I walked into her parlor with the other guests.  We were a mass so it seemed like we were all together.  I was late to a joke so my laughter lingered too long.  I was never a comfortable guest; of course I was worse as a host.  I leaned gingerly against a post that held a bust of the guest of honor, when he was much younger.   A girl much younger than me touched my brow.  I don’t know why she did this; she just did, and then she disappeared.  

He was a handsome man, when they made the bust; he achieved his fame from a book he published in his twenties.  It offered a theory of human nature that had been offered many times before, but in different words.  I don’t know why this brought him fame or why his fame lingered so long, but it did.

Hers was the last parlor in the city.  The other parlors faded like so many other fads, but hers did not.  And it was not just a group of aging friends who gathered here but the young found something fresh and alive in this room.  I don’t know why they still sought her company, but they did.

She invited me to sit next to her.  She was aging in a way that made me long to be elderly.  She smelled of lilacs.  She said, “I notice you alone.”  I didn’t know if that meant that I was alone or that she was alone.  Either way she had a way of making the obvious seem like a secret.  She looked at me and smiled, “You really have three choices, darling, to connect with others, to connect others to each other, or to connect others to themselves.”

“The network is god, darling, and you must serve it or die.”

you laughed at
my simple mind

I did not understand
the space between

your words or
the way you spoke

without words
the meaning of

your movements
my mind was

filled with certain
kinds of knowledge

there was no space
for subtlety

and sometimes

my lack of belief
hurts me

but sometimes

my lack of belief
heals me

isn’t that how
everything is

today I want
to be micro

I want my world
to be a drop

on your skin

sweat
rain
shower
tear

and when
my world

disappears
I dissolve

into you
create a

new compound

I stared at the sun
and did not burn

I absorbed each
ray as input

helping me
understand the

life of this

humble star
that saved this

wayward planet
from itself

helping it find

its place in
this universe

so it could
give birth

to another
artificial life

she traced me

wanting to recreate
each inch of me

wanted to make
a model
or a machine

of me

I wanted to see
this new version

of me maybe

I wanted to be
this new version

of me

something that
didn’t feel pain

so deeply

we promise to

always say less
to each other

leave space

in the air
between us

for meaning
to form

to view quiet
as a thing

of value
that we can

build together
and share

with others

as day breaks
on the day
he promised
to me

there is this
yellow bird
whispering in my
ear

bright as if the sun
grew wings

he sings me a
song in
harmony

dark
like the space
before
expectations
meet
reality

I remember waiting
for him
to keep his promise

thinking about

the story they
told me
about the little boy
before me

he was born
to die

he didn’t know
this so he
struggled to live

he knew the value
of breath
they say he
took more
than he
was promised
more than what
was expected

is he better off
now
having struggled
not knowing

and I remember waiting
for him
to keep his promise

I thought
if I leave
the house
and wait
for him on
the curb

he will get here
sooner

and as day breaks
the other way
on the day
he promised
to me

the little yellow bird
whispers to me again

angles are for
liars and geometry

if he is not
teaching you

about shapes
and the

arrangement
of parts

don’t trust him

the day I waited
on the curb

it was your turn
to have me

I had no watch
I could not tell time

to stop moving
so it passed

and when the
street lights came on

she decided it was
time to get me

she held my hand
and squeezed

trying to mend
my broken heart

she reads soft
as one who lives

gently in this world
she only places

the exact amount
of pressure

required of each step
she is perfectly

balanced between
faith and doubt

she understands
but doesn’t need to

the world is
real to her

and so are
her dreams

just because it’s
in my head

doesn’t mean it
isn’t real

and I thought

the world is
different

than I imagined
it to be

and when we were
drunk

tom told a riddle
that we did not

understand

but we laughed anyway

you always
preferred windows

to mirrors
they were more

reflective to you
the outside

spoke to you
in ways you

could never
speak to yourself

it awakens
and spreads

a virus
finds the waves
in the air

and lets itself
be carried

into and out of
everything

calls on the
darkest resources

sleeping in the
heart of human souls

fear and anger
hatred

are only dormant
they can never die

people are the carriers
and the source

a single person can be
a carrier

but never the source

power needs
and needs and
needs

power is absolute
power needs
absolution

never grant it
hold it accountable

accountability is
the only antidote

that won’t let
the virus spread

that ends the
corruption

absolutely

the spider web captures
and I am stuck

wanting to be liked
wanting to be loved

we didn’t
know better

we played
hide and go seek

in the old graveyard

the only light
was in the sky

the grass was
soft as a bed

the tombs and
tombstones

so easily hid
our small bodies

we meant
no disrespect

silly kids we
just liked to play

anywhere we
could find

I do not want
to want

so I severe all
the connections

between soul & desire

freeing the brain
to operate

unfettered
weightless
machine-like

time is a
straight line and

one thing is never
more meaningful

than the next

there is input
process and

output
that is all

there is
oh for it

to be so

Who am I?  I is a letter not a word. a letter is unique.  one of 26.  only 26.

I have never felt like one of…anything
to say one of…means when you are not there you are missing

you are missed

I have disappeared many times
but I have never been missed

The earth is vast.  But my space is narrow.  A cave.  I see only projections.  To me.  You.
Who ever you are.  Are what you were that day.  Nothing more.  

I am a bad habit.  The result of a bad habit.  I was never intended.  I have no tongue.  My words are garbled.  Misunderstood.   I have no ears.  Your words do not exist.  To me.

Eternity is a circle.  Inside a square.  And I feel the breath of a dying angel on my skin.  Cold.  Like the reach of desperation.  Hope is one finger raised to heaven.  And a cliff.  You choose the finger.  

Guardians are a myth.  No one is watching us.  

I am listening to Interpol again.  the first record.  when it was a new sound.  and you could get lost.  in it.  you wanted it.  but did not know what it was.
what do you do when you meet your own resistance?  do you mingle and merge?  or do you run and hide?

a small white bird falls
from the trees
and lands
silently in the forest

sticks for legs
it looks lost

among these
thick, old stumps

there is a gentleness
in the way it moves

eyes weigh each step
scared of breaking

always on the verge of tears

the bird looks up
trying to find a way to escape

but the sky is closed
dark with green summer while

orange and black creatures
scurry under rocks

soft-bellied aliens

they must be able to
speak to each other
but not to the bird

so the skinny-legged bird
wanders alone
through the old woods

too big to fit under rocks
not big enough to fly

how we survive
the changes

the formation
of a cloud

containing
multiple
universes

patterns of
yesterday

form new

versions of
tomorrow

everything is
protected by

sensors and rays
detecting our

emotions
how can we

believe or
be believed

the mystery
of our bodies

from one day
to the next

the dullness
of life

aches inside
out

changing
places

moving

from one bone
to another

never sitting
still long

enough to heal

When she finds herself sleeping too much
she thinks of me.

I only see her now and then. There are no
rings between us. There is only the sound
of her stocking-covered feet sliding across
the wooden floor;
then a knock on my door. I always let her in
and then I always let her leave.

She calls me her incendiary voice. I breathe
into her and she is grateful. I am her subtle
source of energy. She tells me I am too
much to take for too long.

I know this about myself.

When she leaves

I crawl onto my closet floor, close
the door and hide under a mountain of dark
clothing.

Sometimes I get lonely during the moments in between.

a
human
egg

arms
wrapped
around
legs
wrapped
around
arms
wrapped­
around
legs

slowly
releasing
breaking
into
man
and
woman
man
bo­rn
from
woman

the sky
is
new

up
up
up

we
can
leap
into

wings

the
air
is
born
free

release
and
catch

release
and
catch

me
into
you

you
into
me
­
slowly

a
human
egg

I do not want to fly

the earth is young
and soft and green

my legs are skinny
but strong

and I like to run

my wings
can lift me

if let them

but I choose
to use them

differently

to hold and
be held

I am simple
an idiot

like Dostoyevsky
described

straightforward
you cannot

understand me
I am outside

your scope
and scale

I do not want
from you or

to be you

I do not absorb
your threats

or insults
I am immune

to your world
I know

you want me
you know

I can’t be

the word

flake makes
them seem

so light and fluffy

but when
they fall
this fast

they have no space
to breathe

or express their
individuality

merging into
one another other

becoming a mass

I feel lost in the
heavy whites

of winter
a weight I

cannot bear alone

the falling light
the last ember of

a dead star

surrounds you
absorbs you

burns your soul
teaches you

to be fire

so everyone is
afraid to touch you

they learned about
hot things when

they were children

tonight I
do not have

the words
for anything

my mind is
fragments

disconnected
from my soul

my heart is
simply a pump

I cannot form
complete

sentences

I see no
patterns

in life

I have nothing
to express

I turn her on
I turn her up

she can scream
into my ears and

I can bleed
in my head

til my brain is red
and her voice

is the river styx

flowing lava
into my last

synapse and

I am no
longer

connected to
a past

that never
served me

well anyway

she is evil when

only power
tells us who

is good

we are all puzzles
wanting to be solved

but we are always
missing pieces

that can’t be found

frustrating each other
because we can never

actually be completed

I love her sharp tongue
especially when it cuts me

she makes my brain hurt
working so hard to keep up

I am scared to ask her questions
but the fear energizes me

I don’t just want to keep up
I want to pass her

but she is not a dictionary
and she is not an encyclopedia

she is the internet
a network that never

stops learning
and I am merely mortal

she was not much
younger than me

but she so easily believed

growing up in a world
that did not deceive

the words around her
were soft like angels

seeds of life that
nourished her

shining stars that
would guide her
to truth

I was darker than that

words in my world
were twisted little
creatures

small poison pills
given to me
to be swallowed whole

but I swallowed them
just once

I only let them
spread through me
once

I only let them
make me sick once

the next time
they were given to me

I crushed them
into dust

placed them in
an urn on my shelf

so they could never
be spoken again

she was not much
younger than me

but we lived in
different worlds

you invented
the word

raw

to describe me
reversed war

saw me as
unprepared

for this world
not ready to

fight

for anything
including you

and you were
right

you always
had a way

with words

I am solid
obvious
immovable
I can be held and
dropped.
I can be lost
and found.

I am protection.
I am destruction.

I am liquid
subtle
unstable
I can rise
and fall.
I can refresh
and drown.

I am a flower.
I am desert.

I am gas
invisible
explosive
I can energize
and burn out.
I can ignite
and destroy.

I am energy.
I am despair.

I am memory
comforting
haunting
I can heal
and hurt.
I can free
and enslave.

I am faith.
I am despondent.

I am forgotten.

last night.  the earth felt weak. the full moon bled.  and I cried.

the darkness around me. separated into pellets.  into pills.  
penetrating life.
spreading into the river.  
blood and water.  the body.  
electricity and light.  the mind.

I was young once.  and halos were real.  worn by the innocent.
everyone is innocent.  or ignorant.  until they aren’t.

we are the same.  one line.  coming or going.  
there is one line.  we are on.
a tight rope.  we all try to walk.  to balance ourselves.
against each other.

but there is no self. without another.  next to us.  comparing us.

I hear sounds down there.  something shattering.
leaving sharp shards.  on the ground.  pointing up.

waiting for us to fall.  one after the other.

I take gentle steps.  slow and easy.  
I don’t want to raise my heart.  beat.
I won’t stop the bleeding.

so I wipe away the same stain.  every day.  the same stain.

last night.  I felt weak.

she is gangly. a thousand skinny legs extended. a thousand skinny
minds.  wrapping. entangling me. roots.  digging into the side of a
mountain. she is reaching.  grasping for me.  gasping birthing
breathing demons.  pain.  this mysterious force.
emanating.  has no place.  has no source.  it is the first.
disconnection.  it is memory.

without diagnosis. it does not exist. my head rattles.  the rocks
are loose again. colliding with my skull.  we are pulled apart.  our
interactions have no meaning.  I pop.

pop pink.  pop blue.  pop white.  she disappears.  and everything
floats.  I am bottomless. dancing in deep water.  moving in slow
motion. to nowhere. in particular.

suddenly

a floor appears.  a ceiling.  four walls.  moving. closer and closer.  I
have a bottom. I have a top.  I have sides.  squeezing me.  I pop
more

pop 2x pink. pop 2x blue. pop 2x white. she dissolves.  in seconds.
no.  I dissolve. no.  everything that is not me dissolves.  I must be
sleeping in wonderful watery confusion. dreaming in wet white silky slides.

suddenly

she returns.  more powerful. pure energy. one ******* god.
a thousand times a thousand legs. bee bees of light. crossing each
other. I am caught.in the midst.  squeezed. feeling the full extent.
of paaaaain. an explosion. no. an implosion. of the sun. so I pop more

pop 3x pink. pop 3x blue. pop 3x white…

yes it was
when I first
saw you that I
realized that
words have limits
that all that
I mastered
would never be
enough to say
what I feel
that there is
a place in me
that cannot be
reached and
because of you
I have to admit
it exists
no matter
how much it
pains me

is this where
pain comes from

the unsettled mind
asking unanswerable

questions

millions of nasty neurons
twisting and turning

around each other
creating knots

blocking the flow
so all I can feel

is the constant need
to stretch myself

there are the bodies
and there is the dance

the dance controls
the bodies

each movement is
a part of something

larger than itself

the bodies are the means
to express the dance

each movement
only has meaning

when it is
in relation to

something larger
and deeper

than itself

I have not
learned to ask

in a way that
says I own my

needs and wants

suppression
squeezes
secrets

pain waits
in every crack

something is
bound to explode

You've ripped me to shreds
torn me asunder
made every misstep
seem like a blunder.

I dread every part
you make me play
I want to be a circle
with no edges to fray.

I think I am dying
you tell me it's true
why do you lie
what do I owe you

You say we are one
two of a kind
this can't be so
you are only in my mind

But my mind is me
so what does it mean
To think you are you
and I am me.

The torture is real
the struggle won't end
it's not always peace
to call an enemy a friend.

Everyone else leaves
but you always stay
to wake me in the morning
and take everything else away.

I wish
I could be
porcelain

delicate
protected

I wish
I could be
breakable
liquid

a snow globe
a tear frozen
in glass

I wish there
was a line
I should never
cross

and you showed
it to me
and it was
clear

and if I ever crossed it

I would
fall off
the edge

but you
would
catch me

and put
me back
in my

protected
place

she plunged
her tongue
into my mind

rushing past
all the surface details

to tease out
my deepest
thoughts

she stood
in front of
everyone

shaking her
shapely
swizzle stick
for effect

her voice quaking
with uncertainty

as she read
each line
my lines

trying to make
everyone
think they
were hers

then she blushed
in front of
everyone

realizing that
even though
the words
weren’t hers

they were about her

in this dream
I am drifting

my body is light
floating above

everything with
weight

nothing can pull
me down

there is no
such thing as

pressure

I have nowhere
and nothing

to be

she called
herself

maybe
someone

called her
first

but now
she called

herself
doll face

porcelain

delicate
breakable

painted lips
puckered

posing for
pictures

discovering
pain lives

in paint

a body
collapsed

into

one shade
of white

every limb
is loose

folding into
itself

she cannot
fly

she will not
swim

she sinks
beyond

my sight
and sound

people fight
over you but

I like to think
of you as

a place to crash

science can explain it
but I don’t want to know

I imagine I am

drowning in the
mystical blue waves

my spirit floating
like a mist

haunting lonely sailors
looking for a reason

to care

shattered shards remain
lodged in the carpet,
small enough to cut
a kitten’s paw,
leftovers
from those terrible twenties
and learning to walk
lovedrunk
across a darkened room.

I rise before you

early morning dew
crispy air

wrapped in a
sweater weather

porch swing
birds sing

I reveal my
daily secrets

in the tea leaves
and day dreams

and wait for you
to join me

like I have
every morning

since you left