Theia Gwen

Theia Gwen Feb 2014

When I think of you leaving
I see hundreds of scenarios
And dialogs speed through my brain
In some of them, you're as sad as I am that you're leaving
In some, you pack your bags with angry words
But in every single one
There's a final hug,
There's me breaking down,
And begging you to stay,
There's you actually going
And leaving me all alone
You can't just make me fall in love with you
And then say, "Goodbye."
There's me wondering if you're happier,
There's always my paranoia,
I always imagine you meeting a girl,
I imagine you forgetting my face,
And my laughter,
Until I'm but a stranger
And that new girl is all that runs in your mind
There's me sitting by a phone waiting for a call
That I'll never receive
I see me being lonely and depressed
Because you took my heart with you when you left

Just expanding on all these scenarios I see of my boyfriend leaving me.. I'm just terrified of the day that I'm nothing but "A series of blurs like I never occured." as DCFC so beautifully put it.

Theia Gwen Feb 2014

The Ugly Truth Of The Future

A few days ago you asked me about college
And I told you the future was a ******* hole I don't want to think about
You said "I like that metaphor, or analogy or whatever that would be called."
I said, "All I know if college is a way for me to get out."
You then told me you wanted to go somewhere all across the ******* country
All of the sudden a million scenarios of us saying goodbye flooded me
This is one instance where I'd prefer to hear the pretty lies
That you'll never leave
And that our love will never die
I'm not stupid and I know that one day,
The memories of me will be a thing of the past
But just thinking about it
Puts into perspective that this will never last

Just ramblings...My boyfriend brought up college the other day and told me he's looking at a college in Oregon which is all the way across the country and it just made me really sad to think about the fact that once graduation comes, the "future" iv'e always been scared about won't be the future anymore, it'll be the present and that scares me and I don't want it to be like that. This isn't one of my better ones, just needed to get my thoughts out...

Theia Gwen Feb 2014

Heart vs. Mind

My whole life is a battle between heart and mind
And you always send them both
Barrelling in overdrive

Despite the hits my heart has taken
The childlike state hasn't died
The one telling me no one will hurt me
And that everyone can be kind
But i've built a cage around my heart
Barbed wire trying to stamp out feelings of love from the start

And my mind is no more reliable
The things it whispers to me always keeping me in the dark
Fear and sadness keep me rooted to the spot
Always replaying peoples cruel remarks
No end to the horrid thoughts tattooed in my brain

Somehow you've gotten through the barriers my heart has put up
And for some reason you deal with all the demons my mind has ingrained
My heart wants to believe you when you say that four letter word
How you could love someone who hates herself is an idea my brain can't comprehend
I think it's time I let my heart free once more
And silence my brain screaming "You'll only get hurt!"
Despite the fact that it's only hurting myself
It's time for my mind to be reworked
And now that my heart controls my mouth I can finally say
"I love you too"

Theia Gwen Jan 2014

Writer's Block

My words aren't graceful or eloquent
I've never been a good writer
And everything I want to say sounds inadequate
I can never find the right words to say
I could write volumes about you
But everything just comes out as a cliche
So I'll just listen to a love song
Because everyone's better at saying what I think
It's not unusual that you leave me tongue tied with no response
And everytime I try to string letters in a coherent thought
I just get your name
Only your name

Theia Gwen Jan 2014

Naps In The Cold

You pointed at the door
And told me you were done trying
And that I'd be out of the house pretty soon
I realize that was supposed to be a threat
But I looked out the window
And found myself hypnotized
By the snow rising and falling
Performing a dance in the wind
And I thought about walking outside
With only the clothes on my back
21°
And as my hands turned blue
I'd realize how tired I was
And make a pillow in the snow
And curl up and go to sleep
And maybe, just maybe
I'd wake up in a better place

Theia Gwen Jan 2014

Defiance

Her mother pushed religious ******* down her throat
But she refused to listen
Her mother pulled her hair and took away her hope
But she had accepted long ago her mothers love had conditions
Her mother always let her get caught in the crossfire of her anger
But she just locked herself in her room to forget
Her mother constantly called her a failure
But she didn't need her mother to remind her of her regrets
Her mother was fed up with her passive aggressive behavior
But she knew she deserved better than this neglect
Her mother always yelled at her for never talking
And she let hollow silence be her reply
It wasn't until her mother said "You should **** yourself."
That she happily complied

Theia Gwen Jan 2014

Halloween Party

She was surrounded by people with different identities
People celebrating being somebody else, if only for one night
Or possibly they were more themselves than ever
Perhaps they're reflecting the monsters they see in themselves at midnight

It was supposed to be a happy night and a fun party
With laughs, good food and jokes
So why were so many people sad?
Oh right, all of our love lives ******

Owen had a crush on Kitty,
Ellie had fallen for Jake,
Nate needed closure with Erica who never even came
And I was in love with the boy allergic to straight answers

With him things can never be in black and white
When I ask him a question yes, no and maybe are all his answers
That boy was a huge mystery
That I intended to master

He wore a tux, a top hat and a mustache drawn in sharpie
And *******, did he look good
I was dressed like Sherlock Holmes
But he was still an enigma I couldn't understand

I must admit, I made a ****** detective
And I could never be a Sherlock Holmes
I wasn't smart enough to get down to the science of how I felt
And as much as I wish I could, I was never able to read his emotions

But I was tired of pining over someone who would never love me back
I needed to tell him we couldn't be friends anymore, because I was too fond of him
Apparently I was more ignorant than I thought
Because according to everyone I was the only one who couldn't see you loved me a lot
So I found you and asked you if that was really true
You smiled at me and said
"No ****, Sherlock."

Another poem written about Nicholas. I've been writing about him a lot lately and thinking about our relationship and I thought about the night we decided to go out which was at a Halloween party and this poem is pretty much true except he never actually said "No ****, Sherlock." While writing this that just popped in my head and I thought that would be quite cool. This poem kind of reminds me of some of my favorite lyrics from Death Cab For Cutie "
"Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago"
I don't know, maybe I just want an excuse to promote my favorite band but it feels perfect.