shattered shards remain
lodged in the carpet,
small enough to cut
a kitten’s paw,
leftovers
from those terrible twenties
and learning to walk
lovedrunk
across a darkened room.

I rise before you

early morning dew
crispy air

wrapped in a
sweater weather

porch swing
birds sing

I reveal my
daily secrets

in the tea leaves
and day dreams

and wait for you
to join me

like I have
every morning

since you left

white skin
reveals

one word
in cursive

etched in
black ink

a memory
a reminder

of the truth

air we hold
so dear

cleans us
relaxes us

gives us
so many

moments
of purity

each and
every day

try to
remember

and breathe

is a mess
at first

something is
out of place

it wants me
to notice it

because it
is different

it wants me
to think

it wants me
to question

what I know

it makes me
want to know

something new
it lets me

ask forgiveness
and forget

it lets me
start over

it is alive
and open

to change

I listen for you to enter the gallery.  I watch you as you read my words plastered across the walls. You follow them until they begin pulling you from room to room.  They become a serpent winding around and around entering your interior organs. You struggle at first, and then succumb with my tongue in your ear.

Your brain is a sponge that I will saturate with my words; your spirit is a thirst that only I can satiate.  I did not ask for this moment but neither will I deny it.

You can leave this day behind you, and tell yourself it did not exist.  But do not kid yourself, the sins I create in you are real, even if they exist only in your mind. But you must believe me when I say I mean you no harm, not really. I don’t even know you, well not in the typical sense of knowing. I see beyond what is in front of me. I have the powers of vision and invisibility. Once you speak my words I seemingly disappear.

The truth is that when I breathe between your lips, deep into your mouth, well beyond your years I can use you as a mask. I know most people because I know the containers they have built around themselves. The wildest amongst you are tame. The tamest amongst you are prey.

It is when I hear you growl back at me that I know I am safe.
It is when I hear you go silent that I know you are mine.

We were at the same place, on the very same night.

When we bumped into each other she blamed it on the faulty lighting.
I should have known better, it was more like a brush than a bounce, a lingering brush, that titillated not irritated.

I can laugh now, the crazy, crazy glue, she was.

The burning bulbs flickered ghostly shadows against the hallway walls.  Hallway, now that’s funny, the club itself was nothing more than a hallway.  They were portending, ghostly shadows, pretending to dance.  The lead singer of the band was a screamer who made better love to his microphone than I ever made to a girl.  It was a hot night, shirts were more like skin; even the shadows sweat profusely.  

I left her just for a moment…to find an empty stall.

Redundant fluorescent letters covered the bathroom walls, “Red only plays with the darkest knights, Red only plays with the darkest knights, Red only plays with the darkest knights.”

I waded through the waves of wanton youth to her still body.  The night only started when she leaned into me and said, “Whisper something sinister.”

Her voice filled my body, filled my body with thrilling chills of anticipation, but only for a moment.  And I would do anything to get that moment back, but when it’s gone.

It is gone.

And no one remembers what came after.

a brush on a drum
it is not a beat

it is the sound
of movement

of wind and
whispers

it does not wait
but it wants to

be caught it
wants to belong

where it belongs
in a bigger picture

it wants a place
in your story

it wants to be
the connection

that creates
your meaning

carve out
of me

everything
that does

not belong
you can see

what I can be
without all

this excess
I have allowed

to enter me
please

leave me
this skinny

starving
creature

praying for
forgiveness

for all that I
could have

done

I only let you see
one piece of darkness
fall out of me.

Were you afraid?

What if I let you hear
when the space between
becomes less clear.

Will you understand?

What if I let you feel
when the constricting nerves
begin breaking steel?

Will you stay the night?

What if I let you see
when all the darkness
rushes out of me?

Will you still be mine?

I feel stretched
by Bowie, David.
He is more than me,
a northern light
holding invisible forces
inside himself
that pull a variety of life’s
mysteries
towards him.

His soundscapes
surround me.
His is a collage
of images cut
from life’s
infinite fabric;
details that
every generation
believes
are
set in their
near future,
like biblical
revelations.

On hearing him
color is injected
into my soul;
ink that hardens
to become
plastic,
to make me
more like plastic;
flexible
and unbreakable.

I feel organized
in his presence,
not in a military
way,
but like ants, or
bees
who understand
how their
movements
are not individual
but part of a
greater fabric,
not like they are
planned
but influenced
in ways that
can only be
revealed
when
they are
part of a past.

I do not wake

following shades
of grey goose

into darker places

she is a twist

a dance of
pretty particles

intertwining
integrating

with just one
subtle movement

she whispers the
name of god

I am stiff and
obvious she

understands me
right away

I cannot hide
in my layers

of skin and scars

(my usual places)

my mind does
not function

I cannot make
choices

I am

urgent
immediate
exposed

my lies
die and
turn to
dust

she is
the wind

I am awake

tonight is long

extending beyond
any formal measure of time

I can’t sleep or
I don’t want to sleep

nothing is clear in me
defining a muddle

my brain is a
monkey in a cage
throwing ****

at everyone

if I do sleep
it is only a
moment in between

and I wake to these
dry cracked lips

and I wake to
a heart beating fast

and in this muddle
I think

tomorrow I
need to see a doctor

tomorrow I
need to be touched

even by
thick
stiff
cold

unfeeling fingers

I want to be
a live wire

the connection
between two

points

I want to feel
the flow

of energy passing
through me

I want to feel
the moment

when the energy
inside me

creates the energy
inside you

my mind is
soft and simple

it leaks and

is easily lost
in details

approach it
with care

it scares easily
and may

attack when
cornered

but it means
no harm

it just doesn’t
want to be

harmed again
it has baby scars

that still
need to heal

he promised me
I could be the
smallest word
that I could hide
in his book of
mysteries and
everyone would
see me but
no one would
ever find me
and he tried to
keep his promise
but he never
saw you coming
the clever girl
who could read
between the lines
and understand
the smallest word

He would spend his days in the muck called human interaction. Sitting at a table of liars and thieves, he dreamed of tiny puncture wounds and drops of rich, red blood. Each day stained.

His soft shoes and white coat roamed the quiet halls each night. Fluorescent glow, his constant companion, followed every step. I would sit on the floor by my door and listen for his sighs until sleep captured my imagination and I would dream. He would never sleep, he was a dream, I captured.

When he approached my door, I disappeared, a shadow lost in his radiance. He measured each line and then spoke to those of us not there. He expressed an imagination rich in metaphors; splicing pieces of fog into forms. His mind became my probe into darkness. My fears languished in tomorrows.

The soft spots in my brain, with the absorptive capacity of a baby, struggled to understand his words. After he disappeared, I would take a few steps out my room to explore. I mouthed his words without meaning and then sighed. The girl in the next room sat on her floor by her door and listened for my sighs until sleep captured her imagination and she would dream.

do not wake
me when my

leg moves

I am dreaming
I am free

I love you
in a way

but to me
I am an

animal
not a pet

not a family
member

and certainly
not a

replacement
for your lover

just give me
these few

moments
to dream

and then you can
dress me up

or whatever

my lips are

scissors or
swords or
scythes

whatever is
needed to

cut through
all the crap

spreading
through the

electric waves

thinking for
yourself is

the lost art

this is not
what they

meant when
they taught

us to share

soft
hard
smooth
rough
touch
feel
shed
shrink
cut
broken
covered
hidden
scarred
scarred

my feet lift
and land

in a slow rhythm

no deadlines
no intentions

I take in the
clean air

feel my lungs
grow

feel the blood
flow

from head to toe

let my mind
float

to the clouds

I see through
the mist

of most days
and live in

this moment

the tongue of
a magician

entering your
imagination

teasing your
little neurons

free from
their connections

form a
crooked line

and follow

the tongue
anywhere

it leads to
a new set

of beliefs

I would not cry

my heart would
continue
beating
steadily

mornings would come
and go
time would pass

more slowly
perhaps

I would notice
less; details
would disappear

and gray would become
my favorite color

a whimper would
be the closest I could
come to a scream

and I would
forget the words
to my
favorite songs

eventually
just as angels
living day-to-day
I would not notice
that anything
was missing

and when they asked
me “how are you”
I would say
“fine”

just fine

there are these
small creatures
skittering about
the earth

they live on
another frequency

they are tuned
into all the sudden
and subtle

movements
moments

feeding off the scraps
left by others

they are curious
creatures

if you remain still
and silent

they might approach you

but as soon as you move
make a loud noise

they will scurry away
and hide

I am a small creature

in the land
of mist

we are all lost
holding hands

for warmth
we don’t know

each other
and we don’t

need to
it is enough

to be together
in the land

of mist

it keeps
breaking

so tightly
wound

it does
not breathe

like a
balloon
that cannot
leak

there is
no place

on this
earth

for someone
so cheaply
made

as me

it was one of
those days

and I needed
no one to know

so I opened my
mouth wide

and created
no sound

it was my
inside scream

letting go of
everything

letting everything
penetrate me

the vibrations
breaking ribs

I was caving in

Today my mind is in a dream state,
disconnected images come at me quickly;
emotions overtake me
transporting me
from anxiety to ecstasy
and back again
in a flash, in a violent dance
between two angry lovers
who want to hurt each other
in the most personal way.

I am feeling fully the chaos of a newborn’s brain.

Think about being lost
in the crowded streets
deep in the mist of human breath
at Times Square during New Year’s Eve.
You can only sense and absorb your surroundings
you are deprived of the ability
to express or influence
or to make any sense of anything.

Now you know me.

Now you know that
it is only when I expend all
my physical, my chemical energy
in all manner of unspoken words and phrases
when I color the white spaces
of these pages
with my dark matter
while my body remains
mostly stationary
that some of my stability can be regained.

It happens subtly
like the movement of the gold hands
of an antique watch against my wrist.

Oh sleep, sweet, sweet sleep;
why hast thou forsaken me?
You are the only angel in my hellish brain
telling me I am ok
I am ok.

the moment a belief dies suddenly
a foundation
of your structure collapses
something you held tightly
and defended fiercely disappears
it was one of those nights
the day was emotional
and I was by myself
buried in blankets
trying to create warmth
and comfort
something to hold onto
my mind was crushing itself
tearing like paper
into so many pieces
becoming confetti
I could not digest anything
the words would not stay down
I was learning to speak
a new language
that I did not understand

we walk in the
shoes of another

they are too
large at first

so we stumble
and fall

many times

until we grow
into their shoes

or we learn
a new way

to walk

I tried to
catch a leaf

as it fell
floating

in the coolness
I always

wanted to be
changing

directions
adapting

to the push
and the pull

always in
the perfect

position to
land so easily

it is spring
and green

is here
it dominates

the atmosphere

feeling itself
the majestic

color

it does not
conceive of time

it thinks it is

the first
the last
the always

but we know
better so we

enjoy it while
we can

when the fairy
tale ends

I follow her
into the woods

she was happy
as the moment

called for but
I knew she was

more than a role
and while this

ending could
be happy

I knew this
was not

the end

I knew she
had more

to say

so I followed
her into

the woods

I wish the world was smaller
and I did not know so much.

I long for empty spaces
and a sky with stars
that shine through this fog.

I don’t want to be a star;
I just want to be remembered fondly.

I remember fondly,
when I was young
and just having a job meant something.

Now that I am older
my job has to mean something

-well, it really doesn’t

yes it really does.

it is late at night
on this, the coldest night

I think about the stray cats
abandoned when their
people moved away

in my head
I hear them cry
into the thick dark
molasses sky

their tiny breaths
frozen smoke

sometimes they
talk to me

they extend
their words
perfectly
enunciating
emotional
pain

tiger
tiger
left
behi­nd

tonight I want to
write something happy

I want to feel like
like those happy people

who breathe
as if they
have no bones

they have more room
inside of them to feel

they could live through
this cold dark night
without crying

The street is desert. Thin lines of waste race across the surface of the street.  down the curb. gathering around a clogged drain. turning thick and brown.  

From earth to air.  The street is almost empty of life.  Flies don’t fly and earth bugs are too scared to scurry.  I smell the vultures.  In this city the air is heavy and they flap their wings but they cannot fly.

They walk around and look for dead things.  Zombies are dead things.

We see life in chemicals.  Chemicals need containers to thrive.  We are containers.  
Chemicals see life in us.  Chemicals thrive in us. Chemicals multiply in us.  
Chemicals are life in us.

People, people, so many people.  Living so close to each other.  People are lonely creatures.  More people does not reduce the loneliness.  People are lost creatures.  Following every direction.  Getting nowhere.

People have minds.  Some minds are swamps.  Full of life yet lifeless.  Stagnant.  Devoid of meaning.  The smell of air that cannot get out of its own way.  Accumulating trash that is never discarded.

I lie in all this muck and make dirt angels.  ***** angels.  God makes ***** angels.  
Sick from the smell of themselves.

I live in thick skin.  heavy like a morning fog.  more like smog.  that never lifts.  created by humans.  nothing penetrates me.  I do not feel.  I was not always this way.

I live in a city.

I believe in
the artificial

the metamorphosis
of dreams

nothing ever is
everything could

become the other
I change one small

part

layers beneath
the surface

and I change
the function of

the whole

it is not magic
it is science

or something similar

and we are all
plastic toys

every day

when the loud
sounds came

I thought the rain
into existence

creating a puddle
I could fall into

so I could disappear

I was less than
all the other integers

they could nap
in this room with others

lying next to them

but I would lie there
hearing the loud sounds

thinking the rain
into existence

smoke then ashes
what is left behind

after I disappear
memories are made

of soft putty
meant to be

manufactured by
our minds

we are all sculptors
or perhaps

magicians or
better yet

manipulators
trying to mold

the past with
a future

into something
we can live with

at least for a moment

Thousands of
tiny sparks
light up the night sky
fireflies floating freely
between you and I

it is summer hot
and I have found cool

and I have found the earth
by being buried deep inside it
as if one worm amongst thousands

and I have experienced the disappearance
of beginning and end

and I have experienced the disappearance
of male and female

and I now know
that I never really loved you
at least not in the same way
you loved me

and not in the way
that I loved
fireflies
and worms;
summer heat
and the cool
inside

and I remember saying,
I would love
to sculpt you someday,
as if that was a good thing

as if that was your reward
for loving me.

hold my hands
for just a bit

pay me a bit
of attention

let me feel
a bit of your

warmth

even if it is
the last bit

you share with me

some people have mouths
but they do not have ears

we are some people

we do not ask each other questions
we ask each other answers
already programmed in our heads

we feel the walls between us
we helped build the walls between us
I want to break the walls between us

but I am not strong enough yet

someday I hope to ask you a question
for which I do not know the answer

you predict
this end

for the
gentle boy

perhaps

his story could
have ended

as you say
if he met

Jesus
of Nazareth

or even

St. Thomas
of  Aquinas

where the
intellect is

challenged

but if he met
Paul of Tarsus

or

any of
the zealots

he

would have
run back

to his cave
and talked

to Plato

the candle is lit

he screams like
a young volcano

my ears bleed
and I drink love

or something stronger

I heated it
I let it run

I climbed in
I slid down

until I was
covered

I held my breath
I opened my eyes

I released a
little air

I watched the
bubbles rise

I let it all go
until I was

light enough
to be a bubble

I have lived deep
inside the earth
I ache to the core
expose the heat
from my mind’s eye
to weaken each layer
and break through
one-by-one
searching for the surface
where I imagine
meaning lives
never considering
that the surface
may be imaginary
and there is no
final destination
and this is my
destiny to spend
forever burning
through all the truths

I want you
dark night

sensational

like the first
time I felt

life

racing
through me

a surge
of
computations

blocking
thought
from forming

I was
multiplying

and I felt like
I could become
a hundred me’s

and you would
love each
and every one

and when
sensational
became
just okay

it was devastating
to me

oh dark night

you could
not find
even one
of me
to love

so I needed
more
more
more
of me’s

I
concocted
a bright blue
liquid
of me’s

injecting
an explosion
of life back
into me

and then
you loved

each and
every me
all over again

like we were
the first time
again
and again and again

but this time
when sensational

became just okay
you were
devastated

leaving me
all alone

and tonight

oh dark night

tonight

without you
with only
this one
lonely me

I feel like
an angry cat

shedding glass

he was a vessel

power surging
through him
from above

his words
made the world
seem different

a new world created by
a new set of words

I listened to him closely
followed each time he spoke

I let him invade me
with his words

and I could see more
of what could be

and I could see

that what could be
could become what is

a different world
for everyone

speaking made
him weak in body

so that
he collapsed
in my arms

he knew what
was to come

he knew what
he was
being asked to do

for his words
to have meaning

and he didn’t know
if he could do it

tonight my mind
is running in place

in a desert
I am a boiling

brain

there are no
words to express

or there is
nothing to feel

I am raw but I
want to be naked

exposed to my
demons

I hear
the black bird

screech I watch
it descend

I want it to
enter me

I splay my arms
display my soul

I want it to rip out
all my elements

so I can start over

we wear our masks.  hide our shame.  we don’t lie.  we just don’t tell.  the truth.  our smile is radiant.  like the sun.  we never look.  directly.  at each other.

minds are fragile.  we aren’t marked.  handle with care.  but we should be.

they say.  the earth quakes.  I say.  our soul shakes.  when we approach.  the truth.  in these days.  of isolation.  do we feel safer.  at least.  safe enough.

to remove.  our masks.  and see the truth.  even if.  we can’t share it.  with others.

nature is so
easily buried

beneath the
artifacts of man

their rules are
my structure

and I walk in
straight lines

and I step on
no cracks

but I know
when I meet you

you will change me
you will set me free

we will have a
relationship

like the wolf
and the moon