Being told over and over again that there is freedom in letting go leaves me feeling inept again in life.  
There is a space of void now that sends out a vibration to remind me of all I am not. All that I never was and how most of my love was spent on someone else’s lie.

The shadows still tease me, wanting me too take that leap of death.  But I’m to numb to move.  What do you do when your body is alive and your soul’s essence has been seared?  I can’t go to the Dr.,  I’ve prayed so hard I have a spiritual hernia.  Nothing takes away the ache.  Not one prayer has taken away that moment.
.
Why am I invested in a lie?  It never was real so I’ve been told.  Yet those words hold no value to me.  It’s this feeling, deep inside my heart that remembers your soul’s imprint with mine.  I have to choice to live this life now by just standing still.

No one wins.

A little girl with the shell of a woman
was brought to her knees  
The wind, rain, sun and moon feasted
upon the fragile skin

From the trees eyes watched
as the spirit inside fought the fear
it was then that a grizzly came forth, teeth bared
foul  breath seared the soul
…and she remained

Feeling paralyzed the night turned to day
with eyes wide open a wolf was spotted
…she dropped her head and took a deep breath
He circled her…growled so deep it vibrated inside her soul
…she remained

A white buffalo walks in her direction
the ground beneath her shakes as each  
hoof hit the earth
…the demand was silence  
Eyes met for what seemed like a lifetime
…she remained

The fear was released…in equal amounts to her life force
Until a man, white in spirit stood tall above her
reaching his hand out, telling her it was time
…she wept, and remained

It was then that she felt the man’s arms around her
placing her up against his chest, warming her
within the confines of his body
filling her spirit back up with light

The strength of that inner child was reborn to her  
that day…all cells became alive again and the heart
beat like a gentle drum.
…she is renamed

Eyes wide open with new sight
she looks over the meadow she had fallen into
thanking Mother for absorbing the fear
and Father spirit for loving her through it all
…she is~the wisdom keeper

She was the Princess of Purgatory
wanting more from people and life
but never reaching out on her own.

I’d visit her there often inside the glass castle
braiding hair and brewing up dreams upon
thousands of stars…galactic sisters her and I.

There were territorial whispers saying that
she cried at night alone
…my heart broke for her, so I would inhale her pain.

Holding that breath I’d bend to kiss her good-bye
witches bones rattled as I passed through the veil to the light
…on exhale all was released, transmuted with life’s flame.

Balance is found in the depths of her and I
even in our one sided visitations~

There is no invitation required to enter here
just love~

Feeling life exude through sleeping cells was like
a kiss from the long awaited Prince.

…Awakening sensations that had slept for far too long
It’s time to absorb the magic that has swept through
every crevice over time, once gliding; now taking hold

The veil between heaven and earth is resting inside  
palms ready to cast the spells of immense healing
…hands ***** and heart pure the shadows are lifted to
the skies…be gone…be gone…be gone…  
(it is done) Amen

Survive with the spirit and essence of the holy ones  
that fought so many battles for us, holding true to the divine
…for guidance and survival

Hold the light for them
for you…for us.
Breathe in the magic Goddess, it is time.

It was all the things that healed her soul
...casting the shadows of death to the light
transmuting ages of sorrow into peace

A time of gathering bits and pieces has begun
...releasing fates shadows to the original cast of players
moving with divine grace into each step taken

Walk here into this space of hope and dreams
...dance barefoot in the rain with blind abandonment
breathe in the sweet scent of the earth churned like the soul

Freedom had a price
...and she was penny poor
but here
         in this space
everything is hers

Dare to be...this is moment that defines you~

My life has been on hold for years. After my divorce then falling in love with someone who claimed to be available and wasn't in so many ways I was actually in prison. Even after the divorce we lived together for 4 years while I attempted to save my family home.  But the financial world doesn't like self employed people.

So my losses were stacking up.  30 years of marriage gone and a divorce thinking I was going to be with the love of my life...which was the biggest lie of my life.  My family home sold to investors that will rent it out for profit.  During all of this I lost my best friend, my sister Cyndee.  I lost all other family members due to the fact that I was divorcing my husband over an online love.  They called him a crazy predator and called me just bat **** crazy.  

I don't regret the divorce.  So much of me had died in that relationship.  Things that I never even was aware of.  I'm on my own now. In my own space, full of my energy and full of love.  And well cats lol.  I'm the cat lady now.  And I'm ok with that.

Falling in love with someone online is so easy.  You're here pouring out your heart and soul from a place that is broken or unfulfilled.  Most of us are honest and raw in what we write.  I met him...the love was real.  I crave his voice and his face every single day.  But it's his wife that gets all that.  So then comes in the burn.  I've tried to date since, but no one has that ability to spark the light that he did in me.  I know....I own my own, but it was so **** sweet to have someone "get you"...

So where does the anticipation come in?  Well, I'm leaving for England in three weeks with my friend Jen.  We are staying with a shared friend there.  We plan on going to Wales to meet his druid clan, then King Arthur's Castle and Stonehenge.  This year is a freedom year for me.  A time to let go of the sadness and to move forward with people who honor me and love me.  I love traveling with Jen she and I always end up getting into some trouble along the way lol.  

After that I'm off to do my work in California, Florida, Arizona, and hopefully friend stops in the Carolinas and Virginia.

I'm moving forward.    It's about bringing life in after so many years behind bars.  My lovers heart is still chained...but the rest of me moves on.~

Traveling through the mountains of Alaska and into the Yukon with nothing but time to think I felt connected yet disconnected. Time stops there and becomes surreal.  Between the beauty that seems gentle and the reality of the harsh conditions.  Pulling into Whitehorse, I got a room and was exhausted.  Opening the door, I noticed burnt orange **** carpet, the old cotton quilts, and heard Patti Page singing on a radio that had been left on.  
Extreme emotion, while stepping back in time and feeling my past rush through me.  This had the old triggers of my Mother and her Mother.  The sight the sounds, remembering the simple  joys that made us tick back then.  The happiness found in cleaning the house with my Mom on Saturdays while she played Ray Conniff and the Percy Faith singers, singing "I can see clearly now the rain has gone."  Man..we were wild lol.
I felt safe there because of all the memories.  The blanket tucked in around my body and that old music put me to sleep.
After coffee in the morning and some good old bacon and eggs it was time to fill up at the gas station that was a mobile home.  First time for everything I guess.  Turned the corner and abruptly stopped, not just for a moment but for an hour.  Bison.  Not a couple, not a few but an entire herd of huge Bison as big as my car.  The held me hostage for all that time but it allowed me to look at them up close.  To see the reflection in their eyes, and the breath exiting out of their mouths.  Will this place ever stop feeling like another dimension?

After they decided it was time, I got to pass.  Feeling like I finally had a new start to the day I moved forward with determination to make it far that day.  It wasn't long though before I was stopped again.  This time by emergency crews and scattered men and women running around trying to help people out.  To make people safe.  You see, by being held back I missed the landslide that took out the road, making it impassable.  I guess it just wasn't my time to leave this place.

Sitting in that car for a day while crews and dozers were brought in gave me a chance to let my mind wander to **** much.  Like the crazy monkey brain.  It hit me deep that I was spared and thanked the Bison in my silent prayer.  I held close to my heart the sweetness and safety found in the night before in a place so far away from home.  And more than anything, it gave me a chance to look in the mirror.  I saw my own reflection in my eyes.
I saw blue skies and mountains, I saw love so deeply born, I saw the past releasing hold of the future, and everything felt right.  Everything felt like burnt orange **** on a magical night~

Now I'm someone's Mother, making memories for them.  Being a rock of sweet peace and safety, and I'm so very good with that~