She missed the red flags
Because they felt like home

Things will never be the exact same way as they were before
and I would like to believe that that is okay
but it hurts too much to hold the thought
I miss her
I wish he would respond to my unanswered texts

these emotions bleed from some of the most deepest parts of me
and I get afraid of the shades they come in
but I welcome them anyway
because I want to honor my midnight black moments like I would my meadow greens and sunflower yellows

I ended seasons with certain people and activities in my life
and sometimes I regret them deeply
I wish I could just text or call
but I know better than to reach out that way
it feels as if it is too late
but the hurt that I bled in front of them felt as if it went unnoticed
as if they just admired the saturated color with the ghost of a smile gracing their pursed lips

Nature should be one of our greatest teachers
It brings us back to our roots
Reminds us that we are creations in our cores as well
Invites us to come back home to our complex yet simple ways of being
Nature does not control nor stop the natural process of whatever is meant to pass or stay
We do that
So as I stand next to this tree
I admire its gift of reminding me
To let the leaves fall where they may
When it’s their time
For there is a season for all things
Some leave even when we don’t want them to
Some let go at the optimal time
And others stay longer than we hoped for
But to trust the timing

I love the sea
The consistency in her waves
Lapping at the shore
Gently
Ragingly
Lazily
Whichever way she chooses to for that day
The inviting nature of her ability to reflect light in a blurry haze
The reverence she doesn’t demand but nonetheless receives from environmentally entitled humans who are at her mercy when they decide to tread in her waters
I love the sea
So why do I recoil so viscerally at her pungent smell of salt and seaweed today
I’ve smelt it before
Even was comforted by it at times
But now
It’s too much for me
I must say goodbye early today
And turn away

Do you think that if you spend enough time at the beach
You would be able to smell the ocean
In the seams of your clothes and pockets of your jacket
Do you think it can linger and permeate
Like cigarettes and bitter goodbyes

I hope you know
You are worth it

You are worth the time and energy needed
To gently break down the walls you’ve built
Protectively around yourself

You are worth the quiet moments
You are worth the noise

You are worth the rage
You are worth the laughter

You are worth the painful tears
You are worth the face splitting smiles

I wish someone had told me
when I was much younger
To befriend
Rejection
Constructive criticism
And tension or discomfort

Most things are a balance of fears
So what do I fear more
Rejection
Criticism
Discomfort
Or missed opportunities

I hope to lean towards
The rejection
The criticism
The discomfort
The tension
In hopes of encountering more opportunities

I think I am exhausted  
Exhausted in the very depths of my soul
And no amount of sleep can help alleviate it
Only distance and a lack of contact
Physical and emotional
But it’s not an option for me right now
So instead I sleep

your hair
was meant to be brushed behind your face
by the strength of the winds

your *******
were meant to be kissed by the sun
during its nightly deaths where you watch it bleed across the sky
in all its rebellious hues

the soles of your feet
were meant to feel the fresh dew on grass
as you run through a field lit up by the moon

you were meant to be felt by the earth
do not take her gentle caresses in vain

wrap me in your finest silk
kiss the bruises left behind by past's careless lovers
hold my hands delicately and place them gently on your jawline
closing your eyes as you turn your head and press your cheek
against my left palm
lay me down on your bed
place those lips of yours against the inside of my right thigh
as you would with a rosary
and whisper your blessings as you rest your tongue between them

you told me you loved me
that i would always have a special place in your heart
you wiped my tears away with your thumbs repeatedly
as i broke down in front of you in that parking lot
you told me that you would always be there for me
that i could reach out to you at any moment

well
you lied

i guess when the circumstances changed
so did the conditions of your words

i hate you for it
for showing me what love could look like
but part of me doesn't
it thanks you for giving me that experience

it was a grounding moment for me
one that breathed so much life into my lungs
yet your silence soon afterwards felt more crushing than any simile i could think of

fu*k you
but also
thank you

you held me in your delicate hands
and never shushed or interrupted me as i began to chaotically unravel at the seams i spent so many years ensuring were kept tight and pristine

you witnessed me as i broke down
shattered myself into fragmented pieces
of what was once a mastered façade of protective perfection
and you never once abandoned me

you told me with a warm smile that reached the corner of your eyes
that my sharp edges
were worth the piercing pain that you briefly felt deeply
as they dug into your flesh

you kept all my pieces
even the ones i wanted to throw away
toss into the ocean of shame and denial
hoping they would stay there
buried beneath the dark abyss

you kept all my pieces
and told me that each one was precious
each one served me in its own valuable way
even if i was not able to see it at the time

you held me in the palm of your hands
modelled for me a concept i only knew to be familiar with in theory
not practice

you simultaneously held me with such gentleness and fierceness
it's something that makes me feel seen
makes me feel heard
it’s something I feel without a word or look
it’s your presence alone

you held me until i began to learn that i could hold all parts of myself with my own two lonely hands
that have craved
for so long
to express unconditional love
as difficult as it is

and for that
i dedicate this poem to you

thank you for listening to my soul
to the poetry of my grief as it spills from my body
through silence
tears
through breath
words
and movement

thank you
[ slow inhale and exhale to grant the breath the space to be ]
thank you

paint your face
not too much but just enough to look like it's not
dress up in your costume
smile
laugh
say the "right" words
and move your body in the "right" way

you say you are an open book
that you trust too easily
but baby
that is so far from the truth

your distrust has armor that holds up expectations of perfection
you protect yourself from others seeing you
the real one
not the fabricated
societally conditioned Barbie
at the dispense of others' real-life fantasy

fu*k perfection
authenticity is being starved
and you are the one that is refusing to open your mouth

speak up
and live life boldly

I want you to psychoanalyze me
Tell me what’s wrong with me
So I can fix it

But that’s when I paused
Shocked by my own revelation

I may have never said it
But in between my words
Laid the belief

I am a problem

This is the root of my desire to be psychoanalyzed

This is the problem

oh words
I am sorry for my neglect
it is as if my body has turned against me in the most deprived way

I remember the delicate time in my life where
poetry spilled from my lips
flowed widely and untamed
into the whispers of night's dark company
who listened and graciously opened her arms to my many suppressed emotions
to my light and my own darkness

she whispered my name tonight
oh so sweetly
after too many lonely nights
where I've left her to see me in my silent struggles
close yet too far away from me
a helpless bystander in my own demise

but not tonight
tonight
she has held my hand warmly
brushed the tears trailing my cheeks softly
and calls me home

I hope whatever you’re hoping for
In this experience
Meets you there

Numbing the pain
Is so much easier than feeling it

I wanted to take a few shots tonight
Sit in the buzz
And not the grief and sorrow
But I’m afraid I’ll get lost in the toxic substance
Just like many others in my family have
It’s why I don’t keep it in my place
I don’t want the option
So I eliminate it altogether
For nights like these
Where I want to numb myself

Who is someone you have let down in your life?

469. If you could go to any age in your life for a week, what age would you choose? Why?

468. Have you ever regretted meeting someone in your life? Why?

467. Who is a person in your life that you are no longer in contact with, but if you were to think about them enough you would tear up?
->Ben, Itzhel

466. What is a memory you wish you could relive again with one another?

465. Where is a place (restaurant/arcade) you want to try or visit?
->rage room

464. What is the longest time you have chewed gum for?

463. What is the weirdest gum flavor you have ever tried?

462. If you could say anything to someone you no longer talk to anymore, what would it be and why?

461. What is one of the most painful words you have heard your parent day to you?
->maybe you really are sick in the head and need a therapist, you're killing your mother, you've completely changed and I miss the girl you were before...you weren't a burden

460. When you go on vacation, what do you look forward to most? Do you prefer cold or hot weather? Do you like to plan or wing it day by day?

459. What age do you think you would want to live until? What's the perfect age range for you?

458. What do you need to have happened to feel like you have lived a fulfilled life? family, work, travel, love, etc.?

457. What’s a fun memory from Valentine’s Day when you were in elementary school?

456. What’s the coolest or most memorable Mother’s or Father’s Day arts and crafts that you did in elementary school?

455. Have you even grown your own vegetables or fruits? If so, what was it?

454. When was the last time you went to the movies? What movie?

453. Recall the first time you tried pop rocks.

452. As a kid, what was your favorite jolly rancher flavor?

451. Who is someone that you think about from time to time wondering how they are doing since you just drifted away from one another?

450. What is a relationship (romantic, friend) that ended that you're glad ended but still hurts to think about at times?

449. What is a door that closed in your life that you were devastated by at the time but now realize was actually a blessing?

448. Would you say that you lie often?

447. What was the last lie you told? To who? Why?

446. What is your choice of sauce if you order chicken nuggets?

445. How do you like to be supported when you are sad?

444. Face one another, close your eyes, and open your eyes once you’re ready. Once both of you are staring at one another, stare for as long as you can. Then at the end describe what the experience was like.

443. What song reminds you of the other? If there isn’t one, give a song recommendation.

442. Give a compliment to the other that focuses on something you think they do not hear often?  

441. What is a time in your life you would not want to go back to?

440. What is a time in your life that you would go back to?

439. Who is a friend that you miss the way things used to be with them? What changed the dynamic?

438. If you want to get married, what is your ideal age? Why?

437. If given the option, would you be a sugar baby?

436. Who do you think is most likely to live in another country? Would you? Why or why not?

435. What color do you think of when you imagine the other person? Is there a smell, a shape?

434. Who is someone you wish you knew under different circumstances? Why?

433. Overrated, underrated, just right: chocolate chip cookies, bacon, French kisses, forehead kisses, chalk?

432. What is the most intimate thing another person has done to you?

431. What is the most intimate thing another person has said to you?

430. What is the most intimate thing you’ve done to another human?

429. What is the most intimate thing you’ve said to another human?

428. If you’ve been kissed, explain your best kiss and what made it so?

427. Describe a memory that felt like a movie scene?
->my first and second kiss

426. Is there someone in your life you wish you could take their trauma/pain away from? If so who and why (if you feel comfortable naming)?

425. Who is someone who you consider to be precious that isn’t young? Why?

424. Who is your closest friend form the opposite ***? What is it about that that made them get this title?

423. What is the worst pain you have ever felt that wasn’t physical?

422. If you could speak any language in the world, what would it be and why?

421. Who is someone who you think has experienced the greatest amount of pain but hides it "well"? What is a misconception you have of them?

420. What is one of the biggest misconceptions you have of yourself in relation to how you think others view you?

419. Do you think you’re good person? What makes a person “good”? Why it why not?

418. Would you like to be proudest of your accomplishments or your character

417. If you could confront someone who did you ***** in your past and ask *** who would it be and why?

416. What’s the pain in me you’d most like to heal?

415. Have you ever been too scared to admit your growing feelings towards someone? What stopped you?

414. How would you describe falling in love with someone to an 80yo vs a 7yo?

413. What do you tend to think of as you wake up and lay in your bed in the morning?

412. What’s a kink of yours?

411. How has this week went week because of (you) something you said or did?

410. What do you want me to tell you that you feel you can’t say to yourself?

409. What is a movie or book ending that stayed with you?

408. How would you describe the feeling of sunlight and moonlight on your skin?

407. Do you like the sun or moon more?

406. How do you know you’re alive and not just by your ****** functions?

405. What color do you think of when you imagine a unicorn, bird, heart, fear, lollipop?
-> white and light purple, blue, red, black, red

404. What was your last memory from your childhood that you were reminded of recently?

403. Would you be a top or bottom?

402. What kind of shampoo do you use?

401.  How often do you shower?

400. Does assurance work?
-> depends. Sometimes it’s needed to help boost, other times its like a drug you need another hit
-> a behavior or action never happens once

399. What are your unique values that you bring to relationships?
-> thoughtful, kind, wonderful lover, goes out of your way to those you live, loyal, good conversationalist (feed the relationship with your mind)
->Knowing your value won’t change when challenged by the other’s external achievement and you won’t need to be reassured

398. Have you met a person that has challenged your mind intellectually? How many?

397. When was the last time you went to bed hoping that you’d not wake up?

396. Do you ever wonder how you came to be attracted to a physical look? What makes someone attractive to you physically? Is it conditioning? What if our desires were purely constructed for us?

395. When was the last time you felt proud of yourself? What was the context?

394. Who has made you cry the most painful tears in your life?

393. What is something someone struggled with around you and you didn’t know how to help?

392. What are you struggling with?

391. What is something that always makes you angry when you think about it?

390. When was the last time you cried? What was it about? We’re you alone? Did you want someone?

389. What is your favorite and why: earth, fire, water, wind?

388. What is your favorite vegetable?

387. What is your favorite fruit?

386. Do you have someone you would call in the middle of the night for emotional support?

385. When was a time you said I love you and regretted it the most? When was a time you said it and didn’t mean it the most?

384. How many times have you peed in a pool?

383.  How do clams reproduce?

382. What color of you think of when you think of the ocean? Blue, green, or both?

How do I let a guy know I like him
I haven’t had many interactions with them
But I also think my small hints aren’t working
I’m nervous as hell
But he hasn’t made any efforts to get to know me

I hope you understand what it’s like to be alone
So that when you meet someone
You’re able to appreciate their presence
More deeply

I wonder what it’s like
To be loved by someone
Romantically

I see people kiss in movies
And run my fingertips along my lips gently
Wondering what it’s like

I yearn for it
But don’t know how to go about it

Have you ever felt like
You’ve been living someone else’s life
Like the persona you’ve adopted
Has never felt authentically yours
Molding your flesh within socially constructed binaries
Ambiguity is not tolerated
It causes discomfit
Because one can not manipulate dominant and control it
Emotions are inferior
To the pristine nature of logic
It has no place to be revered
For the physiological messengers it is within our bodies

The more you spread your legs
The less your social worth becomes
Do not *******
It’s only for boys
Your body shouldn’t yield pleasure
Only pain
Careful with your eyes
Don’t look into mine for too long
Avert your gaze
You’re supposed to be submissive
Watch that mouth of yours
Sew it shut with your needle and thread
Smile more
You look like an entitled *****
No one really thinks you're THAT pretty anyways
Why’d you get in my way
Move over
Take up less space
Be thinner
Talk quieter
Talk less
In fact
I wish you were a doll
They’re prettier to look at and annoy me less

I hope you find someone
That makes you turn inwards
To search for all the things you were conditioned to believe were to be found outside of yourself and in someone else
That makes you realize that you have all the answers within
Love
Happiness
Joy

Can’t you hear my heart
Speeding out of my chest
As I listen to you talk about your day
The subtle way my chest rises faster
The longer you keep eye contact
The slight strain in my laughter
As you make a joke
You overwhelm me
But I don’t want you to know about it
I’m twisting my fingers behind me
Hoping that you can’t tell
How much I like you
That you’re not as perceptive in my baseline
As you are in others

I suffered silently
But healed loudly
All alone

We’re all ****** up
We’ve all been victims in certain stories
We’ve all been oppressors in others
So stop pointing the finger
Because it’s only a mirror

I guess that’s what makes relationships
So precious
The fact that you can ruin them
Completely obliterate what’s been created
Regardless of how much time has been invested
At any point
One conversation
One physical altercation
Can destroy it
It’s a dynamic system
That requires constant maintenance

Every behavior has purpose behind it
Laziness does not exist

The beauty of each moment in life
Is that there will never be another one
Exactly like it again
Much like you and the rest of humanity

If there is a plan B or C
Plan A will most likely fail

Taking no risk is the biggest risk of all

Survival is insufficient; there must be more to life than living it "safely"

There’s a lot of things I wish my parents taught me when I was younger
But I wish they taught me the importance of cultivating deep and meaningful relationships with many people
That one person cannot fulfill all your needs
And so each person can meet different ones
Each relationship can provide you insight on yourself
Each relationship is a window into the portal of your own soul
It is a different world where you meet and engage with the beautiful complexities of another person’s mystery as well as your own
Getting to know another person is also a chance or opportunity to get to know yourself
There are many different levels of friendships
Ranging from superficial and light to emotionally gripping and deep
Each serve their own purpose in your life
Do not belittle or praise one more than the other

One moment you’re strangers
The next
They’re your closest companion
How does that come to be

I believe that conversations
Ones that require authenticity and vulnerability
Dictate the degree of change and closeness
That happens in a relationship
Regardless of its type
Romantic
Platonic
Mentorship

It’s the conversations where one broken yet brave soul smiles and acknowledges the other that is deeply hidden in another
It’s the conversations at 3 in the morning
While you’re both on the phone as you slowly fall asleep
The conversations that have awkward silences where you smile and bite your lip
The conversations that reveal the other and your own character
The conversations that let you meet another aspect of yourself
The conversations that touch your inner child

One conversation can transform your relationship with that person
It can lead you down a different future
With yourself

I’m often misunderstood
Reduced to my stereotype
By those who don’t get the privilege of knowing me
And most people often are treated the same
Which is why
When I am understood
Seen and truly heard
Stereotypes aside
It is The greatest gift another can give me