I wonder if I
Was ever really normal
Well, If I was, I haven't been for years
According to this journal

Blooming with happiness
The sun stroked and I smiled
The park adventurous and prided
The grass was soaked with dew
The wasp befriended my notepad
My face was pretty for you
Hands in my pockets as I waved a dog
A shy hide away in the open space
A French book on my minds fence
.............je veux la paix...................
A bench with grounded families
Young hobbits playing ball
Young couples indulging thigh on thigh
The romping poodle and German shepherd
The pond with the calm natured ducks
Underage puffs of clouded cigarette fumes
My awakened spirit opened it's legs
It flew to the overwhelmed senses of hope
.............je veux la paix......................
A scoff of falafel parcels and fizzy muscles
The stalker sat on the aligned bench
A season to figure out what life is
A strange woman on the bike in amusement
The Portuguese cafe full of beautiful souls
The world revolved with a cleansed sheen
An Eastern Europe parade of basketball novices
A melodious day that though of you babe
.............je veux la paix......................

we all crave strength. we want to not only feel strong, but to be strong. so this morning, get out of bed. do that thing, face that person. swallow your pride right down and show your strength through humility. put down the bottle and the fists and the phone. hold up your head, show your face, and say something. anything. he is strong and so is she and you and them and ME. we are all so so so so powerful and beautiful and wonderful. believe it, breathe it, see it, repeat.

If you asked me the one thing I couldn't live without
I wouldn't be able to answer immediately because I'd be too wrapped up
          in the images my mind conjures.
The song that would play through my mind would shut my eyes
Because it brings back the memories of when I asked him to be mine..
          even though it could be his demise.

I would be able to see vividly that smile that is contagious even when I've
          been crying.
I would be able to hear that sound of rolling thunder in his laugh..
I would be able to feel his body against mine as well laid in the summer
          night beneath the stars,
And I might just begin to cry as I remember him kissing each of my scars.

That safe feeling he brings to me is addicting
In this world where I've learned that almost no one can be trusted,
And I find that I just want to lose myself in those stormy eyes
The eyes which show all his pain and his love and make it impossible for
           him to lie.

But if you ask me again about the one thing I couldn't live without I
           would smile,
And I would not say his name.
Instead I would say "My journal" still smiling all the while
Because it is the one thing that can not abandon me
And the one thing that can't give me away to you or let you see.

So please.. Don't ask me what I can't live without because I can not choose
Between the sacred truth and the safety of lies
Because I fear losing trust
But I've also been taught that that hiding the dangerous truth is a must.

So I will lie through my teeth
Saying that love can't touch me and there's no one that can make me
            smile.
I will say that the thing I trust and could ever want is the pages of a
            journal,
And I will turn away to make sure you can't see the struggle internal.

So when I am exiled to solitude it will not be him they let me take with
             me,
Because I can't bring myself to separate him from those he loves and those
              who need him
And even more so because for the longest time the lines pages of a book
              were my perfect escape
From the world made my heart in need of binding tape,
And when it is between his life and mine I will gladly run back to my  
               old and only escape.

That first inhale the quick sensation
feeling like I've had 10 cups of coffee
it was a great feeling
once upon a time
and now it's been one week
one week without that thrilling Rush
and I'm still here, not insane
not missing that high at all
our first hello
messages sent night and day
that first hug next a kiss
A one month wait for our first time together
the long cuddles with South Park on TV
The Giggles & deep talks
as the clock change to 4 a.m.
playing that we're asleep as the sun rises one week without any of that
I feel like I'm falling apart
love real or fake it
was the best feeling
That's what I'm missing most
the, maybe, false love
but I'm missing those from you
You're the one I miss most
That's what making me insane
Being Sober is fine
not having seeing or talking to you
that's made me lose my mind