she sits
in her comfy chair
looking back
at the year
and sighs
what holds me back
to do the things
I yearn to do
what paralyses me
when I decide to change
well worn habits
what sabotages
all my plans
carefully designed
to improve my life
she takes a deep breath
hoping to find the answer
to all her questions

will she
ever
be able
to write again
or have
his words
finally
destroyed her

I am changing
my life
she said
with a smile
and left
the house

she watched
the people in the room
clapping when a winner
was announced

what a grey
and well connected
group they are
she thought
and left the room

she can hear the bell
striking twelve times
another day has passed
with another opportunity missed
she cannot sleep
and wonders
if the same
will happen today
or will she have the strength to do
what she should have done
a long time ago

you need to set
impossible goals
if you want to be
a successful poet
he advised

she looks at him
confused
as she finds it
impossible to do
what he suggests

music
rhythm
power

skies are grey and dull
sipping coffee on her own
heavy heart and soul

she sits on the floor
crosslegged
trying to calm
her mind
as her thoughts
repeatedly return
to the window
a window
battered
by the storms of life - her life
a window
nearly closed
with the gap
slowly but steadily
getting narrower and narrower
soon it will be too narrow
for her soul
to slip through
into a better and happier world
all she needs to do
is to get up
and open the window

will she?

she watches
the raindrops
gently landing
on her skin
she is not afraid
of the rain
as she knows
that the sun
will soon
shine again

storm
sunshine
relationship

he sits
opposite her
his face
slightly turned
to the right
his eyes
fixed at a point
far in the
distance

she looks
at him
her face
is motionless
but her eyes
tell me
how sad
she is

looking at
the feather
on the pavement
she remembers
that as a little girl
it had been
her dream
to be a poet
when growing up
however
she sadly
had to let go
of her dream

would you get married again
he asks

only if I can fully trust him
she replies

do you miss him
she asks
I do not know
I answer
as I enjoy
spending time
with myself

what is your style
she asks

what is my style
I wonder

end
beginning
midlife

grey
grey
red

scream
stop
breathe

sometimes
I am not sure
whether I am
coming or going
succeeding or failing
creating or destroying
supporting or opposing
agreeing or contradicting
loving or hating

night
heat
desire

the song of the nightingale
touches my soul
so hauntingly
beautiful and magical
but also full of sorrow
reminding me
that nightingales
will soon be silent forever

looking at
the lush green trees
she weeps
as she fears
that the world
will be less green
for her grandchildren

why can I not sleep
she asks
exhausted from the thoughts
racing in her mind

as she has no answer
to her nightly question
she takes a deep breath
and falls asleep

he told her
to revisit her past
as this would help her
to reignite her creativity

he promised her
excitement, happiness
and the thrill to create

but when she went there
all she could find
was boredom, sadness
and a desire to give up

she looks
at the letter
confirming
the change
of her name
and smiles
as she is
delighted
to be herself
again

she sits
at the window
watching the birds
fly past

why can I not be
as free as a bird
she sighs
longing to spread out
her wings
and leave all
her sorrows
behind

have I done
everything
wrong
she wonders
seeing
the displeasure
on his face

as she does
not know
the answer
she decides
to write a poem

what a mess
she said

I like it
he smiled

green leaves
bring hope and joy
signs of renewal
and pleasures to come

I need to allow myself
not to have pressure
she says
determined
to relax
and enjoy life

I look at her
and I am sad
as I sense
that she
does not know
how to
do that

up - down
hope - despair
up - down
hope - despair
up - down
hope - despair
the never ending
rhythm
of her life

high
low
yo-yo

hopeless
he said
watching her
paint

she felt
his disapproving
gaze
and froze

waiting
sorrow
longing

why do you
attach
all these labels
to me?

foreign
middle-aged
cis
childless
divorced
heterosexual
jobless­
dreamer

is it to conveniently
exclude or include me
whenever it suits you?

that is
an off-the-wall idea
he laughs
and leaves
the room
unaware
that his comment
encourages her
to continue

she looked
at me
with joy
knowing
that she
had finally
become
invincible

she sits
on the bench
quietly
so that nobody
can see
her despair
as she wonders
if she still has the strength
to pick herself up
after yet another
disappointing
failure

yellow leaves and morning fog
days are getting short
desire to slow down

give me five minutes
he said
and left the room

five years later
I am still waiting
for his return

he
he
togetherness

I do not know
how to talk to you
without hurting you

as I do not want
to hurt you
I shall stop
talking to you

I will send you
a photograph
of the love of my life
her mother said
but the photograph
never arrived

she looks at the shell
and wonders
…
how many people
have walked past
without noticing it
hurrying through their lives
chasing other people’s dreams
…
she stops
smiles
and decides to be different

what is it like
passionately kissing him
she wonders
and longingly looks
at his lips
is it like eating
ice cream at midnight
or more like accidentally biting
on a jalapeño pepper

he cannot understand her
he tries really hard
determined to succeed
but her soul just seems
to slip further away

one sheep
many sheep
finally sleep

misty sky and wind
mountains enveloped in clouds
sorrow fills my soul

walking on the sand
looking for tomorrow’s goals
shadows haunting me