I read your words
Combinations of
Combinations of words
Combined
In a way that is uniquely
Yours.
I find it awe-inspiring
Truly.
You make me want to
Cry.
When I hear your feelings
Expressed so beautifully.
Your worries
So sincere.
It makes me worry
Which makes me stop worrying
Because it shows me that I
Still care.

It still startles me
To have an enemy who hates
So completely.
You start to drift back to where you could be
Should be
Want to be
Are loved
Are accepted
And this enemy takes over
Because he knows that if you overcome
You will challenge him to the fullest.
He hates you
And he should
He should fear you
Hate you
He wants you dead
Absolute
Unconditional
Unending
Hate.
He wants you to feel cold
To feel alone
To feel hated.
He makes you run as far as you can
From love
And into his hateful arms.
Because your pain
Is his only true joy.

I have never been close to
Anyone.
I have never thought of others
As being as intricate as me.
I felt a distance
Though I never noticed it
Until now.
I feel different with you
Especially when I think about
Our fights.
It seems like my problem is that
At least in the beginning
I didn't see you as another
Consciousness.
I merely saw you as a
Person I was fond of.
And I now realize
That this is how I see people in general.
Does that make me partially a
Sociopath?
I'm not sure.
But that's how it is.
And I'm sure I would still see you the same
As everyone else
If I didn't want to know you
To love you
So **** well.
In fact, I may have left a door open
To this solitary confinement of
My psyche.
And you pushed it open
Giving me extreme feelings that I don't
Understand.
I never will understand.
But I'll try.
Because you are not an
NPC
You are complete
Like me.
Like every person I don't understand.
You too are battered
Bruised
Scarred by things that I will never have to take.
Experienced in life
In love
In hate
In pain
In loss
In joy
In everything.
But not the same as me
But somehow
not different...

This music
It isn't emotional
It isn't intelligent
In fact, it's dumb
But it makes me want to move
To play
All day
All night
Run
Jump
Fight
Love
It excites me.
Does it excite you too?

The shadows move slowly
Sneakily
So you don't notice them.
The shadows move quietly
Leaking into your subconscious
And eating you from the inside.
They leak into your thoughts
Poisoning your mind with dreams of pain
Hate
They slowly move to cover your face
They slowly move to cover your mind
They silently strike
And poison your soul.
A shadow creeps into your mind even now
Seeding the painful thoughts and actions
Which will drive you to hurt yourself and others.
Ruining a day for no reason at all
Forcing a night into sleepless torment
Always next to you
Always surrounding you
Hiding from the light
Owning the night.
Fight these shadows
Drive them away with joy
Love
Light
Happiness
Compliments
Laughs
Lazy days in the sun
Kisses
Fight these shadows
And rid the world as best you can.

Adviser conniver
Bring me some cheese
I'm lost in a forest
Full up with trees.
My father a lion
My mother a *****
I just may collapse
If I don't find a bench.
From sunrise to sunset
I wander so lost
Soon Winter will come
I'll be covered in frost.
The blue of the sky
The chill of the air.
I fear for my life
Should I come cross a bear.
This has no real meaning
I felt the need to write.
Trying to stay awake
Wish this could be goodnight.

I love how
After we hang out
Almost every time
My shirt smells like you.

I love it.

How do I know what
True beauty is?
Well,
I've had the pleasure of witnessing it
Every time
That I look into your eyes.

I go to bed
And I wait.
I wait for sleep to envelop me
Overriding all of my connections
Taking over my dormant mind.

I wait
I wait for the dream you want us to share
The dream we've both had
Repeatedly.
Tonight, shall we share it?

I'll be waiting for you
In my dreams.

You're making me run
Out
Of things to write about.

It's not that I'm bored
Oh no
I love these feelings that I want to express

It's just that
I've expressed them.
I hope my writing isn't
Redundant.

In my head
I have all these
Feelings
Feelings for you.
You
Are always on my mind.
I wake up and think about you.
I think about you through my day.
I think of you as I fall asleep.
I dream about you all night.
Honestly, before this started
Before we talked
Before I fell in love
I could have lived pleasantly
Happily
But now
I don't know how I could
Live
Without you
Without your presence
Without these thoughts of you
Which I treasure.
Always.
You're amazing
In so many crazy ways.
Your laugh
Your smile
Your kindness
Your uniqueness.
You're beautiful,
Though that word can scarcely describe you.
I could get lost in your eyes
If I was able to look for long enough.
You make some great faces
And they've become easy to read.
Your voice echoes in my head
If I hear one word from your lips.
The way it feels to have you next to me
Lingers on my skin for an eternity.
To be with you
Is all I want.

I love you.

When I think about you

Ba-bump

When I see you

Ba-bump

When we hug

Ba-bump, ba-bump

When I lay next to you

Ba-bump, ba-bump

When we kiss

Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump

Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump

My heart goes crazy
I feel it in my ears

Not a lot gets my heart going like that
But you
You make it happen more than anything else!
I listen to your heartbeat
To try to find out
If you feel the same.
Around you
Half-crazed
Very much out of my mind
I have trouble controlling myself
So I need to let out this
Energy
Amazement
Hunger
Somehow.
Can you guess?
I'm sure you know...
Oh yeah

I love you
More than anything.
Thought I'd let you know.

All I want
Is to sleep next to you.
All night.
And wake up with you.
Cuddle with you.
It's all I long for.
Night and day.
Every hour
Waking or sleeping.
You're on my mind.

My eyes are wet.
It can't be tears
Because I don't cry.
I think some of my
Happiness
Love
Joy
Is seeping out.
I blame you
But I don't really mind.

We talked on the phone
Not even for long
And it was mostly silence.
All I could think
All I can think
Is
I love you
Kaydee, I love you
I love you, I love you.
You're so amazing
I love you so much
I can't hold it in.
I don't want to hold it in!
**I LOVE YOU

I am relieved
No, I didn't
Relieve myself
(Meaning pooping, etc.)
I am relieved
Because something I worried was wrong
Somehow
Is actually embraced.
A weight has been lifted.

Right now
I am simply
Happy.
I won't be brought down
Though I dread tomorrow.
I am talking to you
Even though we sit in silence.
I cannot believe how happy this makes me.

Oh dear,
There seems to be some deer
Looking at me with a queer sneer
And wiggling their rear.

Even talking over the phone
No
Because we're talking over the phone
I think your voice is
Amazing...

Why is it that
Whenever I look into your
Eyes,
I feel like I'm dreaming?
Your eyes are beautiful
Even more so because
They're yours.

We're talking on the phone
And suddenly you say
Bat poo.
You're weird
But cute.

The lion lays with
The lamb.
It is true
Occasionally.
I have seen it.
No, not with actual animals
But with people.
Within people.
The rage is near to the

Peace

And they can be sated.
But more often than not
The lion devours the lamb.
Takes it whole into its mouth.

CRUNCH

And the lamb is no more.
It is crushed to pieces.
And only the lion remains
Savage
Powerful
And
Greedy.

Do not let your lion
Consume your lamb.

Just a thought.

My music
So varied
So magical
So powerful
Music tames the heart of any
Wild beast.
Even
The beast within me.

In a few days
I will be very
Busy.

The one thing I cannot stand
Is to be busy.
To have places to be.
Places I don't really
Want
To be.
Because my childish
Teenage
Juvenile
Mind
Just wants to play
And have fun.
Though I enjoy school
I don't want it to start.
I still have awhile before
But I have things
Important things
That need doing.
And my free time
Well
My most cherished possession
It's going to be mostly gone.
But I asked for this.
So I'll weather it.
But dangit,
I just want to relax.

We are tainted
Poisoned
Weakened by our societal
"Needs"

We are bound
Bound to this earth
By our greed
Our lies.
Our pain.

Take the antidote
It is within reach
Remove your bindings
They're loose.
It's your choice.

The longing I cannot express
This insatiable
Yearning.
I cannot shake this feeling.
I'm missing something.
Someone
Some**you

For you
I think I would do
Anything.
Because of this one
Tiny little thing.
I don't know what it is
But I like it.
Love
When I think about
You
I don't care about
Anything
Else.
All I want is to
Hold you
Kiss you
Fall asleep to you
Wake up to you.
Even things
I don't like
I would do
If it meant I could see you
Even for a moment.
Cause I'm
Crazy
For you.
And honestly
I like it.

Fear.
Do we grow out of it?
Or do we just grow
Accustomed to it?
Sometimes I don't know.

It's getting late
In fact
I'm the only one still
Awake.
I'm changing that now
And not by waking up
Someone else.
I'm going to sleep
I reach to turn the lights
Off.
But suddenly
I realize that I am alone.
I realize how reliant I am on sight
I start to imagine things
Impossible things.
Following me.
Patiently.
Just beyond my sight
Wherever I'm not looking.

What are they going to do?
Take me?
**** me?
Transform me?
**** me?
I don't know.
But.
Just to be safe
I turn the lights off
In a way that I can
Always remain
In the light.
Until finally
I turn off the lamp at
My bedside
And hide under the blankets
Which somehow protect me.
I realize now
That I am afraid.
Afraid of the dark.

Have you ever noticed
That when you're running
You aren't listening to your
Breathing?
But when you stop
You notice it
And feel more tired?

In life
Have you ever noticed
That you get caught up
"Running"
And don't stop?
You are going with the flow
But if you stop and look back
You may notice
You aren't the same person
you may be compromising your
Morals
And not even notice.
Hurting others
Without a thought
And leaving behind those
You really care about.
I suggest
Stopping
Turning around
And looking at your life
Because you may be tired
And not even notice it.

Just a thought.

Walking during the dark night
My faithful friend trotting at my side
Adventuring the night away
Nothing can stop us!
Onward!
We will conquer the world!
To victory!
Glory!
We're going to be the very best!
Like no one ever was!
To catch them is our real test...
To train them is our cause!
Every challenge along the way
With courage we will face!
We will battle every day!
To claim
Our rightful place.

I never wrote about Love
Not before now
Because I was never sure
But after today
I think that I'm ready to try.

What is love?
Is it nothing but a
Chemical reaction in the brain?
Ascribing worth?
Maybe
But it's more than that
To me at least.

Love is
Knowing someone's full of faults
And staying anyway.

Love is
Making limits
And respecting them.

Love is
Your heart skipping a beat
At the sound of a name.

Love is
Fighting to not fall apart
When you disagree.

Love is
Wanting to give
A random hug.

Love is
Wanting to receive
A random hug.

Love is
Crying for
Someone.

Love is
The feeling I get
When I fight to tell you
"Kaydee, I love you"
And saying it anyway.

Finally, Love is
Crying
Reminiscing
Dreaming
Wondering
Waiting
Being

Together.­

I now have no control over how I love you.
I cannot hold it back.
I don't want to hold it back.
I just want to hold you
Talk to you
Fall asleep with you
Laugh with you
Cry with you

And that's why I thought I was ready to write about love.

I wear glasses
But they're a pain.
They get in the way.
And I look better without them.
Plus, they distance me
From the world
Because the world I normally see
Is blurry
Fuzzy
Like a painting
Of some sort.
It makes me wonder.
Which world is real?
The one that lets me see everything clearly at a distance?
Or the world
That forces me to get close to something to understand it?
And I wonder
Which do I prefer?

Have you ever just been in a
Bad mood?
No real reason why?
I was today
But I still had fun
It was like a
Break
From happiness
To feel *******
At the world
No person in particular
But I stood away from the others
I hope I didn't mess with them
Because it was my mood
Not theirs.
And I don't wanna share.

Is it a word?
It's fun to say
And I use it to describe things
People
Ha, this isn't deep
But I enjoy this stuff.

I'm living under the influence
Not drugs
No major addictions
But I'm still drugged and addicted
To peace
Calm
Quiet
It's hard to be empathetic
Without sad feelings myself
Not that I WANT sad feelings
But
I don't really want to be
At peace.
It's nice
But I'll end up hurting someone
If I don't think sadness is necessary.
I'm not sure where to stand
Because it always seems to be one or the other.

A blank canvas
An idea
Kind of
Tainted and Bound
What shall I draw?
What should I write?
About this cursed house
All the memories
And pain
Experienced here
And the things I will never experience here
I'm at a loss for words
For lines
For ideas.
Help.

I'm getting so
Lazy
But heck
I deserve some laziness
Not a lot
But my wall flips are looking pretty nice
So there.

I should stop
Procrastinating
Cause it'll be a pain
Later.
But there's so many other things
That I'd rather do
Though I'm procrastinating on something that I
Enjoy.
Shoot.
I **** at this.

So many days
Are they numbered?
Of course
Is the obvious answer
But is it that simple?
I'm curious how the days were
Before time
Before creation
The eternity
Before eternity
No gadgets
To measure time
No light
No darkness
Nothing
Feelings?
Nope
Senses?
Nope
ANYTHING?!
No.
How were days then?
How can we measure a day
Split into smaller numbers
Seems smaller
Yet larger
We can't move through time
Because we first need to move through a second
But to move through a second
We need to move through a half-second
And to move through a half-second
Well
You know.
But somehow we do.
It's impossible
According to logic
So how do we do it?
Time is relative
So in a time without anything
We have an eternity all at once
Forever
In our minds
Within a second
Infinitely old
Yet infinitely young
Infinitely mature
With no maturity
Our feeble human minds cannot fathom eternity
Or can we?
You tell me.
I have time.
...
An eternity, in fact.

I don't know you
You've said that I don't before
So much I'll never know.
I'm not pushing you away
Am I?
I hope you know
I tell you more than anyone
Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Lingering thoughts in the back of my head
Temptations attacking at times that I dread
Get out of me, out of my head
If not, be careful
Of the places you tread

Previously
I've only written for a website
Now I'm writing
for myself.
It's different,
Uncensored.
It's reminders for me.
About things I struggle with
Daily.
Where I know
I should be.
So that I cannot
Convince myself
Of a tempting lie.

How blessed we are
To have, each other
You hold us all, close
By your side

These words
Ringing in my head
I didn't write them first
But I wanted to share how
They make me feel

I feel hopeful
Hopeful at the prospect of being
At anyone's side
At God's side
At your side

I feel blessed
Blessed to know God
And those who love him
And almost more so
Those who don't.

And I am at peace
The most powerful being
Ever
Is on my side
Loves me
And wants to work through me.

I am humbled
Because I can be nothing else.
I'm smaller than an atom to him
Yet he loves me infinitely
Passionately
He forgives me my sins
And he calls me friend.

It makes me want to cry.

An initiation
And suddenly, everyone has your back
24/7
This is a beautiful thing
It seems
So why
Doesn't it happen in church?

Baptism
Is an amazing thing.
It renews
Restores
And rebirths.
It's an initiation into the kingdom
So why don't we do it the way
Gangs do?

I'll always try to
I'll bend my schedule
But I can't always
Break it.
But I'll try.
Call me.
Text me.
Email me.
Throw a brick through my window
With a note.
Contact me somehow.
I'll do what I can.
Because I want to be
In Jesus' gang.
And I want to be there
For you.

The faith
What is it?
And why should I keep it?
Maybe it's the collective faith
That I should keep?
Because my own,
Well,
It's fairly solid.
It has a strong foundation.
Thick walls.
Earthquakes come occasionally
It's fallen
Been rebuilt
Again and again
Stronger each time.
i must work on the
Collective faith.
Not everyone has
Strong faith.
No person alive
Is always built tall.
We all have cracks in our walls.
Leaks in our ceilings.
Loose doors.
And we are never alone in out
Faith-house.
There are friends inside
But more often than not
The majority is enemies.
To me
"Keep the faith"
Means to hold up each others' walls.
To patch their roof.
To bring housewarming gifts.
And to be the friend among enemies.

Run, run away
Away from the fires
Run, run away
Away from the liars

Run from the obvious fakes
Run from the poisonous snakes
Go, now, on ahead.
I'd rather be caught
Than see you dead

Keep running, running
Your feet are like lead
Keep running, running
Just don't end up dead

This isn't the end
A thousand miles to go
But keep a fast pace
They'll catch you if you're slow

Constantly
You are forgiving me
You are showing me
The full extent of your love
You are so big
The universe is in your hand
And you care
For me.
My problems.
My relationships.
My love.
Me.
Among this huge space
It continually baffles me
That you want me to be saved.
You want all of us
Individually
To be saved.
You want to save
The person reading this.
They have unsurpassed worth
That you recognize.
Thousands of second chances
Daily.
I am humbled.

She was crying
She had before
I'm sure she will again.
She says she wasn't going to anymore.

Hypocrite!

What about what you told me?
You say "I'm ok"
When you're obviously not
You're lying to yourself
And me
You know that!

I was disgusted.
Lying to yourself.
To me.
Don't you know how much I care?!
How much I love you?!
Why would you lie to me then...?
I told you not to say it again.
I told you to promise.
And I will always be here for you.
Even if something somehow changes between us
If you stop loving me
If we fade in some way
I will always love you
My shoulder is for you to cry on
After all,
I don't use it.
I welcome tears
If they come.
But it's not easy for me.
Even if I try

But you have cried around me...
Is it three times now?
I hope I'm not causing it
Somehow
Because I would hate that.
You kept asking me
Before you cried
Why I was looking at you.

Well.
I didn't know what to do.
What to say.
It's tremendously difficult for me
To reach out
Say the things I did.
I don't do well with those things.
But for you
I will always
Always
Always
Try.

Nothing major hurts
Not right now
A couple scratches here and there
Bumps and bruises
Physical and mental
But overall
I'm okay.
And that's okay.
See, that's when I'm at my best.
I can relax
And let my soul pour out.
I feel at peace
So I can have new ideas.
Gain new confidence.
Love more freely.
Embrace more openly.
Stop and think before I move.
See, I will always have minor pains
Aches
Scars even.
But they aren't what is on
My mind.
So I can have free reign
Over my thoughts
Emotions
Body
Impulses.
I am in control.
I am at peace.