to the boy who will split me open
gently reach inside
pry my ribs apart
and delicately hold my heart
in the palms of his hands
know that i cannot wait to learn
the way you squirm when i kiss your neck
the way you attempt to suppress a smile
when i grab your upper thigh beneath the table
at a friends' dinner party
the way you moan and stretch in bed
during our late mornings together
the way you like to have me run my fingers through your hair
the way you want me to hold your face as we kiss
the way you groan when my hand finds your arousal
the way you bite your lip when i show you each of my outfits
and do a twirl for you
the way you like to hold my hand
and rub your thumb across my bottom lip
the way you effortlessly laugh at my terrible jokes
the way you look at me with unspoken reverence
when I catch you staring and you thought I wouldn't
the way you like to grab my waist underneath my shirt
to lift me up into your arms
the way you kiss me passionately
without a care to anyone who can see us
when i see you for the first time in the day
the way you caress my hipbone when we cuddle
knowing that it was once my biggest insecurity
until i met you and you showed me
just how much you love spending time in-between them
the way your friends tell me how you talk to them about me
the way you look at me
from head to toe
when i sensually flirt with you
just to see how far you can restrain yourself
before you act on your desires
the way you desperately whisper
my name like a prayer
as I move on top of you
to straddle your lap
in the middle of us making out
the way you quietly murmur
one day i'm going to marry you
as we are laying in bed
and you think i have fallen asleep before you
the way you get nervously excited
when i smile widely in your direction
knowing that mischief is going to rear its head
around the corner sometime soon
the way you hold me close to your chest
as we sway to music in the dark
this goes to the boy who will get to engage with me in ways
that no one else will
i cannot wait for the day
where I get to learn more about the complexity
that is your mind

I’m glad I haven’t experienced
Physical intimacy with another
Because now
With the knowledge I have
All of my experiences
Will be with someone who reveres me
Teenage insecurity no longer influencing my acceptance of low-standard decisions
Each new sensation
Will not go unnoticed
I’ll be fully absorbed
And intentional in the moments where
A man tightly grasps my waist
Under my shirt
For the first time

Delicately moves his lips against mine only to spread them open
With his skilled tongue

Moments where a man
Slowly peels off my shirt
In an unhurried lust

Roams his rough palms across my bare chest and focuses his attention on my hardened *******

The moment where a man
kisses my breast softly
For the first time

It’s almost a contradiction
To love someone
When they are angry
When they are jealous
When they are vain
But it’s easy for many
To love someone
When they are joyful
When they are humble
When they are empathetic
It’s as if we have been misled
To provide conditional positive regard
Unconditional love
Is hard to encounter
A blessing to receive
And a burden to maintain

In whatever you pursue to do
Or choose to believe
I only ask of one thing from you
Be passionate
But don’t let it
Foolishly blind you
From emotionally and intellectually
Tolerating ideas or activities
That challenge
Oppose
Or skeptically question your own
For it was once said
That the mark of an educated man
Is one who is able to entertain a thought
Without accepting it

you tend to enter my mind
on days like these
where love is celebrated
on other days
in moments where I feel the most alone
I think about you
I get a warm fuzzy feeling
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I know how you make me feel
loved
unconditionally
and it soaks my mind with a gentle touch
foreign yet familiar
and when it is a holiday
I tend to think of you
knowing that even though I do not know
your name
your face
I do know that you are celebrating the day
at least I like to think so
in those moments where I feel so alone
my mind tends to drift to you
and a smile kisses the corners of my lips
I may not have anyone right now
but I do know that I will have you
one day

i have learned
that not everyone will love me
and that is okay
because i was never made to be loved by everyone
i was made to reach my most authentic self
and as i continue to honor myself
i will naturally attract those that revere my authenticity

i have also learned
that i often used comparison
as a means of measuring my worthiness for love
but now i have realized that
there is enough love for everyone on this earth
i am no longer in competition for love
since i already have it within myself
for example
another's beauty doesn't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
another's accomplishments don't negate my own
it also doesn't lessen my worthiness of love
since i now understand that we are all worthy of a love
that is external to works or identity

i desire to have someone
so thoughtful
that they analyze the way in which
they graze their fingertips across my arm
as I lay on their chest
i desire to have someone
who closes their eyes
to remind themselves
of the feeling of my body pressed against theirs
i desire to have someone
who passionately seeks to please me
in more ways than one
i desire to have someone
stroke my hair lightly
feed me soup
and whisper sweet nothings in my ear
when i get sick
i desire to have someone
that sweeps me off my feet literally
every now and then
to remind me of the adrenaline
that would flood my veins
when we first dated
i desire to have someone
who takes me out on midnight walks
where we silently hold hands
as we rejoice simply in the company of one another
no words needed to be shared
i desire to have someone
who sings me to sleep
when i struggle to find rest in our bed
i desire to have someone
who creates intimate jokes and games
that we play with one another
until the day our hair turns gray
i desire to have someone
who dries the dishes as i wash them
only to turn on cigarettes after $ex
where they grab me to slow dance
in the middle of the kitchen
all while my hands still have soap on them
and we giggle silently
pressing our foreheads together
as we hope to not wake our kids
i desire to have someone
who continuously seeks to understand me
and grow independently
as the years go by
so that we may keep an open dialogue
and have the kind of love
that surpasses anything we have ever seen
or heard of

touching the darkness of the expired night
with every breath I take
I stare up at a ceiling I cannot see
laying on top of a stranger's bed
with the tune of rain falling upon the roof and windowpane
echoing softly behind the melancholic melodies of Giveon
I cannot sleep
as evidenced by the night's presence breathing on my neck
my thoughts all tend to drift to you
I cannot let you out of my mind
the memories of you burn more passionately than ever before
and yet
my tears sooth their lingering sting
as they slowly descend down the sides of my face
while I remain motionless
I wish you could leave me in peace
I cannot escape you
even in the comfort of my own mind
but part of me also hopes that you never do
All my senses blur
darkness fades
and in its place is your captivating silhouette
which laughs as you turn to smile in my direction
I close my eyes
and yet
I cannot get past the taste of your lips on mine
I try to focus on anything else
but its almost as if you're teasing me
like you once did before
I begin to hear your laughter
and smell your distinctive scent
it feels so real
almost as if I were laying right beside you
tucked into your body
as you would wrap your arm around me tightly
I open my eyes
gasp for air
and quietly whisper to no one but myself
how much longer must I wait
until I no longer feel as though I am only half of a human
why did you have to be so tender
so attentive
so thoughtful and observant
you've ruined me
and now I don't know how to cope
no one treated me the way you did
and I miss your comfort
I miss you

your personality
is the product of your conditioning from childhood
where you were modeled certain behavior
one's conditioning is made up of
coping mechanisms
boundaries or lack there of
relationship dynamics
emotional regulation
core belief systems
we only know what we know
unless we choose to pursue more
more than what we know

death and ignorance

they say if you struggle with addiction
use the acronym HALT
to analyze if your urge can subside
once you go through the acronym
and see if you just need to meet those needs
to get the urges to go away or dampen
so ask yourself
are you hungry
are you angry
are you lonely
are you tired
while this is a good tool
it does not work for me
my addiction stems from feeling lonely
and what I want
is something that I can't ask for
I want to be held
I want to cuddle with someone who
deeply loves me with admirable reverence
a seasoned and mature love
but I do not have that
and I cannot ask someone for that need to be met
I am aware that this stems from my childhood
a need that was not met adequately
but ****
it *****
and that's why I engage in my addiction
it provides a superficial sense of intimacy
I just want to be held in a loving embrace
and yet I shy away from physical contact with others

you looked at me
and thought I was perfection in the flesh
you projected an image onto me
then fell in love with it
not me
only to be left disappointed
once you realized that you fell for someone
who did not exist
you dehumanized me
placed me on a pedestal that I couldn't even reach
I felt exhausted
discouraged
you didn't see me for me
you saw me how you wished me to be
and for that
I won't say that I am sorry
but I will say it to myself
for thinking that I needed to be someone
other than who I am
because I am enough
in my most authentic form
which you never got the privilege of experiencing
and never will

I thank you
for making the selfish decision
to focus on yourself
and rediscover who you are
to pledge to intentionality
and leap into the complex journey
of learning and exploring
your mind and body
with an innocent curiosity

falling in love with yourself
is much like relaxation
and cathartic healing
it is not a passive process
but an active one
you must push against society's desires for you
and exit cycles of relational trauma
that potentiated your insecurity
and negative self talk

if you see anything that contains the message
that you must work
to be someone
or to have something
in order to be counted worthy of love
relabel the experience
and refocus your attention
to the truth and your birthright
you are loved unconditionally

your super power
is that there is no one else
quite like you
your being
your essence
mixed with your particular divine energy
is enough
worthy of love

you have two options in this world
to love yourself unconditionally
or to love yourself conditionally
you decide which one you live out

every day
is an opportunity for healing
for selfishness
to pick yourself
and begin the process
of falling in love
with who you are
as you meet yourself
where you currently are
with much grace
and forgiveness

beyond procreation
and even beyond spiritual growth
I think the purpose of romantic relationships
is to be caretakers of each others traumatized parts
and to love those parts
and to hold space for those parts
because what that does
is it gives our partner and ourselves
what is called a disconfirming experience
that's a corrective experience
that was missing when they were growing up
so it's not that you're being their mother
or father or whatever
but you're giving this part of their personality
a safe space to finally express itself
to not be rejected
to not be abandoned
and to not be shamed
that is so so powerful
and people will try to do all kinds of stuff
instead of that
get a pluses
make ten million
do a launch
get a million followers
but all we're looking for is a corrective experience
of parts of ourselves
that have never really been allowed to see the light of day
it's an important process

all relationship drama  
the purpose of it
is to surface the trauma
and to have it be resolved in the relationship
not separated
that is the goal
to be a safe container for each other

we can use relationships
to be this container of our healing

because in relational trauma cycles
when you pick someone
who's not emotionally available
the benefit to your nervous system
is that you don't have to be be vulnerable either
so there is a level of safety in that

balance
such a colloquial word
and yet
its application is so foreign
how do I find balance between
trusting someone and questioning their motives
I don't want to be blindly trustful and get hurt
but I also don't want to be hardened
to the point that I lack trust in anyone but myself
so
what is the balance

being honest and also concealing the truth
I had a tendency of over explaining myself to others
that concealing information was immoral
that if I wanted a relationship to work
I needed to tell the honest truth and all the information
but there is a beauty
in concealing information and withholding the truth
it is an art
that I am learning to master

a being that is easy to anger
is easily controlled

our minds are an object of great power
so much so
that those whose veins run with greed
seek to manipulate that power into theirs
by stealing the currency of others
which is attention
this is then used to create neural pathways that flow with
self hatred
jealousy
envy
insecurity
unattainable beauty
great sadness
and the more these messages are seen
the more the subconscious becomes defiled
the mind is then rendered weak
until it becomes aware of its power
and desires to transform itself
neuroplasticity
it gives hope to those who believed
that there was none left for them

there are people less qualified than you
doing the things you wish to do
the only difference
they believed in themselves
you did not
this is an idea that spoke to me in volumes
when i first heard it
my wish for you
dear reader
is that you find the courage
to believe in yourself

I firmly believe that
we express to the extent of our understanding
you express forgiveness
to the extent that you understand forgiveness
you express love
to the extent that you understand love
you express humility
to the extent that you understand humility
if your understanding is distorted
your expression is an extent of that
however
it is important to note
that we express what has been shown
to others
and to ourselves
when we were young
we gained these relational templates
through our youth
your ability to forgive
love
is heavily influenced by the way
it was demonstrated to you
and to those around you

first is admiration of the body
of the seen
you find beauty in an individual's physical looks
but then
you realizes that those physical looks alone
are not specific to only that particular person
this then expands to finding beauty in many people
with those physical looks
commonly known as having a type regarding looks

second is admiration of the personality
of the unseen
you find beauty in the thoughts
beliefs
or opinions
of an individual
but then
you realizes that those thoughts
beliefs
or opinions alone
are not specific to only that particular person
this then expands to finding beauty in many people
that hold those similar thoughts
beliefs
or opinions
commonly known as having a type regarding personality

third is admiration for the institutions of thought
the structures that are the origins for the thoughts
beliefs
and opinions
this is the transitional stage
where one finds beauty beyond the human
and in the customs
in the institutions
philosophies
theories
or religions
that hold the previous thoughts
beliefs
and opinions

and lastly is the admiration of God
who is the source of all creation
from beautiful things
to beautiful bodies
to beautiful thoughts
beliefs
and opinions
and lastly
the beauty of learning

i was staring at the night's sky
and noticed the poetic beauty
in knowing that if you want to see a shooting star
you have to go to darker places
where there is less light
to view such an event

it is so powerful
it carries with it an overlooked beauty
it comes in various forms
and has the ability to convey so much information
once you become aware of its divine magnificence

when it comes to the hand
there are many tightly bundled sensory neurons spread across its surface
especially on the tips of your fingers
whether you gently stroke someone's bottom lip in wonder
firmly press your finger tips into the waist of a passionate lover
softly cradle the hand of a newborn
make stinging contact with the cheek of an individual which you scorn

then there are the lips
they are one of the most sensitive areas on your body
with over a million nerve endings
so even the slightest brush
sends a cascade of information to our brains
they are our body's most exposed erogenous zone
yet they also can communicate many different
sensations and experiences
whether that be the sensual brush of another's lips against yours
the soft feeling of a baby's hair as you kiss them goodbye
or the euphoric high that numbs them as you dance in bliss

there is also the tongue
the ears
the *******
and so on

touch
it is so powerful
it has the ability to convey the way you feel
about others and yourself
it can also demonstrate the feelings
that others have towards you

and as i sit in this church pew
i can't help but find myself writing poetry on my left palm
i use the pens that are supplied
behind the backs of the wooden rows
and let my mind wander
to places where my golden thoughts lay
i am also aware that these captured emotions
are written from stolen ink
and pressed onto my sensitive flesh
only to disappear from sight
when i fold my hands together
bow my knees
and begin to pray

Your presence alone
Is enough
No words are needed to be said
No actions are needed to be expressed
Just your presence alone
Is enough

how are you really doing
-> insert photo with lots of adjectives describing emotional states; if none are applicable, then just state energy level (high or low) and pleasantness (high or low)

2. share two poems: one you have recently read and one you have recently written

3. three life events that have happened
-> state whether you would like feedback or if you would like to just be listened to

4. answer four questions from the list ( if a list is not created, then just ask four thought provoking or simple questions; how did you learn to ride a bike; who makes you feel the most loved, etc.)

5. write a poem about a certain topic or style then share it with one another

6. part with asking how they are currently doing
-> state an adjective and use level of energy and pleasantness

men may be the head of the household
but do not confuse
role for power
i have met egotistical dominant *******
and push over submissive women

there is purpose in roles
i do not forget this
but when one mistakes a role
in relation to an assumed power structure
foolishness emerges

it is good for the man to be the head
it is good for the woman to be the body
for one is nothing without the other
and due to this
they must be seen as equals
with different functions
that influence each other
and work together to create a product
that surpasses anything
one party can produce alone

i use words and phrases
almost everyday
and yet
i find myself realizing that i do not truly understand
the meaning behind the words i use
and it numbs me
language is powerful
and yet i find myself confused of the one i possess

FORGIVE
/fərˈɡiv/
verb
stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake

have i ever truly forgiven those that i told myself i have
this definition shocked me
i use it often and yet i did not even know what it really meant

COURAGEOUS
/kəˈrājəs/
adjective
the choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation

the list goes on and on
...
..
.

regarding addiction
daniel amen once said
the behavior is not the problem
it is the expression of the problem
that is not to say that the behavior is not a problem
because it possesses the ability to be one
but it is not the problem
the problem is what compelled the individual
to use the behavior as a means of coping
the behavior is an expression
of a human's attempt to find resolution within
it is the diseased leaves
that have manifested from a rotting root
yet we still like to blame and look at the leaves in isolation
we try to treat the leaves
when the root is what must be tended to
but the leaves are easily noticed
the root is not
it is buried behind weeds and soil
it requires more effort and thought

your partner
is a reflection
of your self worth
how they interact with you
is a mirror to the tolerance you have with yourself
to the grace you bestow upon your being
the way they treat you
is an echo
to the way you treat yourself
to the way you allow certain behaviors to be accepted
your partner
is a reflection
of the love that you think you deserve
make sure it is one of substance
one of unconditional love
filled with patience grace and fluidity

Sometimes I laugh under my breath
When I am around those
That think they know me
If only they read some of my poems
Would they be shocked
By how much they actually don’t know

Would you tell a child
That is crying
To **** it up
Or to stop crying
No?
Then when your inner child
Comes out from its shadows within you
And starts crying
Allow them to
Don’t stop the process
Allow the inner child
To heal
To tend the wound that wasn’t drained
Of suppressed emotions
When you were younger
And didn’t have the knowledge
That you have today

i have realized
that it is in silence
where my voice thrives
it is where i truly found my voice
and welcomed her with open arms

this world does not want us to find our voices
no matter how much it advertises for it
because once we do
we begin to realize the power behind it
and the lies that were found in the noise
of the world

find your voice
strip your mind of all other narratives
and listen to the one that has been buried down
beneath all the trash
there lies your most authentic self
the one that has been there
all along

eyes closed
palms gently resting against my thighs
deep inhale
slow exhale
repeat
this is all i know
that will be with me in the future
as i close my eyes
and feel my chest expand and retract
as i become aware of the places on my body
that connect and ground me with the earth
i find peace
in knowing that this will be the same
decades down the road
i'll always have my constant breathing to come back to
the stimulus
darkness
and the sensations
will be the same ones that i will experience
once i graduate
once i get my first job
once i kiss the love of my life
once i give birth and hold my child
once i experience the grief and loss of my parents
i will have my breathing to come back to
i will have the soothing movement
of my chest
to remind me of my constants in life