she is so young

that she believes
the stars when

they shine

she has not
seen many

dark nights so
each one

seems new
each one is

a lesson
she learns

because that
is what the

young do

think about
one thing

care about
one thing

challenge
one thing

believe in
one thing

that is
a start

wants to eat me

the ravenous
dog

denied
every
desire

it is
still chained

but just barely

sharp
teeth
meeting
violently
chomping
on the air
around
my face

they are
the perfect
killing
machines
killing
perfection
in me

a slobbering
chaotic pink
tongue
trying
to find

the words
to whisper
to me

and I hear
voices

behind
my back

talking

telling me
either
I am nothing
or I will

become
nothing

when they
are done

with me

she paints

fingers as
needles

penetrating
points

her lips
can’t reach

she knows
where I

buried my
true self

but she
keeps it

to herself
and her

paintings
of me

She licked me
stuck her tongue inside of me
like I was an electric socket

like she saw some invisible, powerful
thing raging
inside this plain, broken exterior

something that would shock her
that would radiate inside her
make her curly hair stand end to end

like this cracked skin wasn’t meant to
protect what was inside

but to protect the outside from
what was living inside

and if she could only free it
if she could only feel it

she could become it

she wasn’t scared
this pretty girl likes electricity

They woke me when I was still
dreaming.  

I have about three months of sanity left in me; I don’t think it will be enough to carry me to the end.

I can feel myself fading in and out.  Images (more like flashes of images) I can’t explain appear then disappear just as quickly.  They seem to be set to a timer.

The slightest, most sudden, sounds become as a cross-fire inside my shell; like bullets pinging off of my plastic helmet.  

The front lines were never meant for men like me.  They say I am weak and fragile; a feeble man.  I am yelled at frequently.  

They do not understand, I can not allow things that enter me to just pass through me.  I hold them tightly; it is more like I am inside of them than they are inside of me.

They were born armadillos; protected by their inner armor.

I was born a jelly fish; found far from the water of my birth.

I look up at the star-like creatures fading in and out of the dark matter and I realize there is no logical defense against the senseless.

we never
really start

there is no
gun that signals
our beginning

there is just this
one day when
we wake up
and seem
to know
a little more
than we did
before we went
to sleep
the night before

and all these
little pieces
of knowing
start to add up

and somehow
we start to know
we are
somewhere

and somehow
we start to know
we are
something

and through this
“process”
we have guides

the living and the dead
showing us a way

and some of us
are lucky enough
to have good guides

showing us
a right way
a way that works
not just today
but for all the
tomorrows we
we going to face

life is a continuous
organization, deconstruction
and reorganization of all
these disparate pieces and
parts of knowing

life is a puzzle
that is never
really finished

life is a problem that
can never really
be solved

and we are
thrown into
the midst
of all this
life

into the deep end

containing all that was
and all that is
and that could be
or could have been

and we are told to swim
when we don’t
know how

and we are told to swim
when we don’t
even know the meaning
of “swim”

we are thunder

underground
earth shaking
brain baking

spoken word prophets
pound your drums
shake your bums

tell this world
danger is coming
if you don’t repent

from your evil ways
you are not the rulers
you are not the truth

we are all humans

we have minds
we have thoughts
we have mouths
we have voices

and we have come
to shake this world

awake with
our thunder

tonight my
muscles ache

a rope
threaded
throughout

tied way too tight

sometimes my
body feels

this way
without reason

and on these nights

it is hard to breathe
it is hard to think
it is hard to write

when everything
is so tight

I have not
learned to ask

in a way that
says I own my

needs and wants

suppression
squeezes
secrets

pain waits
in every crack

something is
bound to explode

I am not alone
the past is

always with me
and memory is

never pure
or static

so I always
make new friends

or learn something
new about

old friends

she thought
she was light

radiant
the sun

beyond mere
understanding

she was

worshipped
as a god

lost in her
movements

a body defying
mere physics

she learned
the secrets of

floating in
space

releasing
forgetting

I pricked my skull
and dug around

a little

to find the
source

hoping to create
a tiny hole

create a leak
where only the

best parts of me
would drip

a tiny hole
from which

I could escape
and leave behind

all the crap I
let build up

before I knew me

angel crush
into dust

a fallen dream
evaporates

like smoke

the sky wants
to cry but

there are
no more tears

we are all
unborn fruit

dried vines
with nothing

left to give

breathe in…today

fill your lungs with
the quiet violence

of modern life

feel it tear apart your
twice baked soul

with its silver-forked tongue

let it wipe away
your lonely tears

with 60 grit sandpaper

feel today course through
your open veins

exploding the past
into particles of dust

becoming a myth

I have lost direction
there is no point

to today

I am confused

my words are
a mumble

a mass or a mess

hysteria or
histrionics

today

the good soldiers
of my mind are AWOL

nothing is lining up
my mind is a rave

I am looking for
some thing, any thing

but the meaning that
creates a thing

lives in the shadows

the meaning that
creates a thing

lives in the
space between

and today

I can’t even
define light
and dark

nothing is that clear

today

I am without
that mysterious force

that creates things
and holds things together

that bends the will
for good or for ill

I am confused

today

the body is
a blooming

flower

the color
of the sun

the fragrance
is a message

floating in
crisp air

the morning is
a moment

we first meet
and face the

day together

we live in the shades.  the differences.  between light.  and dark.  
the edges.  where people.  get cut.  when they move.  against the grain.

we bleed.  the same.  but we don’t.  admit it.  
until we bleed.  together.

then we become.  blood.
brothers and sisters.

and live together.

I know it is progress
in some form
but I did like it better
when we had more space
and we were not always
connected
and even though
our steps were smaller
we could getaway
from each other
I liked my getaways
not too far away
just far enough
when I could disappear
not for too long
just long enough
to miss
and be missed

the word

flake makes
them seem

so light and fluffy

but when
they fall
this fast

they have no space
to breathe

or express their
individuality

merging into
one another other

becoming a mass

I feel lost in the
heavy whites

of winter
a weight I

cannot bear alone

only appears when

searching for
satisfaction

touching everything
it meets

saying life

is luscious
spilling over

it is too much
it needs more time

to explore

there is no
light in the sky

this dark has
no name

she is not
presence

she is absence
somehow she

knows me

with black cat
eyes she calls me

by my name

I am obedient
to her every sin

scared of my
own potential

I could only
really live

when inside
her skin

I walk alone
to feel

the city is heavy
tonight

I am shaky or
the ground is
speaking

in a muffled tone

the sky sneaks
between tall buildings

carrying weight
changing colors

blue to gray
like the eyes

of a boy I knew

and I whisper
to no one
in particular

tonight

I will shed
everything

I will walk naked
under the crying sky

tonight

I will drown in
nature’s tears

tonight

I will
make peace
with the earth

before we die

tonight

do not touch
this fragile

thing

it is poorly
made

pieced together
from other

lives and lies

there is not much
holding it together

it needs but
it cannot want

it lives but
it cannot love

do not touch it
do not break it

again

if

“you don’t want
to get into a

political discussion”

don’t make a political
statement

your preface meant
you don’t want to

be opposed

it’s true you didn’t
want to discuss

but you did want
to state

your point of view

it hurts

the pressure
of conforming
my body

trying not to
be revealing

arms cross
my chest
hiding my
heart

fingers
fight
furiously

trying to plug
the leaks

of honesty
seeping

but I can’t
keep up with

the flowing
through
my mind

my thoughts
leaping ahead

over all the same
old constraints

to what
could be

is the nature
of my mind

filling in blanks
making things

end in tragedy
following ghosts

into dark corners
scaring myself

sick

there are people who
think you are real

that you are
not just playing
with words

that you actually
feel the things

you write to them

I am not one of them

this is the
internet
age and

we are all nameless
creatures or

creatures who turn
names into
underwear

changing them daily

puppets playing
with puppets

everyone thinking
they are pulling the strings

not understanding that
there is no master

only toys to play with

and I think
I was alive

before

this net
captured
everything

about me

I am so freaking human.  I want to die.  feelings are these animals.  rampaging.  words are these viruses.  ******* my brain.  from a crazy straw.  I can feel the pressure.  being swallowed by a snake. I can feel each curve.

I am so freaking human.  the planet is dying.  vomiting all these chemicals.  raining acids.  accidently making ****.  she is weak and confused.  unable to control.  even her base
survival instincts.

I am so freaking human.  she is telling me.  close my mouth.  I talk too much.  while saying nothing.  she is telling me.  give in to my two ears.  hear what is always around me.  stay still and silent.  she will tell me secrets.

I am so freaking human.  but today I will try.  to be still and silent.  I will try to listen.  to her.  but I am so freaking human.  and I must want to die.  why else would I keep living like this.

is a mess
at first

something is
out of place

it wants me
to notice it

because it
is different

it wants me
to think

it wants me
to question

what I know

it makes me
want to know

something new
it lets me

ask forgiveness
and forget

it lets me
start over

it is alive
and open

to change

he stopped in

the middle of
the street

looked at me in
my mask

hands at
his side

and made a
loud noise

ahhhh…choooooo

pretending to
sneeze

I guess he
thought he

was funny

it is crying.

this country.

you don’t hear.

the tears.

your brain.

is blocked.

filled with.

images of.

yourself.

you destroy.

everything.

to make.

yourself.

appear.

bigger.

because you.

are so.

small.

there is a
loneliness

in truth

the path to get
there is hidden

and not easily found

and once found
it is jagged and

difficult to hold
onto and share

in any known
language

and I taste
the new fruit

plump and ripe

just begging
to be bit

I place the
whole thing
in my mouth

I linger on
the sweet
taste

of the flesh

between my
sharpest teeth

letting the
juices
drip

down my
cheeks

til my
shirt is
soaking
wet

til there
is nothing
left but

the pit

I spit
it out

and walk
away

satisfied

it lives in my first brain

the impulse
the reaction

the world is small
and simple here

there is no plan
and mistakes
frequently happen

before I even
know what happened

my second brain is
unable to intervene

it is capable
it can do so much more

but it rarely does anything

it remains still and silent
either scared or unaware

the universe is filled
with messages

the sounds of wonder
a reaching for something

else

a search for connection
a language we understand

attempts to communicate
with other worlds

we all live in other worlds
we are all aliens

floating alone in this space
unidentified lonely objects

you gave into the
slow strangulation

of blood

passed from one
to the other

family is fate
seeds crack

and spread disease
one man after

another falls
look into the mirror

see the past
play the game

tag you’re it

she exposed
herself so

many times
singing her

pains and pleasures
helping you

to feel your own
helping you come

to come to terms
with yourself

it is her body
leave her out

of your mean words

she already
exposed her

most important parts
so many times

is a spiral
of learning

finding the next
seed

solving the
next problem

knowing there

is no ultimate
source

at least

not one
you will find

in your lifetime

but you keep
searching

believing there
is an ideal

for everything
you believe

a dancer
dreams

of becoming
light

leaping
and lifting

through the
clouds

towards the
promises of

heaven
lighting

the darkness
that covers

everyone

becoming
a star

I heated it
I let it run

I climbed in
I slid down

until I was
covered

I held my breath
I opened my eyes

I released a
little air

I watched the
bubbles rise

I let it all go
until I was

light enough
to be a bubble

she woke me
too soon

I am not ready
I do not

understand
what is

happening

the world
is different

and I don’t
fit into

my roles

the structure
is changing

and I don’t
know if I

belong or
if I have

a choice

I: Impressions

I want to
love you
I want to
feel so many
things
that I don’t
instead of just this
one thing this
one jumbled
unidentifiable
thing, this…this…
monster on the inside
made from
the unfelt
parts of
emotions;
leftovers
of moments
not one of
which was fully
experienced.

II. Explosions

All was quiet
at the beginning
of time
the big bang
made no noise
a startling spectacle
of suddenness
it was all sight
and no sound
color was its
afterbirth;
a by-product
of chemicals mating
and procreating.

III. Inventions

the universe
was seeded by sounds
the wush
of a hand moving
quickly
through a dark cloud
the tiny fingers that
crack
as they grasp
for a meaning, any meaning
and a stiff drink to
glug
glug

I know something
out there has to resonate
something has to be
real

Doesn’t it?
Doesn’t it?

without
reflection

there is
only
others

to blame

soulless
means

there
is no

growth

there
is no

learning

there is
no

intention

there is
only *******

from others

to survive

I slip-slide into
the vessel of
pain and pleasure

pressure dissolves
into silver glitter
flakes of dreams
leave me
floating over me

I lick them up
count them with
my tongue
and just before
they dissolve
I swallow them

they feel like the
sudden warmth
that makes you
shiver a little

they create
connections
that spread
through me
with intense speed

into deep space
into empty space
turning into
one thing
one pure thing

and for an instant
I am connected

throughout
time and space
connected

merged into being
and nothingness

and just before
I dissolve
I am swallowed
by something
or someone

I am the
sudden warmth
that makes you
shiver a little

they say love
is a breath

don’t think
about it or
you will forget
how to do it

don’t try to hold it
for too long or

it will **** you

you were once
a goddess and

now

they claim you
telling other humans

they own you
they are in control

of you

as if you could
ever be owned

or controlled

did not earth
teach us

anything about
ownership

and control

humans hide
from each

other

cannot play
tag or touch

wrestle or rub

they will avoid
each other

to live

rats race on
the empty streets

frenzied for food

they will eat
each other

to live

I didn’t need
to say a word

she smelled
the pain on

my breath

the desire for
healing or death

she colored
my life

darker than blood
deeper than love

making me
take my

first breath
of violence

we are not
alone

the world
is filled

with people
like US

we all need
each other

but we are
scared to admit

all walls are
blocks of fear

piled on top
of each other

today everything
spreads quickly

hurt and help

we choose how
to use our powers

all of US