nothing to do
and
nothing to think
but there's something
missing
whatisitwhatisitwhatisit
i don't ******* know!

my pillow still smells like smoke
it reminds me of those nights in my bed
your head between my legs
and paradise all around us

I have decided there are 2

she never loved me like I thought she did
she always loved me but could not forgive me

I’m not sure which one of those hurts more

I met you and it was like
two stars colliding
beautiful but dangerous
you melted into my core and we
dissolved
into something new

it only lasted for a minute
and before I could love what we had become
our light winked twice and faded into black

but i swear that minute with you was a whole lifetime

fat yellow hens are the best chickens
in the whole world
I had one once, and her name was Buffy
to this day, I know she was a drop of sun
Her only wish, to warm the hearts of those around her

my friends
smoke cigarettes
constantly

they are looking for a stronger high
and that is all

but you

seemed to be looking for something else
and I think
you found it
when you met me

no matter which direction I take
I feel it is never the right one
my family is never happy with my choices
and if they are, then I am not
they claim support
but I am met with downcast faces
and words of frustration
I just ask to cry alone
It hurts me when they watch me cry
I wish I made my family proud
they would talk to me with smiles
and brag to their friends about my success
but instead I am a worry
nothing but a concern
I feel so alone in my own family

the lines in life they don’t mention
appear in strange ways
Driving the highway at night I swerve
Cross the line crush the line and blow it
Into my brain

I miss you
I think about the ugliness of my past
The sad story I have become
I had you in the time I was drowning
Now I’m dry on the shore
But you’re long gone
And we’re
Still under the same sun
but I might as well
Be in another galaxy

why am i always
so ******* tired

no matter how much i sleep

why do i scream at my mother
get out
when she only wants to give me her love

i am sick


and in my brain
there lives a dark and cunning monster
who has the prettiest face
i have ever seen

for some reason
i think this is why

a red joker in the window
a black one too!
life is a laugh
but at night the white walls bleed
when the circus came to town
the clown killed the curly-haired boy
but left the slutty girl stranded
he shut the door in her face
but what he didn't know
is that locked doors don't stop demons

I ran into an old acquaintance today
actually, they ran into me
Hadn’t seen them for year


they asked how you were
I said

she’s lovely

they laughed and leaned over to their friend
“She’s madly in love with her”

I laughed

I didn’t have the heart to tell them

She doesn’t love me like how I love her
and how I cry

oh how I cry

finding solace in solitude
I grow around myself,
swirling soundly around bones and sadness,
I sit in some sort of serenity.

i used to stare at the ceiling all night
the darkness never bothered me
after all,
he was my only friend

when i slid razor blades against my
hips
wrists
throat

he was the only one who saw
and he kept my every secret

some people say he is a monster
a deceiver, and a liar

but I disagree

darkness covered me
he smothered my cries in an inescapable embrace

when i woke up on the floor
gasping
the belt around my neck
snapped in half

i knew he must have cut it
after all,

he was the only one there

Seeping into hot water
I bleed out colors I never
Could put a name to
Pour in the sugar and milk
Cloud the clarity
Of what you’d really see
At the bottom of your tea
Drink me, please

Tell me I taste
Like chamomile

i am trying
to feel alive
but it is hard to get out of bed
my hair is getting greasy
and my stomach is growling

youneedtosleep

it whispers
I cannot help but agree

rob has
soft hands and a soft heart
not to mention
a lovely soul

I can see into it
through his hooded blue eyes

After the first glimpse I had of paradise
I never want to look away again

it was another day

At the stop light I sat sitting and my heart saw
A man with a baseball cap
The farmer’s kind Walking
with a woman in a black dress
Holding hands
And I went
Oh
And then
The echos fights and **** ups
Sadness

a little girl
Emerged from behind mom
I knew it was true

They started to run hand in hand when the light started to blink down the seconds

I was the only car there
safe tonight

I think
I finally understand
Love

The fact is,
It's completely
unpredictable

my little fairy boy
has light blue hair

when I run my fingers through it
I see his delicate pink scalp
and I admire what shields
the most beautiful mind I have ever seen

Photo printed of geese and children
Framed in an aged brown and sat upon a shelf
***** with time and passed by
Finally
Picked up by a brown haired girl
Taken home to be hung on the wall
Home again

fairy boy is
nothing but the past now
I’m not even sure
what the color of his hair is
Or if his eyes are still blue
he’s not mine anymore
but I hope
his wings grow strong
I hope
He can carry himself
Far, far away

i love the way you laugh
even though we are apart
I know you admire the same stars
I am waiting for the day when
I can dye your hair soft pink
then it will match the color of our hearts

wilted flowers laugh
when I cry about you

i'm sorry for the scars
but you know I have them too

when I look at sunsets I think about you
I wish there was something I could do

here's my heart and a red rose turned blue

my body is sitting in an old storage closet
my brain is floating somewhere in space
my heart is still with you

bumble bee boy
Found me in the weeds
Stuck underneath
The spikey leaves
He hummed
Telling me that I didn’t belong there
You are a rose he said
They saw your thorns
And thought you were one of them
He picked me up
Young wings and summer air
we flew under the apple tree
In my parents yard
He touched my petals
And told me
You are the most beautiful rose of them all
And for some reason
I believe him

I love you Christian. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. You are my baby bumblebee.

do you want to waste some time
she asked

in a snow-white palm she held out
five pink pills

i smiled

the sky is dark
but I know somewhere south
blue hair and blue eyes
look north to
brown hair and brown eyes
and inside of me I am filled with sun

so many people moving around
Some are going somewhere, other places
Others stumble into the wrong alleys or fall into holes in the cement
Lots walk in the direction of the arrows
I don’t know what is the right way to go
We all fall asleep
I lose myself in the faces
Are they all me or do I matter in my drop of ocean
I can’t ever see past the horizon
And my eyes are weak to begin with
So many joys but children die every day
I do not find comfort in much

many boys have touched me
and made me moan
but only one
has made my heart sing

little hello again
Falling back into the fathomless depths
a flame in the water
so much against it
the laws of nature
but it still burns
when I think of her

i asked him to hold the lighter

i n h a l e
exhale

i coughed until I puked

you're the single angel in a demension of demons

see what the **** I love the **** outta you

awh Robbie

i wanna put my head under one of these plane tires and fall asleep

baby
i can't do this anymore
i love you but
i have to go

everyday i fade
a little more
until
one day
im completely gone

the television is a haze of
grey black white
and it's TOO ******* LOUD

oh.

how peculiar,
the tv wasn't plugged in the
whole
****
time

must be the silence screaming
again
must be the hallucinations
again

i long for tranquility

when I met you
I was climbing up to see what I could see
There were trees all around me so I
Had to follow the sun streaming through
I got to the top and I found there was nothing there I wanted
So I started back down and on the way
I tripped and fell into you
Again
Now I’m falling

sitting in the corner in
a big red chair
is a tired looking girl
with ***** brown hair

I wake up and he's stealing my innocence

he hurts me he hurts me he hurts me
let me ******* pretty doll he whispers

I try to speak but my tongue is broken
Icantpleaseiveneverdonethisstop

He smiles

I open my mouth to scream but it doesn't matter
His hand clamps down on me  
There is no point
No one will hear
no one ever listens to me anyways

i can't tell whether the wetness on my face is from my own tears or from his open mouth

he puts something else in my mouth  andIcan'tfuckingbreathe
godpleasehelpme
and suddenly everything is black

when I wake up again there is something in my mouth and in my eyes and on my face and in my hair and in my brain and in my soul and in my bones and I throw up his putrid sins all over my body



I look down and there is poisonous snow and blood between my legs

i am a china doll shattered below the waist
but my dress covers my brokenness
and it's a **** good thing I have a smile painted on my face

my socks are thin, glittery, and
pink
i love them because
they look like your
cheeks
and hopefully
they will soon
resemble your
hair
as well

when i wake up
the sun is in the sky
and i can hear the chickens

today is a new day
and i am excited

his hands were touching me so
softly
and somehow my lips
touched his
and his hands were down my pants
and his teeth were on my neck
and my moans were in his ear

but I knew he wasn't
you

when you were younger i used to
watch your every move

once
i saw you lock yourself in the bathroom
when the doctor ordered you to stop running

they gave you crutches


when i reflect on my life

i see a similar story

when the principal told me
you can't run

i was lucky enough to have you and the whole family

this time things were a little more serious then shin splints

thank you for being my crutch

and thank you for pushing
my wheelchair

when i could no longer walk



i love you,
        Anna

I flush myself down the toilet
Into the murky waters of the sewers
I let the rats naw on me and the insects crawl
into my ears
I will just pretend it is not happening
there is no light here to shine on my grave

As a child I practiced escapism.
Always pretending to be a different person in a different time
I grew up into an addict
Who continued the escapism
Pretending to not exist

I am better now in that regard
But I look back now and wonder who I was
And there really is no answer

Some people see the world as something they can earn
But I see a small house with animals and people I love.
I don’t know, I guess I have to earn that too

the clock in my heart
has only been ticking
for seventeen years
so why
do i feel it slow
and its gears grind painfully
to a halt

my dad is a wonderful man
he tells me stories about growing up poor
his mother
she was schizophrenic

he reminds me that it doesn't matter where you come from
it only matters where you go

my hair is ******* blue
And PlaStic
just like my ******* heart

purple tennis shoes
and
middle-part hair
makes her Jill

I’m so lost in this melted wax
Dripping down the sides of me burning me
Hurting me
You hurt me
But I still ******* love you
Maybe one day I’ll find a reason to live
A way to understand the butterflies of life
All I know is in the end I hope I fly far away
To a place where happiness exists
Amen

you were a beautiful night sky
I could stare into you for hours
I was down below
But I could feel some warmth
So I moved closer and closer
And closer
And I saw raging fires
Black holes of nothing
And you
A liar
Ever changing your story
Cruel and careless
I stared in wonder for many years
For how could something that beautiful be so empty up close
I touched you and you burned me to the bone
So I left
Back down to earth
To the dirt
Where I am planting a garden

The first flower has bloomed
and it looks nothing like you.