Over the past few years I've realized I spend a lot of time alone. It's not because I have two heads, three teeth and multiple ******* but more so due to the fact that in learning to be alone I am learning to love myself.  All of those small intricate things that make myself unique (as we all are) or even quirky have re-entered my life and it's been fun.

Just getting back to the simple things.  The moments.  Not living in the past with hate, disappointment, anger, longing, sorrow or grief.  Not living in the future with a racing heart and always running towards something that is never guaranteed.  This moment right here...this one is where I'm at.  Living. loving and being in a world where chaos is the 666 trying to bring us all down.  

So today while unpacking one of my boxes I found an old native american blanket of my great grandfathers.  I never use it because it was special.  What the hell?  I took it, packed my wicker basket that I  got from goodwill for three bucks...filled it with a beer and pickles...yep that's how I roll.

I drove out to the highest point of Lake Michigan...(good place to dump bodies I hear) and toasted me.  Toasted my visual heaven that day.  The space between where dreams become real and I feel the love wash over me.  Despite all the haters on this site...I love it here.  Because each of us are unique, quirky, self absorbed and ******* at something.  Love?  well that's one tickle or stroke away so whatever.  I just hide behind my two heads, three teeth and multiple *******... love gone safe.  

So yes.  The beer was opened and tasted like the earthen barley and hops while I toasted the moment...the breath, the blue sky and you~

All on my Great Grandfathers special blanket...we survived.

There is a unique happening when you believe your in a fight for your life. It's a tug of war between what your soul purpose is for this life and whether or not you'll succeed.  
So many voices in my head telling me what to do and how and faces of friends and family doing the same.  I just want it all to shut the **** up.  Just let me be or let me die.  I'm not sure of which makes much difference anymore.  
When is the fighting done?  Constantly moving over obstacles thinking there will be a huge
payoff and then ****...next challenge staring you in the face.  Angels and Demons make me feel spiritually bipolar and I'm afraid I've stopped listening.  To bad for them and so sad for me.

Today two years ago I lost my sister to cancer.  She had a fairy like energy and was here to simply love...that was it.  Yet she was so abused by those who couldn't see her in that simplistic beauty.  I miss her.. I feel her with me...but there is an ache you know.
She encouraged me to write and loved everything I did and her support is what made me.
Now I write and wonder why.  Who the **** cares about any of our ****?  Half the people on here are fake, and multi personnas to hide their truth and I too have done the same being Lily Mae.  I had to create her to hide from a stalker many years ago on Hello Poetry.  Now it all feels like ******* and babble.  Yes we all suffer and the loss is the cross bones of our existence.  How many of us love ourselves as is?  I know I don't.  I'm not the perfect bodied primadonna.  No one "wants" me on the outside but if my insides had a ****** shape I'd be ******* wanted 24/7.   So just let me be your friend and fill your fantasies and make you feel good while I have no one making me feel anything.  You know...I try to tell people that when you get that plant that caught your eye you do need to water it...

Maybe all this is just a melancholy blue until I get settled into a new home or fight to save the family home.. Even though my fight feels lost.  
I once told my friend Strider on here before he vanished that all poets are broken.  We all have been that vessel born pristine and then throughout life we fall and become chipped, broken..and then glued or discarded.

That's why we are the glue to the world.  Our love or want of it, our pain and lack of emotion to it anymore, our lust to feed a desire we've never known...we poets rock this world.  Because right now, it's our words good, bad or ugly that are keeping it real.  All the world leaders speak and choke from the place of a verbal armageddon.  **** their flaming words and lies.
  
I'd rather crash and burn in my own way then by the hands the disappointing hollow chocolate Easter Bunny that we thought was solid and bought with high hopes.
None of this makes sense and it contradicts itself in many places and yet that's my point.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  Not even this.

All that could be heard was
the chewing of her bones in
life's mouth

Spit out into the water like
stones spilling into the sewage
bilge

The tear running down her
face wasn't for pity
it was from pain so deep inside
that there isn't a word that could
hold the power of the emotion

Losing everything but the beat
in her heart...has left a hollow
void inside the well of souls

How many times has this river
taken her tears on a journey
a million miles away?

They all think she's strong and will
make it
the voices inside her says good bye
one minute at a time...day by day
alone and scared...unloved; replaceable

On rivers edge, in the sun, the end~

None of them saw this coming

Time passed with moments stolen
by the demands of life
for the first time in a long time
joy flowed through my veins
with peace giving me that warm glaze

Unexpectedly finding love
when it was the last thing I wanted
to seek out
...it found me here by the redwoods
on a stone so far away from the beaten
path

By letting my guard down
it found me...; I fell in love
all over again

The shine of the heart
blinded me, the compassion
flowed like my favorite river
not a selfish space was found

This love is unconditional
and faithful
...I found me; whole
I got to fall in love with me
again...losing the cloak
of judgement and pain

I'm a star from above
and I'm the earth child from below

I am~Love

Water draws me in like an old lover. Whispering sweet everythings to me.  Enticing me inside every drop, while gathering thoughts of yesterday and this moment.  Dreamstate becomes a part of every breath.  All my problems drift away in the current and there I am left for a bountiful renewal.

Baptism of sorts.  Cleansing away the monkey brain and allowing me to just be.  Why is that important?  Because I'm tired of being a fool and being fooled.  Of people hurting each other over and over for reasons that make no sense.  I've lost so much that there are to many moments where I wonder if I'll ever be found again.  I feel like God put love in my life only to tease me with it.  I watched the faces of my parents as they died and then my sister which was all to soon.  Loosing all this love to find what?  Self love?  Self preservation?  Well, I'm not good at alone.  I don't do it well.  And when my eyes meet the water, when my heart feels the vibration of the flow, I'm so close to heaven that I feel them all as if they were standing there with me again.  My lover looking into my eyes.  My Father, larger than life smiling at me.  My Mother's grace and softness soothing me.  And the most loyal and committed love from my sister.  
That's why I love any body of water so much...it's me...getting to be with them all again...in my little piece of heaven..xo

Blame got his hands *****
...yet still clung to the flower

The single flower gave him hope and light
...she loved the smell of the earth

Forgetting all that transpired
...Blame crushed the flower in his hand

Blame was washed clean
...yet his hands are still imprinted with shadows of

The flower was crushed
...in decay she still loves him

He never once crushed her soul~


~It was your choice to leave...so why do you still follow me? To hurt me more?

I'm not the same person I was yesterday let alone, a year ago. That seems to be a lifetime away considering all I've learned, all the lessons that have come my way.

This time has allowed me to go inward, to also be an observer of myself and others. Spiritual stealth mode. What I've come to know and realize within myself is that the judgement of others means nothing to me. I have been their lesson as much as they have been mine. We walk equal on this earth. My soul vibrates and transmits at its own frequency. I am not less than to anyone.  

In my quiet time I have seen the ones that I see as strong and impenetrable become real...vulnerable, fearful, and greedy. All places we have all been. Believe it or not.

So my point is. I love myself and my spirit. I love who I've been scars, wounds and bliss.. I am in this moment right where I am meant to be. As are you. Embrace it, love it, love you. In this moment I choose belief in myself over vulnerability, I am fearless instead of fearful, and I'm taken care of at all times and have no need for greed.

Journey with me. Let's love ourselves together one step at a time, hand in hand...looking forward.