I've been anxious and depressed lately.
I haven't got time to catch my breath
I am so drained I can't even collect the energy to do basic tasks
My parents hate me because of this
I can't defend myself anymore
I don't have the energy to do so
My self destructive ways of coping are taking over my body
I can't breathe
It's like the color dissappeared and everything is foggy
I don't know how much longer I can take this
I've had enough

No I'm not okay. I feel depressed, have anxiety. I fear rejection and commitment at the same time. I want to tell someone before it's too late, but I don't want to hurt you. I need someone to hug me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. I want to tell everything I've been through. But what if I tell and you reject me? What if you leave me? I can't go through that another time.

Why is that I'm still here
Trapped in a room, with your pictures on the wall.
That whenever I go near, it disappears
And If I do get to touch it, I fall

Why is that with every fall, I end up back here.
Repeating the same scenario over and over
Getting back up, fall, then shed tears.
The more I fall, the room gets colder

Why can I not stop and give up
Abandon you and start living
With every fall my sanity blows up
But my heart insists on beating

For you and none other
Even if it starts to bleed
I will never falter
I will never concede

That I've lost more tears than words
That I've been scared of being intimate since the boy that abused me
That I'm hurting inside so badly that all I can do is laugh about it because I can't cope with the feelings in my head
That my mother is so depressed that the whole house is shaking
That my father cries silently in his room at night
That my sister is rather not at home
They don't know
They don't know why I wear scars like a crown
Why I wear bones like pearls
They don't know why I push them away
Why I love flowers more when they are dead
They don't know
Because I choose to
I need to be strong for my family
I need to keep the mask on
They don't know I'm wearing a mask
They just hear my name and associate it with the things I spill on the table
They will never know
I won't let them know

How did you peel open your eyes
After every blink?
How did you open your lips
After every word they screamed at you?
Why didn't you fight back with every tear they made you lose?
How did you not see the little dots of light in the evening sky hoping to be saved?
I know you wanted to be one of them
You wanted savior, but didn't let people close enough
That's the difference between you and the stars
They pull me close with a telescope, you push me away with all the power found in your fragile bones.
But then again, how did you become one of them?
How did you become one of the stars?

There is an insect inside of me
His name is depression
He's feasting on my innards
The pain moves up to my brain
It spreads through my veins
Now I'm shaking and choking on my own blood
Tearing up
Would that I could
And I am so very tired
If I could only end it all
Where am I, what can I do to stop this?

Who's there to trust?

I wish I could dissolve in water like salt can do
I wish I could part my molecules into such tiny pieces that you wouldn't be able to recognize them as me
I spent all my life hating myself, wondering why people ever put me here in the first place
I am self destructive
I am all kinds of wrong
I don't want to hurt the people close to me, so I put my guard up and don't let anyone come near me.
It's the only way I see things work
I wish I could dissolve like parfume does in air
Leaving a sweet smell behind that you'll remember for a while, but not
forever
I wish I was here for a moment, for only a splitsecond. You wouldn't be able to see me as a person, but as the substance that I want to be. I wish I was ashes and free to flow wherever I please. Just to feel free in my own skin for once

I don’t hear the boo
I don’t want a clue
I don’t want the cheer
I don’t need to hear

I couldn’t see what’s coming
So, why am I overthinking?
I couldn’t  see again what happened
So, all I have are lessons at the end

I couldn’t feel the heat
I’m having a slow heart beat
Enforcing to numb the feeling
For the sake of practical reasoning

If insanity is lack of proper thinking
Then, what is for lack of proper feeling?
It is worth it to outsmart my emotions?
If my connections are my passions?

I am addicted to my own destruction
I never chose to live this life and now I'm ripping it off of me piece by piece like a poster on a wall
Once the pills kick in, I go back to numb
Once the blade hits my skin I can finally feel something
Once the alcohol or **** strucks my system I can stop thinking for a minute
Death is friendly to me, life is not
People are terrified of it, that's what sets me apart from them
Death became my lover a long time ago and he wants to take everything
I'm willing to give it all, but people are holding me back
There will be a time they lose grip There will be a time when I'm all alone with my thoughts and they'll swallow me like I'm nothing.
I can't bare it anymore
That time will be very soon

Past
Present
Future
All mixed up in that first hit.  
I didn't know it felt this way
And no one prepared me
But god was it confusing
How I couldn't tell if you were actually with me.  
I couldn't tell what time it was and my head felt really dizzy.  
I couldn't put together words because I was focusing on you
On who you were.  
How you felt.  
So I wouldn't panic.  
My first hit
And it leaves me wanting to feel lost again.