**** nostalgia
and family and friends
**** the queen, the president, prime ministers
all the positions in between
all tied and loose ends
let it all begin again
history repeats
a story of no winning
it never meant
anything

i have the courage to ****
and i've instilled the will
through a drip
and still
concentrated
focused
gnawing,
till i've had my fill
and the house of cards
crumbles

i can see
the end of me
my whole expense
in so many thousands of ways
like knives in my eyes
they don't go away
painfully sober and clearheaded
even high
i want to rip them out
leaving sockets
empty
and though tears run
they immediately dry

i am a camel
humps swollen
drinking down
so much pain
this distraught face
once happy
now looks like a disgrace
out breaks
of acne
stress induced
you think you're the only one
you've read what i've written
what's the use

Rest your head,
and dream a different dream.
What can we do?

Get up to run,
but no legs.
So, just tread water

Filling your lungs,
renege.
On promises you offered

Cause we're all the same;
That's the magic
The absolute splendor, the wonder

It's all mud
Messy people
Obscured in dirt
To bring you down under

another version of me
another version of you
what's real
i don't know
death is fine
give me mine
nothing is as it appears
walk away

want to set the world on fire
rejoice in the warmth
of Europe burning
America ablaze
Asia sizzling
from each pole
flames fuming
hate every person i see
**** everybody
want the world to be hurting

whisk you away
from all the ****
you've become embroiled in
agony, as she cries
a dizzy, sickening need to do
see you okay
but nothing for you to
break the waves

quid pro quo
don't act like you don't know
you only get
if you give a show
turn a trick
or pucker and blow
what's that honey
"qualifications?"
why don't you
bend over
and give me a demonstration
get a role
if you're still pure
like fresh fallen snow
my un-plucked rose
cherry red cheeks
like maraschino

headache, headcase
cause i'm ******* crazy
poor, long face
break my body
if you pay me
using

i feel very stifled
and stuck
by the economy in this state
move?
litigate
you lazy ******* shills
leave my home
cause you want to rob it?


tax too high?
we won't stomp it
well ****
that's your problem

the only advice
i can get
is what I don't want to hear
or can't, yet
it's these traits that endear
unwavering commitment to being a better man
the day next
it's the anxieties and fears
that keep us from
being everything we can be

please stop reading
into what i'm saying
and just ******* forget me
pretend like you'd never met me
it's for the best

there's a picture you sent
that i can't help but stare
at night, when i'm bundled up in bed
i just lose myself in it
cause they're just so deep and
i know i should probably quit
but there's something here
that i wanna stick with

coming inches from fighting
every nerve
fires like lightning
who do they serve
when it's conflict
they're igniting

maybe it's this generation
of instant gratification
that keeps my head
swimming
but i just want you around
take it; love, money, veneration
be my ruin, my downfall
my annihilation

we need to take
better care of one another
i have no brothers
just a sister and a father
but what about
those with neither
those with no one
who looks out for them
when they fall
never more graceful
than a feather
some get up
some never

the tears will fall
onto satin sheets
while a silk robe
clings to me
and i
a hole
simply trying to
plug the emptiness within
before it escape out

want the people who care
to know how i'm feeling
can't express the words
so i lead them here and
i end up reeling
when they take
every passage and stanza
for fact
instead of feeling

in space
it's a silence so deafening
screaming has no meaning
disassociating
to escape
this life
that doesn't satisfy me
in the clouds
shout
and let me know
when you come down
so i can catch you
re-entry can burn
it's something you still
haven't learned

mama was a *******
and an er nurse, who took care
of 9/11 victims
drugs are ******* horrible
without a properly equipped system
the wayside for her
until she died
got casted aside
not a man among you
with conviction

it's limbs
grew out, over shallow water
dims the forest floor
with the sunshine it gathers
leaving ferns to wither
like winter
but only cause you've gone
does this blood
boil hot enough
or do you need to do more
to see it warm
before you'll let me fill your loving cup

it's too much to reach out
always
i'll drown these naive dreams
with whatever's on hand
medicines
coughing
nothing is ever as it seems
especially when you do flips
just to convince yourself
it could ever come from her lips
moonshine and
longing

life is already a lot for you
i know
i'm supposed to offer relief
but i just upset you
maybe it's best
you give me a rest
and get on
to living better

pour me another glass
i won't get up
till i can't
shout so loud
they won't fill my cup
so i figure that's the end
and the bar room's so noisy
the patrons so nosey
it's like you can't converse
just follow me?
let's find us a nook, nice and cozy
we won't leave
till they bring round the hearse
don't dip in your purse
this round's on me
wetter than water, and can't breathe
the things you do to me

your man
makes me despise all men
even though
i just should despise you
i can't bring myself to
he's just a boy
i guess you're just a girl
can't see clearly
close my eyes, but you still stir
in my mind
reaching out my arm
but it just reminds
of all the time apart
the slits you've cut
that which you done
what was harm
stays with me
putty in your palm
mashed and grated
spliced, and dissected
like your veterinary demonstrations

you never remember
there's been others
im sorry if september
comes seasons early
but you haven't been the only lover

curly headed idiot too stubborn
had a sister, but she beat on me
like a brother, like my grandfather
what drives the hearts that hurt
i ask, but the only answer i get is
seek cover

hey, it's things i'll get over
licking wounds is a past time
immemorially, since forever
not loving me is no crime
but doing what you have been
while being together
that points to other things
you're smart
read your signs

i regret the havoc
our meeting has had
in your life
and all the anguish i've ever caused you
i know you do too
but i would do it all again

writing these is like a knife
knowing you read them
maybe aloud
and laugh
yours is black, like night
and probably needs a hundred stents
to keep it in rhythm, and make it pound
it's a gas
to call it a heart
thank you
for a piece of the crown

i'm still here
still helplessly in love
standing like a shmuck
betting on hard work, faith, and luck
it makes me laugh
knowing i'm more than enough
i feel the way i do
there's no pedestal
you're not my only chance
yet i can't ever get over you
c'est la vie

yes, I know
how lonely life can be
it's a tale recounted
if you let it flow
let the bad go, you'll see
what love has grown to
or the little that has
in reality, amounted
one sided
it seems
as most of your relationships
tend to be
it's a trend
one of the ones
i'm breaking free

there is no vacancy
left in heaven
every cloud
has its angel or devil
stamped in
but i'm just guessing
this fickle mind of mine
never stops messing

is there resentment
for keeping this thing i felt
from you
when i promised to be
entirely true
open and honest
i did everything but say it outright
everyday it was a fight
looks like you won

not really

the salt of my tears
is a taste
i've become accustomed to
through all the pain
throughout the years
out of my hands and that i self inflict
i'm just a waste
a steer, branded and fixed
mule-ish *****
improperly reared
a man of his age
whatever the moment calls
each of his greatest fears
already lived
down many a hall
from ecstasy to rage
emptiness, and everything in between
watch me
just dance

i hope you're okay
yearning for the day
you wake up
and walk away
walk away from me
and him
yours, the only whims
bending in the breeze
the stress nearly breaking you
it's time to make like the leaves
before your wither
drying at the root
dying
falling limbs

you think stoicism stupid
yet you subscribe to it
and love men who are
hypocrite
among many other names

i worry about you
but i realize
i don't have to be apart
of your life
especially when i tell you
and it's just
too bad
for me

i keep trying to write about you
but i don't need to
moreover i think you get
a sick sort of satisfaction from it
i hope it's enough to know
you started it
enough to feed your emptiness

i remember the person you were
before this man latched onto you like a sore
sure, i'm fooling myself
cause this is how you've always been
i can hear it now
you won't quit
i won't be putting myself
through this
over and over again
so i guess that's it
it doesn't matter
i'm sure you have other men

i'm finally starting to believe
all those things
you said to me
finally feeling like
i can leave
without losing anything
there was nothing ever really there
for the girl who can't ever actually care

he cries once
it's all she needs
he's cried countless times
over her
but he's a freak

i won't think about before
yesterday
tomorrow be ******
my future, and past
tell after, it's canned

it's funny
although this is stream of consciousness
outside of this
my thoughts are
very different
complexity, like me, is a mess you see
of course
confusing complexity with messes
is something if you probed, would garner innumerable confessions

solo
cause how often
has that been a way
i have gone
totally on my own
maybe each hit
will be softened
close my eyes to the ****
going on worlds over
disconnect from the news
turn off my phone
it's all over
whatever was going on

i know i said i'd wait
but what am i waiting for
and am i just enabling
pain for you
do you need more
of course
no one asks this ****
or it's something they ignore
when it dawns on you
i'll be the bad actor
and a used up, discarded *****

it's alright to hate me now
smile through the frown
friends at their ends
waking each day, selecting a new face
hide the clown
which jester wears the crown
there's supposed to be one with a belt
head held high
probably be easier if either of you felt
it's all just lies
was i of some use to you
i want to die
reflections of me on my phone
looking down

you're the overdose
the drop in the pale
that sees the ocean spilled
there were hands at the controls
to let up the floodgates
once
each one you stilled
every feeling killed
reduced to emptiness
and ash
there's literally nothing left
inside of me
memories
of flashes in a pan
i can understand now
why he's your man

you were so young
and full of life
no matter how hard you tried to detach
everytime, you snatched back
the wisps of light
you fostered inside
in spite of the dope
it kept going
your hope
till you up and died
and now i know you
as a tombstone

do i love bomb
leaving you cratered
do you wish i were gone
cause i can get moving on
and you won't hear
any animosity
these lives we lead
can go from heaven
to a monstrosity
if you feel
you have to get out
i understand
stop the train
before it's off the tracks
breaking terminal velocity
snapping necks
and seeing fingers
slip the triggers

if you need a protector
gladly, i would take that role
provider, confider, supplier
of everything that could supplement
anything you felt was missing
give up my dreams
just to see yours
i can take a backseat for a while
so you can soar