To anyone I’ve worried
With my recently ****** up behavior
I’m genuinely sorry
But I cannot
and will not
Reassure you that I’m ok
When I’m not.
I do not want pity
I do not want sympathy
I just need to get my feelings out somehow
And poetry has never failed me.
With the recent cease of my last relationship
I know a lot of people dislike me now
And I get that
And it’s fine
But I’m not heartless.
The way I chose to handle the situation was bad
I could have carried out my decision in a much nicer way
But I ****** up
And I can’t change that now.
It’s my fault that she’s hurting now
And I deserve to be hurting too
Even though I was not IN love with her
She is still my best friend
And I still lost her.
With those decisions,
I also chose to stop taking my medication
Hence why I’m such a mess now
And it makes it worse that
I know I could feel “better” with more pills
But that’ll just hide the symptoms
Even medicated, I still want to die.

My therapist says no one wants to DIE, per say,
We just want to not live in pain.

I do not know the origins from where my pain grows
I’ve been clinically depressed since 7th grade
It seems as though I need the medication
In order to function at all
And that feels ******* awful.
I just want to be genuinely happy
One time
Without the help of these pills
And I have recently
But I don’t want to drag anyone into this hell with me.
I appreciate people reaching out
I really ******* do
But I don’t know what to tell you
Because I don’t think talking is going to solve this
Especially when I can’t find the root.
Just know that although I feel awful
Probably worse than I ever have in my life
I do not have any plans to leave here
Thoughts maybe, but I can’t say I’d ever do anything for real
But thank you for caring
It means a lot and makes my heavy heart a little lighter.

I’m sorry if I worried you.
I hope I’ll be ok someday.

The army gathered,
Horde of rotting lepers
Severed limbs,
Of snatched hearts
And missing gray,
Skulls opened by time;
Decay.

The gates they charge,
Making more of their own.

Always more dead,
Always more melted brain
And dark, dry hearts.

Strength in numbers,
Defining morality,
Defining normality.

These normal
Zombies
Gather.

These normal
People
Gather.

I thought I lost the best part of me
When you walked out so easily
Now I realize that you leaving
Saved the deepest part of my sanity
You tortured my mind and made me sick
I'm ****** in the head from all your ****
I wasn't wrong to love you
No, I was wrong to stay
But I know in my heart that
You'll regret it one day

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

The years of these blades
And the gallons of poison
In no way compare
To the place you have me in
Conditioned my mind
To sensor my thoughts
Just to avoid
The brutal nights when we fought
And I was never enough
It was always the same
Even when you ****** up
I was always to blame

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

All those nights spent alone
When I needed you most
Should have been enough
To convince me to go
But no, I stayed with you
Did whatever you'd say
I became your slave
Your personal outlet every ******* dayy
Ugh

*******! For all that you did to me
*******! For the haunting memories
They're burning my heart
And plaguing my mind
You cannot escape what you cannot unwind

You said you loved me
***** you don't know how to love
You only play your childish games
And run away when life gets rough
Ugh

Cause you broke me down
And destroyed my heart
I gave you my all
Now I want out!
You left so long ago but
Left this curse on me
I'm finding escape
In **** I don't believe
But What else can I do
When I never ******* sleep

Concealed depression is
Buying water proof mascara
So you won't have to reapply makeup
after each daily breakdown.

Concealed depression is
Laughing at everything
so they won't question
why your eyes always water.

Concealed depression is
staying up until 4 a.m
because it's the only time
you can ignore the world
and no one will notice.

...Or concealed depression is
taking three melatonins
in hopes you'll sleep deep
enough to keep the terrors at bay.

Concealed depression is
Staying consistently busy
So your mind will be too exhausted
at the end of the day to fight you.

Concealed depression is
the impatient selfish monster
that burns bridges as you cross them.

Concealed depression is
feeding yourself lies like
"I'm fine" or "I won't cry".

Concealed depression is
the uphill battle that you don't get to win once;
it's a mountain you're forced to climb every single day.

Concealed depression is
silently screaming, hoping someone
will have super sonic hearing,
swoop in like a bat,
and carry you under their wings.

Concealed depression is
never hugging too tightly
or meeting a gaze too intensely
in case your guts may slip
out before you can catch them.

So when they accuse you of changing,
when they accuse you of rage and indifference,
of violence and apathy,
when they ask why you never called,
when they ask why you never told them,
all you can say is that concealed depression
is like an overbooked hotel and there's only room for one.
All you can say is that you were afraid
Your darkness would drown them too
and then there would be no one left to save you.