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                  dis C ord
                        H ell
                   an A rchy
              turm O il
             lawle S s

i was sitting in the dark
just waiting for a spark
scrolling through my phone
asking if there's someone home
it's real empty up there
it's all air down here
they don't care about fears
they just stay and chill
they just want a thrill

i've been losing my mind
i've been wasting my time
i've been lying for awhile
i've been faking several smiles
i've been worked up over nothing
i've been craving for some loving
but i know i'll never get it
i know i won't forget it
while i'm alive
while i survive

i was looking through my scrapbook
never really liked how my cap looked
the faces they have faded through the years
yet i can still hear my peers sneer
a disappointment and i know it
afraid of choices and i show it
i don't know how to be okay
what do you all want me to say
i know you're watching, watching
my ship's sinking and i'm the ******* captain
so hold on fellas and don't let go
it's about to be one hell of a show

i've been losing my mind
i've been wasting my time
i've been lying for awhile
i've been faking several smiles
i've been worked up over nothing
i've been craving for some loving
but i know i'll never get it
i know i won't forget it
while i'm alive
while i survive

i think it's fine
i just need 8 hours or 9
some shut-eye will do me good
but right now i don't think i would
got too much on my mind
but i'm fine

i've been losing my mind
i've been wasting my time
i've been lying for awhile
i've been faking several smiles
i've been worked up over nothing
i've been craving for some loving
but i know i'll never get it
i know i won't forget it
that's if i stay alive
that's if it's not a lie

When I was small, carefree and young
I would laugh, giggle and have so much fun
Who would of known or ever could see
What I would go through what I would be

The roads I would travel the things I'd go through
I had love and friendship that never seemed true
Break ups and make ups, good times and bad
I lived through the fights and the memories I had

I believed in that prince on a white shinny horse
Will he still come and sweep me up of course
I'm still so young and many years are ahead
But at times I feel alone and in side so dead

I have worries and dreads and flights of fears
Its my demons and emotions that I mostly fear
The nights bring no comfort the day no peace
I wish this battle I face would just ceace

I can't explain and I don't know why
Sometimes I break and all I want is to die
I try to reach out and speak from my heart
But then the pain and emotions restart

You'll never know or understand if you tried
The mental agony and pain that inside I hide
Now I'll be fine and all seems so well
Then in an instant I pull into my shell

I know you worry I know you wonder
How can you calm my raging thunder
You cant help me you can't heal me
Cause I cant explain, I so wish to be free

It comes from within and it blows in an instant
Then from the world I keep my distance
It's emotions and worries and panic attracts
When you think it is over it's suddenly back

Where do I turn to where can I run
I wish to be happy carefree and fun
It raises in an instant and stays for so long
Then there goes my quietness like distant song

People try help and give there advise
They tell me to stand up, they tell me to raise
They say I'm stronger than what I believe
I must try harder and to advise give heed

I have tried this and that so many times
But it doesn't help cause it's more than my mind
Its deep in my soul my gut and my heart
If only I could figure out from where is all starts

How to control it so that it won't last
Maybe it's hidden deep in my past
I've dug and I've dug and pondered on things
All that it does is another one brings

It doesn't help me when you stare at me
You think I don't know but I always see
The whispers and giggles and ugly remarks
Don't be back stabbing take of your masks

It's a constant battle to keep it together
I'm even effected by the change of weather
But I keep on going and pray to keep standing
And always on my two feet to be landing

So next time you see me distressed and ranting
Tears in my eyes and heavily panting
Try to be loving, understanding and gentle
It hurts me more when you are judgement

I know that you battle at times understand me
Do you stay away or reach out and hold me
I wish I could change and be more stable
Believe me I would of if only I was able

I can hear the wind as it whistles
Through my inner spinning cycle
Of questions, as they turn around

I hope the answers can be truth
But doubt is a falling stone
And I feel the weight of a pebble rain
As I am pressed into the dark

I look for the spark of confidence
But it flutters, a bug in a glass
No escape from inside, looking out

I am told they speak a truth
But truth is a promise not yet fulfilled
So how can sincerity be accomplished
In a world full of honest liars