perhaps there’s a part of me
that’s just scared of becoming my father’s son
when i have worried all my life i would turn into my mother
in the deep hours of the night they ask me
“can i tell you something”
it’s not a lie when i reply
“you can tell me anything”
as they spend the next minutes trying to figure out how to tell me
that i have always appeared as someone who is
afraid to be wrong
but when you’ve grown up
with wrong as the kind of person you’re supposed to live up to
and the kind of thing you are screamed at for being on
a daily basis
and love the kind of thing you only find in fairy tales
you grow horrified of being wrong
terrified of dreaming
and screaming in your sleep
that i will not be
my father’s son

The dreams won't answer-
the night is getting colder
as the shadows dance

2:33 AM
7/7/19

Childhood address remembered
all these years. Used now as
a password, a code, a credit card number:

the place itself a mist
of memories, light palpable
in the smoked filled air

Lawn springing downhill,
steeply impossible to mow,
steps winding up to a green door
as if in a dream.

garage below where is used to hide
among small dark thoughts
hanging from their webs
barely discerned in the dust
of time.

That’s where it all began
the endless internal battle,
the wasps’ nest of emotions,
the constant buzzing of the mind’s
heavy present that always
“seems to fail this bubble of a heart.”

There are no monsters but the night
it fills
these blankets, looming heavy
over a narrow bed, empty
but for me
my fears
and weak lungs rasping
for the peace I fear
will not come before the sun
-  -
I am here loved one
You are next door but I am here
to tease soft sense from fingers clenched
about a sheet dampened
by the absence of dreams

You will find sleep again
for the horrors of the wide awake cannot face you with aught but empty space
heavy blankets hold you close
it is not a shroud but a cloak
to shed darkness like rain
That faint rattle and rooftop roar
is water falling
Not footsteps
A gentle touch to this switch
a little flick and click!
You can be free of it
Rest love
Let peace be your companion
let darkest lips kiss heavy lids
with soft promises
whispering in a new day waiting
just for you
Tomorrow is coming
and that right soon
so be ready love
to spring from this mattress
and until then, do not fear the dark
- -
This whispered breath
I welcome it
This beast so familiar with this room
a gentle tomb to watch over you
and press me to the wall
knees clenched to my chest
until dawn makes monsters of us all

Dreams are your hopes
Nightmares are your fears
But both combined can be a tricky situation
You could have a great night sleep
But have one nightmare
That can ruin the entire night
That one nightmare that wakes you up
Cold sweat dripping off your forehead
Your breath is shallow
The nightmare that could make you wake up in tears
You just end up sitting up late
Calming your nerves
You question what the nightmare was about
But you don’t want to know what it means
It’s 4 AM
No one is awake
But YOU
Instead you go back to bed
And hope
Hope you don’t have that nightmare again

You told me about your nightmares
So I made it my mission to be your dream.