The highs.

Hold your breath exhilaration
Glowing from over stimulation
Internally explode from joy
Outside old man, inside little boy.

The caress to calm all insecurity
A touch to tame the mad beast
Nothing can ever go wrong again
Confidence and ability a friend.

The lows.

Run from it all, hide away
Deep breaths to keep the demons at bay
No one understands, how can they
When explanations only decay.

Fantasise self harm
Dream of dying in the desert
Alone with friends and lover
**** me before I feel it all over.

Every emotion is felt in extreme
Unable to regulate the in-between
Cannot control the high or the low
It is killing me and nobody knows.

Besotted, disgruntled
Unable to calm.
Keep the skin ******
Do no self harm.

Take a breath, two if you must
In the process, you have to trust
Ignore the fiends
Forget the lust.

Stop the mind train
And brain thoroughfare
You're doing OK
As if you care.

You've gone too far
To let it all slip
Just give it a minute
Feelings will flip.

You'll be happy again in no time.

Heartbreak subsides
It has been years
Mistrust does not visit
Nor feeds pointless fears
Discomfort has gone
Homeless and cold
Bad memories grow algae
Grey hairs and mold

She holds me longer
Than I need to be held
She squeezes out the pain
And kisses away my Hell
She cuddles me perfectly
As if I was fading away
She tells me she loves me
In her actions, everyday

I do not fret about loneliness
I will never be lonely again
She holds my hand so sweetly
She is my forever best friend
I have wished for this love
For forever and a day
Now I have it, now we have it
Only love may stay.

I'm 4/3
But I'm away every fortnight.
She's 7/7
But she usually does extras.

4 days on, 3 days off.
7 days on, 7 days off, 7 nights on, 7 days off.

When she's on days
We get about 3 to 4 hours together
When she's on nights
We "hot bed".

I awake and go to work,
She gets home and goes to bed.
The bed is still warm...
But I still jump into a cold bed.

We have 3 full days together
When I'm on break
The first day and a half
Is spent catching up on sleep and ***.

I miss her horribly
And she misses me
Maybe that's why we refer to the wife
As the "missus".

I am struggling to develop
I am struggling to evolve
I just eat pizza and drink beer
And stare at my phone.

I'm definitely missing something
The "on ramp" to an identity
For some reason, she still loves me
But, I hate me.

I am sweet, I am kind
In bed, **** gets wild
I am hard working
As is she; maybe it's me.

This is why I write...

To get the **** out....

To make it real, to fukn feel...

Something.

To reflect on where I'm at
It's not for you to read
This is for me
We'll probably never meet.

I have exhaled,
Accepting my situation,
And it's not too bad,
Apologies for wasting your time.

As you were.

Sometimes, I feel it's not working
I run made-up scenarios in my head
Like, something is wrong
Because of what I did or what I said.

I obsess about where she is
If she's OK and if she's thinking about me
Why she hasn't responded yet
I try to keep it all together.

An insecurity I've never had
An ego issue perhaps
I know she's OK, I know she loves me
But these voices inside still persist.

When I see her it's golden
Nothing could ever go wrong
I don't do alone as well as I used to
I just sit, and stare on my lonesome.

Everything has changed
Maybe it's me
I'll give it some time and we'll see
If I **** this up.

I can't undo what I've done,
I can't go back,
This may all be a terrible mistake.

Created a new world,
While the other world rots,
I am my father's son,
And I hate that man.

So what? Just up and leave?
No, I cannot,
Push through the heartache,
Until it dissolves.

Moody *****,
Keep it to yourself,
This is what a man does,
This is how I have been trained.

I chose this,
Without knowing how it would be,
And now that I know how it is,
I am unsure that this is what I want.

I miss my kids, they miss me,
I told them I'd never ghost them,
The last promise, before I disappeared,
Only to reappear every 2 weeks.

I'm... a bit... stuck,
Trying to give a ****,
Trying to make a decision,
Trying to stay in love.

Left to my own devices
I try to eat at suitable times
Try to keep up the routine
But idle hands are the devils plaything.

Stay busy, talk to people
Socialise to stave off the sadness
But, these people don't know me
And I'm tired of explaining.

The house is clean enough
Footy on in the background
Just for the noise
Just for the sound.

7 or so beers later
I just walk into the desert
No rhyme or reason
Just to move and do something.

I return home, nothing has changed
Everything remains the same
So I sit, and I stare
At the top of my empty beer.

She'll be home in 3 sleeps
I could be dead by then
Funny, how dependant I am on her existence
I miss my wife, my best friend.

When she's gone, I'm so lost
Wandering around doing nothing
No drive, I just don't feel alive
No identifiable characteristics.

I should probably eat.