Disconnect.

Doom scroll
Netflix
Stare into the abyss.

I miss
The excitement of her kiss
Her embrace
Her smiling face.

The algorithm is false
Only causing distress
Only causing
Disconnect.

The silence gets louder
The more I listen
I cannot switch off
I cannot learn.

Suicidal
Just keep it to yourself
Don't make them worry
They have their own concerns.

My brain doesn't work anymore
Just exists
In a pool of its own secretion
Vinegar and ****.

Try to numb the nothingness
With alcohol and togetherness
But it just starts the fire again
I want to disappear.

Cannot find the pain
To entice the tears to make it seem
Like I am on this edge
Desensitised to it all.

Never tired but always fatigued
Sleeping sound with dreams abound...

There is something terribly wrong
Loneliness screams it's off tune song.

I want to forget
All this ******* in my head
I want to control
How I feel about it all.

I want
To disconnect.

The battle within
Made up stories
It will tear us apart
As it tears me apart
I am not myself
I cannot contain this angst
I must change
Or die in the remains
She doesn't understand
I can't explain
All just silly riddles
Inside my silly brain
I'll just keep it to myself
Just hold it deep
Just let her sleep
As the demons creep

Keep it to yourself
As no one cares.

The highs.

Hold your breath exhilaration
Glowing from over stimulation
Internally explode from joy
Outside old man, inside little boy.

The caress to calm all insecurity
A touch to tame the mad beast
Nothing can ever go wrong again
Confidence and ability a friend.

The lows.

Run from it all, hide away
Deep breaths to keep the demons at bay
No one understands, how can they
When explanations only decay.

Fantasise self harm
Dream of dying in the desert
Alone with friends and lover
**** me before I feel it all over.

Every emotion is felt in extreme
Unable to regulate the in-between
Cannot control the high or the low
It is killing me and nobody knows.

Besotted, disgruntled
Unable to calm.
Keep the skin ******
Do no self harm.

Take a breath, two if you must
In the process, you have to trust
Ignore the fiends
Forget the lust.

Stop the mind train
And brain thoroughfare
You're doing OK
As if you care.

You've gone too far
To let it all slip
Just give it a minute
Feelings will flip.

You'll be happy again in no time.

Heartbreak subsides
It has been years
Mistrust does not visit
Nor feeds pointless fears
Discomfort has gone
Homeless and cold
Bad memories grow algae
Grey hairs and mold

She holds me longer
Than I need to be held
She squeezes out the pain
And kisses away my Hell
She cuddles me perfectly
As if I was fading away
She tells me she loves me
In her actions, everyday

I do not fret about loneliness
I will never be lonely again
She holds my hand so sweetly
She is my forever best friend
I have wished for this love
For forever and a day
Now I have it, now we have it
Only love may stay.

I'm 4/3
But I'm away every fortnight.
She's 7/7
But she usually does extras.

4 days on, 3 days off.
7 days on, 7 days off, 7 nights on, 7 days off.

When she's on days
We get about 3 to 4 hours together
When she's on nights
We "hot bed".

I awake and go to work,
She gets home and goes to bed.
The bed is still warm...
But I still jump into a cold bed.

We have 3 full days together
When I'm on break
The first day and a half
Is spent catching up on sleep and ***.

I miss her horribly
And she misses me
Maybe that's why we refer to the wife
As the "missus".

I am struggling to develop
I am struggling to evolve
I just eat pizza and drink beer
And stare at my phone.

I'm definitely missing something
The "on ramp" to an identity
For some reason, she still loves me
But, I hate me.

I am sweet, I am kind
In bed, **** gets wild
I am hard working
As is she; maybe it's me.

This is why I write...

To get the **** out....

To make it real, to fukn feel...

Something.

To reflect on where I'm at
It's not for you to read
This is for me
We'll probably never meet.

I have exhaled,
Accepting my situation,
And it's not too bad,
Apologies for wasting your time.

As you were.