my mind is a sick old man
he vomits evil thoughts
yourparentshateyou

and pumps malice like blood through my veins
slityourwrists
Itswhatyoudeserve

he whispers my dirtiest sins into my ears
as if I had forgotten them
youreadrugaddict

when I try to sleep
he reminds me that I am a filthy *****
doyourealizehowsluttyyouare
thinkaboutalltheguysyouvefucked­
youregoingtohell

He snickers at my doubts
hedoesntloveyoustupidbitchyourejustsomethingtofuck

but everyday he grows older and more frail
and one of these days, death will come to him
and I will finally be free

at 1 am i wrote my mother's bike to Elliott
we met behind the elementary
in the grass with the mosquitoes
we had ugly, painful ***

when we were little we used to play here
in the grass, yoga and football
now we play a different game

instead of scraped knees
broken hearts

my stomach hurts
the music is from freshman year

everything ******* hurts
the floors have dust on them

sorry i am bad at poems
there's just really a whole lot
of nothing in my
life right now

purple sky sunset
ride the waves of nostalgia
to the beach
ripped jeans and broken hearts
she used to smile at me on cloudy days
i'm running out of time to die young

so many pieces
i've left behind
it's hard to see the whole
this ache is held in other hands
you know how I feel
Im sick Im transparent
slipping into the void

tell me the most lovely sky
is over my head tonight

i'm not so sad anymore
but the pain is still there
kinda feels like there's water in my lungs

I watch the headlights go by and think about nights
a long time ago

took too many trips so now whole world spins


feels weird to say goodbye to the only life i've ever known
lay my youth down to rest along with the pills

left the spray paint in the back of my car and drove off a cliff

went to the ocean for a few days and never really came back
left a piece of my heart to drown

can't see the stars out of this window, still hoping I can get a wish soon

find a home in a strange place
never speak above a whisper so no one can find me

wish I could say you loved me but i'm not so sure these days

memories taste like newports

pollute my head, stuck in a haze, rainy days are never enough

once you know demons are real you can't stop seeing them

wish she'd leave me alone
just wanna be me

landon cube on the stereo got my head in the clouds
thinkin about her eyes wish I never fell in love with Judas

got a glass heart but I still haven't glued it back together cause
I lost a couple shards along the way

diet coke dreams still haunt me

half a white moon
take me
up up up
way into the sky
and while the view was nice
the darkness couldn't hide
and when i fell
down down down
I realized I wanted to see it again
a whole moon of magic
makes me see the backs of my eyes
heaven- was it near to me?
many moons make me
throw
up up up
help help help
I am falling too fast

in the cabinet there was a bottle
inside were mysteries
white like the moon
round like her cheeks

no one knows why she opened it
no one knows why she crushed them
no one knows why she inhaled
not even her

i look in the mirror
who is that?

on a cold cloudy day
I sit and smoke cigarettes,
thinking about your eyes

when you left the color
of your irises consumed
my world and now
all I see is blue

my friends used to tell me
everything will be okay
things will get better
I promise

for the longest time
things got worse
my cuts got deeper
the drugs got harder

but today is a new day
it is my first day of college
and although I am scared
I know that everything will be okay

I lit the cables and I said goodbye
Woke up to the flames so hot the paint melted off my windowsill
I told you some but not never nearly enough
Of what you did to me
And how I loved you, my liar so
Oh how I ached and it ended in flames
And it ended in no real apology
And I’m grateful for that (if you know what I mean)
And it ended in silence
I poured water on the flames and
Those blue eyes , they’ll drown you one day.
When I hear the news
I do not  believe I will cry.

I want to be an artist
Who creates meaning and spreads love
I don’t want to be an addict
Who loses their direction in a pill bottle
And throws up their morals
Into a trap house toilet

I want to be the rainbow on a rainy day
I want to breathe and know that I’m the best
I can be
I want to be new

and her mind was not clear
she did not look up at the clouded night
nor did she stop to contemplate
the meaning of anything or lack thereof

no,
she was already gone, drowned
eyes unseeing and empty
when she stepped of the bridge
and fell like a lost star
down fast
into the darkness,
plunging out of existence
into an ever expanding universe

The plants have grown in front of the windows and I can no longer see out of them. I live in the basement. My air purifier is filthy and needs a new filter. There’s photons on the wall but I am no longer the person in them. I live in a basement and I feel like that says something about me as a person. I’m below them, I watch them but I am hidden. They don’t look down to see me. That is okay.

No one is jealous of
Your secret ******* life

who is god
*God?

I’m lonely for you
Her
Someone
Anyone

you were
my nicotine
I inhaled you
deep into my lungs
you filled me up
and I felt whole

but when I exhaled
you left me
all alone
I'm sorry
but I couldn't hold my breath forever

The nothingness takes up so much room
It invades every crevice consuming the light
It starts small and grows grows growls into
You

you can do it! says my mom

you need to stop! says my brain

you have to take me! says my pills

there are a thousand billion stars in the sky tonight
but the only one I see is you

my little fairy boy
sits at a marble table
he has a book to guide him
and help him overcome his disease
along with a notebook
filled with worries, passions, and dreams

my little fairy boy
is still wearing his pink dress
his sky blue hair
matches his eyes

everyday my little fairy boy grows stronger
instead of putting pills in his mouth, he draws my lips to his

and I know the high is much, much sweeter

my baby
Smokes Marlboro red cigarettes
And sways happily to his favorite songs
He reads me poems about his anxiety
and reminds me that it's not my fault
when he kisses me the warmth inside him flows into my veins and thaws my frozen blood
I am lucky
To have met him at this time of my life
I know that god introduced him to me
So that I could clearly see and know the path I want to take in life
Without him
I would be dead in a few short years
and that was not gods plan for me

How long does it last?
the roses wilt and leave, lifeless.
I dry them, beg them, bottle them.
Forever in a heart shaped jar
Forever sits on my alter and gathers dust
Taunts me

I used to be alive.

Worms for dinner ! Worms for lunch
Worms wriggle in my red fruit punch

we were
powerful dangerous limitless
kids .

never content
eager wild electric  
hearts .

taking trips to
escape disappear melt
away.

**** the world
**** the warning signs

we were the kids who discovered
bliss

Let me kiss your
Lips
I breathe you in
Exhale
Euphoria floods my
Fingertips

sick
transparent
slipping into the void

tell me the most lovely sky
is over my head tonight

you were in my dream last night
I think it was the little girl I saw yesterday,
she had your eyes

you again
never thought i'd hear
that laugh
i hate you
but
i dont
you again
come **** up my life
lock me up
leave me to bleed
you know ill still be here

these trees hang heavy hollow
if you’re small enough you
Might have a home

sometimes suicide
is screaming
I hate you
To the mirror
And carrying on with your day.

Mouth open shove in the calories
As fast as I can chew it wipe my face
Guilt
Another chomp I have the biggest waist I have seen
Fat oozing over my pants too big now to even try to hide
Sitting over I feel the rolls I avoid you
But I stare again and again I

saturday
fairy boy comes home
but this time
he won't be seeing me

because there are things to be done
and people to be seen
and i am not one of them

You told me you love me
You only want to protect me
But you don’t know
There’s nothing left of me

I find the locket I lost
It was at the bottom of the wash
Clean and serene and free of you

purple sky sunset
color me blue
hold me underwater
until my thoughts drown
leave me to decompose
snail shells for eyes

give me knife
i'll give you the color red

I used to miss your eyes
now i just miss my hands around your throat
don't give me forever
just one breath is all I need

i remember
the first time you slid your thumbs
down the waistband of my pants
and pulled them off

most boys who do this
have a grin on their face

but not you

your lips were pursed
and your brows furrowed
but your eyes were filled with love

and suddenly i knew what we had was real

I don’t know

I love you
And you
And you

Find me in
the place where we began
Swirling
Breathing
In
Out

I’ll be waiting

time dissolves on my tongue
bitter, the sweet will come later,
Darling.
How I ache and oh the surprise!
In the mirror
to see I have not yet
Rotted; Visibly.
short grey hairs whisper
hurry hurry hurry
hurry hurrY hurRY
hurrY hurRY huRRY
hurRY huRRY hURRY
huRRY hURRY HURRY
hURRY HURRY HURRY
HURRY HURRY HURRY

i don't know what i want

he says

i'm not well enough for a relationship

he says

but when his hand is down my pants suddenly he knows exactly what he wants

so many pieces I’ve left behind
its hard to see the whole
  this ache is held in other hands
    you know how I feel

a haunted girl is a home
some still stay., the ones she loves
they dwell in the mist
she stays away from her beloved ghosts
she still loves , of course

find me under the willow tree
the moon sleeps low in the sky
call to my heart through tears
which flow, dancing down a white river

forget me under the brazen sun
the air breathes out cloudy thoughts
silencing the birds who cry
the flying arrow the sound of a new life

who do you see in the mirror when it is dark ?
behind me lay the women, the girls the girl
I was
In various states of decay.

As I drive the wriggling starts up again
Behind my eyes it crawls and laughs

Sitting, seeping silently into sadness,
Solitude (how dear to this heart)

Loving an addict is a cancer
It confuses your body
To attack yourself

Who is this and where did
That sun go
I swear I saw it ! Did I ?
You’re killing me because I
Am watching you-
Decompose

Oh sister dearest,
Who art thou?
For I no longer recognize
The eyes
Once so green, now
Seething,
Echos of your own hell fire
With which you have allowed to consume you

Where did the green meadows go?
You loved animals, you wanted to be loved .
I miss you sister, sister

Sister dearest died in her sleep in 2012. Oh how
I miss her so.