If Alan Latchley
Were still alive you could ask him
Like he said
She can bring a tear to your eye
She can bring the blood to your shoulder
She can bring the kettle to the boil
Cos football is about nothing
Unless it is about something
And what it is about
Is football
He tossed a coin into the air
He let it fall
He knew not where
But at least
He could look himself
In the mirror
In the morning and say
There is a man!

Slow motion car crash
Circular firing squad
The efficiency
Of the placement
Of deckchairs

Herding cats
Clutching straws
Barking up at wrong trees
Knocking loudly on empty doors

Keep calm
And carry on
Loose lips sink ships
Do you hope to be
On the right side
Of apocalypse?

There is a thing
You keep grasping at
The idea is hardly new
The notion
We all talk about
The touch
Twixst
Me and you.

There's 96 bags of **** the moon
Or at least that's what I have heard
Among other detritus
Scattered around
We gifted the universe
Some turds.

A pub sign
Swinging
Through the rust
Completely
Bleached by the sun
I have a vague
Memory
Of its fitting
From when I was about 10
Summer holiday
Ball under my arm
We'd be playing all day
Walked under
Two ladders
Three fellahs
******* the flash
New *******
In place
It's just about
Still there
Today.

As he and the eleven
Rested In Bethany
The iscariot chose this Wednesday
To fall profound into infamy
He sold himself cheap
Didn't go for the big money
The standard price of a slave
Thirty pieces
Was all he had coming
But that play was a ruse
A ploy and a bluff
He just didn't think The Lord
******* enough.

I encourage you
On your own recognacence
To go crazy
And demand
Commen sense
Greasy movements
Shady oilments
And all that goes there
Availablement
Is the ****
Of what that goes there
So it's not hard
Exactly
What you put there.

Simon Munnery said
"All men are brothers,
Hence war!"
Brought forth
Straight faces
Gentle titters
Loud guffaws
Cain and Able
Romulus and Remus
And the Dasslers
Not forgetting of course
The bow legged Gallaghers
But sometimes it doesn't have to be that way
Angus and Malcolm
Matt and Luke
The Greenwoods
All displayed
You don't have to be at war
With your brother
Don't have to
Get smacked in the mouth
Don't have to
Go home and cry to our mother.

The world with all its peaks
And canyons
From highest point
To lowest trough
Suits them that seek
Reckless abandon
And those
That  just can't get enough

If our planet
Got shrunk
To cue ball size
I mean really shrink
That sucker
It may well you surprise
Earth would be smoother
Than that ******.

Morphine's album
YES!
Has a place in my heart
That's is smothered in pride
Listened to it constantly
In 96 in Glasgow
When hard work
Was along for the ride

Ripping the guts
Out of a IT company
Partition walls and ceilings
Fell before my sledgehammer
Right in front o me

Chewing hash
And snorting scotch
Were  the orders of the day
Once the dust had settled
And we'd drawn all our pay

I'd never seen so many places
To sentimentally sing
Chemically altered karaoke
Is one hell of a thing.

I love terrible weather
But it always passes me by
I should go and work for
NASA.

Some days you feel good
Some of em are bad
At some point
There'll be two days
The best and worst
You ever had
Maybe they have
Been and gone
Perhaps they lie round the bend
Or you had one but not the other
No signs portend
But don't mull on it
It's not chapter and verse
Just compose a new mantra
Things can always get worse.

David Eugene Edwards
Said his banjo was
A work instrument for God
That's some holy confidence
Yet it doesn't seem that odd.

So fat he's never been cold
Killed young a story unlived and untold
The one chosen
Who refused to come
The stout protector
Takes to his heels and runs
The promise of peace and agriculture
Transmuted
Into technologies cluster
That ******
Any chance of the self
Persisting
All alone
In it's own good health.

The things that come out o your head
Are just skin cells you're ready to shed
Write them down on a page
And then let all the days
Be the judges
Of what you relate.

Everything gets in eventually
Unless you have a supernatural defence
Wether it's the ants or the water
Constant baulwalking makes sense
Sealent shrinks
Rubber perishes
Nowt is water tight
Though when your young you don't think so
Why should you give a *****?
The citadel once proud
In the round
With its bitter moat
Now tumbledown
Half brought to ground
Denuded mortar
All she wrote.

We don't want to be small
Even compared to one another
Cos it's better
Generally speaking
To be tall rather
Than little
That don't take long to discover
Then you turn
To the trees
The mountains
And the continents
You imagine yourself
Traipsing round the world
Just how many steps
Would that take?
The solar system
The Milky Way
The local groups
The endless days
They move away
And loop round to the beginning
To every point in time
And each place
Along the line
In the vacuum
You are aware of
Creation singing
It Sits on
The cosmic fence
Of this bubble universe
Mixed with the countless
In an eternal
Glass of beer
That sits upon a table
In a bar
That is quite able
To hold infinity
And it's the smallest
Gaff in town.

If you live amongst the trees
It might stymie the disease
That could otherwise
Rot out
The thing
You can't talk about
Away from
Awkward truth
And
The ungodly overproof
You might think
You could get out
The things you want to talk
About.

Some sadness
Can't be burnt away
You'd get asbestosis
From the smoulder
You've got to wait
For brittleness
It's chips away
As you get older.

They don't care it dooms them
They don't give a ****
Oft portrayed as the earths saviours
They're just nihilistic humps!

Drukenactivity
There I just made up an new word
I know you don't agree with me
But that just makes you sound absurd
Cos the activity o the drunk
And the productivity
They sow
Makes you the biggest
***** that
I have ever known.

It's the fuel and the juice
It's the ******* excuse
Some say it's the fathers ruin
It was born of the need
When water needed the ****
To filter out some of the poison
It's was the grease
That we oiled
To forge
The forge
never spoiled
Where our models
Of the future rolled out
Some say
We should cut it
To the smallest amount
But you'll always find me
On the end of a spout.

They hit the beach
From the other way
So their ghosts
Could get compared
To that
They met in the fray

It's so quiet now
Have I gone deaf?
No I said that out loud
So I've just gone thick.

Never March on Moscow
that's  what old Monty said
Its rule one
On page one
not really up for dissent

Rule two
He furthered
Don't take on the Chinese
Within their own vast land
The invisible armies
Of the people
Will swallow your troops
Right where they stand

For those objectives
Are so far away
Across valley steppe and mountain
Bleak and cold and bare
The folk have suffered more
Of which they will not speak
Beyond what you call care

So that's the east's
Intrinsic insurance
When it Comes to boots on the ground
They haven't got the legs
To come too far the other way though
So it's mushrooms
All around.

Stolen ponies found abandoned
Clearly far too much to handle
For the fool who thought it wise
To take this horseflesh as his prize
Perhaps a blind impulse rob
Maybe a drunken bet gone wrong
But when resason or sobriety hit
He let them loose
And did a flit.

Imagine the stock
You come from
Your brother
Your sister
Your father
Your mum
The pool of the soup
The essence of bread
The things you decided
Went on in your head
To have a brother
So close to your age
Is a blessing
According to
Mr Farnsworth.

Leonid
Taurodid
Rocks thrown through
This fermential lid
Twice an hour
Then a flurry
You miss it when you bow for curry
Or kebab
It's late night tucker
Eat the meat
Miss out
On  succour

What do you call
A fat clarinet?
A Tuba.

How does a penguin build its home?
Igloos it together.
Cos penguins live in igloos.

What's the most unrealistic American pirates
Are prepared to spend on an audiology check up?
A buck an ear.

One fine day
In the middle of the night
Two dead men
Got up to fight
Back to back
They faced each other
Pulled their swords
And shot each other.

What's black,white and red
And has trouble getting through
A revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

I bought a pair of shoes off of a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with
But I've been tripping all day.

What's the best thing about
Switzerland?
It's hard to quantify
But it's flag's
A big plus!

Did you hear about
The mafia boss
With a PhD in quantum mechanics?
He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

Before I met my wife
I was incomplete
Now I'm finished.

Skeleton walks into a pub
Orders a pint of Guinness
And a mop.

Bald cat with no money
Gets on a bus
Driver says
Where's yer fur/fare?

I've always been prone
To stubbing a toe
My mother
Chastised me
When I was down low
Close to the floor
And the obstacles there
Seemingly volleying
Solid objects without a care
You'd think it'd be easy
On my shallow eclipticacal plain
To avoid maternal exasperation
And young digital pain

But I've always done it

Though in adolescence
And first adulthood
The occurrences dropped
Gyroscope tuned
Balance now understood

As the years curved away
The habit came back
Micro reactions
Now starting to lack

The leverage and mass
Certainly don't help
After the impact
The pathetic yelp
The delay between
Whack and sensation
Has always confused me
Defied explanation
Similar to getting
Hoofed in the spuds
Two seconds to grace
Then the ache comes in floods
I reckon it happens now
About once a week
Hopping then paralysed
As my faculties leak.

A dog will
Lick you to death
If you stop moving
A cat
Will eat your flesh
If they
Situation
Improving

I heard the first joke discovered
Written on an Sumarian tablet
Involve a dog
Well alright
That's an temporal nexus
The doggie's love
Looking up
If that's what it is
Is grist for poetry
That did always exist
The projection of worth
And innocence
And truth
And belonging
The nature of nurture
For them that weren't
Into parenting
The dog by the way
Walks into a pub
And orders a pint
Of something not too rough.

Where does a joke come from?
Oooh now that's a good question
Some people talk of a need
To describe some modern obsession
Forgetting the fact
That the gags we now guffaw at
Are age old weathered
Pieces of
Granite.

The pan is hot
The oil it spits
Yesterday's *****
Has given me the *****
If I drop it in right
I get those bubbles that I like
Thin and crispy
And crunchy to the bite
**** hot and salty
And peppery to the max
Each one o these tasty *******
A step to heart attacks
Though the greeze and the salt
Might stop me feeling rough
I'm going back to
New York City
I do believe I've had enough.

Gambling fallacy
Has been made quite clear to me
Quit while you behind.

You can cut and banter
About form and intent
And about the nature of where
Intensity is meant
But from what is implied
To what that gets said
You've got to give to them Millwallians well met

No one likes us
No one likes us
No one likes us
We don't care
We are Millwall
Super Millwall
We are Millwall
From the Den.

The city I live in is notorious
For timeslips
Walk round the wrong corner
And you'll be partying
With the Incas
Ah that doesn't work
Cos it time
Not space
I just think
I liked the rhyme
But even that's a disgrace
Does that happen to you?
In the middle of a ditty
You've got a direction
You want to go in
But the delivery
Gets all ******.

Around 70,000BC it is said
We were on the edge
Already depleted population
Was just about **** near spent
Talking here about modern humans
Not our antecedents and such
Who had tiptoed the edge o the abyss
Not once,not twice,but much

Toba supervolcano they say
Spread fire and ash and doom
And roofed over the world enough
To seal in choking gloom
Some say it killed all but ten thousand
Some say even less than that
Some say we were down
To forty breeding pairs!
Now what you think of that?

So near the void
So near destroyed
Before we learned to write
Almost no Sumerians
And those who lit the light
No pyramids
No moonlanding
No songs of love and hate
Imagine not being here
The
Earth
You
Did
Not
Create.

Have you got enough
To do it?

How's your supply?
Will it see you through it?

And those who
Gather round
Are they here for you?
Or just gossip bound?

Ration now thy scant resources
Lest there be some
Harsh recourses.

If you went on
Who do you think you are?
And found out
Your great step uncle
Was a high ranking ****
Or a distant cousin
The head of the Stasi
Would you feel complicit?
Even though your bloods
Arent that near
Cos it seems
Some of mine
Were Lodz ghetto
World War Two
Profiteers.