lure
I'll invite you in,
so I can mess with your mind,
Because I'm tired of what's on mine
I'm damaged and damaging all at once

I'll uproot your home
And your family will always ask what happened
in the debris, you'll search for an answer.

A melody will still play in the wind,
And the sounds that run around will stick in your head
You'll wonder how you ended up with no love in your heart.

You'll wonder for years if you're ever going to recover
It's not smart to stay outside in the middle of a hurricane.
But you'll stay forever because you think you love the chaos.

I have the soul of a fire
I have hands as cold as Antarctica’s air
I have my feet grounded
I have the wrath of the ocean

I am unstoppable

we spend a lot of time on twin size mattresses
our heads weigh unto the pillow,
and our thoughts are so heavy
we spend a lot of time breaking out of conventional ways

i hear you say you wanna be happy
but you rest your head on concrete floors
and my concerns are way too high
for someone who won't help them self

i wore myself out before sleeping in my car,
falling asleep not sure if i'd wake up
and praying i don't someday have to sell myself
just to make ends meet.

back then we were fighting to be self actualized
when we weren't sure where our next meal would come from
every day my brain battles me,
but i'm strong enough to someday win the war.

you spent too much time praying and not doing