if a woman wants to see you
you have to find her

set alight
new found spring
the lost ring
homeless
fright,
digging in,
he finds it
and presents
like time's right

You're killing yourself
to be in back picture,
Not all trees have limbs,
ask the one destroying
to all these black ashes

Why do we fight against
our primal and conditioned
Not saying reverse of civilized,
but if we were programmed......
Are we monsters here,
These days, simple attractions
will not work as ever a chime,
is of no humanity guarantee.
I'm making my final here peace,
bonding physically is not for me.

Lawrence Hall
[email protected]
Dispatches for the Colonial Office

    We Ask Everyone to Respect Our Family Privacy at This Time

“Our family privacy” – they keep saying that
A friend came over and mowed my rankling lawn
Because finding a lawnmower mechanic these days
Is like searching for a unicorn in a shopping mall

Their family privacy – I’m blessed with friends
But lawnmower mechanics seem to be extinct
The temp today was 98 at noon
Nobody chants “Learn. To. Code.” anymore

Their family privacy – chicken *** pies
Are on sale at Brookshire’s for 88 cents
I’ll mail all those bills this afternoon
That’s a really nice shirt you’re wearing today

Their family privacy – a middle-aged woman
Sheds tears upon an altar of VHS tapes

In privacy

I feel sad today
My three friends are all too busy to see me
My spattering of newer acquaintances will not satisfy
I want to laugh with someone I am not learning
My other friends who I could lean on
Live far far far away
I have a new cat who requires oodles of attention
And who attacks my resident cat
So I keep them separate
I miss my cat deeply
Though she’s just in the other room
I get 20 minutes to an hour with her every 3 hours
Until the new cat cries and I go to her

I’m sure it doesn’t help my current state
That I am not just lonely
I am embarrassed to be lonely
Why doesn’t anyone other than my mom prioritize seeing me?
Why am I not someone’s whole world?
And this is an over dramatic question
Just this week I had dinner with a friend on Tuesday which he insisted upon because he would be away the weekend
And usually we spend some part of the weekend together
I don’t have a lover or two
Just me
And my friends with their busy lives and partners and roommates and careers
And I have my music and my cats
My paintings
My seemingly endless renovations

My horoscope which says it’s time to dig deeper into this feeling
Find where I allow another to soothe this sadness
The loneliness is normal I think
But the embarrassment of it  
The fear of needing
The flinch away from wanting
The idea that because I am lonely I must also be unlikeable, unloveable
This feeling that in the absence of another’s adoration, my adorableness ceases to exist
It’s not true
And that’s what my horoscope says I should be healing and releasing
I’ve been dutiful
Finding and weeding out where I participate in codependency in my friendships
I’ve seen and stopped the behavior
And now I’m here
Noticing how I can’t just be lonely
I am also alone and embarrassed to be so
Which is stupid
I’m not married
I don’t have a roommate or live with family
I’m not dating anyone
Of course I’m alone often
Which is okay and is not a reflection of my worthiness to another
It’s just what the situation is

I used to have friendships with people I didn’t actually like very much
Who very much liked me or so it seemed because they were always asking to see me
And that made me feel that I was at a surplus
But then I realized it I didn’t actually want to see them I just didn’t want to be alone
So I stoped seeing those people
And now I sometimes feel I am at a deficit

Boundaries and time management
Being seen
Vulnerability
Easy laughter
Connection
Brushing our teeth together
Knowing the smell of her hair and skin
Inside jokes
Having another person (other than me) to get flowers for
The joy of being in love
All loom in the distance
Large and ephemeral
Like a huge cloud far and high in the sky

My horoscope says dating will open up in November
5 months to figure it all out
So that on November 1st
I can walk out my door
Into the autumn sunshine and meet the love of my life

How disappointed will I be if November comes and goes and I don’t meet anybody?
If the plans for dates continue to fall through?
If the texts go unanswered?

Maybe by then
With all the growth I’m planning for the next 5 months!
I will be okay with it
Flush with acceptance and ease in the avenues of my existence

I hope it won’t be something like
“When you least expect it, it happens!”

How beat down and forlorn will I have to be
To one day stop picturing my wife in my mind?
To stop hoping to meet her?

Is the big block also my fear of my mothers rejection?
The look of horror and disgust on her impossible-to-hide-emotions face
I’m going to cry
I can already feel the pain
Of her rejection of my joy because it’s not for a man
Yes, big block.

And I’m not even capable of doing the other option

People say it’s brave that I up and left LA
That I up and left advertising
That I’m putting out my own music

But to me it doesn’t feel brave,
It feels inevitable and scary and exciting
But mostly inevitable

Because once I know what is, what must be done, I do it and I see it through to existence

My best life is with a wife
My best life is one where I don’t need my mothers approval
I’m here on this earth to live my best life
So these two bests will come to fruition

I hope one after the other in no particular order and of no consequence to the other

Could it be so cruel (it being my life path)
That in order to find joy with a partner I must first rid myself fully of the codependency, the agreements to heal, the child/parent role I play to to my mom? How big would I have to be? That her approval doesn’t swing like a pendulum in the back of my brain? How evolved, advanced, ready for my dreams to come true! How full of my own goodness. How completely set free of the burden of “you were once inside of me, so now you must let me be inside your life to dictate what is good and what it bad and what is safe and what is dangerous”? How wonderfully ready for my next steps? How prepared for a big life?

So maybe it’s not so cruel, maybe it’s a gift to realize this. I’ll decide that it is.
But how?

How do I rid myself of my desire for her approval? I didn’t used to have it, when I lived far away. Or sure I guess it lingered but was buried deep. And now being so near her, experiencing the shining joy of her beaming approving smile sometimes, I want it and that bit of me that would deny my truth to avoid the pain of her visceral rejection has grown.

Oh yes, a new codependency ready to be uprooted shows its face
Quietly peeking from behind the curtains
November here I come

Last night I indulged
And spent some extra time plucking my eyebrows in the mirror
As with all pluckings there were moments I feared I had gone too far
Shaped incorrectly or taken away too many valuable strands
But this morning
I gloat as I look in my kitchen mirror
Frying potatoes patties
I look up to such a face
Framed so delightfully my newly shaped eyebrows

Has two sides,
The first side will tell you he has been rude or unjust,
He has hurt me,
Look at the other side and ask,
What did I do,
For him to be rude or just,
When you get the reason the hurt will lessen,
Sometimes it takes two to tango.
23/7/2025

I see him dancing
Like hell's flames
Oh, those candy lips
Never leave

Like hell's flames
The devil of love
Never leave
I couldn't bear it

The devil of love
If I ever lost those lips
I couldn't bear it
Hold me in your pyre

I see him dancing
Hair of smoke
Oh, those candy lips
Come to me