she in me

time and space
have merged

the world
is sleek

I feel the image
of her body

whole

I feel

there is no
reason for
tomorrow

she cuts me
bleeds me
weakens me

her words
eat me
seeds and all

and I know
I’ll never

be strong enough
to
pull myself away

they were mine
in my time

a gimmick
perhaps

but not to me
in my time

I was too
young to

know what
that meant

they made
me laugh

they made
me sing

that was
enough for

me

I was a
believer

so many of you
will never know

distance

to be somewhere
not too far away

but far enough
that you can’t

be reached

when I was a child
I would leave

the house early
and wander

aimlessly

no one knew
where I was

and no one
worried about

me

she smokes naked
at night

believes the rain

is not real
likes when the

sky is dark
wants to be

struck by lightning
believes it is

eternal inspiration

she laughs when
I say sorry

and forgives me
when I sleep

she is a scavenger
living off the

dearly discarded

and if in a dream

I thought the
worst of you

would it be real

and when I woke
and you were there
next to me

and we smiled
at each other

wishing each other
a good morning

would it be real

can the end begin
in a dream

creating a nagging
sensation

that grows

pecking at the
back of your
brain like a

demonic
woodpecker

we never seem to learn
how fragile love can be

where something as silly
as a dream or a whisper

can spread a dis-ease

everything was near
or distant

everything was clear
or nonexistent

we shook hands
we hugged
we kissed

we waited for
our mail

electrons were
young and

misunderstood

I remember the
first day we

played pong
everything changed

that day

if I let go
I will sink
I am too heavy to float
my head is dense
like a forever forest
that never faces fall
everything that enters
mixes with everything
already there
I cannot sleep
my dreams are too intense
layers upon layers
secret passages
dead ends
I can barely find my way out
and eventually
I may not want to
what happens then
who will ever find me
in my forever forest

I

and when the world
was so big

we stood on mountains
and held out our arms

believing we could fly
anywhere and land safely

everything was open
nothing was too far

and time had no end

II

but that was another time
and time does have an end

the world has shrunk
and we has become me

and I realize that

each time I said no
I cut my own wings

stunted my own growth
and now I am afraid to fly

not knowing if there is a
safe landing anywhere

three equal parts
make a whole

that is how it was designed
to function

balance is everything
one force checking the other

they knew…the danger of…
the ultimate force…

power

power is always hungry
power is insatiable

power is not possessed
it possesses whatever it enters

it must always be checked
…constrained
by other forces

anyone assigned to
one of the parts

must use their power
to constrain the power

in the other parts

they designed parts
not parties

parties cannot constrain
themselves

that is why we have parts
to constrain power

there really is no other reason

some temptation
tugs at my soul
something I desire
reaches all my senses
I move toward it
without hesitation
want and need are one
risk and reward
will not be calculated
I am abandon
I am captured
the sultry spider whispers
sweet nothings
into my ear
I feel an urge
to escape
I feel an urge
to give in
every part of me
is twisted
and ready to explode

her face is young
but her voice is older

I can feel the lines
and curves in

her dark whisper
deep with a beat

her words bounce
around inside my soul

disrupting the
status quo

and I want to scream
but I hold it in

and let it linger
let it stay with me

let it change me
in ways you can’t see

that night we
started a religion

worshipping

the thoughts
we shared

we wrote
everything down

in our minds
putting nothing

to paper

we did not want
followers

each night
our lives

would become
more

synchronized
until we became

the one true

she didn’t tell secrets
but she liked to whisper

her words were never shallow
and she was never scared

no matter how far we sank

she sang songs I never heard
and taught them to me

we sang songs they never heard

we lose our covers
each layer
that protects us
we are creatures
in the purest form
vulnerable
losing our violence
facing our fear
the only real fear
we are Voldemort
on the table
clinging to the last
of ourselves
with harry asking
anyone who dares to listen
what is that
even though he knows
everyone knows
when they see themselves
it is just hard
to be honest

a human body
toned as
an instrument
to create a
perfect note
a perfect
movement
connected to
the world
only by her toes
and when she
leaps I feel
the earth move
as if she is
holding it
together with
only her toes
and I am witnessing
the collapse
of the world that
only stops when
she gracefully
lands on her toes

at first she
sang in a church

the sound she
created was

of a prayer

a wanting for
something more

but she was
a creator herself

and her voice
was leading a

revolution for
the longing

like me to
listen to her

and pray

you were
little not small

you knew more
than you
should have

you were
filled with
feelings

like me
you knew
something
was missing

death entered
early

taking from us
too much
too soon

the gaps were
too large
for us to leap

so we fell
into each other

and now
almost a
grown up

when I
think

for more than
a moment

and I feel too much
I think of you

you were the
first soft thing

I ever knew

shapes are not sizes
and angels are not rain

but they fall

the earth is hard
and life is harder

without wings
or a net

the angry core is fire
compressed

and some stars
explode

but they do not die

she did not
catch me

when I fell

but she did not
promise to either

she had her own problems

I felt it when I landed
no bounce

(like her)

the earth had
nothing left to give

she is small
to the world

a baby’s breath she

creates words
that twist and turn

and burrow deep
and make me think she

takes my breath
with sudden

sounds and
screams she

makes me jump
and want to dance

in strange ways she
makes me want to be

early evening
darkness descends
in clouds
a lightning flash
a thunder crack
a window open
curtains move
is that the
sound of breath
or the wind
is that a touch
or a breeze
I shiver
and try to
keep still

yesterday was another day.  or maybe the same day.  because it wasn’t really different. than today.  does time stop for some of us?

sharp pens make deep holes.  ink flows.  through some of us.  we see things.  and we need.  to turn vision.  into words.  to share.

or to exorcise.  our souls.  we are selfish.  all of us.  at some level.  survival demands it.

2. shed your skin.  show your sins.  show your naked soul.  to someone.  anyone.

I cried today.  watching a scene.  from an old movie.  I have seen it many times.  it always makes me cry.  I watch it anyway.

she tries to hold in everything.  the little girl in the movie.  she loves her damaged daddy. so much.  then he dies.  

and she doesn’t cry.  until she does.  then I cry.  always.

3. maybe it is for.  my damaged daddy.  I cry.  or maybe it is for myself.  having to hold it in.  

if a boy cries in the forest.  or in the street.  or in his room.  and no one hears it…

yesterday was another day. or maybe the same day.  for some of us.

I am small words
beginnings

I can merge
into anyone

and become
anything

belief is a grip
born from hope

formed and deformed
hope is a mutant

disconnected from
beginnings

this is ****
I like to write

taste in the
deepest place

at the source
the impulse

that spreads
into every cell

there is no
resistance

there is no
desire to resist

more than in you
I am part of you

deeper than
blood and breath

I am inside

the program that
controls blood

and breath

there is no you
there is no me

there is only us

what I meant
was hidden

in between
the words I said

it was not
intentional

I don’t always
know what I mean

until I see
what I said

so please
don’t always

take me at
my word

sometimes

I need to
learn about

myself before
I can share

it with you

I am pretty,
like a sunflower

picked clean
by the ravens,

starving for attention.
They shriek when they see

I am naked,
but I will not wilt.

I will stand proud
and they will see

I am pretty
when I am naked

and starving
for attention.

your words
have teeth

and each time
you speak

a piece of
me disappears

into you

I cannot
leave you

it would
feel like

leaving myself

those living
things

living deep
inside

sleep most
days

and most
nights

only come
alive

when you
walk by

and say hi

night angel
with demon teeth

**** me
save me

make me
bleed

make me
breathe

ride the circle
make it fast

from life to
death to

life again

I am a fly
with a billion
eyes

I see futures
for everyone

there is more
than one future

there is no
straight path

to eternity

I met her
as a child

and fell in love

she was so
tall and bright

she lit the world
and helped me see

and I knew
the sunflower

loved me back

she saw the
brightness

I buried
in my soul

I may not
smile as much

today as I
did then

but I
know the

sunflower still
loves me

and I heard words
that jumped at me

fish on a feeding frenzy

we give our life
to meaning

meaning is the
drug

meaning is the
hurricane

spinning
spreading
*******

we create
meaning
in a mushroom

the secret
shhhhh…

knowing which
one is poisonous

I find her
like me

damaged
and alone

sitting
raw

and naked

in the
abandoned

dirt road

waiting for
something

that will never
come

to run
over her

wanting to
feel

her last
moment

if all we said
we said
leaving nothing
unsaid
would we
understand each
other more or less
is there space
for space
between us
does space give
us more meaning
to play with
each other or
more space to
play with others

some tears
fall inside

sight unseen

softening
the soul

preparing
us to be

remade

rising from the rocks
part spirit or smoke

she is not an illusion
she is an appearance

an almost transparent
otherworldly creature

she holds flames
tightly to her chest

as if they came
from her

as if they are part
of her

she looks scared
not knowing what

comes next
what comes of her

appearance in this
strange world

he drank to
disinfect his soul

he felt corrupt
hearing voices

from the past
generations of

drink calling
to him

zombies on
the same path

dead before
they were alive

killing the spirit
of all who

loved them

there is this tree
something mystical
and magical
filled with
thick thorns
hanging off
the branches
are yellow
sun-like bulbs
looking so delightful
and delicious
creating the beginning
of a fairy tale
protecting the entrance
to another world
I dream that one day
I will brave
the thorns and
eat the fruit
to enter this
magical world
and live to tell
my tale

is how I
want to feel

uncivilized
uncultured
undeveloped
immature

a screaming
banshee
ravaging
woods

reaching back
and grabbing
time by
the throat

no one has yet
cursed me
with potential

I cannot
be polished

I will never
shine

so when you
describe me
to another

use the word
raw

and feel
red meat

between your teeth
sliding past your tongue
and down your throat

shall I be dark
and spread
myself thin
so I cover
every inch
and almost
go unnoticed
a mist you
instinctually
detect as
something
amiss but
that you
cannot name
so you get
used to my
presence
and inhale me
in the morning
and let me
stay inside you

she soaked
in a claw

foot tub
head under

water bubbles
floating on

the surface

her hands
played in

the air
each finger

a dancer
improvising

it was her
way of

relaxing

spoke a
language

like nature

each finger
a note

I say three
words

with nuance

only three
words

and each
time we

speak

you seem to
understand

more about me

eventually you
will know

me so well
I won’t have

to speak

how lovely
that will be

this room is
in too deep

stuck in
thick layers
of sick

we live in a semi-circle
and I can’t move

dark thoughts
are snakes
swallowing
themselves

living on
without
a natural end

voices seem
disembodied
detached

meaning is
hard creating
pains

we pass them like
peppermint candy or gas
or kidney stones

I ask you questions
in hard and sudden bursts
to penetrate you

I want to reach the word
in the center of your soul

to unwind the snake
so it can rise within you

giving you the power to
release it once
and for all

this week
life was hard

I fell again

broke my happy bone
became an
emotional invalid

falling
into an
invisible
hole

I was here
close to you
near to you

but you did
not see me

the deer in
your headlights

I wanted
you to hit me
make me feel
something

but I avoided
you again

you missed me
but I was already
gone anyway

unaware of
what you felt
when you missed me

this week was hard

I fell into a shell
and pretended to
be a rock

maybe when you
are bored you will

kick me

she is so young

that she believes
the stars when

they shine

she has not
seen many

dark nights so
each one

seems new
each one is

a lesson
she learns

because that
is what the

young do

One man split into two, the halves greeted each other as if strangers.  “Hello, my name is Mind.”  “Good to meet you Mind, my name is Body.”  They were cordial but apprehensive as one who does not quite trust the other because of unfamiliarity.  They walked next to each but did not fit together as I would have suspected from two halves taken from one whole.  

I could hear her whisper, “Are you cured yet?”  I was still in a fog as she woke me from a very deep sleep to ask me that.  She was in a panic.  I could tell she had been crying for some time.  

I did not know who she was, I could only remember dreams, and nothing else from the life I must have led before.  The nonsense was the only thing that seemed to make sense.  

There must have been something wrong with me, or she wouldn’t have asked me that.  Was it body or mind I did not know? Did she think I was insane or dying?  

I answered, “Yes.”  I guess I am cured because I do not believe anything is wrong with me.

think about
one thing

care about
one thing

challenge
one thing

believe in
one thing

that is
a start

life is honest
it has no layers

nothing to peel through
nothing to analyze

it just is

we create all our
confusion and chaos

and give it to each other
creating layers of

languages

a virus
a dis-ease

we need all this mess
to be human

and so

once again I ask
you who is more

human than me

the emperor
gangland prince

standing above
looking down

spreading arms
as if he owned

the world
surrounded by

all those who fear
looking down on

and all you did
and all you said

rest once more
sweet prince

sleep beneath
your canopy of evil

and wake with a soul
feeling

all you deserve
for what you’ve done

the gentle man
has disappeared

there are no posters
looking for him

the neighborhood
is not holding

hands as they
comb through

the dark forest
there are no

flowers or signs
in his memory

he is not
remembered

or missed
by anyone

but he will be
when silence

and sanity return

funny how you
disappear for so long

that I almost forget you
I almost forget

your possession of me
my obsession of you

and then something
strikes me

suddenly

and I remember you

everything about
you and me

and I am once
again overcome

with you inside of me

dreading the pain
loving the comfort of

familiarity

if you remember
scratched records

when they would skip

you might understand
my mind

falling into a groove
repeating sounds

and words
and feelings

only it’s not as
easy to notice

and there is no one
to move the needle