By Amoy

Breathe…Breathe…heart beat, life!
Inhale, inhale. I saw your chest rise,
Exhale… exhale… no!  no! No! No! No!
Weeping, weeping, wailing sounds
Beep.... beep.... beep.... Beep..
Sorrow, grief, pain, grief, sorrow pain
Tears I can’t control, I’m in… I’m out.
The sorrow is deep in my soul
Soul, spirit, tears, dust
Why must this be us?
Soul, spirit, tears, dust, how can this be us?
Must… must… I must see her first
Silence, pain, silence, pain
I watched my baby get carried
I saw, I saw, I can still hear
I want, I want, I need her near
Good-bye little bird, your chirp is dear
Look to the heavens and have no fear
We shall, we shall, meet again, the time is near
Goodbye goodbye my dear!

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

Momma! Can you hear me? I can hear you singing through tears momma. Please don’t cry. It’s going to be ok momma. I’m not in the dark anymore. Here there’s only light, and plenty of room to run. Momma it’s amazing here!Everything is going to be ok. So please, please, please, momma, don’t cry, rest your head, let me sing to you.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

No one knows. No one knows the loss of my own body, the ripping and savagery that took my own flesh. The pain that blooded and caressed my thighs.

They did no wrong, they hadn’t even breathed never the less committed a single sin. My beautiful, beautiful baby. did I do you wrong? Did your creation create a target on your head. A punishment for my sin.

You didn’t deserve to be stripped of the earth, before you could even experience it. To be failed by the body that was supposed to love you the most.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

And I hold these red beads in my hands, thinking of that day when red was all I could see. Grasping this shield singing and praying for healing. Wondering who you could have been. Creating these ideas of who you would of looked like.

If you would of had my brown curly hair and his silly smile. If you would have his musical genius and my creative brain. Thinking just how beautifully beautiful you would’ve been.

Could you solve a math equation from the top of your head, would you sleep till noon like your father, or wake up early like me, would you continue the tradition and play tennis or would you create your own traditions, Would I walk you down the isle, or button up your tux? Oh my dear child you don’t even know what it would have been like to baptize you in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirt.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

Baby my sweet child,
Why did you leave before I could even say your name?
Why did you give into the white light and leave me with a scarlet pain?

Did you sacrifice yourself to spare me of what life I would have lived with you in it?

But I want you in my life. I dream of your ringing footsteps, of you crying out for me, of holding you to my breast and carrying for you with everything I have.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

Baby, I’m sorry I never got the chance to love you.
But you’re not a baby anymore now are you, you’re my little angel.
Sweet angel of mine, I’m sorry that I failed you. I’m sorry that I can’t internalize a reason for you death even though your death was internal for me.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you the life that you deserved.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

My beautiful baby I love you till this day.
You might be gone, but the idea of who you could have been lives on with me, forever.

I’m sorry our love died I’m sorry that my body wasn’t strong enough to hold you.
I was carrying so much, that it made me lose my everything that could of been you.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

I would have named you Mark or John, or Mary magdalin, I would have rocked you to sleep every night. Loved you with all of my heart, sing to you till your precious eyes closed, and I would be sure to let you know I loved you. I loved you while you were being formed, and I loved and I missed you while you were deformed.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

Baby, sweet child of mine, how could you have left when there is so much love left for you here with me. Why did you go home before I had the chance to make you a home of this world. Before I could even see your face before we could even given you a name.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

Precious little baby I know you’re at the gates of heaven, and I know you’re not mine, so all I ask from you is to send me a sign that you’re ok, that I can be ok without you.

“For the sake of His sorrowful Passion
Have mercy on us and on the whole world”

But I lay here barren and empty.
Scooped bare, and ripped apart internally.
I have nothing to give you but my love.
I will always love you. My sweet beautiful baby. And I will hold my hand to your previous home of my body and feel for your heartbeat, your sweet beautiful innocent heart beat and I will never forget you, the love of my life, the one I never knew.

Legs spread, mind scattered
Organs decay, insides battered
The thought runs wild
“did it even ever matter?”

Blood pours, like wine
Ripe berries, already burst
“Childs joy was never mine"
Tears follow, a mother cursed

Blood fills the floor
Search begins for something more
Ripening fear begins to mild
Dire sorrow fills mothers core

Lifeless child, fresh of womb
A mistake, time has forgot
Too ripe, child now faces tomb
And a sorrow, mother lays distraught

She is with you Sir,
But you pummel her so.
It has been five years.
Torturous, agonizing
She is without child.
You know she cries herself to sleep?

For only you and child,
Her heart bleeds.
No longer red
Black blood she bleeds.
Every night you try
She cries, she pleads.
Yet she is without child.

It's safe to say her name
Has changed for love this cannot be.
You made her hatred thick.
A blade she
Takes, she draws in big -
Block. Words. 'SORRY'

I hope she doesn't strike
That vein. May not, she may.
She prays endlessly to Hera.
Her heart is dead,
Her soul is red.
A furnace for her spirit.

Hera take pity on thy soul;
Take this ache away.
Here again you pummel her so.

Bright light and now-
She sits before the King's feet.

On bended knee,
Gabriel by her side.
He dried her eyes.
'Don't cry my child-
For you are now home'
The right side thief
Looked down on she
'You are with The Father, your mother
And father.

Do you now see thou cruel
Sir? You granted her a wish.
Something she never asked you for.
She looks down on you
And now she smiles. Her ex-
Husband, lover, friend has made her happy again.

Do you now see thou cruel
Sir? You shall live in guilt.

I wish my body was painted
With all the stories of my life
All the joy and heartbreak
Sprawled across my skin.
I wish I could simply
Trace the lines of a scene
Instead of clawing at words
To pull these feelings from myself
Hoping someone could understand them.
I wish there were scars and stretch marks
And something to show for it
Instead of empty arms
And an empty belly
I wish I could have met you
To follow the curve of your face
With the tips of my fingers
To breathe you in
To kiss your tiny lips.
I wish I could show the world to you
And show you to the world, but
I have nothing left to show of you.
No scars, no stretch marks,
No watercolor scenes.
Just an emptiness in me.

You were just a small bump before you were taken from me.
You were only a small bump when I had to feel you leave. You were only a small bump before you felt beauty in love and happiness and that was taken away. My lullaby I sing to you to heaven from earth. Wondering what your body would look like, would feel like in my arms. I hope you see mama growing stronger because of you. I hope you hear mama singing to you. One day I will be able to hold you in my arms and I will be the happiest mama when I get to see you. But for now, we will both have to wait because mama has to stay strong for you and for me.

I don't want to dance, I just want to feel the floor like it's shaking me to death.
I don't want to die, I just want the earth to swallow me like a hero treats his wife.
I don't want to talk, I just want to feel a different heart against mine all time of the year.
I don't want to brag, I just want to show you my intese trust.
I don't want to hit you, I just want to remember why I can't have children.
I don't want to see your face, I just want to imagine your death over a waspnest.

I don't want to write, I just want to stay alive.