oh, you.

you.

i'll never be mad
at you.

your insult
today
stoked my core

evoking
anger
guilt
indignation

sadness

separation

feels like
my head
keeps slipping down
beneath the water

swallowed
by the void

depending on
how you see it

and assuming
you believe it

the way to
receive it

lies in the
beautiful
way that you
leave it

this calm
this quiet universe
we created
together

it can only be ours
it's only for us

conditioned fear
keeps us
in the cage

i know

all
of the pain
i caused

the choices
i stole
from you

i
feel it
now
with you

your cries
of pain,
heartbreak
are almost
too much
to bear

and now i know
how
i wronged you
and
now

it’s too late

i’m sorry
but it’s too late

how can
one person
break one heart
this many times

i did everything
for you
so now
i don’t know me

intentions of
freedom
passion
purpose
warmth
balance
peace

i'm afraid
i'm not worthy
of a wish
so big

how do i explain
to you
what's happening
to me?

looking over your shoulder
with remorse

a heart's denial
you didn't enforce

word was never truth
(actions told me that)

intentions tend to soothe
(distracting from the act)

so why am
i
i'm still buying the lie

i hate you
for how you make me feel
and for
how you
don’t see me
at all

sometimes
this sadness is so deep
i could just lie back
and let it take me

and i know
tomorrow
my anger
will recede
leaving only regret

and
it's really
the worst

i accepted our reality
already
but
that doesn't make it
any easier
to get through the day

the ringing
of my anger

can't be dampened
other than
with time

like
sound waves
spreading
dissolving

one day
i'll be
ok

you have
failed
to molt

and
it
will
destroy
you

so

who
did you daydream
about

when you
were trapped
with me?

i know
you see me

love me

trying to
figure out

why you
fear
me

sometimes
it seems easier
alone
but always
it feels better
with you

what is
the point

this question

haunts me
every day

why should i
bother

does my suffering
matter

and
the answer
determines
the future

starting my life
over again
with less than a life to live

freedom
feels empty
when i hold it
in my hands

how many ways
can i pour
this
from my heart
until it's gone
or until
the overflow
stops
spilling into
other parts
of
me

begging
for a release

when

all i have to do
is
take the first step

i can't remember
which lies
are for who
maybe
i should just start
speaking the truth

we are wavering
daily
between love and hate

how can these things
transform
into one another
with such ease?

not sure
how much more
my heart can take

the invitation

will always
show
what
you
welcomed
openly

...
that which
you

now

deny
so
vehemently

i finally gave myself
enough space
to miss you

just one day
stands between us

just one sleep
with dreams of you

just one more
day

then

what

beautiful you
how powerful you make me feel
how loved
and how special

imagining
something new
something wonderful
something with you

and
one day

maybe

it’ll be true

now that
we both know

it suddenly
seems
more sad
more lonely

too real

oh, how quickly
hope wanes
replaced immediately
by
bitter
doubt

toxic blood
toxic breath
toxic you
toxic death

i'm searching
aimlessly
even though
i know where
to find
you

everyone
i thought i had
are now gone

hopes
drooping
lonely
veil

i’m lonely with you
but
i’ll be lonely without you

too little
heart

too late
to depart

too much
dreaming
from the
start

shock
subsides

brings
acceptance
from
knowing

confidence
in next

i thought of you the whole way up
the way we laughed last time we were here
and you walked first
to catch the spider webs
i took a photo of you
with the sun rays shining down
from between the fluttering leaves
the wind carried your voice
so i couldn't hear everything you said
as you walked ahead with more speed
than i wanted
like you were trying to get away from me
and like i am now
always trying to keep up
while you're slowly moving
away

i should have made you stay

what is

   enough
   right
   fitting
   --here--

now


that didn't seem
to be
before?

you stopped
short of the line

that i desperately wanted
you to cross

i'll still
wait
a little longer

to wait
is an illusion

patience is
merely
self control

words
acquire meaning
with action

i am
choosing
every
day

what is it to be innocent?
and why does it bring you back to me..
over and over again
you ignore my ignoring
and have something positive to say
even when i tell you to go away

i think i'm still waiting
for the truth to overlay

it scares me
like maybe
you didn't see something
to deter you
and like maybe
you will
one day

a love too big
to understand

a life too short
to embrace

my patience too thin
to wait

why
does it have
to be
a wish?

you're my dream

i'm not sure
if this is the kind of dream

that can be real
or that can never be real