i'm driving just not to think
teetering, a mind on the brink
you can't nullify
what you feel
just because
you can't stand the thought
of whether or not it's real

to sinking another drink

gut reactions
not indictive of how i feel
im calloused, hardened
cause it's all too real
shock factor
repulsion or appeal
you can't decide which
not that i can, either
i suppose it's an old trick
going back to the one you endeared

i came on here
to write some pretty words
you might see
but now i sit on here
in misery
typing out my woes
so that the world might read
that there's more than a few
succumbing to pain's tyranny

so many mind games
and thoughts i have to think twice
before they sink in
i wonder
does she feel for me
or is she out to use me
turning me out from within
pinch my pockets
gouges down my back
reducing my eyes to sockets
with just a blank look

i guess i'm selfish
i don't care about anything or anyone
besides myself
and my own interests
i'm trying
to be better
and i'm the victim
with all my ******* and procrastination
my worst enemy
my subconscious, consciousness, and imagination
my mind is a travesty
a shrine to mania
a tapestry of degradation
it's insanity
the man i want to be
is who i stab at in the mirror

if you can't be dramatic with me
then who can you be with
real and honest
to the point of pain
your knife, already driven in
were you to take it out
it would only hurt more
when you plunged it in again

contemplating suicide
because what is life worth
to be a beggar, without so much as a bowl
drinking down muddied waters
consuming tasteless mush,
which will make you sick,
being thin, and lanky
with hair overgrown
and nails *****
contemplating suicide
because life is worth it
if you've worth

strung up between the pines
tendons stretched out on a few lines of twine
got these low down, sinew blues

my hands
all they good for
is smoking, and drawing a card

these tired hands
calloused and sore
nothing cures'em, the rot's tanned hard
you might not
but the body keeps score

in your old age
gracefully, you've become slow
through the pines
through the oaks
to arrive after the snow

she isn't the first to say
let's run away
but she's the first
i'd travel to the ends of earth
just to be with
how many more new years will i receive and man does it throw me for a loop
with how little they've all meant thus far
i ain't got nothing
sweet nothing
nothing to chain me down
maybe i want a woman
to help my head
from the clouds to the ground
before i'm dead
and forgotten beneath dirt mounds

the scientists saw it
decades before it was a threat
a meteor, it's trajectory
earth
hurtling toward us
eighty-six years to impact
based on simulations
at the current rate
of technological advancement
they say
we will be unable
to mitigate this disaster
so far off
it seems inconsequential to life
and yet
it loomed over all of us
half of us obsessed over it
the other half accepted it
it made no difference to me
eighty-six years on
will i be alive
to see the sky alight?

it won't be okay one day
one day, when it all caves in
when the timber beams collapse
and all that i've swallowed and kept bottled
comes up, chokin'

i could live off that kiss
that moment when our lips
chanced to meet
the feel of your hips
the material of your pants
my heart skipping beats
just a passing glance
i stammer, tongue in cheek
forget my grammar, leave out words
you leave me speechless
and make me weak

it's been warm this December
and barely a snowfall touched the ground
they're saying in several Septembers
heat rivaling ol' helios'll be found
supposed to be like Luckenbach, Texas in my area
Funny, I always liked Waylon n Willie
can you imagine the hysteria
when's there's even more to be fighting for
dying over, and killing?

four eggshell walls
a square footage so small
jesus christ, i pay for this?
it nearly works the tears out of me
wringing out the sweat
on the daily
worst of all
it's all i can afford
i'm going crazy

he needs me
she hears herself say aloud
but will he be there for you in your days old
when grey hairs have cropped up on that crown of gold
does it make you proud
to have a lover so cold
he needs me
to keep from being bored
warding off the draft that is his frigid soul
doesn't being superwoman take it's toll
you give and you give and you give
but it ain't your pony show
you're too busy working to live
to think, you're just the clown at the rodeo

you are my soft light
on the other end of the axis
you trip me up
like a dose of acid
but the colors
and shades you show
are lasting
so you stain my brain
with a handprint and an asscheek
kiss me
watch me go out blasting
when my mind recedes
into what's ever coming after

you're on my mind
nearly all the time
and it kills me
to hear you say you're his
what is this
why did you reach out
i still don't know
i can't figure you out
how little has changed
is this a game
something to numb the pain
encased in that brain
that makes my heart beat
or are you just insane
then again, i can't help but entertain
firing every neuron, reviving what remains
douse you in affection
just to see you alight
like a neutron star
don't look too hard
you may find yourself blind,
awestruck, by her heavenly sight

i'll stay poor
if being rich
means being chained to my misery
it's a mystery
why the wealthy
aren't very healthy
mentally fit
and lack the capacity for kindness
is there a blindness
forced upon you past a certain cap
or is it the ever widening gap
between joe schmoe and the fat cats

i'll do the duties
due to the son
but don't expect me to like you father
when you're bitter and mean
and ignorant, unwilling to learn
when you pride yourself in your superficiality
treating me like **** you stepped in
keep it up
we'll see who's around
in the twilight of your life

oft are the times
that see me wading
waiting, in the tides of the day
for a break
when it's all work
i feel like jack
where he had it wrong
was with that axe
it should've made a dent
in his own deranged dome
but when it's a broken home
i guess everyone needs a way to vent
all work and no play
working nearly everyday
and when i'm with my friends
i feel so alone
it's a shame i know
but it's all i know

i'd run off with you
out west
down south
further north
eastward bound
wherever your heart is
i want to be there
with you

greased up
the batteries ready to loose
the bullets waiting to shoot
the jet plane fueled up
awaiting for use
the good men and women
in command
assured of their success
owed to the cunning of their plan
devious as they are
it's all worked so far
from europe, to asia, and sedan
is their nature insidious
or are funds more important than any one man?

through the slivers of night
that slice betwixt your curtains
stabbing at you like knives
all the regrets, all the burdens
regress into dark light
that sleep beckons
in your yearning
relief is a far sight
and your worry burning

rush in
for an invitation
for the chance
to see new nations
not freelance
rather via indoctrination
rifle in your hand
in your heart contradiction
cause it's not your land
but they are your victims

the man you just shot
two kids and a wife
as you lay in your cot
you think of their lives
as her husband rots
like little tiny knives
you can still see his eyes
as you lie in the night

some very sorry people
roam this earth
aimless, blind
theirs faces marked
with an ugly scowl
thoughtless, in binds
chained to their feelings
imprisoned by their mind
consumed with what's hidden inside

watching the television
as they bomb my countryside
scrolling through the phone
while they raze my city
smoking cigarettes
when sanitation services conclude
and sewage overflows
and my son starves
laying hungry in bed
wasting away
waiting for day's break

you're troubled
and i feel for you
and it pains to me to no end
there's no hope here to mend
so i'll just detach myself again
i'm merely something to keep your interest
in your boredom
is your life dull.
what sickness tooks this relationship, deformed from contortion
deprived of any soul

you want people to be real with you
but you can't stomach the truth
you want to please everyone
but does it please you?
you say you're sad
and unfulfilled
then do something about it
you're just as afraid to live
as you are to ****
keep a dying love going
going on still
silhouette soul
living life without a will

you're like chiseled from marble
a work of art
where comparison fails
all a man can do is marvel
when you give start
to his sails
or how you make his heart thump
it's a farce
how much beauty you have

you know you're no good
you treat me like how you say you shouldn't
venom in your veins
each word you say is acid spat fluid
contracted a stupor from you babe
goin through a super flu
on account of all you do
cause it's like a vice
curse it and the way you abuse it
i'm tellin you
you're gonna lose it

she's who i'm with
so why do i want another
is it her hips, and their width
or is she just the better lover
her mind is like ******
and she's cooler than freon
i'm a sucker

51 seconds have gone by
and i want you to write
despite, having just sent
what i had said
this love thing's for life
in my heart
like you're in my head
it's awful trite

if i could do a thing for you
name it
if you have a price
i'll pay it
there ain't a thing too far flung
even give you the strings i strung
you just have to say it

would it have been the same
yes, but it would've meant a lot to me
i used to think you had changed
but there's no differences to you
only contraries
and you're full of doubt and self hatred
earse this mistake miss
of us ever having knowing
you're off to the races
cause this basket case is
overflowing

we tread these tired trails
our tires sticking
all we had was fiction and friction
cause in the end
it was a sick addiction

the way your cheek fell in my hand
i couldn't speak i was so enamored
stammered out some strange saying
realizing, you weren't staying
it was something i couldn't stand for

we flirt with the idea of us two
and we skirt the curb that would see us cross into it
few times i thought it inevitable
i still stay we'll never

what if i were the deciding factor
between someone being helped or passed over
my conscience wouldn't allow it
i don't think it's my pride
cause i sure could use some help
i just won't be the one to take it from another

i ain't crawling back this time
baby no
this time i chalk it up
to the fact that this goes
nowhere
no way i could
but i no longer care

this emptiness that gnaws at me
there are no words
like chalk lines on the blacktop
joy exists only momentarily
washed away by the rain
as i cry
my dead gaze
weighs heavily
on the mirror cracked
shards of my image
distorted as i am

i let my mind wander
and now it's gone
my spirit carried me on
till the dawn
indomitable

as i had become
the slightest of slights
i'm alight
burning through the night
to greet dawn

it's me and my dignity
it isn't a picture pretty
alone
you never phone
only talk in times of need
or when you're bored
am i the bad seed
a black sheep
another figure in the horde

I wake up alone
Something that before, had no affect
Now it chills me to the bone
Took it all for granted, in retrospect

And I'd do it all different
Were time such
That it'd allow me to do what I didn't
But it's better I guess, I'm learning hard

Hardly learning, cause I'm too held up surviving
Afraid of flying, cause all I've done is dying
So I think, I'll just sit for a while
Till I pluck up the courage to fake a smile

I can't say what it is
That causes me to fracture
Like a glass mirror
The reflection is but a static actor

If you want to really know
What exactly is the truth of the matter
At this point I'd say I'm not broken just battered
I'll stay standing
Cause laying down is easy
When I'm ready to go
I'll just be leaving

Naked death
Unclothed, unrobed
Scythe still sheathed
Christ unrisen
God
In his infinite wisdom
Stayed his hand
And the Cosmos remained silent

I've got a *** of cash
It's in my pocket burning fast
It's better I spend every last cent

Miss my long hair, with this shaved head
Can't help feeling I should've left it instead
It'll grow long before I'm dead

Regret is just a word
Make no mistake
It may just stick with you

Beget your own pain
Fathered all you forsake
You travel with the weathervane

It's so hard sometimes
To let go of someone
You never had

And then there's the instances
Those that you love are done
To tear down all you've built that's bad

Light fixtures can only short so much
Waning little more when you're no longer interested
Awnings leak so many liters, before they let through
Bottom feeders will take even the crumb

People know the stories of the glories of heaven
The magma and brimstones of the hot fires of hell
But not many know
Limbo
There's stock brokers there, and hedge funders
Bidding on the ****** and the holy
All the same
There's no karma, no good and evil
The three fates spin their yarn on graphs and pie-charts now
Showing the most favorable projections and safest souls to nab
Destiny is dead
The eternals drove a ****** stake through it's chest
Pandemonium has become the norm
In those ethereal planes all our paths end at
Another puzzle to figure out
Another oddity to be understood

it's all gas no brakes
full throttle
pedal to the metal
it's expansion
bigger is better
never large enough
it's big business
so many pitches
strikes are all you can expect
it's the rich
never full, ever hungry
for them
there is no rest

love
they say of you
that our thoughts should never be in vain
even when you cause misery
even when you cause pain
to stay true to the soul
before you're taken by the soil
and not to let your heart be sullied
by the strains of the toil
loving can be
oh, but how wondrous
how absolutely terrific
certainly and undeniably
of all
the greatest thing we can share in
oh but how wondrous
loving can be

A battle fought is never in vain
Whether the outcome's defeat, victory, surrender, or retreat
To peace, it's all the same
For civilities' sake
We could lay down our rifles
Walk away from the trifle
And dust we kicked up
Feign sickness
Acting like you chucked
Refuse service
Merchants of deaths ducked
Flee elsewhere
Instill a boat's deck with your trust
And hope it's helm steady
Cause Lord above knows
Which direction bears hell or heaven
And of both in this world there's plenty

One never really knows the need of friends till they're alone
When there's no one to ring and not a text on the phone
No joy to be shared, no dialing noise
just a tone
Pinocchio, you're fine on your own

You think me ******
For what seems to you to be a lack of caring
I cannot convince you of my care
If you refuse to believe so
Despite my efforts
So I relinquish doing so
Why should I waste the time that is so precious
On an issue which has no basis
And on a rationale you refuse to release
I haven't the time for such things
Really, no one does
But yet they fritter it away
For things that will never change

Not I

I don't understand people
At this point, it just makes me laugh
All the self inflicted wounds
Deep cuts gouged
The headaches exhumed
Over matters long put to rest
Many a dead love resumed
How we go from next to last
Slow and fast
Anything but graceful
This solemn dance