-the remedy to this loneliness
Is the sad sound of your heartbeat
As the door creaks shut as you reminisce,
Remembering that you're parting!
Part ways with your second half
And wait and see how long that lasts
Before you're broken, beat up, crying on the floor
Begging time to take you away, you can't take anymore!
Because your screams in the shower can't fix a single thing!
No matter what you try to do this is the life you bring!
And you can't take back all the things that you've done!
The consequences will stay, they still weigh a ton!
And you miss just the words of the one who's still dear,
But the absence of voices makes you grow deeper in fear-

-until the sound of your doubting is all that you hear-

the trees sway back and forth
and the air grows thin,
the apple shakes a little more
as it's blown by the wind.
the basket lays now beneath
but as the storm slips in
the basket moves now from the tree,
the lights fade to dim.
the apple shakes a little more,
the darkness closes in.
the falling face now to the floor,
the darkness closes in,
the falling face now to the floor,
the darkness closes in.
-so tell me!
what did you mean when you said
you would be their to catch me when I fall!
was it a joke from the start,
was it serious at all-
the basket blows down the hill,
the tumbling apple follows too,
-it's sad to say when I'm closer to dead
I feel now I'm close to you.
It's sad to say when this is all in my head
I find I fell completely through!
you were made of yarn, never complete
how could I be what you choose!
no matter what I'd fall through your strings
there was nothing I could do-

Tomorrow
I love you
And I wish I
Could hold you
But tonight
Has me choked
In this noose on my neck-
Kick out
My new stool
From under
My two feet
For tomorrow
I'll meet you
And you can finally kiss me!

-don't be afraid
"the little voices simply speak in retrospect"
don't be afraid
"death is only just a dream, just too complex"
don't be afraid
"if I was honest I would tell you this is best"
don't be afraid
"go now before there's no time left"-

don't
let
the
devil
take
your
mind-
his nails are all long, and he'll dig them inside!
cast
him
out
before
you
rise-
he will try to **** your thoughts with his lies!
take
out
your
sword
and
cut
him
out
tonight-
tomorrow can't wait, we can't waist much time!
trust
that
the
light
will
hold
you
tight-
His shining grace is enough for me to stay alive!

we
carried
the
weight
for
so
long.
drying
up
our
tears.
carrying
­each
other,
we
traveled
throughout
the
years.
i
look
back
in
sorr­ow,
watching
sorrow's
grip-
but
the
best
part
about
growing
older­
is
leaving
all
of
this-
so
let's
leave
all
the
past
behind,
even­
though
the
past
is
missed-
let's
take
new
hearts
and
share
them
­proudly,
let
us
never
now
forget!
-the
greatest
hope
we
have
foun­d,
leaves
now
inside
our
chest!
with
open
arms
to
other
cries,
we­
give
them
this
precious
gift.

We all want to be
We all want to be
We all want to be
-long, -lieve, -something that we can’t possibly
Be.
The heart will burn
The heart will burn
The heart will burn
-up, -others, -until we finally start to learn-
We burn.

When we will all
Look further than
We’ve gone before,
We’ve ever been!
You see the blood
Stained on the hands,
The reward for
The self demands!
We all want
To consult
With reflections
That push and pull
Deep beneath
The chest and skull!
Shedding light
On the empty soul-

You
Are
Un-
Sure
Who
You
Want
To
Be-
So
You
Cre-
Ate
World­s
Where
You’ll
Be
Free-
Hide
The
Shame
That
You
Hope
Will
Leave-
Be-
Fore
Your
Hap
Pi
Ness
Won’t
Make
You
Ha-
Ppy-

So try all you might to upheave the grass to find the buried tomb-
The empty grave will find its way to carry you in too-

We all
We all
We all
-search for who we really are;
-hope that we’ll be happy
-fall short in such a trivial pursuit, and end up wanting to leave so badly!
-cut our arms and hearts and souls to ease the pain we’re having!
-hold on to what we call concrete, while it’s grasp is clearly detaching!

keep the doors shut,
keep them closed.
when the wind blows, don’t let them open,
don’t let the doors go.
the knocking sound calls you to open up,
but don’t let careless emotions show!
keep the doors shut!
no matter how many knocks you hear below!

keep the doors shut,
keep them closed.
when voices start to grumble inside,
it’s tempting to let world know.
feeling like a hero?
maybe like that open gate’s a grove,
where people will be safe inside,
where people will find a home!
get rid of all your lies!
your words could never bring them hope!
keep the doors shut!
for they will always choose that rugged road!

-keep the doors shut
because opening them
only lets the darkness in
every time your try to show the light-

-keep the doors shut
because mosquitoes make their hives
right outside the walkway light
and come inside in expert time,
enough to **** your blood-

-keep the doors shut,
for being a symbol is a wanton game,
a desire to be held the same,
praised and pulled in every way!
don’t you love the spotlight gaze!
and the feeling of a voice heard in a moments daze!
your words plastered on some expensive page!
it’s good enough for a pleasant date,
but turns your heart into a bad omen-

i thought that growing up
i would look back on all that i've seen
and see you standing right next to me-
yet
to my dismay
i am again standing in the gap-
trapped
inside.

i thought that growing up
we'd be closer than before
closer than closed doors-
yet i slam
that door shut
every day-
and i beg you
to go
away.

who am i today
who am i today
who is i  going to be
and where will that lead i?
will i be another symphony
is i just another expressed belief?
what does i believe-

oh i
what do you see and why
do you see oh i
the way you do
and why
do i oh i
still follow
you-

if i isnt me
than is me just another empty space
that i left behind
in the aftermath of
finding out who i is?
-me is just an empty lot
waiting for i to reattach to the host
-empty walls now make me i's empty ghost.

i isn't who i should be
not me
not me
not me's position to be choosing personality-
than who is the rhymer and the writer!
the pen and ink!
who are the author and who are the book!
who are they!
who are the shadows that haunt my mind!
who are the shadows of glory divine-

who are the devine
and they still make me question why
but i'm still learning tonight
and maybe tomorrow will be my last fight
with that angel underneath heaven's ladder
and i will finally get the rest i need
for it's tiring
fighting with angels
knowing that you can't win
but knowing they won't let you lose-
for i truly want to lose for once
and figure out that death isn't worth it-
and figure out that i had a greater purpose.

if I set myself on fire
drench myself in gasoline
will it melt through my skin
and **** the cells with thoughts and schemes-

-for the longest time
I'd illuminate my words
hope for the best
and let the cauldron stir!
I hope
that
the witchcraft
crafts
a new heart's
bath
in blood and
wrath!
my dream was
to create a song
dark enough to let
my thoughts sink in!
black enough to make
my white skin gone!
thick enough to choke
my throat till it splits!
**** down the blood from the slits!
call out to death for his kiss!

If I set myself on fire!
Will that be the end!
Will I be purified!
No longer play pretend!

-i never wanted to watch the swing set
set its chains down to rest
turn my eyes to hollow forecasts
and let my past take final breaths-

you are not alone-
the shadows ever stirred
the angels on the walls
the anger all unheard!
you are not alone-
the monsters in the dark
the heavens in their tears
the callous of the heart!
you are not alone!
the teeth grind in the sleep
the bathroom groans in pain
the dripping from the sink!
you are not alone!
the times down on your knees
the rashes on your elbows
the prayers prayed for weeks!
you are not alone!
the knocked-down-black-eyed breaths
the arms now pushing up
the taking of the final steps-

you are not alone-
for though you are on  fire
drowning in the ocean
the breath will not expire
though the water should
it wont end the flames
deep inside the heart
is where the war is raged.
don't let those hands down
box until your dead!
turn not now until the grave is cracked
against the match with father death!

we see life through eyes shoved deep in a clothes dresser
-dressed in one style, one choice, one black or white sweater
we are the oppressed or the oppressor
we either question or we answer
we either are racist or we are racist-
it doesn't matter within which color you exist
at one point or another you are the blunt of every man's expense
the traitor or the one with the knife in your back-
turn around and your friends are nowhere fast-
build up a blind eye and you missed the opportunity to chose a side
and now your an inactivist- a pacifist
someone who's breath is saved is not valid, this
life style leaves us bent between broken lips
and bad lies heard from different separatists
bent on making a society divided on who's right and who's wrong, what's the matter with this!
battle each other with harsh words and confrontational jargon fits!
spit on each other, barely walk away and shake our fists!
is there not enough wisdom for us to understand
that we are merely just imperfect man-
must we argue over who is the most persecuted, most bruised!
we-
who live in a country with the most benefits for you to choose!
we-
the ones who live in an electrical utopia and a house too!
we-
the ones who barely have to question anything, we just receive and we roost-

selfish enough to carry broken glass mirrors on our masks
and stare forever into our forever broken collapse-

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
like
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
pluck!
out!
my!
eyes!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.

when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-******* dreams
******* dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
******* dreams
******* dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.


-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, ***!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, ***!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a ***** word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid *****" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-

put an empty hand under water
and watch it waste away, watch it squander-
let it stay and stay the same, let it ponder
and never do a single thing, never wander-
look at the sink as it drips
never drink never sip,
just stare as the the wooden floors
turn to mold and corrode under sudden force-
turn your eyes away
don't you even look
although we want to stay
we know the time that it took
to be a ghost in the day
but then at night we're a rook
i used to beg to go play
but now my life i forsook-

pinch yourself because the blood wont swell
up high enough for you to smell
that armpit sweat from being too nervous to tell
the truth sometimes, so we hide in our shell
from the growing guilt making it hard to not yell
- but swallow it down, ignore the burdens you felt-


the meadows are nonexistent in southern Florida,
when will i see more than dried up sand-
the forests have washed away into suburbia,
when will i feel green moss in my hands-
when all i know is gone
i know i don't have to beg
- you will twirl your hair like those twirling leaves-
when all i know is gone
i know i can rest my head
- i will keep you here, safe inside my memories-

-when i wake up from my dreams,
i will forget we met.
but if i remember a single thing,
there wouldn't be a second to correct-

Blow a dart through the eye of a needle
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal
Position used to permission the perspiration of children
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-
Intermission-
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-
Cat's pleasure walk-
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-
Half a toe dream-
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession
With questions about lessons learned by sections
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!
Skin peeling regression!
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!
Have you watched your mind battle
The thoughts of many cattle
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!
Watch them rattle-
Shattered glass got caught in the brains back
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-
Gunshot whiplash-
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-
What a world we created-
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies ******* down bottles lost in
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak  in closets!
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!

every time i wake up, i stare at the floor boards
waiting in silence until my thoughts **** me slowly
i take the stake, shove it through my brain
stop and think how much the devil has shown me
late at night, terror fright, taking flight, fighting might
shifting eye, little lie, guess i'll make this my plight!

demonic devil, do you use the deadly treadle
tapping toes too, to blue jam with your dreaded treble!
scratching claws now on chalk board black tops with your kettle!
shifting serpent spitting death you are black rose pedals!
kiss me quickly with bliss, i know the taste will settle!
watch my eyes close under sunlight, too late to level-

so, i let your poison seep deep into my concrete, abstract, and spirituality
hoping that the hoax has only one hold on my hellish individuality,
and that one omen of open obliteration making available my obliquity
stops before the second-strike sinks in my skin and makes me sing my dead man soliloquy-
how hopeful!
how hopeful to think that one mess is enough to get me by from the rest,
that enough is enough for me when i mess up,
and i will always be going good, going right, not running left.
sadly
i get mistaken by my madness for a smile and a pasture behind the veil that’s masked it!
while the laughter in my catacomb cerebellum crystallizes my coffin with convoluted clasps and cocoons me in my casket!
swallow the final wishes to walk away without wondering what would have went down without wanting to ask this
last question to push you powerfully over the edge without paying attention to the proper time, not seeing it’s all plastic!
because we’ve passed the only moment to turn our backs without the consequences of living in our bloodied baskets!
we kissed the serpent’s lips and ****** the spit off his silky-smooth tongue, mixing salt with fresh, leaving everything brackish!
cut off the arms and tongue before the venom attaches,
but still i swallow it whole and expect to outlast it-

When the candle light goes,
The wind sings it's song,
And the bright sky knows
That the fire still belongs.
The wax drips down
The fresh cleaned table,
For when the fire burns out
It leaves the wax unstable.
Dripping
On the
Floor boards.
Dripping
Off the
Holder.
I thought
My wax could
Stay stable.
But as my
Fire burns bright,
I know that when it goes, I'll find myself unable
To see
That last bit of wax falling from me.

There goes my memories!
Was it chance that I forgot my name!
Who is this person
We look quite the same!
Where did my body go!
Where did I leave my face!
I left it here long ago!
I left it deep inside my grave.

For the wind blows on
And I will forget who I was.
For the wind blows on
And the past keeps turning to dust.

Oh clouds I'm calling you down
To bring the rain one more time
So I remember my pain.
You once were all I had,
The empty stomach, the aching eyes,
You were all of my days.
I want to go back
Before I knew you were real
Before I felt this way!
You know who I used to be!
A happy child, a happy me!
I wish you never came!
Oh I wish that I left you slain!

Oh I wish that the demons
Never crept inside!
Oh I wish that the darkness
Never made my lie!
But the more I remember
The more I realize!
That I made me this way!
I chose how to die.

i like to think of those rides back home
from the beach, the sand still stuck to my legs,
my hair stiff with ocean perfume,
the salt sting fresh under my nose-
the long drives make me listen to emery,
the songs about divorce and failure,
how love is never true, the sound of a fading
dream
like ocean mist
in the shot sun
alone
with wet feet.

My God,
this was supposed to be simple-
if you told me that days would grow cold
like the sound of her voice
then i don't know if it'd be a choice
to live or die, to stay are drown
in the sea like my dreams, silent sounds.
i wonder, if the clouds are as soft as they seem,
what would it be to fall through, to watch me bleed-
stop to breath-

i try my hardest to make sense of the meaningless emptiness!
the scratch-crawl for time's new best!
**** me
and you'll watch the sun rise,
even though i lived a good life.
the sun rises and falls
even on the days we die.
for this new lie-
for this new life
lies to us that it will be alright
that we will find it all inside
just like we make our right,
the wrongs in us just dissipate
like the lungs we let deflate-
still breathing
still breathing
still breathing!
like the air never stops circling the ocean
deceiving!
deceiving!
like the lies we tell our kids at night
they're all believing!
believing!

go and tell it to the mountains
that what you found is the next cure to cancer!
go and share you love
like what you found is the next answer!
for history repeats itself-
we know it all too well-
history repeats itself,
so like the wind that blows away
i'll watch you fall flat on your face!
as if the ocean never saw you coming!
never saw you running!
like the world was fooled by your crafty ways!
your despiteful gaze!
watching the world, watching you drift down summer lakes-
the eyes still fixed in place-

go and tell your stories
like you wrote the first one of all-
we will watch with pen in hand
waiting for the ink to bleed and fall-
go and pretend like you know
but you know that you don't
and you say that your sure, but we know what your wrote
and you can tell me your stories, but I know that they're lies-
you wrote them on paper but it blend through the sides-








just go-
just go-
like time did
before you hand a chance to change your road-
just go-
just go-
before you look back
and remember why you always felt so alone-
just go-
just go-
the wind waits for you
God will bring us all home-

Eleven o'clock in the afternoon today,
Yet my eyes find it hard to keep themselves awake,
While my breath struggles to breathe well, to inhale fate,
And my body tends to eat food that starts to oxidate!
And my mind
is still stuck in between it's broken place
While the broken are breaking bones just to give themselves a break!
And I
try to hide my poems from this world, it's timeless fate,
And sit by
while my generation has the largest growing suicide rate!
But my
friends are pushing closer to the end of that date,
While my
family does it's best to help people find grace!
Why would I
who has all this talent try to stow it away,
When I
could use it to save lives, maybe find someone to save!
Someone open my eyes, let them be open wide!
For these past years I've let go on by
While I sit back down and watch them die!
For every day rises a new sun, a purposeful light
And my days were made for more, not just a singular life!
But the rhyme in my poems keeps me tangled inside
Like my words are solution, but the coffin surprise
Is waiting there for me like I can't tell you why
The pages recede and the shoreline declines
While the shadow in secret awaits me at 9!
My words bring my death and the end of my time!
The promise I wrote you was written in white
So I can say I can't see it, I can say that I'm blind
But the fact that we're dancing has it's own facts implied
That I promised you this, but I left you to die!

Forgive me-
These words were meant to make you whole
But it left you a hole in your side-
Believe me-
These lies were meant to make you know
That I would not tell you goodbye-
Deceive me-
Like I deceived you so intricately
Like the ending was designed by me!
Like I'm the mastermind behind the scheme!
I'm the demon of minds, I'm the things that I speak!

Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
Savor the time you've spent,
Savor the succulence,
For you will find yourself looking back
Wondering why, bottled up in regret.

For the grass fields lying beyond those gates
Take me back home, take me back to the day
Where I first let my eyes stare at you in open gaze,
The moment still fresh in my mind, still open state.
I will not be able to find a friend that I could love
Until the end
Until death brings us home-
For you are the one I chose to hold in all hope.
You are the one that I would walk with forever
Until the grass dries up and we can no longer find a place for our feet.
I want to name a child with you,
I can't share that with anyone else!
For no one in this world could take that place but you,
As I hold your hand and smile at our daughter together.
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you too.

Leaning over the counter
With her light-skinned hands holding her face
From colliding with the cold metal,
She stares blankly at the white walls
Splattered with drippings from the ham,
And the tuna shavings that never made it into the bowl.

She stares blankly
While the heavy purple circles around her eyes
Weigh deeper into her ****** structure,
Like dark fences around the gateway to her soul.
She doesn’t blink

For when she closes her eyes
She can’t help but daydream-
Daddy singing Amber Jean to her
Before he gets wrapped up
And stuffed away in a tight box-
Her boyfriend holding her close
As the ******* is lifted to his nostrils
Before his fists,
Like surprise kisses,
Imprint their love upon the back of her skull-

The doctor’s hands
As he opens the garbage can and dumps the ovaries
Containing the cancer that caused her to believe she’s pregnant –
Something that she can dream of no more.

Tilting her head,
She breathes out for a long time,
Her eyes fixed in place,
And blinks.

don't understand
words, consequences
for
the everything we are
searching
something
than ourselves
something
than we know

Because when my mind finds the time
to sit back and stare blankly at white paper,
I can never find the right opening words,
something about the ocean
or the sunsets
or the cool breeze occasionally blowing in the summer,
that would be able to fully express
the way my eyes tear up
at the vapor like thought
of being able to sit here on the couch
and watch you smile for one more second.

I reach my hands to touch you
in the worst parts
that you want
but i dont
but you do
but we dont
but we do-
the silence creeping in
just enough to rip my hands
onto you
and onto where you want them to,
heavy hands
heavy breaths
in and out,
tongue twisted between lips
and bad lies,
heart brokenness underneath blankets
and blankets of desire
piled on top of hormonic lusts-

I say that i'm sorry

i'm sorry that i don't love you enough to mean
i'm sorry
and to take away the heaviness
weighing down upon my lips
as they quiver and shake
because i regret getting in the car in the first place.

buried on a monday next to old man Jenkins
a hot summers day
stillness
course grass
the rough hands of strangers
the sound of wood hitting dirt

         the shuffle of tired feet

the soft patters of rain
the distant voice of the city


the unforgettable silence

The lights on inside the house-
The sound of laughter
Chatter
Stories;
Smells of joy
Firewood
Pine
Memories-

the eyes watching the doorway
            -SHUT-
   in awe of a life wished upon

one summer day

This world is like a cigarette-
The peak of it's existence
Burning bright to moon dead eyes,
Crumbling in after a swift breath.

Lets cover it up with cliches,
Dodge the answers before they stay
And melt the lonely ice away
To reach our empty heart, embraced.
The touch of the skin
Is something we never got to experience with.
The smile of love
Was something that we never could think of
Because the world span too fast
Because the world span too fast
Before we could make this last
One more second, one more laugh!
One more little lie to me,
Please, the truth will only make this lonely heart bleed.



Bottle this up in cliche moments,
I knew the winter could never show its
Snow to others in fear of giving
Up too much to the sun who's begging
Her to give her one more smile
And dance in his arms while she dials
The spring's phone number for him to come
Over and pull her closer to the numb
And dead feeling of
Being in love
Being in love!

Oh winter!
You never!
Knew the answer!
You lips!
Put a damper!
On the transfer!
Oh your kisses would've been so sweet!
If you let the ice melt outside of your cheeks!

Flower, flower, I worshiped you
Before you were eaten up by caterpillars.
I remember smelling your perfume
As the wind carried it through the blades of grass
-I'd've  done anything to see you last-
May your memories rest in peace
-If only I'd've let you rest with me!-

-Take me back to my dreams!
To the days when I was young and naive!
To the days when I wasn't so deceived!
So intrigued!
So incomplete!
So intricately marked for defeat
By my hands and  my one disease.
You were supposed to stay close to me-
You were supposed to stay close to me-
You were supposed to stay close to me-
And I let you slip away!
I let you slip right through my heart's dying beats-

My dear friends,
The shadows still creep at your doorstep
And the past still comes back to haunt you.
When our memories hit our senses
We find it hard to stand at the remembrance of our pain!
Of the drive to our blood-flow
Dripping from our mouths and our fingertips!
It will never be easy
It will never be easy!
It will never be easier to look back at our past
And throw our heads back in the wind as we smile and laugh!
It will never be easy!
It will never not be hard to look at the scars on our hearts
And say that it was okay, or that it was easy to get this far...
Oh but I can!
I can look back on all the mistakes I made
And see the never ending love of grace
That covers me when I start to shake!
And drives me to never give up on faith.
And that love is for me and you.
There is someone who created this world, who is madly in love with you too!
And we can try and bottle him in a cliche statement and in Sunday mornings!
But when your blood flows back into your wounds and the skin is no longer broken
You can tell that there is more to this God we hate, than the lies of those who claim they're chosen.
-Don't believe the lies my friends.
Don't believe the lies!
There are many who say they know his name, but not many who've seen his eyes!
The shadow is hard to see and gets darker every night!
But the sun will shine on us each day, and I promise that we'll see the light-

It's been too long since I heard that sound of your sails blowing in the breeze.
We were once a friendly band of brothers, but now I'm just lonely company.
Lonely stifling-
Steady lonely drifts down memory lane
As I try and recall how it felt before the rain,
Before you and I became a lullaby
That I have to sing to close my eyes-
Before death and life were no surprise,
Before I felt the hope inside me die-

Before the storm came passing by
I used to fall in love.
I used to sing with all my heart and dance before the burning sun!
I used to watch the waves go by, as I loved my company of two!
But after dark I close my eyes; I doubt that I'll ever see you.

I doubt that somewhere there might be another sunlight,
Another star sight!
Another love's type!
Another blue sky!
Another bird's cry!
Another new life-
Another memory left for you and I-

-No,
I can't imagine what it'd be like
To hold your hand, to hold it tight-
Shut my eyes, shut my eyes,
Before I start to realize
That nothing can ever be right!
-I want to imagine you again!
Another memory to share with a wonderful friend!
Another dream to be told, another lifetime to spend-
I would give it my all!
-I would do it again-

If it meant I'd see you up ahead

Somebody talks to the wind
And chases it as if it will give in.
Somebody runs through the trees
As if somewhere along the lines
He could escape this life;
All hope to escape his lies.
Somebody keeps a secret and tucks it away,
Somebody puts it in a white box and covers it in clichés.
Somebody writes a letter and pens it with black ink
As if his markings start to sink
And hide his hidden mask he sees!
Oh what a temptation to take a peek;
To open the letter before it's time to read;
To run through the grass before the time of spring;
To drink all the wine and have nothing to eat;
To take the best times and leave none left for dreams;
To spend all the days wishing to have another;
To count down the time
Until
The
Very
Last
Number.

-In the end it wont matter whether we ever made it,
Whether the grass was greener or stayed forsaken.
In the end it wont matter what we stole and we got,
We will disappear into the earth, and we will be forgot.
The only thing that matters is when I go and transcend
That my love for you was constant; it was until the end,
For what a tragedy
For me to breathe
Without giving you my breath-

I remember the days when I knew
Or I thought I did everything I could do
To make this something that involved me and you
But my worst thoughts were the ones that got through
And broken glass has been all that lies in my center view.
I remember when
I was a kid and nobody ever questioned a single thing that I did
Now I'm the only kid
That stares hard at my hands and ***** the joy out of the life I live.
I was a care free heart devoted to the only Son
That shines bright, the only holy one,
But that was some time ago.
Nowadays I am captured by my fear, and driven by making time slow.
Oh God,
You can take the decisions I've made, all the days all the nights,
If it means that I have my heart back and can once more see the light,
Because I'm tired of being so lost in my own past
And all the things I wish I had.
I spend all my days just wishing
That I had a day where I'd stop giving away all I've given,
But I don't care if life is something that keeps me driven,
As long as I can remember that you're alive, you're risen.
Tell my friends I love them
And embrace them harder than I would've,
Keep my heart close to yours,
And help me find my way back to you
And to those sunsets I fell in love with in Africa,
Like the moon.
Like the dust blowing in the distant breeze.
Like the rain pattering down and flowing out in my streets.
Let me fall in love with you all over again,
Because those were my most joyful moments.

Your creation burst from my mango
And drips from my lips unto my shirt
As I indulge in your sweet tasting world.
You drip from the tree leaves after the storm
And glisten in the lake outside of my house
Reflecting the sun's might off the soft ripples.
I am captivated in this moment
Where creation stands still
And I find myself at the center of your world
Even when I do not have you at the center of mine
-Oh what a God to be a son to
And to be adored by,
One who never stops showing off his great love
Even when we stop showing off ours.
What a lucky moment
To be hit by the cool breeze in the summer sun
With juice dripping off your face
While you smile at the ripples that distort your reflection.

A little taste of heaven
Not to be wasted-

Here we go
Another testament of what we already know
Just for show
So that the unbelievers will be put back in the quiet zone.
That's what is right?
That's what's in his write?
And to put people in their place is something that is his right?
And here he is pointing his little fingers at the other man,
The same fingers that pick his boogers on the same pointers on the other hand.
And he wants all those around him to understand?
When he cant stand
While his temper rises and nostrils flare as his eyes expand.
Tell me this, tell me this,
When did the solution to the polluted arguments turn to breaking wrists
Over the back and forth action of battling opposites
Who wait for their friends to chime in and throw them some compliments.
"It's only common sense."
"It's only civil defense."
"I'm trying to prove that everyone's wrong and I'm the one in perfect tense."
Sadly
We all gladly
Trade our thoughts for emotion and want to get rid of truth so badly.
We turn to insanity and sadly we're in love so madly.
I don't throw shade but I stay under my shady tree.
Pass me the plate of fries but don't you dare give salt to me.
You see I'm free,
I don't need some validation from my anger to give me Identity.
So finish up your childish games,
It's time for dessert, but your still stuck on your tiny screen.

I prayed to God for the rain
But when the clouds turned black, I pointed my finger at his face.
How dare he bring all this change,
What about the summer sun, all the summer waves?
How dare he tell me I can't be the same..
I guess somewhere between my words, I got lost along the way.

To you who grew up and forgot about what it means to live,
To you who grew up and gave life all you had to give.
I'm there with you,
I'm there with you,
When you go I'll miss you,
I hope somehow you see some hope!
Because I've been here in my rocking boat
For too long!
The waves go on and on and on and on and on!
And once you have nothing left!
And you've taken your final breath!
People will tell you that you didn't do enough for them!
So to you who are completely dry!
And you're feeling dead inside!
Remember that when we go home
We will find some rest.

To you who see life like me
And visit death frequently,
Tell him I said hello
It's been a little while since I visited my old friend!

Oh death your trickery
Has never been so sly!
Oh death your blood ******* seas
Have never been so wide!
Is it my time now!
Is it my time to go!
What's the deal, I thought we were friends,
But I guess your lust finally found my soul!
Was it too sweet to resist, you devil!
Was it too luscious for you to settle!
Does all hell know of my good taste and seek to thrive off my flesh!
Has my soul become so wicked that you'd toast to the sound of my death!
Oh death!
Have I become your friend to the point of serving you well!
Has my heart been married to heaven, but sleeping around in hell!

To you, death, the one who's been causing me to fear,
I will find my rest, and I will run my way out of here.
And even if you have my heart,
I will tear of your head and pull your skin apart.
I will enjoy the day when your eyeballs roll down your floor
And I stand there as the blood flows out the open door.
In the end your pieces will be ripped and torn
And the one who sits on bones will be devoured and thought of no more.

After all the years, you'd think I'd forget,
But my nightmares keep coming back, they won't relent.
I still remember all my worst memories
And sad as it is they will still be apart of me,
Because late in the night
When lay down to sleep
I can't stop my mind
From thinking of what life would be
If everything stayed the way I wanted it
And left me alive
But the worst part of life is that
Even when you grow old die
That you can never go back.

What I would give for second chances,
What I would give to get my moments again.
I'd tell my family that I'd miss them when we're no more.
I guess I just wish we had more time than before...












I still can hear the thoughts playing on my cassette tapes,
They're all broken records, all stuck on replay,
I thought I escaped,
I thought I escaped,
I thought I escaped!
But my heart is a hard thing to replace!
So I sit here still dreaming
Of what a family still is!
But my investigations show that it doesn't exist...













-I wear a lot of faces, I wear a lot of things,
But the one that I forget belongs to me!
These pencils don't do justice to the thoughts in my seas!

At times I'm as high as high can get,
I'll let you know, so don't forget.
I'm lost in the city of my mindset
And somewhere between life and death.
I tell you all I can tell
But when the opportunity comes I know that I'll sell
And get rid of the words that I spell
Until I empty me out of myself
Until my brain starts to swell,
Oh I know this all too well.

I can't remember when my hat wasn't full
My head's so big it should have it's own capitol,
And can't remember when I wasn't incalculable,
Having no care was something so masterful,
-And disaster-full -
I wish I was a kid sitting down to play blaster ball,
Because on days when I sit and think
I think that thinking only brings me closer to the brink
And I sink into the very thought of starting to sink
And I drown myself into thoughts even well into sleep!

I was a kid way well into life cycles
Too bad I left it alone with my bicycles,
Because I'm driving around like I'm driving without a head
And the only way time stops is if I'm lying dead.
Oh I know time too well,
Oh ask him a secret, I know that he won't tell,
Oh I'm sick of selling out at the sound of the doorbell
But time has me chasing it's tail like it's a jail cell.
Someone save me from time and it's cartel,
Before I end up like those who couldn't tell when the floor fell.
I know time too well,
I know time too well,
I know time too well,
I know this cycle of time in a nut shell,
Someone get me out of this cycling stairwell.

I hate the mask I wear
Behind my paper lines,
I hate the mask I wear
And all my un-rhymed rhymes.
I hate the fact that I'm some ghost
Who bleeds black ink onto my white host!
I hate the fact that I harbor my words
To the ships out at sea that all go unheard!
I hate the fact that I am a mess
And all I have left are these words of distress!

I hate that I try to make my self depressed
In order to write a poem that will truly impress!
I hate that I have to sit here everyday
Trying to write my problems away
Only to find
That behind the smeared lines
That I still am battling with my old demons!
That I still am battling with doubt!
Oh I hardly take time to care about the seasons
I just care about the problems I have going on now.

-And even at my best I'm just someone who can't write
And all my poems are a mask for my bloodiest fights
But tonight
I hope someone turns on the lights
And finds my dead corpse rotting off to the side,
I hope that for once it will all be fine
And my heart will stop beating before I start losing my mind-

I don't want to die,
But the moon still calls my name.
I think I'll visit.

So I swallow fast!
Until the last lump goes down
And my throat closes!

My eyes shake sideways!
And my arms feel cold again-
This is how and when

This is how and when
It all comes crumbling to the
Ever expected

And overly dull,
Commonly thought out, and the
Quiet, calm, silence.

The ever repeat
Of my tragic tragedy:
My heart wrenching end.






Dear trees who hold me,
I will always miss your songs.
I will miss singing

To the soft echoes
Bouncing through your dark branches.
I won't forget you-

Don't you forget me-
I will never remember
Something like your voice.

I wait for the sunset
To darken the Ally,
As I stare at you down the way.

I stand without motion
And so do you,
And so do you!
We stare as the sun goes by
And the clouds clean up the mess.

After the breeze blows
It carries away the stench!
And I don't have to worry
About the maggots from your head!

After the breeze blows
I walk back to my car!
The bullets
In your chest
Are still screaming,
Still screaming!
My gun still whispering,
"Just walk away."

After the breeze blows
The dirt covers up your skin,
And the name that once stood tall
Is now in his grave.

This road used to be my worst memory-
The remembrance of snow angles and frozen finger tips-
And my heart beats
To the rhythm of that song I hate.

The pavement slips beneath
The tires in the car we drive.
My head tried it's best to sing,
But I'm still distracted by the street lights.

The dusk shadows low
As the mountains reach out to accept the looming clouds.
And I like to think
That somewhere past the skyline
There's a home waiting for me.

I daydream of the stories I'll never write
And I night-dream of ones I never wrote,
And I'll never have enough of my thoughts complete
To complete these thoughts still haunting me.

The roads still scare me-
I am reminded that my future is never certain-
I am afraid of watching those white lines pass right by my windows
And right out of my life
Without letting me say goodbye.

- So let me say goodbye to those memories
So that my tires can rotate a bit more-

I thought for once I'd keep my closet shut,
But those skeletons seep through the cracks.
I thought for once I'd hide my eyes from your blood,
But I watch you spill into the sink,
I watch you as you spill out so fast!
I told myself I'm not afraid,
But I'm not sure if you will last!
Yesterday I was afraid of coming back!
I never thought I'd face my past!

-But I sit here and wonder the same thing, over and over-

Watching is the hardest part
Of loving someone with all your heart!
So I watch you bleed out on my floor,
And I close my eyes, and I shut your door!
I never wanted you to bleed, but I love you too much to say
That I never really wanted to watch you die this way!
I thought I'd leave you in December's curse,
But you've followed me and you drive my hearse.

The saddest part of the day is watching those doors close-
The saddest part of the day is watching your doors close!
Just before your eyes begin to roll
And you shake and bang your skull
I look into your eyes
And I pray that one day you'll be alright!
My sister I hope that when I get home
You'll be just fine-

Tomorrow
I'll
Wake
Up
And
Find
You
Dead.

Is there anyway,
Is there anyway
That I'll see you when I get back home?

Is there anyway,
Is there anyway
To go back before we drifted away,
Before we left on our own?

Because on Sundays
When the sun's rays hit my face,
I see you
And I see who we used to be.
And I see that we should've never had to have to had to have to had to have to leave.

And I'm stuck thinking,
Was it really fare!
Was it really worth living in the end.
I'm stuck wondering,
Was it really fare!
Am I better of giving up before someone leave's again,
I swear...
It hasn't been as hard as watching my sister go through so much pain,
Way too much too bare...
I wish I gave up before I watched my eyes go through the same,
Leaving my heart bare!
Was it really fare!
Was it really worth all the trouble and all the care!
Was it really fare!
How can we live in a world that keeps us snared...


Tomorrow
I'll
Wake
Up
And
Watch
The
Sun
Rise
Again.
I
Don't
Know
Why
But
I'll
Remember
This
Is
Not
The
End.

Out beyond those clouds,
I hear you,
I hear you calling out.
Somewhere past those doubts
I feel you,
I feel your love falling down.
Even when the tempest stirs,
And even when the thunders call me home!
I won't give up!
You never left me alone!

The sound,
The hour,
The bells,
The taste of blood,
The fingers,
The black,
The hands,
The dead.
The toll,
The head,
The soul,
The bled,
The heart,
The skin,
The dark,
The dim.
The time,
The day,
The chime,
The way,
The eyes,
The fate,
The life,
The state.
The mind, the bones, the flesh, the man,
The signs, the homes, the wretch, the hands!
The bells, the bells, the creaking steps of two feet!
The ring, the ring, the point where the knife and skin meet!
The dead, the end, the red, the street.
The two eyes that no lies or life will ever meet.

It's the words I need to say,
The ones that my tongue can taste,
That keep me awake,
That keep my head from taking it's place.
What happened to the time I had to spend?
Was it never meant to have been?
I can never tell just when
It all falls.

What happened to that song I said I'd write
About how the kids are still my life
And how I'm still a kid in this heart of mine?
Was it just all make believe
Or do I really mean
All the words I leave
Behind.

My walls are painted white to hide my stains,
And to hide the fact that my name
Is still the only one left to blame.
My mind is locked in chain, I made them strong.
Were my dreams just too long?
Was I just all wrong?

These fragile thoughts all start to break
And sadly my own words are the only advice I take.
The ripples in the water have now become waves
And they're the ghosts that haunt my halls nowadays.

Sometimes I dream of yesterday,
And I wish I had it back!
Oh, I wish that it would stay!
Sometimes I dream of what I'd say
If I could do it all again!
Oh, time always has it's way these days!
And when I see you in my picture frame,
I wonder what made us all float away-

Do you dream of me?
Because I dream of you.
And sadly my own dreams
Are the ones that leave me bruised.
Do you sing of me?
Because I sing of you!
All these memories of us together
Are the ones that I never want to lose!

So just leave me be
Because I'd rather fall asleep
Than think of all my mistakes
And how it could've gone differently.
Leave me be
So I can dream
Once more of those sunsets
And the dust still on the trees.

It's been a couple years since the day that I left...
And there's nothing I wouldn't do to get back all the time I spent...
Because even though I'm happy...
Still this is the same dream that I dreamt...

I miss those long walks at night beneath those shining stars.
I miss the days when we could talk alone about our hardened hearts.
The sunsets were my favorite thing until I went away.
I always used to say I wished I'd leave, but in the end I just wanted to stay!
These memories of me and you are the memories that I see all day.
The memories of the blazing sun beating down on us can't be erased.
I used to tell you that I'm over it and that I've moved on and found my way,
But honestly to be open here, I would do anything to be back out by the lake!

You and me,
We were okay,
Life was as slow
As yesterday.
Nothing changed,
It was routine.
Nothing changed
For you and me.

We used to stay up at night and count stars in the sky,
And lately all I've wanted is to find a way to relax my mind.
But all these memories of you and me still keep me awake,
And just as I fall asleep I start to think of how it would be!
If it was still you and me!
If it was still our adventure, and we were both free!
They say the hardest part of life comes when you're getting old,
But to be honest there's no time when you're used to letting go!
So let it go!
So let it go!
Let me float away down my streets, down my roads!
I hear your voice!
I hear your voice!
Let me float away down the streets,
Down your throat and into your lungs
So I can feel the vibration of your songs.

I hung myself outside for all to see
That this life of remembrance is hard to leave!
It's hard to leave!
It's hard to leave!
I miss my old friends and the way they were apart of me!

I sit in my bedroom and I listen to one more song,
I know the message to be true, but some days I don't want to sing along!
So play me a sad key, play me a dark note!
I'm still hanging from the noose on October's rope.

God I know your listening to what I have to say,
And I know that you still have a plan, but is this how it all comes to play?
I know things come and go, but I wish that never had to be,
To be honest father, I've gone through a lot, but I miss them the most desperately.

Dear piano,
You are tales of mystery to me
Floating around the space in my head.
You're a death to be take,
A life that we all forget.
You're a poem blowing in the breeze,
You're a leaf falling in the wind.
Your the snow melting away after the harsh winter
And you're the fox who stalks his prey
In silence.
I see you when I skip my way down the park
And also when the masked man comes creeping
Slowly as he reaches his victim
And as his maniacal hand plunges the knife
Deep into his heart-

You are stories of lost love!
The ones that we write of in our paper back diaries.
The ones we keep in the back of our minds,
Waiting for our stories to unfold.
You're the keys to my sad songs
And the melody to my hope.
You're those long forgotten sunsets,
But also the rain when I walk back home.

I remember walking home without an umbrella,
And I wish I had you out on my road,
Playing yourself away as my whole body became soaked.
You will always be in the memories of my worst days,
And you will always be the writer of my love songs.
So tell me-
Is tonight another night of failure and flight
Or will I fight to get back up and make things right.

I hear you resounding in my dreams
And I hear you calming down my unending screams.
I feel you pulsing like butterflies flapping their wings
Or like humming birds while they stay and sing.

You are the steps of young feet on ice
And you're the magic in their young undying eyes.
You're the light in their small lives,
And your also their reason to fight.

You are the sound of adventure out to sea
Where nothing but bottles of *** are waiting for me.

But you're also all the demons that still claw at my mind.
And I try to forget about you every time I hear your melodies shiver down my spine.

And then silence-

And many have traveled my road before me,
And I'm not the only torch blazing underneath the expanse of space.
But I
Still feel
Alone.
And I
Still walk
Alone.

And my voice still echoes in the distance!
And I still think that maybe someone else is mocking my shouts,
Calling back to me the same call that I called out in an instant!
But I'm so empty that even my enemies have left me to drown!

And many have traveled this road before me!
I can tell because I can see this path stained with their blood!
The blood of giving up before we can finally see the son!
Oh it's drenched in the tears of waiting for someone to show up!
And in the distance I still hear them crying out for something.

Oh, I've never felt as afraid of getting to the end
As when it ends!
As when I face the fact that I've lost a lot of my friends!
And that the more time I spend
On the road!
On my own!
The more the dark and the light start to blend!
And I bend!
Till I break
And my knees
Start to shake!
And I sit and I still wait!
I sit and I wait!
I sit and I wait!
Oh and I wait as I watch the Florida sun
Set down it's burdens and turn in before it's too late!
Oh I wish that somedays I could wake up to the sun one more time!
And that my memories could find a way to slip away from my mind!
But I've branded myself with the mark of defeat!
And I stare at my heart and study it's beat
As it retreats!
As it slows while I breathe!
And I hope that when it stops maybe you'll be all that I see.

I'm so afraid that when I finally look up at those eyes
That they will turn and look away from mine,
Because I'm
Just another soul on the line
Of time,
Ticking away until the day I die
Inside
And make my way to the place where you decide
What's right
And the fate I'll have for eternity's life,
And to make matters worse
I've done a good job of shutting out your light.
So why do I deserve anything by a turn-away glance from your eyes!
Why would I deserve anything but that look for the disappointments and despised!
What compelled you to give me another chance to love you like
The way you loved me?
What compelled you to love me even when you knew I wouldn't try
To love you?

My God's grace goes far beyond the wrong choices we've made!
It goes far beyond those promises we break,
Promising that our addictions are long forgotten and washed away
While the next day we fall for the tenth time on our face!
My God's grace goes far beyond the fact that you're facing habits that you can't break
And you feel like killing yourself is the only way you can be saved!
My God's grace goes far beyond what men like to say,
How only certain things are able to be erased!
Oh, but they lie with their poison in their veins!
Because my God said that this world is what he came to save!
And I'm pretty sure that this world is heading towards the grave!
So let me tell you my family, don't you be afraid.
Don't worry that maybe God will turn his head away
If you go and ask him to take all of your unwanted shame.
Don't you be afraid,
My God's words were never said in vain.

How many more days will blood be the solace to your ever beating heart!
How many more days will those veins explode in order to comfort you from your harm!
How many more days will pain be the way that you keep your self safe-
Or I guess just killing yourself to make all those memories go away...

I don't know who you are and I don't know what happened to you
But giving up never gave me any hope nor any truth,
And I regret all the days that I tried to use my pain
To make everything seem like it was okay!
Because nothing could ever give me quite the escape!
Nothing seems to ever quite help my life change!
No amount of drugs or blood or lust or shame
Could change my sad desolate life of black stains...

And I remember wanting to die-
It wasn't just once-

I remember thinking that if I had the courage I might just put an end to it once and for all,
For all to see and for all to awe!
Trust me, I know what it feels like to fall
And to fall from a place of security to listening to echoing halls.
But I found some hope behind my black walls.

And that's a love that for some reason brings more peace than anything I've ever seen!
More than anything that I could ever dream.
And that's the love of a God that will always be holding you close to him in your sleep.
And I can only imagine how many people have given you reason to hate him too,
But I can promise you that he cares more than anyone cares about you!
And that there is nothing that you could ever do
To get him to stop falling in love with you.

-Sunday, the twenty second of February-
I held a sunflower in my cold hands
For the first time in twelve years-
I cautiously stroked the petals
Like a small child holding fragile life in his palms,
Knowing that with one slight pull he could crush
its very existence-
I smiled-
I looked up to the blue sky and thought of you-
The way you hold me in your hands-
I placed my yellow sunshine in my breast pocket,
And I began to think of the way you've carried
me through this Florida weather.