An island in the sea
Is where I longed to be
Blissfully safe and sound
Without a single soul around

But what I discovered
Was that venturing from that place
Was the key I needed to uncover
So I had to begin at a new pace

An island in the sea
Is no longer for me
I assembled a vessel and sailed away
On the waves that I once had to wrestle
And so now I can certainly say
Onward to a much better day

Always alone, can never have enough attention
Always afraid to speak up, or out.
Never feeling like you are good enough, too plain.
Always feeling tired and weak.
Too much on my mind to converse.
Why does this happen to me, why can't I be normal?

Always afraid to show myself.
Always afraid to say something.
No one likes the real me, too weird.
No one will ever love me, not even myself.

Will I ever be able to fix myself?
Will someone be able to fix me?
Will anyone ever want to be my friend?
Will anyone ever talk to me?
Will I ever be good enough?
Will I ever find a best friend?

All these questions haunt me, taunt me.
Forever taking my soul.
Crushing it into a million pieces.
How does anyone survive this conundrum?

I will never survive, I will slowly die.
I will be a crushed piece of a cold heart.
I turn into a nobody.
I turn into someone I don't want to be.

Help me!
Help me escape these hell I have created myself to be.
Why did I do this to myself?
Why couldn't I just be normal?

Will I ever be at peace?

c.m.l.

I drank the *****
together with the pretty,
colorful juices

decantered and set
aside for the occasion.
Forgive me, I was

already tipsy,
because meeting new people
scares me a little.

I got drunk quickly,
and laid down on the couches
I just knocked right out.

Shameful, but then it
felt here, as always, like it
happened somewhere else.

When did friendship come with an expiration date
Since the first date we were strung out
Rung out and left to decay away
I thought I called Philotes all this time
Wrong dial- wrong mood- Oizys answers me in her place

It is the fear of absolment that vices my tongue
For I too often dissolve beneath others' acid
Quicker to cut the appendage than to gather my pride
Or what's been scraped from me

Curled up into a ball in the corner of the room,
Surrounded with nothing but bleak walls and the echoes of my breathe,
Staring out from behind the bars as I ignore the flickering light,
Hoping that a moment would come I could finally taste the freedom.

I couldn't remember how I got in this prison,
But the counts of my failed escapes are scarred on my body,
Every whisper is my shout, every tears are my untold wishes,
And every tick of the clock madness is feasting my mind.

Every move I make synchronizes with the sound of my chain,
Reminding me that my steps are counted as the walls around me,
Reaching out the bars, struggling to pass through them,
Yet all my endevours always go in vain.

The ghost of courage remains unseen and unheard,
Eyes on the laughing bars while I'm slowly shrinking,
As every strength fades into oblivion, this place turns into something worse,
For without a single sanity ever survived in a solitary confinement.

I am words left unspoken, unwillingly trapped in this place,
I am ashamed of how will I sound like to their ears,
Will I be accepted? Will I be rejected?
Will I be a curse or a blessing to the world?

I always try to blame others but it's me who trapped myself within these walls,
With no possible escapes I am willing to discover,
Loneliness is hunting me, holding the bow and arrow of despair,
But why? I'm just a voice longing to be heard.

When will I stop feeling okay and start feeling more?

My relationship with mirrors is strained.
When I look I usually see what's probably
myself. I look better, probably, than before
when I slept no more than
3 hours every night
and spluttered through life
choking on words and stumbling over
misconceptions.
Now all of that is merely a buzz
trampled by a maximum dosage of meds
that let me function in life
but make everything a bit numb.
I much prefer numbness to personal nihilism.
Other times when I look in the mirror I
don't see much of anything.
When I'm in public and
the innocent looming presence of others
threatens my mind's fragile ego,
I see them abstracted in my periphery,
their glinting knives of eyes
sparing me a passing glance
(She's just smiling politely,
but my skewed eyes glimpse
faux teeth and behind them gargled, ****** judgements. I don't judge the digust.)
and I skim over a transparency
of myself in the mirror.
Too bad I can't actually disappear.
(Or maybe I can.
But I try to stray a little farther from those thoughts.)
Sometimes I feel heartbreakingly
ugly in that mirror. Lonely. Unwanted.
Even with all those doting eyes on me.
I feel relied upon for something. To be
the one who makes them laugh. The one
who fills the silence. The one
who works hard even with setbacks.
(Do they even expect that of me? Or do I?)
When
in reality
I'm none of those things.
Not truly. Not really.
Theres always that tug of opposition in me,
that feeling of ingenuity, a touch of facade.
But I don't want them to see an ugly side.
The side that mistrusts violently,
that lies stagnant with thoughts screaming.
Clamming up in the face of oppressing quiet.
The side
that rears its head when
they look a little too close.
Maybe it's my truest self, that broken side.
I wouldn't know. There
are too many walls. I can't even break them
myself.
Or maybe I've broken them all,
but I'm blindfolded,
feeling around an abyss with my eyes
wide open,
vision obscured by skin-tight fabric.
I could just,
untie that knot behind my head,
spiral further and further down--
just to feel something else--
But it's safer in this uneasy emotion.
I dont know if I'll ever find myself in
the mirror again.