They work differently than we
Their indifference bores me.

I'm on my own,
All the time.

What have I done?

I don't get replies
She's too busy
And when she replies
She doesn't get it...

I feel this way.

I didn't think this would be the way
It would be
When I said
I do.

No fine print to read
These kids, so fukn clingy
Tough as a pensioners ****
They're **** all.

Got myself loose
On my own
Cos she was working
Cos that's her poison.

She'd rather do extras
And assist her crew
Than help us evolve
Me and her and them.

I watch her, and I don't know why
But I have a degree of mistrust
Maybe it's her, maybe it's them
Maybe it's me.

Heavy hate in my heart
Sleep will be difficult
But, I will try
On an empty mattress.

I predict she'll never read this.

We found eachother when we were 10
She became my sweetest friend
I always moved house and so did she
Then we moved again and again

We lost touch, she became a memory
Fading away to the back of my mind
I was in mining, she was a carer
But really, I knew nothing of her.

She made a family, as did I
Children to tend to, money to make
Living our lives, doing our thing
Separate worlds, never to entwine.

Then, things went to ****
In her world and mine.

I soon turned 40, I was online
A message recieved, it was her
To say Happy Birthday
And wish me all the best.

I couldn't resist.

I replied, with joy, excitement and humour
I couldn't believe I was conversing with her
Sentences spilled onto my phone
Back and forth, day in, day out.

Weeks passed this way, until the day
We decided to meet once again
Already awe struck, intent was assured
Coals, turned embers turned raging inferno.

A repoir like no other I have ever felt
Soon became an addiction
I had to be with her, she was all I wanted
And she felt the same, she felt the same.

So, she moved from what she knew
Her children close behind
To the middle of nowhere, just for me
I was in mining, she was a carer.

We married, hopelessly in love
Our families accepted our bond
3 years later, I can't wait to see her
Everyday, after work.

Coffee and conversation
Good mornings and endless affection
Support and admiration
I was in mining, now she's in mining.

Any alteration to scenarios before we met
Could have changed the result
But, life has a way, as does love
Any other life would be an insult.

Happiness is a choice
And I choose her
Every day, for the rest of my life
I choose my wife.

Give me a minute
To set my mind straight
So much has happened
I just...
Need a minute.

Let me soak it in
Let me compute
Just... let me realise
How I feel about this.

My first response will be wrong
Untrusted, irrational and hasty
Just, let me take another bite
To see how it settles inside me.

This is how I operate
I've spent so much time alone
So, I need some time alone
To hear the lyrics of this scenario.

I just...

Need a minute.

Lately
I've had a lot going on
In my head

Self created self hatred
Self doubt mystery complications
Being an absolute fool
While she's been on nightshift

Left to my own devices
Self destruction ensues
Create scenarios in my stupid head
Unworthy, idiotic male
Everything to date has been a fail
So why not this, why not now?
Grow up boy.

Flick and click my fingers
Uneasy in my skin
For reasons silly and immature
Stories I create and twist and spin.

Wake up.

Shut down your ego
Slow your train of thought
Calm and moderate your habits
They are the devils playthings.

You're not thinking straight.

Idiot.

Curl up in a cold room
But, you have control
Sleep in a shiver ball
Fool.

If you had the time
I could explain
But, I'd get sidetracked
And I wouldn't get my point across.

What I want to say
What I think
What I feel
And what I say
Is a poor ratio.

I can't say I won't be this way in the future
As I am a mere male
But... I will try.

Without this understanding woman
Her beautiful particularities
And knowing full well
She married an idiot

I would be a terrible mess
Of paranoia and stress
Unable to apologise
Stupid righteous ego.

She was right
I was mistaken
Without any particular scenario
As it was all a dream.

Sorry,
Not sorry.

Sick in the stomach
The demons are twisting, entwining
Gnashing and grinding
Clawing at my weaknesses.

Screaming inside me
Bellows from beneath the skin
Thriving on my insecurities
The demons, they feed endlessly.

I fall prey to their strength
Allow them to nest within me
As I sit alone...
Dreamless and pitiful.

**** it,

Let them feed.

Ready to go.

Bags packed,
The time is nigh,
Leave the phone
On charge, history deleted.

Wallet in the top drawer,
No note.

No rhyme or reason,
No destination,
My life expectancy
Is one.

Relieve the pressure,
On an amber sand dune,
Spill the angst,
Amber turns crimson.

Wait and reflect,
Fatigues embrace
Takes its icy hold,
Embed the husk, dead sand angel.

Pass on my condolences
To the family.

Ready to go.

Growing strength within
Clawing from the inside
Numbing the feeling
Dulling the colour.
Devour the drive
Manifesting the hoard
Feast on the love
Inexorable hunger.

I smile, I say I'm ok
In my cast iron mask.

These demons want out
I am too weak
Too feeble
Too far gone.