She could’t breathe
She hated the pills that caused temporary relief
and now the last bit of air was crushed under the surface of a way too big depression
People around her saw the mask she put on
and although the person behind is was crumbling into little pieces they kept smiling at her like she was a statue finally found after years of being stolen
She made sure people knew she was as strong as that piece of brick
She made pain a friendly visitor and love a daily struggle
After years of suffering in silence she started to believe the lie she used as glue for her masks
Her pain became a crown and love became something to run from
But now her air was being stolen and she couldn’t fight back anymore
Years of holding the ball underwater made her arms sore and now her bones started to snap like sticks
It was clear who was winning the battle
She started finding peace in the thought of the everlasting darkness
She couldn’t breathe
And for the first time in years she stopped gasping for air

I come and go as I please
I will never let my guards down and if I do let them down, it’s by mistake
I love passion and seduction, but get too close and I wander off
I will walk in your life and you’ll think of me as interesting. You will get to know a little piece of my soul, still in my control. But you won’t know
As soon as you want more I'll leave
Even if you are all that I ever wanted, the thought of jumping in the unknown feels like ice cold water under my feet. I can’t bare it.
I will love you with all of my heart, but I’ll only show a part of it to you.
This makes me a difficult lover
You can love me, kiss me, grab me and I will let you. But don’t get too close to the person I really am. She’s terrified of love. She’ll find pleasure in pain because that’s all she’s ever known. My challenge for you is to change that. Make her jump out of the cage she built for herself. You won’t regret, I promise.

what if I told you every scratch on my arm, every scar and every drop of blood and every trace of smoke is there for a reason. Would you understand? I don't think so. I do understand that. But even if I do I want to say to you that I can't tell you that I'm sorry about this. The pain in my head is so unbearable that my skin is numb to the touch. Every drop of blood has a little pain in it, untill all the pain is gone. You could say my skin is a faucet. It lets the pain flow outside. The scars aren't pretty, but they keep me alive. The faucet isn't working properly, but it works good enough to keep me breathing

Filled with sorrows were the eyes,
Written with blood were some lies.
And I painted a picture with tears and cries,
Cries so deep that the bravest soul dies.
Now lax and loveless my corpse lies,
Farewell, my dear myself
From a world that was never wise.

A safe place for me is
Behind the scribbles of my surroundings
Below the noise and talk
To wrap it up and put it away
Is a gift I can own, no guilt
No games, only immersing my body in the whitest sheets imaginable
With a touch of hair and
A lemon juice smile
A push of my hips and
Seeing my eyes out
What more could I ask for this while
Except more secrets
A whisper, a flame
A pillow with color
A mirror with no reins
Reflecting the plant alive in the corner and
Knowing I am not insane
I'm sitting on carpet and
feeling the ceiling through
My skin, precious like skin
Yet so filmy and thin
And if you should ask
I don't grave it I cool it and
Taste like fresh cucumber rain
I don't feed pain anymore, I just
Let it go again and again
With the blades turning
Watching the blame returning
I send it off with a love spree
Then it's silent in me and
I am free with only
one foot off the ground

All I feel is a whole lot of empty.

Nothingness.

And you don't understand how overwhelming that is.

I need everything to stop,
just for a while so I can regain my sanity.

But it doesn't.
Everything keeps going and I don't have a second to gain control.

So I spin out.

Give me my sanity
The piece of me you took with you
You control my thoughts
The part of me that once spoke freely
Forget my routine
The fragment that allowed sleep

I let you go
You’ve come back to haunt me

Happy thoughts!
Happy thoughts?
Happiness was what I sought.

Happy pills!
Happy pills?
They sure can make my brain rot.

Psychiatrist?
Doctor?
Doctor?
Take it away,
But why bother?
Talking wouldn't make it better...

Happy thoughts!
Happy thoughts?
Happiness, it can be bought!

Happy pills!
Happy pills?
Happiness in a capsule!

Psychiatrist!
Doctor!
Doctor!
Talk it out,
And make me better
Heal me!
Heal me!
Make my mind still!
"All problems are solved with happy pills. "

Happy thoughts!
Happy thoughts?
Happiness shouldn't be sought.

Happy pills!
Happy pills?
Happiness, it sure can ****.

Psychiatrist?
Doctor?
Doctor?
Desolate hopes
Therapy: thunder
Must deny presence of disease
I am cured when you are pleased.