When this girl talks to me...
I instantly freeze.
Something about her.
I've never known anyone like her.
People talk cap about her but I don't know why...
Is her looks acting as a disguise?
She is always really nice,
She is also very beautiful.
Why the hell cant I just talk to her like a normal human would.
Instead I freeze up and look like a goof.
She said what's good?
I stared at her stunned and then she repeated herself.
What's good?
I continued to stare then started to laugh.
What is wrong with me?!?
She is only a human being.
I don't know why I freeze up.
I don't know why I try to duck.
Avoiding her at times like the plague.
Sorry you crazy redhead.
I don't mean to seem strange.
I just really really really am bad at talking to people.

i love you
i love you
i love you
it feels like i'm screaming into a void
why won't you say it back?
never mind
i get it
i don't love me either

It's strange how things can shift
When you give them the chance
I didn't know that this could happen
But I smiled when you asked me to dance

And I would dance with you forever
My head gently pressed on your chest
I would laugh with you forever
While you claim we're the best

Your bright blue eyes and small little grin
Your faith in the world and in me
Make me want to lay with you forever
Under the shade of your most favorite of trees

Please hold my hand and rub my back
And never forget that very first night
Or the kisses you laid on my forehead
And everything in the world for once felt right

performing autopsies on our old conversations
dissecting every angle and standpoint
checking every pulse-point and spark of life in the words you once said to me
and while i know them to be poison laced, nothing seems amiss

I've been on nineteen trips around the sun
And you see the stars in all those girls you sleep around with
And I can't help but think if our lives hadn't crossed paths
Maybe I wouldn't be in love with the way you look in the moonlight tonight
And you wouldn't pretend you see a galaxy inside of me
But then, maybe the stars aligned for you and I.

once upon a time
i believed in a paradigm
that had me condemned.

this kept me concealing
new stunning feelings,
that later would need some healing.

i cannot imagine
how i could hold passion
if i did not know this affliction.

its held above my head
and blocks my thoughts;
striving to make them rot.

beauty became lost chaos
and danger was wonderfully irrelevant
over waterfalls of suicidal insecurities.

knowledge forever forfeit
while our consciousness was dormant
in a haze of repressed youth.

i will find the means
to survive my teens
and overwhelm the fantasy
pushed upon me.

the real world
will take my mold
and accept all those lost with me.

i will become the greater creator
and produce an ideal,
made to heal

and morn for those
who gave in
and let the old ways win.

you ask me

“do you like making music?”

kiss me on the cheek

I look at

my hands resting on your keyboard, almost still

turn around and

reply with a big smile

“yeah, yeah I do”

I would like to say in an unimpressed tone

that I have heard this all before

that this is not new

but it is.

with you I am different,

happy.

for a little while,

I forget what I am

what i feel

forget about flinging my body down the stairwell

forget about the feeling of my fingertips pulling at my skin

hoping I can tear it apart

I forget for a little while

just long enough to make me believe the world is fine

that everything will be okay

that I am okay

that I am not just a celexa girl

who writes sad poetry

that death would not be blissful to me

because I have you

and only you

sometimes it feels like you are the only one who cares when everything is closing in

you tell me I am always nice and soft

when I have felt like I was the opposite of that

for so so long

being with you is almost unbelievable

like you know all the right things to say to make my heart feel as if it has made the right decision by still continuing to beat

and I know that all of this cliché.

everything I write about you is a cliché mess

a mix of happiness and beautiful things I am too afraid to say to your face

the things I only write in poems

tell you when I think you are asleep

while I lay down

almost still

calm,

breathe softly

read you this poem

and then

say goodnight and goodbye.

thank you,

for letting me

let you in.

even if you

were not awake

to know

I. I have spent too long confusing living and surviving. I have not felt alive in months, I'm doing just enough to get by.

II. The urge to go back to sleep doesn't root from my sleep deficit but more manifests in the gut feeling that being an active member of society will cause me a great deal of pain.

III. Going back to sleep is not always the best option, but sometimes its the only option.

IV. Depression isn't cute or romantic, it's life-******* and exhausting. That being said, I have been holding hands with this illness for far too long and I have yet to learn why.

V. When you're little you take for granted how often you were truly happy and how little you were sad. I'd give anything to feel that free again.