the last thing i want to do
is upset you
but it's food for thought
i can fix you a plate
but i can't feed you
he treats you like ****
and you let him
he thinks it luck and you fate
some fatal attraction
and you, a helpless actress
in a comedic tragedy
of his own twisted direction
take some control

so scared of losing you
but i just want you to leave
would never walk away
but it runs through my head
everyday
cause boyfriends say
how terrible she is
and she can't help but believe
and feed into
all the little lies
******* spun
the twine is pain
the loom is avoidance
and you wear each article with a smile
it hurts to see

i was thinking last night
about how amazing you are
an interesting, multifaceted, individual
all you've accomplished with all you've faced
i'm so proud of you
i know your future contains big things
you're going to do great

what governs your soul
what gives weight
your actions
as of late
mine is confusion and self protection
before thinking, submitting to reaction
i am lost
in my head
but no clarity
only a fog
and a blank face staring back at me

I'm an open book
you're a closed in castle
i give you the key to each passage
but it doesn't matter
to you
I'm another *******
i bang on the gates
but each assault is a wash
and diplomacy doesn't work any better

i feel nothing at all
it's good to know
that at the bottom
you can still fall
to give way to new lows
where you thought
there was no more to go
brother, seat yourself in the first row
you're in for quite the show

I'm better off
drowning myself
in a well of pity
like you seem to
and surround myself with people
offering hate
and who want to see me
flail

i really feel numb
a kind i can't shake
the kind that makes you dumb
because your wish is to feel
even if it puts your life at stake
every risk you take
despite the missteps
and many mistakes

i typically don't talk much about myself
like the new job, my second now
or skydiving
getting drunk with new friends
speeding to 121 while driving
cliff diving
the mountainous hiking
or the praise from my manager
and a raise coming
these things feel like they don't matter

how often do you go around
making beds
but never rest
you please on your knees
begging, baby
don't take out
the anger on me
it don't pay to be meek
but these words
are of no use
while we **** away our youth

ah man
did i upset you
with how i feel
and expressing it
*******
and eat ****
have a brown grin
god knows your nose
is already covered in

i have to laugh at times
though i say a lot with this medium
it is chiefly, for me
to work out my thoughts
my head is fraught
and only these rhymes
can say
what i cannot

exactly
just like that
spot on

it was a spark
awaiting ignition
to blaze a flame

it was all out rebellion
strikes of interdiction
streaked across the nation

kesey, el chapo, canucks
a veritable shark tank
this northern continent
land of social deterioration

want to leave
let me breathe
but i don't
it's contradicting,
it just won't,
for sure
the cure
this flickering
spark, in my soul

still here, still going
despite not knowing
where
gonna get to where i should
be headed
once it's something that's connected
and clicked
cause my past
is something i can forget

emptiness, hard shook
from this soul
you have engulfed
i have fought the fight
this long
but i don't know
if i see a lot of reasons
to go on
it's all a joke

one man's hell is another's heaven?
a reference
to something I said when we were younger
and dumber
it's true, i think the world of you
but what good does it do

for you?

self sabotage
at the end
my tightrope walked
just to **** it all up again
honey, my heart still beats
even though you gnash it
in between your teeth
still got that pumping action
despite the bite marks

you can't fix me
i wouldn't want you to anyway
being with you
spending time together
that's what i want
i wonder
about all the things you do
and how you fill your time
god i'm pathetic

the cowboy cries
alone, in his car
with the music playing
loud enough to drown out
any noise he might make
he doesn't care if anyone else hears
but that's something he can't bare

i care about you
i want you
if you're screaming
i want to be
screaming with you
or breaking down
though
anything to do with me
rest on these shoulders alone
stoic joke
i deserve to die

i wish i could read
your actual thoughts of me
get my leg up
with all my capacity
to walk away
and leave you
in your cacophony

i'm detaching from it all
i don't know
does that necessarily mean death?
of one thing or another, i guess
this recent disillusion
blind confusion
over what love was real
who i am and what i stand for
and i feel
i can't believe anything
so what's the point, of believing
what's the point of anything

hold on
while i transfer you
to a back line
give you a couple backhanded lies
and stab you a few times

to believe all you said
what an idiot i was
truly, if there were something in this head
by now, it is rot
and i guess everything we talked of
was for naught
it doesn't matter
i balk now
at every thought

be my omasum
soak in my nutrients
taste them
give me your waste
i'll take them
and make
a sweet creation
and i'll look past any indignation
any digs took at me
in anger or sadness or frustration
i'll go on loving you still
i guess it's just my nature
to be a fool for you
you've totally captured
my heart and fascination
my mind and imagination

three fingers of rye
talking about how tired and contrived
everything coming out of hollywood
is these days

cigarettes, burning in the night
watching men get bounced, denied
trying counts, and that's good
at least they say

atop my stool again
back in my booth
a familiar place
to offer comfort
ease and soothe

naked for the world's sight
from all the drugs i buy
no lie, i might stop if i could
let's let the chips ride
and if i die
it was the *****

the same people
who denied the science for decades
now scramble to solve a problem,
at the very last moment,
they let propagate
profligates
false prophets of civility
who take and erase
any knowledge
of their wrongdoing
can't deny the world around you
changing

i recall, you used to tell
i guess it was a fall, and man i fell
wish it hadn't just been reciprocity
love was what i felt
love gave birth to an atrocity
with how we let ourselves act
it's left it's welts
my ego and pride
cracked with a belt
the scarlet letter of your heart
was the wavering in your voice
i should've been better to you
regret abundant
in my most every choice

your friends are pathetic
like my friends are pathetic
and petty
like you and i
are
we going to lie to ourselves
trick each other into believing
either one is at fault
us together doesn't work
like that
you humiliate me and make me feel less than
tear into me and get your fill
you always have
hungrier still
again, more
finish me off
dive in for the ****
i didn't mean to take up all your sweet time
give it back to you one of these days
in the meantime, you can find mine
while you wait

So I guess you meant what you had said
which is fine
it just replays in my head
non-stop, several times a day
i'm just blind
obviously, to the writing right in front of me
or maybe like everyone else
i just choose not to see
or i guess chose
whatever we had
is at a close
i want something more
or something less
it just needs to differ i suppose
i have a feeling i'm talking into the wind though
and you've already moved on
i said i was here
but watch me disappear
be the last to know
once i'm gone

play it cool
sweat down your temple
like condensation from shirley
surely it's too early
to be so broken and weary
it should be simple
instead your head's got involved
but ask yourself, is there a direction it steers me
or am i careening through life
rudderless, out of control
with an aching back and chest tight
the only stress is what you're creating
and it's hard to not notice it taking it's toll

saccharin saturated smiles
faulty mass produced liars
with platitudes
that wish you well
and actions that say
go to hell
would that satisfy you?
an eternity
in a lake of fire
just to satisfy you
burn me, but of torture I'd tired
like here
mad hags and ranting shrews
angry freaks and cowardly dudes
taking all the abuse
and i can see the hate on their face
but i can't help but smile

ranting and raving
about nothing and everything
it's so tiring
going on from one thing to the next
never any rest
tired of trying

shutting my mind to it all
i'll stay the grind till the axe fall
cause i won't be caught off guard
i'll go my own way and stand tall
maybe it's my pride
but it never swells
maybe it's me
insecurities
they never leave me
but i'm growing
you start living
not knowing
so if it takes some time
for you to get your legs
that's alright

no one talks about
how translucent they are
or perhaps they'd rather not mention it
there's something you lie to yourself about
maybe you don't even know what it is
i know it's uncomfortable
facing uncomfortable truths
growth can often times be painful
but it will hurt you more
to remain the same

three little birds
and not worrying
forget about the tears
on the level
try looking in my eyes
sitting on the dock of the bay
watching the tide roll in
barely makes me stir
it's all been such a whirl
having fun till my final days

maddened by
all that i don't know
it makes sense that,
it only being a portion of a picture
a sliver of your life
what you're comfortable to show

suppose it's what you would be
free from happenstance
unburdened, all you could be
if only
not for the cosmos' harp
if not for the hands of chance

this trepidations man i am
today, when an honest heart
is a sure sentence, guilty
the first step down the road
of the tired path of the ******
is to give up and fold
to say, if it's so it's so
accepting things with no gripe
no complaint, even when it's wrong
and you have the unfortune in knowing

i loved what i'd seen
what had been shown
before the clock was cleaned
the gears all greased
every meaningful place
stamped out, like the grand empires of old

and now they're churned out
broken, spoiled, soiled
focused looking solely,
totally out on their own

closer than ever, yet poles apart
we roam

walking away
maybe we'll pick this up again
who's to say
we'll even stay friends

to sleep for days
the time will never end

i blink awake
just to begin all over then

it wasn't fake
but who's genuine

you say to leave and stay,
you have so few hands to lend.
read all i've splayed.
there's no worth to it,

you'll understand

who am i kiddin'
it's me that's cowardly
keeping my love hidden
i regret my decision
but i can't write revisions
i just know
i don't want to lose you
but i understand
taking all for granted you've given
it hasn't been easy livin'
but it seems that way
for us both

honest
i've never felt more the fool
never knew that i could lose
what was never mine

admonish
against overthinking
time not to be smoking and drinking
over planes falling, and ships sinking

a couple lines
to say, i'll be fine

sometimes i have the will to walk away
other times i can't get through the day
it's an addiction
cravings that need fixing
from cigarettes, hookahs, and e-liquids
nicotine and man mixing

d.c.
there's a capitol riot
everything's burning
and yet the senate is quiet
no shots ringing out
now there's the riot
deep battered constitution
they grill it, bake it, fry it

flint
on a diet
water pipes busted
turn on the tap
try it
have a glass on stage
let it touch your lips
lest you digest
what's vile

i stop looking back
looking forward
moving in the present
turning over
my being to the moment

baltimore
i don't know what it's for
but i refuse to stand down
simply lay down, and die
ain't it hard just to live?

distance
it's what we all need
to grow and develop
mature

to flower from a ****

it's nature
to grow apart and disagree
to love one another

without loving

i still want you in my life
if it's at all feasible
but say you get hung up on me
i don't want you to hang around waiting

you deserve better

your flame is dying
let me be your fuel
please love don't cry
these hearts hurting are duel
if you need to hate
i can take the abuse
if you need me to wait
i'm yours to use
no one else can do
what you seem to
please don't hurt yourself
don't be alone
if you need to
be manic
have an episode
scream, punch, and kick me
it's a pleasure
to bare any bruise you'd lay
curse me out, wipe off my smirk
and any life from my face
it's agony going through
sleepless nights
and skyless day

i hope you're okay

i write about myself
this narcissist
with all his pitiful wishes
of realities unreal
and tired *******
that reveals
that i'm no better
than anyone else
i'm tired
of pretending
tired of existing
it's all so demanding
the needs and the listings
i fear i don't even know myself
it's a useless tripe
when i could fade to black
and rescind into night

feel empty
after pushing everyone away
they gave you plenty
but you turned your back
and headed the other way
it wasn't meant to be
or some other saying
where you can dodge blame
loving was lovely
when i didn't need to use my head
all heart, no brawn & no brain