He shakes his head
and tries to clear his mind.
Getting worried in the moment,
'I'm sure i was feeling fine'.

Perception becomes twisted,
Truth becomes lies.
Paranoia is knocking,
He's broken all logical ties.

He checks behind
to see who follows.
A chill down the spine,
inside he's  hollow.

Sense is hard to find.
This fire started from a spark.
The pressure inside his mind,
Stretching and tearing the world apart.

Mania.
Depression.
They all leave impressions.

Pcsyhotic,
Traumatic.
'No need to be dramatic'.

They don't know.
They never will.
They think its a lie.
'I was sure i was feeling fine'.

The truth is a weird thing
It could be different for
Two very similar people.

Some of us try to hide it,
For either the benefit of me,
Or the benefit of you,
Or perhaps the benefit of
Everyone but.

Why do you see a lie
When I try to tell you the truth?
Once you open your eyes,
You'll blame me.

Why, I haven't hidden anything,
My dear paranoid one,
For I've simply been sitting here
Watching your suspicions grow
Out of hand.

Because a suspicion is always
More intense than the truth
It's funny how
You think I lose
In this debate of lies
I tried to say
You're the one hearing them
Now, have a nice day.



Did I really mean that?
Who knows.
I suppose I can't do anything
But wait for you to decide
For yourself.

It always starts with the  looking of  bouquets of dying flowers in the grocery store
they're always by the entrance and they're always wrapped in cellophane
Moody lilies, doe-eyed star daffodils, ******* lace-leaves
My grandfather's name was Hyacinth
It's symbolic somewhere, somehow
My family's name is buried neck deep in floral epithets
not that you would notice or care
There's an attraction to be named after beautiful things
From the side of my shoulder I hear
count your hands, they might be missing fingers
I look abrasively counting in rotund continuity
one two three four five
one two three four five
when I look behind me the speaker blasts John Mayer and I go home feeling nauseous
manic begonias, sultry sweet-tooth hydrangeas
you pick a rose and it stabs your finger so you set it on fire and take a picture of it, you call it art and the leaves wither
when I sit at my dinner table eating salmon
I cannot stop thinking about mercury poisoning
I lick the table salt off my hands
I wait for cardiac arrest but while that happens
there is that friend of a foe, that voice tickling the back of my ear with it's summer tongue
telling me, beckoning that the tap water I'm drinking is laced with LSD by the government and that I'm going to have a bad trip that I won't be able to get out of. I'll be stuck in that endless loop like a record player that keeps getting scratched by the needle and won't play anything but static noise now.
I go to bed biting my nails until they're raw and touching skin making sure that my hands are still my own
Moonflowers bloom at night and marigolds remind me of the sun
In the morning I dream of driving out to sea in a car that doesn't belong to me and wait for the coral to overtake my brain
When I wake up I do 20 laps around my house instead

It's like
When I miss you
I feel like I'm being clingy
Or I care too much
It's like
When I don't care
I get worried
That I'll hurt someone
It's like
When I think about the future
I never see what could go right
Only the many
Many things
That could go wrong
It's like I have to deal
With the burden of all these failures
That haven't even happened
It's like when I close my eyes
Scenarios play out
In my head
Scenarios in which
All the bad thing happen
And none of the good
Scenarios
Where I lose everyone
Scenarios where
Everyone realizes
Just how awful I am
I can't help but know
All of my worst fears
I rehash them every night
Just in case I forget
A quick seminar
And make sure to take notes
It's like
I can't sleep sometimes
Because my body just
fills
With paranoia
And so far
I haven't found a way
To empty it

Another year has left and gone,
Fear has now consumed my soul,
Unable to take back all the foregone.

They promised me my life wasn't a pawn,
But I don't think I can keep leading myself on.

I try not to worrying over all the issues and unknowns.

As the clock turns twelve, my heart skips a beat,
Fear is clenching it; trying to bring it into a waltz.
My thoughts screaming out to me,
'Don't allow it to sweep you away!'

As everyone is consumed with joy, making new years resolutions;
I am consumed by anxiety, paranoia sweeping me off my feet,
Singing to me all the things to panic about.

As everyone shall party, and stay awake,
I shall go to bed, trying to sleep and keep all the thoughts at bay.