Why
Why is everything falling apart
Come back
I feel as though I’m scrambling
To piece together the control
I thought I had
This quarantine has forced me
To look in the mirror
Because all other directions
I tried to escape to look
Have lost their charm
I no longer find the thrill
In binge watching movies
Scrolling through social media
Reading romance books
Working out
I feel like everything is slipping
And I can’t control the natural path of the fall
That’s disregarding my defense mechanisms
And now I am forced
To look in the mirror
And truly look
At what I’ve become
Who I’ve been afraid of confronting
And explore why it’s taken me this long
To finally
Come back home to myself

My mother
Made it harder for me
To find my identity
Because she shamed autonomy
Which is why
I struggled to separate
My opinions and behaviors
I didn’t know
If I liked and disliked things
Because she made me believe in such
Or if it truly was my decision

if you only knew
the addiction that you're feeding
with your compliments

my body that you praise
the toned muscles "in all the right spots"
it's the product of
binge eating episodes
compulsive measuring of
every
gram
of
every
single
meal
i
ate
throughout the day
painful joints
from pushing past what should be safe and acceptable
paranoia and overwhelming anxiety
from missing a workout
or feeling as if i didn't push myself "hard" enough
when in the gym
the stress that followed me
when i couldn't count the macros in a meal
so i would bring my meal preps
everywhere
with
me
at sleepovers
and even restaurants
this
is the ugly side of my body and healthiness

my clothes and makeup that you praise
it's a mask that holds up my confidence
the one you say you admire so much
my attempt to cope with my insecurity
of believing that I was ugly
so much so
that at one point
i never took photos
looked in mirrors
or took off layers of jackets
i kept on my body during the summer
this
is the ugly side of my "envious" makeup and style

my grades that you are shocked by
how can a girl
that looks like you do have
consecutive 4.0s from middle school to nursing school in college
they have been my attempt to cope with an insecurity
of believing that i was dumb
and would never surmount to anything
they are the product
of my unintentional weight loss that fluctuated
in middle and high school
because my chronic stress would take away my appetite
lunches were comprised of library study sessions
i would throw up
dry heave mostly
in the mornings
before exams
because it made my nerves go away
having night terrors with school
where i would wake up sweaty and scared
my heart beat pounding in my ears
endless hours of crying
wishing i was "normal"
whatever that means
never taking the time
of admiring my accomplishments
because the fear of the next assignment
consumed me
not knowing how to answer the question
what do you do outside of school
to take care of yourself
and being shocked by the silence
that lingered for way too long
and the tears that quietly ran down my cheeks
not knowing what self-care was
because i was so consumed with my grades
truly believing that i didn't deserve to go to school
if i got an A-
when i was in sixth grade
this
is the ugly side of my academic achievements

i guess some would say i'm someone that
"has it all"
but tell me this
why is it when i had "everything"
the face
the body
the style
the grades
the personality
the talents
when i felt like i had absolutely nothing
when i felt like i was absolutely nothing
my story is not for everyone
not everyone can relate
but everyone can see the ugliness in carnal perfection
it's empty
but appears to be filled with substance
like a hot air balloon

when i had "everything"
i was at my lowest
and now
i'm learning what balance is
what self-care is
what it means to be original
and not a carbon copy of society's perfection in the flesh
i work out
but for myself and not for numbers
i don't track anything
i wear makeup when i want to
and dress how i feel like dressing
slowly learning to have a genuine confidence
and love for myself
i don't study as much as i used to
i take that time and invest it into others hobbies
like when i featured in a song
went dancing to a club in the city
went to a Kevin Gates concert
i'm finally learning who i am
i'm finally living for myself
i hope you are as well

How much
Are you willing to do
For lust

Would you follow them into their black hole disguised as an enticing mystery

Endure suffering
Inflict emotional slashes that rip and tear
Through the flesh of your mind and body

Would you shatter yourself
Pick up the pieces of you
That they need
Only to be left incomplete
Because you’re used to being the fixer
And never the one fixed

How far would you go
Where would you set your limits
They’re not as black and white
As one might believe

How much
Are you willing to do
For lust
Or maybe
I’m the one confused
Maybe
I’ve mistaken love for lust
Due to an incapability of believing in love
Maybe
Just maybe  
But still
How far is one willing to go
For love
Or lust

No longer
Will I mimic others
Without listening to what I want
I am my own person
I take up space
I have thoughts
I have opinions
I have desires
I have dreams
All of which I ignored
For the sake of being a mirror
Of someone else’s reflection
If I want to drink
I’ll drink
If I want to go explore Seattle by myself
I’ll go
If I want to meaninglessly flirt with a hot stranger
I’ll flirt
If I want to dance sensually
I’ll dance
If I want to show off my body
I’ll show off my body
If I want to talk to someone
I’ll go talk to them
If I want to study psychology
I’ll study it
If I want to break cycles of trauma
I’ll will break them and heal
If I want to have a boyfriend
I’ll be with him
If I support ****** education
I’ll support it
If I want to have ***
I’ll have ***
If I want to attract attention
I’ll attract it
If I want to wear a tight outfit
I’ll wear it
If I want to show off my stomach
I’ll flaunt it
If I want to go eat
I’ll eat
If I want to be loud in public
I’ll be loud
If I want to pretend I’m someone I’m not
I’ll pretend and win an Oscar
The point is
I am my own person
I am my own entity
I am not my mother’s copy
Or anyone else’s
I am not society’s poster child
I have differences
In my opinions
In my thoughts
In my desires
In my values
And I own them
I was never meant to be anyone’s mirror
But my own
I will do what I want
Because I embrace who I am
And not care what others think
To a certain extent
Because I am my own person
Who wants to express what that is
Life is too short
To not do what you truly
Deep down inside
Want to do
Because the values you had before
That you adopted from other people
Were never truly yours
To begin with
So
What do you want
Who do want be be
Is it who you are right now
If not
Then what’s holding you back
Find out who you are
Be you want to be

I love the human hands
They have so much beauty in them
And often get overlooked
But not this time because
As I slowly lower my hand to your chest
I’m aware of the 15,000 sensory neurons
That light up as my fingertips brush against your goosebumps
That quickly break out on your skin
Your quick intake of breath causes me to lift my gaze towards your dilated pupils
Which is drowned in lust
I focus back on my hand
Which begins the journey of descending towards your stomach
But as I near your happy trails
Eager to touch
You grasp my hand in yours
And lift it to your mouth for a light kiss
As you flirtatiously laugh
While shaking your head at me
I then begin to take both of my hands
And mold them to your jawline
Once my hands slide along your neck
Feeling your pulse beneath my fingertips
Making their way to your collarbone
I lift my right leg over your hip
Until I’m straddling you
You quickly grasp my hips tightly
With both of your hands
Warning in your eyes
While mine carry mischief as I bite my lip
You shift me forward so I’m no longer aligned with you but your belly button
But in doing so
You let out a restrained moan
Which spurs me on
Easy baby
You whimper
And my hands begin their new journey
Which lights up my mind
As I explore
The beauty that is you
In silence
In eye contact
In touch

And as we lay together
Face to face
Nothing but silence and eye contact
I start to linger on all of your other ****** features
That compete for my attention
I get lost in the way your tongue quickly moves against your bottom lip
Which soon lifts at its corners
To form a smile that I hope is sensual
Only to be redirected in my gaze
When your fingertips delicately lift my chin
Eyes up here
You say gently with amusement in yours
I blush and try to hide my face in my pillow for getting caught
But you just pull me closer to your chest
I love how you let me be in my emotions
Knowing when to intervene
And when to let them take their course
No one has done that before
And as I muster up the courage to lift my head and ask you a question I’ve been dying to ask
You murmur against my ear
What is it
I then boldly look into your eyes
Wait a few seconds
Soaking in the beauty that is uniquely you
And say on an exhale
I want to touch you
I want to examine your beauty slowly in silence
You attempt to suppress your shock
But nod and place my hand on your chest
Have at it
Just tell me what to do
I grab at the soft cotton in my hand and begin to pull it upwards
Which you help me with
I then push on your shoulders
Until you fall back onto the bed
I take my time
Etching into memory the slopes and curves of your torso and arms
I look into your eyes and blush
Mesmerized in the reverence I see reflected towards me
I look at the way your chest rises and falls
In tune to my heart rate that’s also gradually speeding up
This is what I’ve always wanted
These moments of connection with no words
A lover that understands me
And yet I find myself pinching my arm
To ensure that I’m not dreaming
And that you won’t be an image that is gone once I open my eyes

She’s broken within
A chaos floating in the wind
A balloon with no ties
Head filled with nothing but a high
She’s broken within
A chaos floating in the wind

In order to share myself with someone
It implies that I know myself
So before I go into a relationship
I must first know myself
I must first know how to date myself
How I respond
When I’m excited
When I’m mad
When I’m sad
What my love language is
What my apology language is
What my remedy is when I’m down
How to label my emotions
And engage with them
So that I can accurately communicate
Them with another

Empty
Devoid of any human experience
Regarding the beauty
In sensual physicality with another soul
One that deeply revers me
To the point of supernatural ecstasy
Found in the quick secretive glances from across a room
To the beautiful throes of passion
Which is only a black dark hole in my brain
Since it does not present itself as a reality
My reality
Yet
So here I lay
At 1:26am on a Tuesday night
During my spring break
As a sophomore in college
Listening to ******* by pink sweat$
On repeat in the dark
Writing poetry
As I feel the ache
Of never experiencing the sensual ache
Caused by the
Sounds
Looks
Touches
Of another
Of anyone other than my own *******
But one day
I’ll read to you
My love
All of my poems
Where I ache to be with my soulmate
Because I know you’re out there
It’s just not our time
Right now
In this moment
As I lay on my bed
Writing poems about missing you
And your touch
Which I know I’ll love
So
Until then
[insert name of soulmate]

Physical beauty such as one’s looks
Is truly short term-gratification
Internal beauty such as one’s
Mind or character
Is truly long-term gratification

You looked so beautiful
Artificial even
In the most original, unconventional way
Yet
I’ve tasted rejection
The millennial version
One unaccepted follow request
Was all it took
For me to nurse my hurt ego
Into a cathartic poem

I guess we were just never meant to be
And that’s okay
Because rejection is redirection
Towards my soulmate

I’m still a little embarrassed though
Hopefully when I see you
I don’t feel the need to hide
My head in the ground like an ostrich

I just smile and act as if you didn’t see me
But I still hold on to hope
Hope that maybe
Just maybe
You didn’t add me
Because you didn’t know me
I will never know
And that’s okay
Or at least that what I’m telling myself
So
It’s been a fun three weeks
Anton
Maybe I’ll read this to you someday
Or I won’t
Only time will tell

It’s quite poetically tragic
How you were my muse
Yet I
Was only an afterthought
To you
Even though you made me believe
That I was the sun in your solar system
Oh how bitter it tastes
Knowing your body language
Never lied
Yet I
Chose to listen to the words from those
Poisonous lips
Of yours
As they molded a facade over you
That kept me from the truth

After years of internal emotional torment
I’ve finally realized
That my issue
Was never about being perfect
It was about appearing to be perfect
Was never about if I was good
It was about if I was good enough

A pretty face
Isn’t hard to come by
But a beautiful soul
Now that
Is a rarity
On its own
That not many get the privilege
Of experiencing

Baby please
Please express yourself unconditionally
Because I will love you
Unconditionally
Give me the good and the bad
Don’t pick and choose
What you want me to see
I want to see the most authentic version
Of you
The one you hide
From everyone
Even from yourself
Let me see you
The unrevised you that you try so hard
To conceal
You fear rejection if you show me
But what you don’t see
Is that I’ve already done this process
With myself
I’ve stripped away my facade
To the point where I was just a string
Of stereotypes and personas
And it was in that moment
Where I began to explore who I truly was
When I learned to love myself unconditionally
It’s a daily battle
Healing
Even quite messy
Yet no one tells you that version of it
But I’m here for you
Just like another was there for me
So baby
Please
Please break for me
No
Break for you
So that you can learn to love yourself
Unconditionally
In the way that I love you
Unconditionally

When you threaten another
By your character or achievements
There will always be people
Waiting to criticize
E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
To judge your actions
Whether they fall short
Or aim outside of what’s deemed “appropriate” or “acceptable”
They focus on you
Because it sheds light
Consciously or unconsciously
On an insecurity of theirs
That manifests into
Jealousy or envy
Towards you

So understand
Being “perfect”
Is one of the worst adjectives
You can use
To describe another
Because it sets them up for internal chaos
That they aren’t equipped to fight
Unless they realize
They are independent from the thoughts
Of others and society altogether

Just a glimpse
Three seconds to be exact
Just like the research told me
That’s all it took
For me to continue my
Lingering stares

I would look for you
In places where I’ve seen you before
Trying to flirt with the butterflies
No dinosaurs
In the pit of my stomach
So that they could take five
Just enough time for me to be bold
To be confident in myself
Enough to look at you
For more than three seconds
Without quickly darting my gaze away

I’m not sure what captured my attention
There was just something unspoken
About you
But I wonder if it was just neediness
Because it’s been years
Since I really liked anyone
So maybe I like you
Because I miss the feeling
Of have a crush
Of having the nervousness
The sweaty palms
The shy smiles
Rosy blushes
Face splitting grins

Maybe I only have a crush on you
Because I needed the reminder
Of what it’s like
To have a crush
Because now that I’ve seen you
A few times
I think the infatuation has subsided
I love it
Yet I hate it
All at the same time

I want to know what it feels like
To have have your lips trail across my
Lips
Jaw
Neck
And collarbone
I want to know what it feels like
To have your hands
Gently caress the surface of my palms
Tightly grasp my waist
Leisurely move through my hair
Intentionally be placed on my inner thigh
I want to know what it feels like
To be kissed
Lightly
Slowly
Sloppily
Heatedly
Sensually
Harshly
Quickly­
On the forehead
On the tip of my nose
On my lips
On my neck
On my chest
On my stomach
I want to know what it feels like
To have someone who loves your
Body
Mind
And spirit
With no inhibitions
With no conditions

WHERE ARE YOU
do you think of me before you sleep
am I in your prayers
DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN SOULMATES
can I still be yours
because I still believe
I have to
because just the thought of you
keeps me alive
even though we’ve never met

I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE
I just want someone to hug
someone to cuddle with
someone to kiss
someone to hold hands with
I CRAVE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL
INTIMACY
because I’ve been depraved of it
for far too long

sometimes I cry
because I feel the gravity of my loneliness
because I just want to be held
for longer than 3 seconds

I feel
TIRED
ALONE
EXHAUSTED
and ISOLATED
when will it all go away
how much longer must I wait
before you
the love of my life
meet
so we don’t have to feel so empty
anymore

When was the last time
You felt as though
You were seen
Facade and stereotypes aside
Just a bare, broken soul inside
Exposed to the compassionate other
Or more importantly
Have you ever felt seen
Has anyone ever looked past
The exterior you coat yourself in
Whether it be one of
Indifference
Kindness
Hatred or
Pride

When you no longer have control
Over your
Legs
Arms
Hands
Tongue
When you no longer have the independence
To speak
To move
Do you still feel the presence of love
Do you still feel the presence of right relationally with another
When you can’t translate that
Through words or actions

You are not your failures
But most importantly
You are not your achievements either
So
Who are you

It’s in these moments
Of complete and utter isolation
Where we feel as though we don’t even know who we are
Where we begin to truly understand ourselves for the first time

I want you right now
Like some want six-pack abs
It’s an unrealistic goal
To want it immediately
Because many things are needed
Patience
Self discipline
And consistency
But I can’t help but wish you were
Right here
Right now
Like some wish for abs
When they look at their stomach
I just want to hug you
For long periods of times
Let you paint my nails
And laugh at your technique
Allow you to braid my hair
After I teach you how to do so
Shave your beard
And apply tissue paper on your cuts
Make terrible friendship bracelets
And tie them around each other’s ankles
Let you teach me how to play a game you like
Go on ride alongs
where we each gather music for a certain mood
And do nothings but drive and listen
I want you
Right here
Right now
Like some want six-pack abs
But
In order for that to happen
I need to meet you  
I need to know who you are
Your face
Your name
Your favorite color
Your go to remedy for when you’re down
I need to create a history with you
But right now
I just want all the cute moments
Just like how some wish for abs
They want the aesthetic
Without having to train and eat for it

I’ve dealt with insecurity
For quite a long time
Some have said
You have no reason to be insecure
But
If you can explain it’s irrationality
Explain why I couldn’t look at myself
In the mirror to wash my hands
If I were in a public bathroom
Explain why I truly believed that
If a person said “you’re beautiful” to me
I genuinely thought they pitied me
And could see how insecure I was
So they felt inclined to compliment me
Explain why I could never try on jackets
In a store
And look at myself while other shoppers
Passed by
Without blushing profusely
Explain why I would look away quickly
After making eye contact
Or when being first introduced to someone
You see
I’ve fought for my confidence
In ways no one will truly understand
I get overwhelmingly proud of myself
For maintaining eye contact
And going to shop for clothes
Such mundane tasks
That others don’t even think about
Would silently mock me
When I was in the dark
However
What’s touched me the most
Is that I’ve learned to love myself
The most
When I was watching
And listening for the fifth time
To a little girl
Nine years old to be exact
Who pulled me into the piano room
Of a church  after service
So she could show me
Her progress on a song she’s learning
You see
She too has insecurity issues
And struggles to see her beauty
But that’s all I see
When I look at her
And it hurts me to see that she can’t see
Her beauty
Outwards and within
Regardless of the compliments I give her
And reminders I verbalize
Week after week
So
I learned to love myself
The most
While I listened to her play
And realized what it’s like
To be on the other side
To love someone who doesn’t love themselves
To love someone who is insecure
To love someone
And understand that your  voice
Might not be enough for them
To start loving themselves
I look at her and wouldn’t change a thing
And that is the way I began to look
At myself
And that is the way I began to love myself
The most

Some didn’t see it right away
Because their minds weren’t capable
Of realizing the magnitude of its meaning
Some overlooked it
Because the time they needed to put in
Exceeded their curiosity
But some cherished and understood it
For a classic is a classic for a reason
And some may never have the privilege
Of ever learning or understanding it
Because they were
Too shy
Too intimidated
Too lazy
Too occupied
To open the cover
And discover
The beauty
That is you

To my past lover
Who will never read this poem
Like you used to
With all the other ones I would write
Where you were my muse
When we were together

I miss the way you used to say my name
Because it sounded exactly like how you would say
I love you

The thing with my glass heart
Is that it
Fills very quickly
But breaks very easily
So I ask you
Can I trust you to hold my delicate heart
Or should you return it now
Before it fills anymore
Before it falls and breaks
Pieces scatter
To the point where I can’t piece it back together

Pull me flush against you
Skin on skin
Grasp my waist tightly under my shirt
And allow me to freely roam my hands
Across your chest
Stare at me as I admire the masterpiece
That is you
Close your eyes as I roughly run my hands
Through your hair
Only to gently press my lips
Against your eyelids
Forehead
Cheekbones
Jawline
Corners of your lips
And on the tip of your nose
I want your breath
Panting
In my ear
I want to feel your hands
Against my body and its curves
As your eyes lock onto mine
Soaking in all of my expressions
As you explore parts of my body
No one has before
I want to hear the quick intake of air
When I tell you I love you
As my lips are pressed against your heart

I was once asked
What my biggest turn on was
Usually
People begin to explain a specific aesthetic
Or cliche action
But to me
It’s reciprocation
Just knowing that someone wants you
The same way you want them
Speaks louder than any physical feature
The fact that they could choose anyone
In this world of eight billion people
And they decided to choose to
Be intimate with you
And reciprocate that desire
Physically and emotionally
Is the biggest turn on

We hadn’t kissed yet
But my name would roll off your tongue
As if we did
And I was dying to know how it tasted
On your lips

While I would lay on your bare chest
Your lips pressed against my neck
As your fingertips drew on my back
When mine drew
I love you
Which you weren’t aware of yet
On your shoulder
I would always quietly ask you
What you were writing
Your response
Time and time again
Would only be a smile
Which I would feel travel from my throat
To my soul
But today
You gently said my full name
But with your last name

While I would lay on your chest
Your lips pressed against my neck
As your fingertips drew on my back
I would always quietly ask you
What you were writing
You would smile
Which I would feel travel from my throat
To my soul
And gently say my full name
But with your last name

I’ve never been in a relationship before
But
I know that I’ll fall hard
When I do
You see
I have an all or nothing mindset
Coupled with a hopeless romantic lens
Which equals an interesting combination
I’m so excited
Yet a little afraid
Cuz my heart
It’s big
But it’s also fragile
My mind
It’s so hopeful
Yet it too has its realistic limitations
I don’t know
How we will meet
Or what they will look like
But
I know that I will love fiercely
Now
I must find the one whose love for me
Challenges the love I have for him

You're the kind of girl
That doesn’t get asked out
Not because no one wants to
But because we’re too scared to
You see
You’re the utopia we hope to have one day
But the thing with utopias is that
They're never meant to be obtained
But yearned for