Today I am not ok.

The demons within
Are getting their way,

They gouge and claw
Scratch and score
Embrace and adore
My beautiful pain,
I hear their screams
From beneathe paper skin
I turn up the music
In an attempt to muffle them.

I stop my day
To renounce their rein
With this wee poem
In hope it will slay,
Vent their angst
Through dancing word
It is my only defence
Against the hate they incur.

This anguish in time
Silences at last
Until next time they grow strength
And run rampant within.

Today, I'll be ok.

Silent strength
Behind a smile
Struggling heart
Give it a while.

Half a heart
Around her neck
The other half
Around mine.

She will always
Be beautiful
In my dusty eyes.

Calm, hard to find
In a productive mind
She only stops
For my embrace.

She tries
With tears in her eyes
She is the only soul
I want by my side.

Ignoring little scenarios
That will one day explode
Into epic sagas

Calm in my cage
They can't get me
Time will heal all wounds
I'm hopefully sure

Break my own secret rules
Ignore consequence
At this moment in time
It made sense

I love you, but
*******.

Pieces of my puzzle
I cut to size
So they fit
To suit my mind

Create chances
Jump fences
Alter instructions
Open book inductions

Ignore epic sagas
That will one day explode
Into little scenarios

It is 5am
My alarm, as always chimes
The theme from Lion King
I reach over and down and swipe.

Reach over and kiss your brow
You are always awake
You advise that I have a good day
And from that moment, I do.

You tell me you love me
As I close the door ajar
Pack smoko and knock off sweetener
Be careful with the creaky screen door.

I go to work
I do my thing
I text and snap you
And you do the same.

Work does not matter
But, the money does
It helps fuel our future
So we can focus on us.

These family ties
These oddities and trials
Are a drop in the ocean
Of this beautiful life.

These pressures and perceived aches
Are beneath you
You're better than this
You just have to believe it.

My work day ends
But work is still to be done
Sort dinner, improvise
Give kisses and gaze into your sweet pixie eyes.

You get home later
I am a few beers deep
As per usual
You're used to it.

All the ****
But it's all good
Goodnight my love
I'll see you in the morn.

He plays his games
On playstation and phone
In the morning he is sober
But not in the afternoon

The illusion of him
Is so engrained
It must be love
I must be insane

Tonight, he walked away
With nothing to say
He just sent me a text
To advise

I thought he was strong
Able, confident and coherent
But, he is as broken as the last man
And I have only just seen it

All my eggs are in this basket
I am too old to start again
He loves me, and treats me like no other
We are still figuring out this new life.

Where am I? What is this place?
All that I know with a new found face
A new freedom and opportunity
Why don't you play games on your phone?

These kids, strange and relative
I cannot be their mentor
I am too far gone
I am not their father

Many moving parts
Many broken hearts
This maybe the straw
That breaks the camels back

Doubt it.

Defensive mechanism
Still engaged
Perhaps it's just me
But, a soft escape without a word

Seems to work.

Circling winds
Stand within
Remnants of adoration
Unsure footing.

Movement where there was once none
It all twists and becomes
A life once wished upon
Unfortunate for some.

Blending worlds
Through ebb and flow
It is what it is
What will be will be, you'll see.

Luxury of love
The silk and the scent and the humble
The angst and the crush and the crumble
Privileged to be involved.

Blessed with morning kiss
Caring head on chest
Someone to assist with mess
A friend to miss.

It will all make sense
After the storm
For now, just stand within
Circling winds.

All is quiet for now
But in the distance I can see
A threatening storm
Beginning to form.

On the horizon
It fuels its rage
Flexing its strength
Setting the stage.

With might and fury
It will unleash its anger
Engulfing all in its path
And just getting stronger.

I will stand
As it passes
Beer raised high
In curious laughter.

As the dust settles
And the storm subsides
I will be standing
Right by her side.

I will give her a peck
And help out with dinner
As this storm has nothing
On the love I have for her.

She is my rock
And I am hers
And we will withstand
Any force that confronts us.

See you in the kitchen
For slow dances
For dishes
My turn to dry
You choose the song
Don't forget I love you
And if even the song is crap
I'll still think you're ok.

We have bills
Beyond our means
You're beautiful
And I love you more in those jeans
Hold hands as we walk and skip
Stop, just for a wee kiss
I wished for this
And there she is.

Early awake to sleepy kisses
To super gross morning breath
I don't wanna fukn go
But off I go
Have a good day
Seeya after
For slow dances
In the kitchen.

Pent up rage
Spitting as he curses
What ever is close
Is destroyed

He is chaos personified
Testosterone screams
And he digs deep
To spray his wicked hate

The world is to blame
For his angst
His eyes, so shallow
To his own actions

It hurts
But I allow it to pass
As he is 15
And his words are not his

He screamed at me
And advised me
Never to call him my son
For the things I've done

He must be destroyed
To be rebuilt
He must find himself
In the blood he has spilt

I fight tears and fear
In seeing him in such a state
He is my son, my boy
My 15 year old mate

Bitter little feelings
Tighten my skin and muscle
Scrunch my face
In momentary feels.

This angst will pass
It always does
It always has
Time to feed the angels.

Eat
Sleep
Dream
Repeat

See you later
When you text
Can't wait
Till the next time comes next.

We'll talk
Once these bitter little feelings
Lose their momentum
Best friend.

This moment in time,
Right now,

Is what we have.

How will you cope
With now?

Smiles are coming.

You have my word.

Breaking into bits and pieces
Parts and chunks
Flakes and mist
I am always missed

Every division
Requires description
But I am too far gone
To muster words you'll believe in

Auto pilot life
Wait until last minute
To act
To complete the puzzle

No intent
Didn't mean what I may have meant
Depending on your response
Smoke bomb! Disappear

There is only so much of me
To share
This angst so bitter and obelisk
Only time will shift

Bloodless stone
No moss every grows
As I can only stay still
When I'm gaming

I'm killing them all
With every day of absence
Which has altered to months
Which has evolved to years

The love, now coarse and abrasive
To touch, only to lose layers of skin
Which I have taken so long
To fit within

I'll apologise when I die
For becoming that guy in your life
Till I fade into flakes and mist
I am always missed.

If the pain you feel is deep
Eat and sleep.

Refuel.
Swich off.

Disconnect
To reconnect.

Vegetate.
We are mammals.

Things can wait
This is only one day
**** the world
Do you.

Music
Poetry
Draw
Paint

Do nothing.

Life will wait.

Eat.

Don't forget to eat.

Your future you will thank you.

Dream sweet.

The silence
Is unerring.

TV on
Just for the noise.

Check my phone
To see if I missed anything.

I can hear myself
Blink.

Hours crawl by
Hours smell the roses
Grind into a day of lethargy
To create a null memory.

Another day
That is all.

Soak in the serenity
Of nothing at all.

The silence
Is exhilarating.

It's gonna be ok.

We'll get through this ****
This is not a sink or swim
This is a win win

One day, you'll look back
And wonder
Why you worried at all

We will fix
Everything

With love.

They change colour.

When I kiss her.

I hesitate, when I kiss her
To savour the moment
To remember every
Fingertip dance.

An adventure
Over vast hills of soft flesh
Inhale as I pass
Dropping sweet kiss mortars.

Soft claws backstroke
Leaving fields of pin ******.

Still don't know
What love is.

She lets me
Take us to a place
We've never been
Or will go again.

She lets me be,

As I gaze
Into pretty pixie eyes...

They change colour
When I kiss her.

Go to work
Get paid
Play sport
Get laid
Pay bills
Socialise
Alarm is set
For tomorrow.

Stay in touch
Moving forward
100 percent
Living the dream.

Full time
Annual leave
Happy Friday
*******.

It never ends
Until your end
This system we're in
You'd best hold on.

Curl into an anxious ball
Wrapped in cloth strewn
On the mattress dragged
To a silent tomb

Numb the phone
Lay and stare at the flickering pixels
Change position once bones creak
Awake still asleep

Salty deluge with no emotion
Perhaps just fatigue and disinterest
No time is now
There is only existence

No sustenance required
As no effort is made
But the mice in my mind
Swarm upon one another

The calm is electric
Letting reality die
Close my eyes one more time
To feel the embrace of my emptiness

Nothing is spoken
But the whispers to myself
Everything that I own
Stays where it is shelved

A crisis of nothing
A catastrophe of bliss
Coiled in angst and self pity
Goodnight my sweet prince

I was there first
So I get the room with the ensuite.

Dave soon moves in
1 of the other 3 rooms
He is clean, he is loud
We find a common ground.

He does the same job I do
But he's coordinating the civil crew
He drinks his Jameson neat
He is a broken man, finding his feet.

Youngy, the concreter moves in
He is simple, and pure and giving
He often tends to the garden
Straight after work, with a pint.

We share a fridge
He likes lego, and toys and things
The rubber egg trick
Will forever be in my memory.

The young lad Shannon, takes the last room,
A chippy, who knows his ****,
And he tells us this
And doesn't shut up.

A sweet kid, slightly annoying
He knows it all, so,
We changed his name to Google,
You can't choose your nickname.

We all work for the same company
Dave wakes up at dawns crack
Google showers at night
Youngy is always home first.

Dave cooks every night
Google meal preps and microwaves
Me and Youngy... well...
We get by.

All of us away from family
12 to 14 hour days
We are at work
More than we are at home.

All from different worlds,
We make it work
Google moves out next week,
Due to upsetting the herd.

We are here for the money
We are here for our family
Dealing with our own ****
And sharing it occasionally.

I wish them success,
As I know this is temporary
All the best
To Dave and Google and Youngy.

We drive down the hill
I drop them off home
I drive up the hill
On my own

On the way up
The sadness creeps in
The lonely embrace
The kiss of depression

Silent sighs
Deep breaths
The weight of it all
On my chest

I am not doing my best
I am failing

The very thought of trying
Drains me

I pull in the drive
Shut the gates
Pour a drink
Sit on my own with my mates

Only a fortnight
Til I see them again
Til I can drive down the hill
Again.

I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

You look at me
With eyes of pixie
Through a reflective phone
Made of glass,
Through filters and text
We have planned what comes next
Invites, meal preparation
Rings and dress.

Everything online
Due to the pandemic
Living separate lives
Just dealing with it,
We are not prepared
For the unforeseeable
But who is?
Just gimme a kiss.

Shotgun hope
This is our last chance
To find happiness
Amongst our torrid past,
My children may sigh
At the decisions that I
Make without their input
It is what it is.

I will leave my door open
To discuss current matters
I will keep your heart in mind
To ensure none shatters,
It is not my intent
To break your heart
But, to repair mine
A tad selfish, I know.

The dust will settle
And we will all find our place
I will show you through time
This is not a mistake,
To who you are now
To where you came from
I don't lock my doors
You are always welcome.

Hope to nest, just to weave a web,
Outstretched digits
To memories 6foot in the head,
Caught in baby talons, rose thorns;

Ripped to shreds.

Hindsight too late,
Cherubs on shoulders mute,
Strategic management of emotion,
To be filed amongst John Doe.

All dollars and sense.

Loneliness fleeting,
Months trickle to days,
How does one cope,
Amongst the phase of the days layers?

Eat the elephant...
One
Day
At
A
Time.

I apologise
For the things I may say
For the lack of ***** I have
On the average day
I love you.

For the ******* I give
We're just trying to live
For the animosity you sieve
I can be an *******
But, I love you.

For the tension I bring
For that uncomfortable feeling
For that squirmish *******
I dont mean it

I will come back around
And smother you with rose petals
That I stole or I "found"
Just to to show you
I adore you

I will prove that you're wrong
Do a dance, sing a song
Gloat and be a *****
For no reason

Then I'll subside and regret
Letting my trigger finger sweat
When I see the angst
That I've caused you

I apologise in advance
For ripping off your pants
And dancing around
Like the fool I am

Just know it's not me
Just an intoxicated fool
Wavering my ego
Like a caveman

I'm a ****
I'm a tool

But, **** me,  I love you
And I'll show you I do,

Just bare with me.

I promise my love
Will never grow rust
This is stainless
Gimme ten years, and I'll show you.

Wandering ghost
Cellophane happiness
Anxious bites and nibbles
Of exhausted duress

Spinning in spirals
Cartwheels up hills
Reality nipping
At worn cardboard heels

Hilarious funerals
Darkness glows to a tint
Poverty clown shoes
Without spending a cent

Reek of the stains
Splintered in the veins
There ain't no brakes
On this backwards train

Feed the deluge
With experience and growth
Caged in a carcass
Wandering ghost

She cries when we part
The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

At best, I am a ghost
Haunting the world
Then disappearing
Without notice or warning.

I remember, our faces pushed
Her out of focus green eyes
Looking deep into mine
On bedding strewn.

I remember, holding her in my arms
Feeding her my calm
Making her mine
And allowing myself to be hers.

She cries when I'm not there
Knowing, what she has is afar
Out there, in the world, somewhere
Living, without her.

I stay silent
As to not sway the tide
Yet I have a boiling ocean of angst
Inside.

The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

She cries when we part.

I was once young
Tomorrow I'll be 41
What have I done
With all this time?

I have regrets
Choices I wish I changed
Decisions hastily made
Rushing to live.

I have felt the things
You have all felt
I have worked the hours
And slept in.

I will spend this birthday alone
Perhaps a drink or four
I will blow out no candles
Nor make a wish.

This life is not done with me yet
I wish to die at 84
Happy birthday kid
You'll never be 40 again.

Close the eyes of the heart
Let it rest
Pull the blinds of the mind
That will do for today

Allow the dream to suffocate
Push aside the real
Alone in an overcast sky
Assume the stars still shine

Bleed the stone
Betray the clone
Ignore the phone
Silent in gold

Tomorrow will arrive
Today will die
The aches will subside
If only for a while

Try again when you wake.

Be prepared.

That's what they taught me
In scouts.

Be prepared.

This beautiful catastrophe
Can be sorted
With preparation,
And accurate action.

Time is of the essence,
Not getting any younger,
For forty ******* years
I've been getting my **** together.

Just keep trying

Keep swimming

Accept the **** ups

Carry on.

As long as you try to try
I spose that's what matters,
All you need is love
And all of the above.

Oh, and be prepared.

Anything could ******* happen.

We rekindled on a leap year
Through phone guise
I saw her
Beautiful pixie eyes

With ebb and flow
Over distance
Kindred flames
Soaked in similar essence

Her in her world
Me in mine
Our only focus
Was eachothers time

We want to test the waters
With bated breath
She booked a flight
And so, we met

We found it
What we all crave
The effortless love
I think it was a Wednesday

We will be wed
We are a team
As scary as it is
This is our dream

To find that happiness
Is truly a blessing
If you buy me a beer
You'll get an invite to the wedding.

On my own
I think, alone
Dreams and situations
Try my hand at foresight

It always turns out
Different.

My charm and wit
My charismatic influence
All gos to ****
On my own.

I was once
More than I am
Once, I felt
More alive.

On my own.

The poems I wrote
You didn't read.

I was trying
To communicate.

The threats you dished out
The compliance you required
The more you wanted
Just bottled me up.

Now, you are someone else
Someone I wouldn't bother with
A memory that pains me
A topic I try to avoid.

I tried
Pieces within have died
I have no choice but to use my voice
To try and regain some pride.

I have built myself up
I have a beautiful friend by my side
I have recreated myself in such a way
The old me wouldn't recognise.

This is the last one I write
The last one you won't read.

It doesn't matter what you think
Or how you feel
I have cut ties...

Tell the kids, Dad says Hi.

When ever you're ready
Im ready.

We'll figure it out
We'll make it work.

This tangled web
Has become knotted
Uncomfortable and confusing
But, it is ours.

I've got something
To tell you
You may embrace
You may repel.

I can't contain
This emotion within
I will decide that tact
Is not required.

Open book
**** the consequences
As you will only feel them
If you choose to.

I'm gonna marry her
You're gonna have a step Mum
There is this new family
That is keen to meet you.

You don't have to choose
You can have both
And why wouldn't you decide
Both sides?

When ever you're ready
I'm ready.

This spare room
Is yours.

She's younger than me maybe
She likes me, no conditions apply
I fall deep and stay deep
When I see her smile from her eyes.
Shes been through the ringer
A life many would've given up
But she pushed through, maybe for her kids
Maybe for the hope of true love.
I've made promises I intend to keep
A life we've chosen to live
I will love and adore, cherish and more
Than I ever will or have done before.
There are complications to endure
Issues to sift and sort
Movements to make, risks to take
And furniture to be bought.

Fuckn bring it.

I have made an ode to be the man
She has needed, never to forget
To share a life one hundred percent
And bring home the milk and bread.

Ive been here 3 weeks
And this pain in my head
Wont cease

I eat ok
And the drinking has slowed
Perhaps this pressure
Is due to work load

I awake at 5
I must sleep at 9
In order to get
The sleep I require

To awake at 5.

My kids don't miss me
My ex fukn hates me
Or maybe she doesn't
It's hard to tell...

My new love is all I have
We have plans I intend to keep
She is the first thing I think of
And the last before I go to sleep.

When I get home
I sit in my empty house
With nothing to do
For 2 days.

I sleep on the plane
I eat at the pub
I eat in my office
I eat in my car.

I have all this money
But no time
For love
Or life.

This is not living
This is an existence.

The buzz of the front bar
Ignites the senses
I am here
For the noise and movement.

This pain in my head
Still wont cease
And I've only been here
For 3 weeks.

Found love
There she is
On the other side
Of my phone

Screen shots
Texts and snaps
Messenger messages
Phone calls and face time

She is so far
Or is it me?

I will marry her
As, she is my queen
And I cannot be king
Without her

This torrid affair
Was not our intent
The heart wants
What the heart wants

Regardless

The pieces fit
So perfectly snug
Til when, til whenever
This is love.

Red light.

Breathe broken breaths
Clench tighter than before
Blink twice, just to hold back
Nuisance tears.

Disconnect eye contact
Take the deep breath slowly
To deter detection
Of the emptiness within.

Missed calls
Unanswered texts
Notifications mount
Too much for the weak angels.

Responsibility wolves
Gnashing their jowls
Drooling their expectation
Dog food breath on the back of neck.

Tiny frame tightening
Plastic teeth clenched
Eyes, now as bitter slits
Crumpled paper expression...

Green light,

Foot down.

Alone we sit, in stillness
On my shoulders you rest your weight
My sweet sorrow, my bitter tears
Endure this present state.

We talk of pasts and futures
Of nows and thens and ifs
Me mumble and stammer
But understand every word.

You cure my ills with confidence
Caress my soul with your aches
I commit to now and every day forward
Until the bow it breaks.

As days surpass into eves
I yearn for your warmth, your glow
As chaos decides which path to ****
Hold hands tight, my sweet sorrow.

I used to be ten
I had my first kiss then
Then I blinked
And I was forty.

I remembered her
But we drifted away
She remembered me
From so far away.

We lived our own lives
Trauma, pain and angst
Breaking and rebuilding
Finding our way.

We fell in love with others
We started our own families
But somewhere, out there
She still breathed and thought of me.

As fate would have it
I kissed her again
Sometime in July.

As destiny would have it
I loved her again
Sometime in August.

As my choices would have it
A decision is made
In my hearts mind
I'm hers, she's mine.

Christmas lights are tangled
This may take a while
I may need silence
I may need space

It's all too much sometimes.

To the furthest point
Deep in the cave
You'll find me
Untangling lights

She comes hunting
Venturing, cautious
Torch lit, tread carefully
I'm back there somewhere

As the light piercers the darkness
I am crounched, head down
Lights entwined and draped
Look up in fear and curiosity

I see her

She understands

She grabs a bunch of cable

And she helps with the unravelling.

The sobs can be heard
From the entrance
The beautiful pain
We share and heal together.

We'll have tinsel this year.

From what everything once was,
To what everything is now.

Prickles from baby plant talons,
Paper cuts with a hint of sting
Under skin, now paper thin,
ESP now inevitably seen.
Warmth from lost souls,
Misery loves company,
They always have to leave,
Collectable core memories.

Electricity and water
Lessen the resistivity,
Flow over scars as tar feathered,
Healing as they go,
As they glow.
Stalemate black and white affection,
Gloves off, butterfly acceptance,
Just let it bee...
Naked flame of you and me.

Calm water mirror reflections,
No stones thrown today,
Ripples stay in past skims of stones
In other streams, perhaps dreams.
For the now, in this small present,
Give cheese to the skies,
Relect from far away clouds and stars
To reserved hearts.

From what everything is now,
To what everything will be.

Rose coloured eyes
From across the room
Fate not yet
But soon

Our time is coming

You diamond
I'll see you later

Chauffeured home
Bodies alone

Our time is coming

(B)
Collecting memories
Of us and you and me
Open skies and gestured eyes
Every day and all the nights

Our time is here.

She talks a lot
And sometimes, not at all
She is always tired
But finds it hard to sleep
She has the weight of the world
On her little shoulders
And scars from decisions
She made in her youth.

She has a torrid past
Vague and complicated
Scared of going out alone
Because the world is a scary place
She has been used
She has been abused
Broken, distorted
And treated as a fool.

This dark haired fragile angel
Is my world
Her strength gives me strength
And I give her mine
We have allowed eachother
To finally exhale
After so many years
Of holding our breath.

She is not perfect
But, to me, she is
She makes me feel again
Like art should.

Found you
I wont let go
This dream
Shared by two
You got me
And, I want you to
Get me
As you do.

The only light
In this dark
The only truth
I want to hear.
Early days
But it feels like decades
And I wouldn't change
A thing.

In her
I see
Myself
As me

In me
I see
Her
Eternally

I found her
As she found me
Her beautiful soul
And perspective beauty
She got me
And I wouldn't have it
Any
Other
Way

Sundee
Lazy arv
Everything
In its right place

Make the time
To help future me
Do it now
Later is too late

Keep moving
Organise small futures
Tiny goals
Baby fireworks wins

Pub for dinner
Alone.

Take the time
To get dressed up
To smell delectable
Even though I'm on my own.

Be nice
Smile and listen
Retort in my own way
To incite thought and emotion.

Eat my *******
In the dining room
With families and friends
On my own, table 46.

Cheers, hoo roo.

Take the bins out
Calm the lounge fire
Prep work clothes for tomorrow
Curl up in the silence.

Lazy eve
Sundee.

The storm is calming finally
To a calm exhale breeze
There was times
I had dust
In my eyes
But now
The well is full (both of them)
And, I am
Content and safe.

Lightening, horizon bound
As I've found
This twisted reflection
Smiles back.

The pain is always temporary
You too, will look back
And smile your beautiful smile
The beautiful inside smile you always hide.

As a human, hunting happiness
And finding it,
It is my duty
To hope you find yours.

I believe in you
Good luck.

I saw her, for the first time
On the other side of the glass
Patiently, I sat crossed legged
To feel the first embrace

The touch of her skin
The feel of the kiss on her face
I waited there
Fireworks within

I held her close and tight
Her scent of strawberry and sweets
As she wrapped her arms around me
I felt as I was home and safe

Hometown pains and wonders
Photos of postcodes
The proudest chauffeur
Holding hands at 110

Admitting our faults
Our horrible histories
Our defects and additions
To our now naked bodies

Endless banter, factual and humour
Bouncing off of walls and eachother
Beers and ***** and pizza
We talked as if weve known eachother forever
Falling asleep naked
In the middle of the day
Eggs Benedict and pear cider
Come in, we're awesome

Hot tubs and expensive reds
Fruchocs, dark chocolate with mint
Dressed to the nines
Is where I made her mine

No TV, just music and squeezes
Sensual ******* passions
Climbed trees in the rain
Tested beds in showrooms
Spilled drinks and kicked over *** plants
Sang songs of our playlist
And her kiss
Was that of an angel I once knew

I will not defer
It is all for her
I will cherish this twin flame
Under the same star
No matter how far away we are.

I have never had a memory so pure
So I am sure
That she is mine
And I am hers

X

Just before
We were saying good morning
Sharing meals
Laughing at jokes we made

Just before
We had our own language
Her stories took ages to tell
I still listened

Just before
She held me goodbye
Longer than usual
Marshmallows by fires

Just before
She wrapped her legs
Around mine and smiled
Just passing time

Waiting for Mum
To pick her up.

Nerves rattle
Like an old fridge
Shudder and spasm
**** water from beneathe.

Concentration evades
Yet I am see-through
Crumpled cellophane
In a ****** church window.

You know all of me
Better than I.

All these edges
Cigs, ****, ****, love
I have become
A square.

Every vice
Is crushing my soul.

Tensions build
Erupt on the inside
I crush up my fists
Like paper cups.

Conclusion a distant illusion
Salted with confusion
I asked for well done
Only ever get blue

It must get worse
Before it gets beautiful.