I guess I should start by saying it's always been a part of me
Although I never really noticed it until it had been pointed out to me
Countless times, that question was repeated:
"Why are you like this?"
"Why are you like this?"

I kept yelling back "I don't know!"
But the message never seemed to go through
Confused and frustrated, I curled up into my shell
I walked alone in my quiet hell

Because that's what they wanted, right?
That's what they expected?
I guess I grew to comply
But inside I felt rejected
I thought they wanted the pain to eat me alive

And now, here I am
Just trying to find myself again
But I fear they'll gossip if I leave my cage
But with that mindset, nothing will change

I will never be saved.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Cradling beliefs with no foundation in reality.
Alone in a mind of oil
Staining all who brave my touch

Familiar faces soaked in anxiety
They stare with memories I long to forget

These glossy eyes that fear closing... moving.... shifting.... seeing...
Worlds will fall
Perceptions will alter

These words are caught in my throat
Festering

How do I say hello?
How do I keep the conversation going? Are they staring at me because they know I'm not normal. Can they see my disfigured soul hiding beneath this skin?
This deformed skin....
Do they notice that I am an imposter?
Do they see how I react alien to how they do? How I second guess each expression.

Words fall from my eyes without allowance.
The connection isn't there.

I Stare down
I drown them with every glance.
Words falling.
Flooding.
Making oceans of unspoken phrases.
Needs.
They breathe me in.
All the words I've never spoken.

They drown in my illusions.
And run away like mad men.
To a world I cant seem to be a part of.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy
Oil drowns me, and dilutes my words.
Taking away who I am.
My words are my life.
But I cannot speak them.

No one will ever know.
And I will never tell them.
I am Drowning in illness.
________

S O C I A L

A   N X     I E           T               Y

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Say something out loud
Speak for others to hear you
But don’t be too quiet

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Speak, speak, speak
My mouth will not move
You’ll have to do it for me

Open your mouth, open your mouth
Stop, stop, stop
I’m too quiet
And I fear
The people in the crowd

You watch me dance 
sexualizing my every move 
fantasizing 
thinking that 
I’m shaking for you 
to get you to notice me 
You think I must want you 
the way you want me 
But I’m just trying 
to shake this devil 
off of my back 
The one that comes around 
when I have to be around others 
around people like you 
The devil that has me 
searching for the right thing to say 
at the bottom of the glass 
My holy water replacement 
The devil that shoots panic through my veins 
and sets my blood on fire 
My body can’t stop moving 
because it rejects interaction 
It is being tormented 
by my tormenting thoughts 
The air perishes 
and I’m being dragged to hell again 
Why is something 
that seems so seamless
for everyone else 
so strenuous for me? 

- Social Anxiety