On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost someone I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, someone I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!

On the shore I stand staring out
into the waves of pure wonderment
and the dark sullen sky, filled with stars
knowing that you were once one of them,
shining within the night sky
before being picked for a life here with me.

The people laughing and playing
oblivious to the absent feeling lying within.
Children enjoying the soft warm sand beneath their feet,
now you never will know such simple joys.
These are the days where I feel as fragile as a china doll
Knowing that I lost something I never really had.

Looking out across the sea, how it stretches for miles
wishing you the peace and serenity this scene gives me.
Hoping you may get a second chance at life,
back up there among the stars where you can dream.
My little star, something I never really had at all
but knowing what could have been I still look up to see you shining!

In denial from the moment I found out,
Knew if it were true I have to turn my life around.
Ignored the fact that you were there the whole time,
knowing I was never treating myself right,
maybe that's why you were taken too soon.

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Coming to terms with you being there always.
Trying to fix how I walked through life
'cause I knew I had to do right by you.
A little star that I never got to meet.

Although you had barely began to grow,
you never got to hear my voice
I never got to feel you move...
Now a days I wonder if it was my fault you never made it here,
if it was my fault my little star was taken too soon?

A little life I didn't know if I even wanted,
Getting everything on track so I could meet you.
Without being born you managed to save me
from situations I should have never been in.
You were my little star that I never got to meet.

She seems cheery at the table, husband's arm around her
Swaddled in the structure of his family home
Joining in the prayers, helping light each candle
New year strikes and she returns the smiles
Emptiness tucked in the corners where they cannot see

Yet once everyone's rushed to bed
- Pedar's no longer young, and his mother worries -
She cannot help but return to the table alone
Her smile brighter, wider, twisting into a grimace
She cradles the Seeb to her chest and bawls without words

For the son she never met, the hand she never held
The way her mother-in-law joked about grand-kids
And her husband couldn't meet her eyes
For the sense of failure she knows she should not feel
For the prayers where she hoped for fertility and health

Once more, in private, in whispered sobs she begs
The vinegar for patience, the garlic to protect
The Senjed and the Sumac for her love to bear fruit
The sprouts for a rebirth to shed the guilt of death.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she climbs the stairs
Returning to her place in her husband's arms.

i never got to hear your heart beat
i never got to choose a name
i keep losing you before i have you
and all i feel for you is pain

i never got to hold you
or comfort you when you cried
because again i’ve lost you
and no longer have you inside

they say that healing helps you
and moving on is for the best
but how can i sleep peacefully
knowing now you’ll forever rest

i’ve cried a million tears for you
and sang a thousand songs
because in my arms my love
is right where you belong

How can there be a space left
That was never filled,
Except with expectation.
The wonder of a face
Setting eyes on this place,
For the very first time.
A name waiting to be uttered
An identity ready to be claimed.


You lay in starched sheets
Surrounded by cheerful pink walls,
Waiting to be discharged;
After a labour that brought forth
The remnants of a life.
While at home I waited
Wanting to know your pain
To share what was still ours;
Our son lay laughing in bed
Unaware of his own small loss.


Then, like a pilot
Over the radio, as the plane
Leaves its fragile flight,
Last words of someone already dead;
The sound of an infants cry
Came across the airwaves
Of our baby monitor;
I know a trick of frequency
Picked up from a nearby house,
But never heard before
Or since, such coincidence;
As though to say goodbye.

There once was a tiny bundle of cells that grew in my womb
without the assistance of fertility medications or ovulation testing
a surprise spontaneous occurrence of the first sparks of Life
a product of the kind of ******* that happens on a honeymoon
between newlyweds full of bliss, lust, and hope

My womb once thought uninhabitable to such an occurrence
boarded a plane home five days later
cradling this new truth-
The Honeymoon Baby

Weeks would pass before my womb would begin to betray its secret
3 days late- nothing
5 days late- nothing
8 days late- the little blue plus sign and a whisper from deep in me-
“You aren’t broken?”

For several hours my womb and I jealously guarded this knowledge
My new husband not known for his enthusiasm wouldn’t share in my joy
So I sat alone feeding my hungry heart on now debunked beliefs
“You AREN’T broken!”

Having gorged myself to the point of bursting on a meal years in the making
I looked with wet eyes to my then partner of more than half a decade
“we made a honeymoon baby; I’m not broken.”
No, he wouldn’t share my joy.

His eyes turned to windows in the days that would follow
They screamed their disgust into the wide open parts of me
as pointedly and with as much passion as his mouth could ever muster
It was then that I began to silently pray the baby away

My silence only increased his vitriol until with a blast he climaxed in his rage
and I felt the cold of the recently adorned wedding band against my neck
as the hands which had held mine so softly so often pinned me to the door
Finally my silent prayers gave way to a singular scream
“I ******* hate you and I hate your child inside of me!”

My womb cried to hear the prayer spoken
She cried so long and so loud that she began to bleed
She heaved and sobbed her rage into rivers of blood that wouldn’t stop for weeks
and earthquakes of cramps that would rock me to my core
The unstoppable current of tears and blood carried the translucent sac
that housed the had been Honeymoon Baby into the ***** porcelain bowl
The baby I prayed away that would never speak whispered up
“You are broken.”

The honeymoon was over.
I hadn’t hated him before that.
Six years later to the day we signed divorce papers.

Allow me to bend
At the knees.

Allow me to weep.
Uncannily.

Over a basin,

A nearby water source.
Outside of my own.

I could be compared to

Those giving birth
Naturally.
Maybe.

I quite honestly Don't
Particularly,
Give a flying ****.
It's not about you.

But understand this
I am not over
I am not ended

Unceremoniously.

I am whole,
Though I am missing
Parts and pieces.

Lungs.
Bones.
Brains.

A newborn heart.

Hungry mewling
Whines.
Cries.
Tinkling laugher.
Unending diapers.

I lack those.
But still I am whole,
Even though I am only one.

I am whole.
And I need not
Nor want
Anything more.

I am whole.
As I am.

I have not ended.
I am not an uninhabitable
Husk.

I am me.
I am whole.
Just as I am.

Just allow me
To Weep
For a moment.
Just one.