The beast comes clawing to sabotage anything near;
Despite what it loves, despite what it holds dear.
I've no hunting rifle, only my rightful fear
That I do not know what to believe...
That there's no longer more than what appears.

Lies nearly spin themselves, like spiders in your teeth.
Suddenly we find myself beneath
You.
Revisit to what you've put me through.
Revisit to the dishonesty you swear to.
Distortions. Deceptions.
Even you don't know what's true.
Who are you?

Lives inside
      A monster
Picking at
      everything new
Pointing out
       everything wrong
With your life
With them
With you

When angers courses and boils through our trembling veins,
We seek to find the source,
Outward we look hither and yon,
Frantically pursuing ever thinning threads,
Through frustration we limit our search to those we project to,
Yet inward we find the cause of our muddle,
There deep inside our mind attached to our spine,
Where the darkness of generations past resides,
Pulling threads to hard to see,
Lies the truth,
If we are to grow then inward we must go.

I used to be nicer
Pay more attention to you
Sing to you
Feed you
Watch you with delight in my eyes
Gaze into your eyes with a smile
Our brainwaves were synced
Our bodies linked
We were one

Then he came
The intruder. The interloper.
Slowly at first
Nausea. Lethargy.
I needed to sleep
I turned my back on you at night.

Then the pain
Relentless
I couldn’t run with you
Couldn’t chase you
Couldn’t carry you
I started to snap

Then my body betrayed us
Made our special time unbearable
I couldn’t stand to feed you
Your little hands searching for comfort
Made me sick
I dried up inside

The night before he came
I realised what was coming
It hit me
As I held you
In your sleep
I felt the tearing begin
And I cried and cried

Then he came
And he cried and cried
And cried
And I snapped
And now you don’t remember
The time before
And you cried and cried
For milkies
And I couldn’t give them to you

i am envious
of what you have,
but not
of who you are

regardless,
it withers me

instead of watching
your garden grow, even if
i find it
utterly dull;

perhaps,
i should start digging up
the earth in my own,
neglected plot

and observe
what becomes

please know that I love you more than the stars, the sun, and the skies could hold.

but I don't know how to fix something without damaging it the process.

you are fragile, and my hands have unintentionally fractured you countless times. I know this, even though you've never explicitly told me.

I dance on eggshells around you: I am atlas, pirouetting across an empire of thin ice, just so I don't mar you with my words.

swallowing conversations and feelings is a talent we both possess. to spare the pain of the other, we dampen the truth. we drink the fires of resentment and leave them to ferment.

I cannot fix this without potentially damaging it further.

I'm a storm with skin. my collateral damage knows no bounds, spares no mercy. you know this. but hear me, and heed me closely.

I don't paint you as the villain. you aren't the martyr. we are equally responsible for this damage and decay. the rot of something once beautiful.

yet I cannot fix something without causing further damage.

we are a two way street. growth of beauty cannot flourish in stagnation.

please, do not test the limits of my volatility. I cannot mend the tatters of thirteen years with a single spool of thread.

I refuse to swallow fermented resentment. I walk on eggshells carrying mountains for you no more.

this tapestry will end in one of two ways: opulent splendor, or devoured by living flames.

I cannot fix something without destroying it in the process.

I think about what I went through
I didn't deserve any of it
The fact that you were supposed to love me and said I care about you
But let's skip past the I love you' s what you put me through all those years ago / months
Let's focus on the fact that I still can't speak about it and when I do I weep until I'm so overcome with sadness and anger
That it makes me upset at myself
I know it wasn't my fault
But you kept putting me through so much that I rather not go into detail about it
But this is what I still can't fathom
How can you sleep at night
Knowing you hurt me so deeply
To the point where whenever I speak your name
It feels like poison on my tongue
And I'm reminded of why I resent you
My love for you died
when I realized that the one closest to you will hurt you and take joy in doing so
You taught me from a young age
The empty feelings and promises
But most importantly
You were the first one who messed up my trust