Please,
Dear God. Woman.
Just go away.

We're happy.
Sort of.

We love each other.
I promise.

We're struggling, I know.
But, not in the way you think.

Let me assure you,
You're his past.
There is no room for you.

We have suffered loss,
But we can heal each other,
Without you.

I'm sure you're hurting.
I've been there.
I know each touch burns,
And every kiss scars.

But, Please.

I beg you.
Just go the **** away.

All you're doing is hurting
Two broken people.
We could have been three.

Please. Please. Please.
Just leave us,
Just the two of us.
Leave us the **** alone.

I know we only had two months together.
At the most.

But, please.
Know that your father and I loved you
With all our heart.

It killed me.
To pull your remains out
Piece by piece

We loved you.
I promise.

I’m supposed to be happy right now
Fitting into dresses and stretch pants
And eating pickles
I’m supposed to be glowing
Watching my tummy grow
And picking out the perfect name
I would’ve known by now
Whether you’d be born a girl or boy
What color your room might be
I’m supposed to be emotional
But a different type than I am now
I’m supposed to cry over things
Like spilled milk
And unlikely animal friends
But I’m crying over emptiness instead
Loneliness
Fear
I’m not supposed to be sad right now
I’m supposed to be measuring my belly
And eating lots of fruit
Going to doctors
And listening to your tiny heartbeat
I’m supposed to be there
I’m supposed to be overjoyed
And excited
And worried
I’m supposed to be making plans
And decorating and redecorating
And driving your daddy crazy
I am supposed to be a mom
I should be looking at tiny clothes
And little shoes we’ll use once
Buying dehumidifiers and strollers
Reading pamphlets and dodging cravings
I should be complaining
About stretch marks and growing feet and sweaty palms
I should be loving every inch of you already
And struggling with stupid simple tasks
I should be moody
And impossible
And hungry
And eager to meet my tiny human
My sweet baby
My whole heart...
But I’m not.
I’m supposed to be pregnant
And I’m not
I’m supposed to be waiting for you
And I can’t
Because I lost you.
Because you’re already gone.
And all I have left of you is memories
Of cravings and emotions and ideas
A doctors visit and a photo of my first test
A faint pink line
I’m supposed to be halfway there...
And I’m not

You’re just a gift unborn
A few months along in life
I was never alone
Cause my heart you did reside.

You’re sisters not ready
But I’ll know she’ll be in time
In just three months
Your love will be all mine.

And I sing to you softly
For now and all of our life
Can’t wait to hold you
And look deep in those eyes.

I woke up cold to the snow
And somethings not right at all
Just a few hours later...
I got the doctors call

Now December tore my soul into pieces
I can’t see a future without your presence
And I wish I didn’t have to remember
The excitement I felt about your big entrance
  
I feel alone
in this dark winter haze
My heart feels scorned
I’m tired of strangers embrace

Now it’s Christmas Day
And I’m thinking about your life,
how it was so short lived
And I’m still in the dark as to why.

All that is will be,
This life was never meant for me,
I took my miscarriage son's place,
in this great spiritual race,

what could he have been?
wise, judicious or saintly?
but no I took his place,
being down here is miserly and leaves a bad taste.

Does none of us ever ask what is left for me?
when time is so boundless and set itself free,
pray for all that is,
that we may not take the place of one another.

but be true to ourselves,
and love one another.

Age 15 the beginning and the end
Age 19 and the scars still haven't mend

I was a fool with nothing to lose
Letting lust become my muse

It happened fast without protection
In his eyes lay no affection.

A month passes with no monthly time
The panic inside me starts to climb.

Lie to my mother to get a test
Sure enough there's a baby in the nest.

Inside my stomach lay a beating heart
Anxiety and depression begin to start.

Scared beyond belief and still at school
Feeling like I had just been a tool.

Could I handle being a single mother
Abortion? I had to pick one or the other.

Or maybe I didn't have to after all.
Spotting begins to start and I start to bawl.

To many emotions in too young a girl.
My body killed a life, guilt begins to swirl.

Age 15 the beginning and the end
Age 15 and made a life ascend.

Age 19 and the scars still haven't mend
Age 19 and still no way to amend.

A sunflower with a drop
of oily yellow so feeble
but one gets lost in the
happiness it brings

I haven't ever known
a happiness similar to this.
In the days of my childhood,
I used to sit in a room alone
with the vast pages of words and alphabet

I've learned them so well
Yet no matter how I arrange
I'm not convinced that I can
Properly express all of the things
I wish to say to you.

At sunset, when light fades in to darkness,
the gray that spreads around makes one ask,
'what if the moon wouldn't appear tonight?'

I've learned that the moon, it always appears.
But if you turn your back to it
You will miss the small things that it shines on

Like the sunflower that has been planted
from the coldest of all the winters
and from darkness of all the odds
have put against it in lack of sunshine

There, it waits.
Plenty in solitude and
protected by solace.
Ready for you to water it
and teach the warmth
of the world that you have provided,
so it can bloom under an autumn moon