It's breaking
It's broken
Anxiety
Awoken
Internal pains
Unspoken.

Sky at my feet
Head in the sand
Nothing sufficient
Close by or on hand.

It's broken
It's shattered
All I've loved
Never mattered
Cruel
Hindsight.

Time may heal
But present burns
Tomorrow unforeseen
Splintered tables turn.

It's broken
It's on fire
My love, my passion
My drive and desire.

This poor heart
Will never know
The riches gone begging.

Minutes away
Seconds away
Don't go out of your way
It's ok.

You go, I'll stay
You grow, I'll decay.

I'm killing myself
And she can't see
The blood from the bruises
The sky from the sea.

It's probably my fault
It's probably just me
It'll probably blow over
Until next swing.

Walking backwards
Breaking apart
Losing my grasp
On her heart.

Silly little man
Cannot contain
All the ******* emotions
And words from his brain.

She'll just ignore it
She'll just go quiet
I'll just apologise
I'll just bottle it.

Second place to the grind
I'm seconds away
But you want to be early
While I just decay.

Selfish boy, you'll never grow up
You just want the love
But she's too busy
And it's never enough.

Take a breath, take a second
To realise, she's broken too
She's trying her best...
It's not all about you.

Embarrassed and poor
Asleep on the floor
Greed and demons
Just wanting more,
An ancient enemy
Again becomes friend
Taking the money
I don't want to spend,
Clouded by past
Time removes truth
As no one can remember
What I had to lose,
Well, I lost it all
As I couldn't fight
As I am so weak
And they are a Titan,
It started so pure
Just a button to touch
And the colourful songs
We danced and such,
But the bets went up
And the ante increased
No such luck
To the poor and deceased.
The tiny victories
Kept us fed
Surely our luck
Would outweigh the odds,
As we pressed on
So close to the win
The demons around me
Become within,
Swallowed by guilt
Self blame and self hate
This life I once loved
Became sedate.

Silence outside
Chaos within
Crisis of self
Emotional intelligence mute.

Ghosts walk by without word
Loneliness engulfs
Breaking my own heart
On my own.

She breaks too
Selfishly lick my own wounds
I don't want to die
But feel I may soon.

Hallway smiles
Deep issues denied
We fall silent, waiting for the other
To be recognised.

I walk out to the desert
To recollect and exhale
As this pain I contain
Should not be shared.

When I break, she breaks
As I am all she has
And she is all I need
Yet, I continue to bleed.

I have done nothing
And I'm all out of ideas
So I mask my pains with quick jokes
And a hundred beers.

Dying on the inside
With no way to explain
With no way to obtain
The happiness I once had.

Trying to learn in the moment
When I have already broken
I see her in pieces
But nothing is spoken.

This will not be easy
This will not be straight forward
This will be fickle and anxious
This will test both of us.

Experience with me, if you will
Delicate love and violent lust
Coordinate life with me
Bills and dishes and responsibilities.

Work for the majority
We will not see eachother
Use all the platforms
In hope the other will respond.

Days off spent reigniting
How was your week, how was mine
Locking in our past adoration
I love you, I married you, this is fine.

It is a battle, a war, a love genocide
Which we, in arms, fight side by side
For the future of love, of our love
Which no one may coincide.

We will tenaciously ignore
All attempts, all temptations
That this silly world offers
As they offer only hollow endings.

Internal struggles will test
The repoir we have manifested
Purity of heart and filth of mind
No ******* where we have nested.

It is glorious, indifferent to all else
None may dim our lustre
"Forevermore" is not just a word
It is an infallible statement we honour.

We shall grow old and weary
We'll get gross and grey and lose elasticity
But, we'll do it together
And we shall love one another dearly.

It took 40 years to find her
Don't forget, this won't be easy
But, I solemnly swear, on my heart,soul and receding hair
That I will love her until I am dead.

Evaporate and wither
Hindsight is the killer
Take a breath for certain death
Allow anxiety to simmer

Tighten breast, invisible crest
Failing to deliver
Moment spent without change
Empty pockets for the filler

Embrace love once more
To relieve the weary traveller
Break the hearts of children
Without the use of filter

Saddened by the truths
The only way to suffer
Trick the mind to find the peace
Cry with one another

Climb that ladder darlin
Let them know who's boss
Complete all expectations
Take all the money.

Do all the extras
Assist the other crews
Grind and exhaust yourself
It will all be worth it.

Welcome home
You're tired and can't be bothered
Crawl into a ball and sleep
You've only got 3 days.

I miss you and you say you miss me
But all you talk about is work
I ask you how your day was
So, we at least talk.

I see your kids
They ask how you are
I say "she's fine"
But, I don't really know.

You see people in town
You know them from work
You say hello and have a talk
And I stand there, awkwardly.

I've been here over 20 years
You've been here for 3
This was my home, but now
It seems, it's yours.

Maybe, you can have it
Maybe,  I should move on
But, I am stuck with anxiety and depression
So I'll just stand there, awkwardly.

You've never had this presence
This power of knowing the system
The strength of knowing your area
And the respect that comes with it.

I feel, you have outgrown me
Your niche knowledge and strength
I am just a feeble contractor
Working for the man, not the entity.

It won't surprise me
If you move on and leave
You're welcome for the exposure
I apologise for the grief.

Thankyou for being my first kiss
My first love
I hope you find happiness
With a man stronger than I.

Please keep all the moments
Do not regret our time
I killed myself bringing you to me
I should've went to you.

I offered you the bone
You ate the entire pack.

Disconnect.

Doom scroll
Netflix
Stare into the abyss.

I miss
The excitement of her kiss
Her embrace
Her smiling face.

The algorithm is false
Only causing distress
Only causing
Disconnect.

The silence gets louder
The more I listen
I cannot switch off
I cannot learn.

Suicidal
Just keep it to yourself
Don't make them worry
They have their own concerns.

My brain doesn't work anymore
Just exists
In a pool of its own secretion
Vinegar and ****.

Try to numb the nothingness
With alcohol and togetherness
But it just starts the fire again
I want to disappear.

Cannot find the pain
To entice the tears to make it seem
Like I am on this edge
Desensitised to it all.

Never tired but always fatigued
Sleeping sound with dreams abound...

There is something terribly wrong
Loneliness screams it's off tune song.

I want to forget
All this ******* in my head
I want to control
How I feel about it all.

I want
To disconnect.

The battle within
Made up stories
It will tear us apart
As it tears me apart
I am not myself
I cannot contain this angst
I must change
Or die in the remains
She doesn't understand
I can't explain
All just silly riddles
Inside my silly brain
I'll just keep it to myself
Just hold it deep
Just let her sleep
As the demons creep

Keep it to yourself
As no one cares.

The highs.

Hold your breath exhilaration
Glowing from over stimulation
Internally explode from joy
Outside old man, inside little boy.

The caress to calm all insecurity
A touch to tame the mad beast
Nothing can ever go wrong again
Confidence and ability a friend.

The lows.

Run from it all, hide away
Deep breaths to keep the demons at bay
No one understands, how can they
When explanations only decay.

Fantasise self harm
Dream of dying in the desert
Alone with friends and lover
**** me before I feel it all over.

Every emotion is felt in extreme
Unable to regulate the in-between
Cannot control the high or the low
It is killing me and nobody knows.

Besotted, disgruntled
Unable to calm.
Keep the skin ******
Do no self harm.

Take a breath, two if you must
In the process, you have to trust
Ignore the fiends
Forget the lust.

Stop the mind train
And brain thoroughfare
You're doing OK
As if you care.

You've gone too far
To let it all slip
Just give it a minute
Feelings will flip.

You'll be happy again in no time.

Heartbreak subsides
It has been years
Mistrust does not visit
Nor feeds pointless fears
Discomfort has gone
Homeless and cold
Bad memories grow algae
Grey hairs and mold

She holds me longer
Than I need to be held
She squeezes out the pain
And kisses away my Hell
She cuddles me perfectly
As if I was fading away
She tells me she loves me
In her actions, everyday

I do not fret about loneliness
I will never be lonely again
She holds my hand so sweetly
She is my forever best friend
I have wished for this love
For forever and a day
Now I have it, now we have it
Only love may stay.

I'm 4/3
But I'm away every fortnight.
She's 7/7
But she usually does extras.

4 days on, 3 days off.
7 days on, 7 days off, 7 nights on, 7 days off.

When she's on days
We get about 3 to 4 hours together
When she's on nights
We "hot bed".

I awake and go to work,
She gets home and goes to bed.
The bed is still warm...
But I still jump into a cold bed.

We have 3 full days together
When I'm on break
The first day and a half
Is spent catching up on sleep and ***.

I miss her horribly
And she misses me
Maybe that's why we refer to the wife
As the "missus".

I am struggling to develop
I am struggling to evolve
I just eat pizza and drink beer
And stare at my phone.

I'm definitely missing something
The "on ramp" to an identity
For some reason, she still loves me
But, I hate me.

I am sweet, I am kind
In bed, **** gets wild
I am hard working
As is she; maybe it's me.

This is why I write...

To get the **** out....

To make it real, to fukn feel...

Something.

To reflect on where I'm at
It's not for you to read
This is for me
We'll probably never meet.

I have exhaled,
Accepting my situation,
And it's not too bad,
Apologies for wasting your time.

As you were.

Sometimes, I feel it's not working
I run made-up scenarios in my head
Like, something is wrong
Because of what I did or what I said.

I obsess about where she is
If she's OK and if she's thinking about me
Why she hasn't responded yet
I try to keep it all together.

An insecurity I've never had
An ego issue perhaps
I know she's OK, I know she loves me
But these voices inside still persist.

When I see her it's golden
Nothing could ever go wrong
I don't do alone as well as I used to
I just sit, and stare on my lonesome.

Everything has changed
Maybe it's me
I'll give it some time and we'll see
If I **** this up.

I can't undo what I've done,
I can't go back,
This may all be a terrible mistake.

Created a new world,
While the other world rots,
I am my father's son,
And I hate that man.

So what? Just up and leave?
No, I cannot,
Push through the heartache,
Until it dissolves.

Moody *****,
Keep it to yourself,
This is what a man does,
This is how I have been trained.

I chose this,
Without knowing how it would be,
And now that I know how it is,
I am unsure that this is what I want.

I miss my kids, they miss me,
I told them I'd never ghost them,
The last promise, before I disappeared,
Only to reappear every 2 weeks.

I'm... a bit... stuck,
Trying to give a ****,
Trying to make a decision,
Trying to stay in love.

Left to my own devices
I try to eat at suitable times
Try to keep up the routine
But idle hands are the devils plaything.

Stay busy, talk to people
Socialise to stave off the sadness
But, these people don't know me
And I'm tired of explaining.

The house is clean enough
Footy on in the background
Just for the noise
Just for the sound.

7 or so beers later
I just walk into the desert
No rhyme or reason
Just to move and do something.

I return home, nothing has changed
Everything remains the same
So I sit, and I stare
At the top of my empty beer.

She'll be home in 3 sleeps
I could be dead by then
Funny, how dependant I am on her existence
I miss my wife, my best friend.

When she's gone, I'm so lost
Wandering around doing nothing
No drive, I just don't feel alive
No identifiable characteristics.

I should probably eat.

Disconnected temporarily
Write off the identity
Just to forget
Just to select, another option.

Love from afar
Eyes and heart ajar
Deep breath swallowed
Hold it during the changes.

Texts and missed calls
Do not disturb
Just let a soul rest
In this duvet nest.

Evolve momentarily
Fatigue deep and clinging
Sigh a decision
Continue the mission.

Fill the void
Moving pictures and noise
Distractions are a curse
But life could be worse.

Hold my hand
Hold it tight
Even if I twist and stir
Through the night.

I should be alright.

Question my intent
Not what I meant
I should've said
What wasn't in my head.

I think I'm alright.

Distance myself
For no reason
Ball into uncomfort
Maybe from envy.

I'm not alright.

Silly boy
Making jokes
Making faces
Making them laugh at your expense.

Now look at you...

Overly sensitive
Overly attached
Easily broken
Ridiculously outspoken.

Lost in a dream
Self made scenarios
Killing yourself
With laughter.

You launched to a height
And plateaued
Unhappy with what you have
Unhappy with who you are.

Do them a favour
And shut up
Do them a favour
Just leave.

Silly man child
Dressed up like a clown
Fill a room with your tears
And drown.

In my stomach, something churns
I feel it, wanting to evolve
A pressure, a nerve
A pain I need to resolve.
Something amiss
As I half clench a fist
And I wish
For this angst to cease and dismiss.

I try to keep it to myself
But I can't keep a secret
I feel I must be patient
And it will go away.
Just forget
The sleepless nights
Just forget
The petty fights.

Just apologise
Just look in her eyes
Just give her the space
She never wanted before.
Sit with your demons
Feed them their poison
Let them consume you
Allow their embrace.

She said "it's just weird"
So, I listened and switched off
All notifications
As she deserves her freedom.
Perhaps I don't understand
Perhaps she couldn't explain
Perhaps I have to find a middle ground
Where we can reunite again.

Give it time.

They work differently than we
Their indifference bores me.

I'm on my own,
All the time.

What have I done?

I don't get replies
She's too busy
And when she replies
She doesn't get it...

I feel this way.

I didn't think this would be the way
It would be
When I said
I do.

No fine print to read
These kids, so fukn clingy
Tough as a pensioners ****
They're **** all.

Got myself loose
On my own
Cos she was working
Cos that's her poison.

She'd rather do extras
And assist her crew
Than help us evolve
Me and her and them.

I watch her, and I don't know why
But I have a degree of mistrust
Maybe it's her, maybe it's them
Maybe it's me.

Heavy hate in my heart
Sleep will be difficult
But, I will try
On an empty mattress.

I predict she'll never read this.

We found eachother when we were 10
She became my sweetest friend
I always moved house and so did she
Then we moved again and again

We lost touch, she became a memory
Fading away to the back of my mind
I was in mining, she was a carer
But really, I knew nothing of her.

She made a family, as did I
Children to tend to, money to make
Living our lives, doing our thing
Separate worlds, never to entwine.

Then, things went to ****
In her world and mine.

I soon turned 40, I was online
A message recieved, it was her
To say Happy Birthday
And wish me all the best.

I couldn't resist.

I replied, with joy, excitement and humour
I couldn't believe I was conversing with her
Sentences spilled onto my phone
Back and forth, day in, day out.

Weeks passed this way, until the day
We decided to meet once again
Already awe struck, intent was assured
Coals, turned embers turned raging inferno.

A repoir like no other I have ever felt
Soon became an addiction
I had to be with her, she was all I wanted
And she felt the same, she felt the same.

So, she moved from what she knew
Her children close behind
To the middle of nowhere, just for me
I was in mining, she was a carer.

We married, hopelessly in love
Our families accepted our bond
3 years later, I can't wait to see her
Everyday, after work.

Coffee and conversation
Good mornings and endless affection
Support and admiration
I was in mining, now she's in mining.

Any alteration to scenarios before we met
Could have changed the result
But, life has a way, as does love
Any other life would be an insult.

Happiness is a choice
And I choose her
Every day, for the rest of my life
I choose my wife.

Give me a minute
To set my mind straight
So much has happened
I just...
Need a minute.

Let me soak it in
Let me compute
Just... let me realise
How I feel about this.

My first response will be wrong
Untrusted, irrational and hasty
Just, let me take another bite
To see how it settles inside me.

This is how I operate
I've spent so much time alone
So, I need some time alone
To hear the lyrics of this scenario.

I just...

Need a minute.

Lately
I've had a lot going on
In my head

Self created self hatred
Self doubt mystery complications
Being an absolute fool
While she's been on nightshift

Left to my own devices
Self destruction ensues
Create scenarios in my stupid head
Unworthy, idiotic male
Everything to date has been a fail
So why not this, why not now?
Grow up boy.

Flick and click my fingers
Uneasy in my skin
For reasons silly and immature
Stories I create and twist and spin.

Wake up.

Shut down your ego
Slow your train of thought
Calm and moderate your habits
They are the devils playthings.

You're not thinking straight.

Idiot.

Curl up in a cold room
But, you have control
Sleep in a shiver ball
Fool.

If you had the time
I could explain
But, I'd get sidetracked
And I wouldn't get my point across.

What I want to say
What I think
What I feel
And what I say
Is a poor ratio.

I can't say I won't be this way in the future
As I am a mere male
But... I will try.

Without this understanding woman
Her beautiful particularities
And knowing full well
She married an idiot

I would be a terrible mess
Of paranoia and stress
Unable to apologise
Stupid righteous ego.

She was right
I was mistaken
Without any particular scenario
As it was all a dream.

Sorry,
Not sorry.

Sick in the stomach
The demons are twisting, entwining
Gnashing and grinding
Clawing at my weaknesses.

Screaming inside me
Bellows from beneath the skin
Thriving on my insecurities
The demons, they feed endlessly.

I fall prey to their strength
Allow them to nest within me
As I sit alone...
Dreamless and pitiful.

**** it,

Let them feed.

Ready to go.

Bags packed,
The time is nigh,
Leave the phone
On charge, history deleted.

Wallet in the top drawer,
No note.

No rhyme or reason,
No destination,
My life expectancy
Is one.

Relieve the pressure,
On an amber sand dune,
Spill the angst,
Amber turns crimson.

Wait and reflect,
Fatigues embrace
Takes its icy hold,
Embed the husk, dead sand angel.

Pass on my condolences
To the family.

Ready to go.

Growing strength within
Clawing from the inside
Numbing the feeling
Dulling the colour.
Devour the drive
Manifesting the hoard
Feast on the love
Inexorable hunger.

I smile, I say I'm ok
In my cast iron mask.

These demons want out
I am too weak
Too feeble
Too far gone.

Fingers entwined
As we walk
Adoration gazes
In peripherals.
Security squeezes
Stopped in the hallway
For the sweetest kiss
On the way to the kitchen.
Comfortable silence
On the couch
Never too far away
From my love.

Juggle the wants and needs
In a spotlight for all to see
Laughing and pointing
From the grandstand at me
Applauding and hissing
An extra in your movie
Just passing through
Nothing to see here
The blood is just tomato sauce
The tears are only rain
The scars are all clay and make up
The mask hides all the pain
I only feel the bad
The angst, anger, fear and hate
Desensitised to love and adoration
From the world I chose to create
When we talk
You're not talking to me
I am shell of who I used to be
A husk of a human entity
It has all gone amiss
I cannot juggle anymore
Exhausted and ready for hospice
This jester, in the spotlight, on the floor.

She's quiet tonight
After our conversation
I had an opinion
Then she went quiet.
Her responses are weak
Her mannerisms timid
I can feel my anger building
But I internalise the demon.
I do not sleep well
Nor does she
I can hear her breathing
I know when she's asleep.
She wakes me unintentionally
I feel I barely slept
She apologises and leaves for work
While I listen to every footstep.
I cannot concentrate at work
Basic responses to trivial questions
I do just enough
To defer any suspicion.
I want her to say I'm wrong
That she doesn't agree
But she internalised her demon
Just like me.

Our struggles make us who we are
The blatent cracks in our armour,
The pain we breathe on our own
Must be exhaled with eachother.

Accepting flaws is human
No one owns perfection,
Take a breath, take some time
And come back when you're ready.

It's ok to be wrong
It's ok to feel out of sorts,
Control your reactions
Control your thoughts.

The answers are there
If you choose to seek,
Share your pain with those you love
Cry, eat and sleep.

I miss them.

Secretly, selfishly I want to return,
To be a part of their broken lives,
Which I had a hand in breaking.

I miss the familiar chaos,
The insults in jest,
The tears and the depth,
I just miss it.

I am so alone now,
Living two lives,
With a family I have no history with,
But with a woman I am so deeply in love with.

I need a common ground,
A painful compromise,
I am missing out,
On being a father to my children.

They need me,
And I need them,
They have gone so astray,
As have I.

They have grown up,
They are growing up,
And I am just a fortnightly event,
Never really present.

No amount of apologies,
Can make up for my vacancy,
I cannot be myself here,
Not fully.

I love my wife,
I love my new family,
I married into this,
But, the vows didn't represent reality.

I feel I am breaking,
I feel I am losing them,
I feel I have no control,
In raising them.

I will have to change this,
They will gain a day,
And she will have to sacrifice a day,
I'm sorry (again), but I need this.

Hanging by a tendon.
Feelings have teeth,
Isolate the soul,
To feel... something.
No reasoning,
Irate simply because.
Prickles behind shallow eyes...
Something is wrong.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

May have been here before,
The same feelings of angst,
Familiar internal screams,
Writhing and twisted within.
Tense, blank, and fickle,
Lost in a world under skin,
Greying out the love,
To feel... something.

Just need a minute
To exhale.

Alien home,
Out of place,
Skin doesn't fit,
Like once hoped.
Unsure how to continue,
The mask is back on,
Deep breaths,
Just get some sleep.

Just need a minute
To dream.

I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

May it all fall in your lap
With minimal effort,
And desired results.

May you sleep sound with a clear conscience.

Undisturbed, at peace with your past.
May your trauma be slight and easily managed, making your life exciting and full of love.

I wish you this, as I battle against icy winds, adorned in old blankets, weeks unwashed.
Addictions unbreakable as the ignorance is bliss, social interactions often threatening and violent, lips blistered and skin weathered, all my belonging together in a shopping cart I stole last week. A hot meal is just a dream, but when achieved, is enjoyed in the shadows of the city, often eaten with my buckled, white knuckle hands. I don't ask for money anymore, as the colour has drained from my eyes and hair, and the strangers don't care, they are always in a rush somewhere, with everything but nothing to spare. When I die, noone will be notified, noone will cry, I will be simply a gross memory for a medic, having to drag my corpse from wherever I am, reeking of misery, loneliness and feces.

I wish you all the best.

20 years fade away
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

Take a larger slice
I can handle it.

Shake the bottle
Breathe deeper
Get brave
Just to feel something.

Yesterday catches up to today
Memories evade
Due to choices
Made.

The pain was temporary
Until it stayed
Until it took a slice
Of the cake I made.

Click click, click click
Scroll the wheel
Move the mouse
Click click, click click
Stare at the screen
So close to my face
Load bearing pole
Directly behind my chair

Scope, quote, execute, invoice
Click click, click click
Archive, delete, red flag
Corporate buzz words mean nothing
Click click, click click
I am living this insanity
To stay alive
And out of jail

Life becomes repetitive
Leave the office, to the pub
Click click, click click
I only talk to you because you work with me
Good weekend? Go **** yourself
This is not a life
We are prisoners, unable to escape
Due to the threat of poverty

Two days off, sleep in
Turn off the alarms
Wander around lifeless
With no cause, no drive
Unsupervised, barely alive
No direction that I can derive
Weekend's over as a new night dies
Back to the grind.

Click
Click
Click
Click

Tomorrow
I'm gon exist
Just play the fukn game
Grind n twist
Extinguish spot fires
Do my job
It doesn't matter
Take the money
She loves me
Hit the vape
Too many
Cutla bevs
Not enough
Tomorrow
Gon get it done.

Stay employed...

Every second bat of the eye
The dreams creep
Of who I should've been
And the disgust of who I am now
This silly simple man
With stupid silly answers
To your overly intelligent questions
Go **** yourself
As my ending argument...

I am not this
This stupid fukn job
It's just what I do
To pay the the government
I am full of bitterness
I am full of love
I am full of everything beneath
And everything above.

I'll be there tomorrow
Maybe a bit late
Maybe a bit hazy
But, I'll be there...

I will give
As much of me
As I choose to give
As much as I feel you require,
You won't get my fire
You haven't earned it
I leave that as backup spare
To those that actually fukn care.

*****.

Life.

This is it.

Have a sip
You're done
Votes are in
Fail to win.

The end game is on its way
Routine chores are here to stay
Every day is every other day
Work and bills, too old to play.

Every penny has its purpose
Discussions deep on every purchase
No need for surplus
Within the adult circus.

Grey hairs coloured brown
Every ache now makes a sound
Playlists come back around
Swim to retirement or drown.

Birthdays, Christmas every second week
Facebook posts so we don't have to speak
Floorboards and bones have the same creak
Eat, ****, drink, work, **** and sleep.

Soon enough, we can retire and die
Tears will well and children will cry
Photos kept will fade as time goes by
Front bar of the afterlife, drop in and say Hi.

She awakes at 4am
Tiptoes around the house
Just to allow the sleeping babes
To continue dreaming
Takeaway tea, crib sorted the night before
There she goes
Out the door.
Extras this swing
Perhaps 16 days all up
She grinds against the world
A woman in a mine.
Oranges on, PPE off her hip
Prestart, handover, warm tea to sip
Always smiling, even if defeated
Crib in the fridge, hopefully has time to eat.
Incidents, meetings, head up girl
The perceived pressure weighs heavy
On your sweat soaked shoulders
You've got this kid.
She gets home, shopping under arm
Straight to the kitchen
Cooking up a storm
Weary and worn, still smiling
She deals with kids issues
Alert, focused and attentive
Giving her all until she gets cold
Ready to rest her unbrushed head.

And there I am
In awe.

Goodnight my love
I will sort what you could not
Look after yourself tomorrow
Be safe, sweet dreams.

I've seen a strong man cry
Break down in my arms like a child
Then **** it up like all is fine
Beaten down by this cruel world.
The system is broken
And so are the men
We toil just to numb the pain
Drink and smoke to forget.
No annual leave left
To sleep in and organise life
No sick leave to watch a movie
Knock off and fall asleep.

The kids don't call
Nor do I
I miss being in their life
It kills me inside.

I'm a good liar
Showing a strong exterior
But I am breaking
It has taken some time.

Laziness and poor sleep
Turn off the car, almost weep
Take a breath, go inside
Say hello to the wife.

The pressure mounts
I feel it within
Not long now
Not long now.

You work at the mines mate?
You must be raking it in?!

"Awake at 5, sometimes before
Hivis and boots then out the door
No one to kiss goodbye
Just go.

Give a nod and half smile to nightshift
Sleep still in the eyes
Roll on in for prestart
A dingy container powered by a loud generator
Say g'day to the boys and the supervisor.

Get in trouble, for not being clean shaved
Apologies, forgot, all good, here's a razor
Dry shave, water lubricant
Try to complain but the money's too good.

8 more days, just push through the heat
Worn out boots and swollen feet
Paperwork galore, but wait, there's more
There's been an incident and my feet are sore.

The misso didn't text
The kids are a handful
She's 2 flights away so carry on
Just stay strong.

Head in the game, eyes on the job
We must prevent complacency
With reiterating the same thing
Over and over and over again.

We all dress the same
"King Gee" orange overalls
We all smell the same
Except for the supervisors.

Sulpher and acids and alarms and things
Risks and controls and signatures
Old mate forgot to sign on
He won't last, cos he forgot to sign on.

Eyes on task, line of fire, rah rah rah
Just get the job done
With an itchy face
And an idiot that won't shut up.

12hours of push
Crib breaks with strangers
The misso still hasn't touched base
Miss her touch and beautiful face.

Just realised, the shift is over
As the sun sets over the smelter
Pack up, *******, couple beers at the mess
Too tired to realise, she still hasn't text.

Boots and hivis left by the door
(**** my feet are sore)
Fast asleep before my head hits the bed
Awake at 5, do it again."

Yeah mate, it's not too bad...

They never loved us back

Our previous partners
We loved
But
They never loved us back

Miraculously we stumbled
Into eachothers path
I express my unique love
And you express it back

It feels so beautiful
So correct
To be loved back

The fridges in a line, their backs against the wall, test tags in date... probably.
They shudder in sync, making their contents jiggle just a bit.

Microwaves with coffee stains, you don't cook tuna in the crib room.

Baby packets of coffee and sugar, paddle pop sticks for a stirrer.

Food and sweat, cooked and fresh. The packs shuffle in, looking for phone charging points.

The scaffies play music, louder than they should, but the music is usually good... except when it's not.

Truckies boisterous, forked tongue, consume vendo pies, dead horse and a Coke on the side.

The pretty sentries, with eyelashes bolted on, stop to take selfies and add to their online stories.

Bosses stroll in, obligatory shoulder pats and one liners, confident and all knowing.

Cranies slow, but they know where to go, pre-packed, brown bag smoko.

Cheeky games of poker, money sorted later, boredom and sleepers, old school and keepers, green hats and newbies, fuckwits and legends... all gather, to the crib room, as if on queue.

For a feed, a graze, a nibble, a chew...

Cos a 12 hour shift is a fukn hard slog.

We grind the day, we achieve and fail,
Every day the same ****, but it's not,
Mornin old mate, lets go **** **** up
We'll catch up again during smoko.

Who would have thought
When I was 10
My first kiss
Would be my wife.

We are experiencing life
Its highs and lows
Blended family
Chaos and serenity.

The photos she shows me
I acknowledge and accept
As a time she wasn't mine
But would be.

Her memories in boxes
And in data on her phone
She shares with such passion
Of a time without me in them.

But, as we grow together
Her memories do too
And I get a place
In her data.

I see in her eyes
The beautiful girl
I kissed first in this life
I made her my wife.

Her strength and frailty
Her wisdom and idiocy
Are all beautiful traits
That I will be in awe forever more.

She projects her love
Like no other before
But she was the first
That I would adore.

I miss her after hours
Of not seeing her face
She has the most comfortable heart
And I have the most comfortable space.

There is no concern
Nor past instances of mistrust
Who would have thought
My first kiss would be my last.

I miss them
That is all
I just want the opportunity
To be their father

She twists my words
Confuses my focus
Belittles my strength
And diffuses my light

She tells them things
That we have spoken of
Adult conversation
Fed to children

It is killing me.

This loneliness
Has teeth and wings and muscle
It compresses and crushes
Filters and flushes.

I hope time heals this
I assume it will
Just flatten the line with poisons divine
When they arrive, ensure you're alive.

Brittle strength
Patient haste
Take a photo
Of your face
It will age
And you will forget
Who you were
And what we meant.

Conversation
Bounces around erratic
We still laugh
We still understand
No matter
How we live
Or how unclean
Our house is.

You are my friend
And I don't care
How much money you make
Or what you have saved
As long as the handshake
Is as solid as it was back then.

I never know what to write
Confronting the blank page
Many thoughts dance and swirl
I could write what I think, or what I feel.

It's up to me.

The freedom imprisons me
Locked up in my own wings...

Sometimes...

I just don't know what to write.

There are so many angles
So many feelings
So many thoughts
Just being an average human...

But if I write it to let it out
To inspire or perhaps incite
What right or wrong will be achieved
I'll just charge my phone goodnight.

Love is no longer an issue.

Now, others things must take precedence.

This is the go...

I left a destructive relationship,
I started again, and I chose wisely,
But, my children, left to go wild
Somehow, still love me.

Now, I reside in a household of 9
A broken family, we are the ties
We cook and clean and tend to them
We expect money for bills and rent.
Common areas are tidied
The dog is fed
We got them all jobs
To expose them to the cruelty of life.
Kids from 25 to 14
We have set them on a path
And we are there, to guide and confide
As long as they use their manners.

But, I left 3 behind...
It burns my heart and soul
As they are left to their own devices
Without me to shield from the cold.
So, with my love, we have a plan
To build a home for all
For freedom and growth and mistakes
To learn from and evolve.

It pains me, but, this is life
It is cold, and mean and unforgiving
Time will tell if these wounds heal
And this, is the point of living.