Sometimes, I feel it's not working
I run made-up scenarios in my head
Like, something is wrong
Because of what I did or what I said.

I obsess about where she is
If she's OK and if she's thinking about me
Why she hasn't responded yet
I try to keep it all together.

An insecurity I've never had
An ego issue perhaps
I know she's OK, I know she loves me
But these voices inside still persist.

When I see her it's golden
Nothing could ever go wrong
I don't do alone as well as I used to
I just sit, and stare on my lonesome.

Everything has changed
Maybe it's me
I'll give it some time and we'll see
If I **** this up.

I can't undo what I've done,
I can't go back,
This may all be a terrible mistake.

Created a new world,
While the other world rots,
I am my father's son,
And I hate that man.

So what? Just up and leave?
No, I cannot,
Push through the heartache,
Until it dissolves.

Moody *****,
Keep it to yourself,
This is what a man does,
This is how I have been trained.

I chose this,
Without knowing how it would be,
And now that I know how it is,
I am unsure that this is what I want.

I miss my kids, they miss me,
I told them I'd never ghost them,
The last promise, before I disappeared,
Only to reappear every 2 weeks.

I'm... a bit... stuck,
Trying to give a ****,
Trying to make a decision,
Trying to stay in love.

Left to my own devices
I try to eat at suitable times
Try to keep up the routine
But idle hands are the devils plaything.

Stay busy, talk to people
Socialise to stave off the sadness
But, these people don't know me
And I'm tired of explaining.

The house is clean enough
Footy on in the background
Just for the noise
Just for the sound.

7 or so beers later
I just walk into the desert
No rhyme or reason
Just to move and do something.

I return home, nothing has changed
Everything remains the same
So I sit, and I stare
At the top of my empty beer.

She'll be home in 3 sleeps
I could be dead by then
Funny, how dependant I am on her existence
I miss my wife, my best friend.

When she's gone, I'm so lost
Wandering around doing nothing
No drive, I just don't feel alive
No identifiable characteristics.

I should probably eat.

Disconnected temporarily
Write off the identity
Just to forget
Just to select, another option.

Love from afar
Eyes and heart ajar
Deep breath swallowed
Hold it during the changes.

Texts and missed calls
Do not disturb
Just let a soul rest
In this duvet nest.

Evolve momentarily
Fatigue deep and clinging
Sigh a decision
Continue the mission.

Fill the void
Moving pictures and noise
Distractions are a curse
But life could be worse.

Hold my hand
Hold it tight
Even if I twist and stir
Through the night.

I should be alright.

Question my intent
Not what I meant
I should've said
What wasn't in my head.

I think I'm alright.

Distance myself
For no reason
Ball into uncomfort
Maybe from envy.

I'm not alright.

Silly boy
Making jokes
Making faces
Making them laugh at your expense.

Now look at you...

Overly sensitive
Overly attached
Easily broken
Ridiculously outspoken.

Lost in a dream
Self made scenarios
Killing yourself
With laughter.

You launched to a height
And plateaued
Unhappy with what you have
Unhappy with who you are.

Do them a favour
And shut up
Do them a favour
Just leave.

Silly man child
Dressed up like a clown
Fill a room with your tears
And drown.

In my stomach, something churns
I feel it, wanting to evolve
A pressure, a nerve
A pain I need to resolve.
Something amiss
As I half clench a fist
And I wish
For this angst to cease and dismiss.

I try to keep it to myself
But I can't keep a secret
I feel I must be patient
And it will go away.
Just forget
The sleepless nights
Just forget
The petty fights.

Just apologise
Just look in her eyes
Just give her the space
She never wanted before.
Sit with your demons
Feed them their poison
Let them consume you
Allow their embrace.

She said "it's just weird"
So, I listened and switched off
All notifications
As she deserves her freedom.
Perhaps I don't understand
Perhaps she couldn't explain
Perhaps I have to find a middle ground
Where we can reunite again.

Give it time.