Never really been sober minded
Seeking life- might never find it
Lying on a plateau
Pretend it’s a mountain I climbed.

Did it all start with divorce?
Did it start with my mah?
Or when the kid molested me in the back seat of a car?
For any light in my life I caught fireflies
But someone opened and let them all out of the jar.

I can’t lie and I can’t hide
I got called out on the pathetic way I lived my life.
womanizing just pain hiding
If any of you read this- I’m sorry I’m trying.
You don’t have to forgive
I don’t expect any of it at all.
Just know that now when I look at my wife and my baby I hold nothing but hate for the person I was and just know I hate myself in my heart.

I always claimed to be Christian
I always claimed to love God.
I know I Spit in His face with my actions I don’t know how He forgive me at all.

Nearly stopped my heart a couple times
Till friends I couldn’t love stopped by
I didn’t appreciate their hearts, didn’t appreciate they love me
So I lashed out and attacked them all
And I pushed and I pushed till they shoved me.

Honestly I’m really scared
To brutally, honestly tell you the truth
I’m terrified I’ll hurt my bride and my children like I did all if you.

Wether it’s getting high off Percocet
Or **** and lying on the Internet,
Wether it’s puking in toilets from too much to drink
Or getting so I can’t see and/or speak

I’ve seen her crying real tears
So I’ve had to start to face my fears.

My mommy problems and abandonment Issues
Are no reason to treat her like this.

Hi, my name is Blair and I am an addict
Just so you all now, I’m no longer at it.
I can understand why you hate me so much
And I know why you say nothing but negative things, I know why you just can’t get passed it.

I know why still years after
You’re writing emails to my pastor
And saying all of these horrible things not believing I can change and that’s facts.

I try every day to not hate myself
Because I know that’s not how God sees me.
I know I am nothing but a pervert and drunk
Till cried for my savior to save me.

I know you don’t believe it.
I know you hate me it’s no secret.
And I admit to being the monster you think I am years ago
I promise I’m no longer in that pit.

I admit that I punished myself
I admit that I was living like hell.
I admit I was selfish and deserved to be kicked out of Homestead for not thinking of anyone else.

Those were the best friends i ever knew
They were honest, and open and loving and true.
And I’m mad at myself for pushing away
To the point they don’t even know my child’s  name.

Some of you got your payback
To the point we’re still being harassed
People are making fake Grindr accounts
Assuming  it’s me without me being asked.

I’ve made mistakes and that’s and understatement
I can’t take it back- I’ll never change it.
Please accept my sincerest apologies
And let’s just go back to being decent.

To the women I’ve burned
I’m sorry,
To my brothers,
I’m sorry
To everyone who thinks that I’ll never change
I’m sorry and I’m trying.

With my eyes,
I look up to the clouds,
my heart seeking for redemption,
wondering if it will ever be for me

I gaze endlessly at the heavens,
searching for God's salvation;
raising my voice so he would hear me,
and save me from the hands of devourers out to destroy!

To him I go crying,
my voice ringing bitterly as I call out to him,
with my knees kissing the bare ground!

From his heavenly throne,
He looks down to me,
watching every step I take,
and hearing every word that eludes my lips;
My heart is searched,
and buried within,
lies an ocean of sin
But yet true remorse is found,
and I be purged with hyssop,
and made a new creation

~Ciara

I stood in the rubble,
and felt the heat from the flames.
Searching for taillights,
but the glow never came.

Our life slowly burned,
that we built as a team,
and a nightmare slowly grew,
where there’d once been a dream.

I didn’t know what to do,
once I knew you were through.
So I just watched the carnage,
and lost my mind too.

I didn’t understand,
but I think now I do.
You was the broken vase,
and I was only the glue.

I thought without me,
you would just fall apart.
I never considered,
you lied from the start.

I never fixed you,
like I thought all along.
Your sheer will held the pieces,
and that illusion was strong.

You went through the motions,
but not out of hate.
I know that came later,
but maybe it was fate.

Now that my heads clear,
I can finally see.
I can see the spiral,
that was once you and me.

I believed we were fine,
because I simply had to.
I think deep down inside,
I always knew.

Now that I’m clean,
I can’t lie to myself.
I can put aside pride,
and look up at that shelf.

The shelf built of lies,
that kept me alive,
as I slowly killed myself,
and drowned on the inside.

I can see now,
that it’s flimsy and frail.
The joints are all rotten,
and the paint has grown pale.

All that’s left to do,
is to tear it all down.
I think one hit will do it,
and crash it to the ground.

I’ll do it tomorrow,
if tomorrow should come.
At least I know the truth,
and you know what you’ve done.

My eyes hold tears of regret.
All that I could have seen but didn't.
My heart bursting with sorrow.
All that I could have been but didn't.
My blood is poisoned now. Venomous.
Crammed full.
If only my brain would listen.
Understand I am remorseful now.
From my very being.
Expunge these memories.
Somehow annihilate.

This I wear
As a widow wears her ring
To never take it off
Never ready to let go

Only Being able to forget for a moment
Living with regret
Living with remorse
Never to fully recover

I wear you to show my love
I will never take you off
I wear you as a widow wears her ring
I wear you my Bracelet