No love is known where no love is shown

I could choose to tell you what I still remember                                                         ­                                                   but my wounds aren't healed, and my heart is tender                                                           ­                                                         Just because it's unspoken doesn't mean it's gone                                                             ­                                                              I relive each day as if it were the only one                                                         There's no tears you'd notice, my eyes are dry                                                It doesn't mean I'm better, It's just that I try                                                      I don't want your looks of pity but don't ignore me,                               don't leave me alone with my thoughts too frequently                                 If you can stand by my side and hold my hand                                           take my late night calls, you'd understand,                                                      ­               I haven't changed at all ,I'm still me                                                 but for now ,I'd rather not speak                                                            ­         Knowing that you're here and will always be                                         means you understood me perfectly                                                        ­          I choose not to share, it's all still too real                                                   So, if it's okay, I still need time to heal                                                             ­         It might not be tomorrow, surely not today                                                        I only know   how to do this, my way

If you get it, you lost it.


I am here
(On this platform it is evident for your reading now)
I express myself
(Heads scratching, wondering what and how?)


I share pieces of me
(A defragmented glimpse of an experience deemed ‘worthwhile')
Callous, sensuality?
(Or a traitor in sheep cosplay?)


A dead-end hi-way?
Or this pawn from yesterday?
Here, your final say


This family we never asked
Amontillado without it's cask
Dry and cheery
Heart’s are bleary
We own this laborious task

My sins are scrollable, thumbed in haste,
Wrapped in ribbons of curated taste.
A gallery of masks, all timed just right,
My shadow dances in the ring light.
What of shame when shame gets likes?
What of thought when thought’s in spikes?
I weep in drafts, but post a grin—
The world won’t wait for the shape I’m in.
So brand the bruise, then sell the hue:
A wellness tip in sponsored blue.
This self I host in feedback’s cage—
A pet, a post, a digital page.
I bare my soul (or just its shell).
You’ll never know. I sell it well.

I logged on seeking something undefined,
A tether, maybe—some reciprocal ache.
But all I found were mirrors misaligned,
Each smile too wide, each word opaque.

The comments pile like leaves, not read.
Applause from ghosts, replies from ghosts.
I feed the feed, it feeds instead—
A hunger that consumes its hosts.

I draft a truth. I dress it twice.
Add polish. Then delete.
I write in blood, convert to nice,
Make trauma fit a beat.

No lesson left. No higher shelf.
Just one more version of myself.

Lawrence Hall
[email protected]
Dispatches for the Colonial Office

                                         Pushing the Envelope

What envelope is being pushed?
From whom to whom – across the room?
And why should it be pushed at all?
Is the envelope an English A-1?
An American business-size?
A birthday check for someone to steal?
Pushing a broom, pushing a sale
Pushing a pen – some sense in those
But what is the purpose in pushing
An envelope?
                               And did you stamp it?

I started school in nineteen hundred and typing error. But we were so poor growing up we had to share clothes, so I could only go to school every other day on account of being a twin. PE was a little embarrassing as I had a twin sister. It wasn't so much playing rugby in a netball skirt, no – my problem was trying to iron the pleats back in afterwards.

At 6 years old I was cast in my infant schools nativity play as 3rd reserve palm tree, in a play with no palm trees in it. When I complained to the teacher she told me to stop moaning and remember what jesus taught us.
“Can I be that?” I asked
“What?” she said
“You said jesus had a tortoise, can I be the tortoise?”

At 14 years old I was given a major role in my upper schools annual PTA play. We were doing Romeo and Juliet and I was cast as – the balcony. However on the night of the performance, unlike in rehearsals, the girl playing Juliet wore stiletto heels. So when she stepped onto the balcony (me) it yelped and rolled over. She went base over apex knocking over Romeo and landed spread-eagled on the floor that revealed her underwear to the whole audience. I am sure I speak for every parent, teacher and pupil in that hall when I say that I can never look at My Little Pony in the same way ever again. She never spoke to me again – like it was my fault!

(Oct 2020)

There comes a time in your life, when you have to face all you've done                                                             ­                                                        Have you tasted it, taken a bite, or crossed off your list, a single one?                                                             ­                                                         Are you living each day like it lasts because life goes so fast,                                                            ­                                                              so I like to do more often than not, sit myself down and straight talk                                                             ­                                                                You can't change or live in the past, it dims life's light with the shadow it casts                                                                                            ­                                It humbles me and makes me aware, love is garden that needs care                                                             ­                                                            It's so easy to build up a wall  ,impossible to scale it keeps out all  ,                                                           ­                                                            once you feel no one's there, remember you shunned all who cared                                                            ­                                                             Life is fleeting and love is strong, both must be given freely to work along                                                            ­                                                               I have seen it  many times,  life and love withering on the vine

I closed my eyes, held my hands up high,                                                            ­                                                      asked the Lord to stay by my side                                                             ­         I  am in pain and I can't decide                                                                  ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­what to do no matter how hard I try,                                                           ­                                                                                                             ­                  gave him all of my guilt and sorrow                                                           ­         asked for peace for a better tomorrow                                                         ­                                                                 ­                                                                  asked him to fill me with his bright white light                                                                  ­                                                                 ­     prayed he would watch over me at night                                                            ­                                                                I sat like that for a long time,                                                                              ­        easing the strain  of my troubled mind                                                       I felt peace wash over me                                                               ­              cleansing my pain, my anxiety                                                          ­                                                                 ­                                                                   When life's problems are too much to bear                                                 hold up your hands, he'll be there                                                     holding your hand, giving you strength,                                                        ­  all of God's love,  within an arm's length

If I could gather all my energy , like a lightning bolt, one thousand degrees                                                          ­                                                         I'd send it your way ASAP, then I'd pull you right into me                                                               ­                                                        Light a million fires till you say, a real I love you, everyday                                                         ­                                                     make you look me in the eyes ,look into my soul                                                             ­                                                            warm up your heart that has grown cold